As I look at my situation, I see that the end is near. That, actually, is what I'm hoping for. I simply cannot take it anymore.
It occurred to me why I didn't seek a "job" during my first year in NY. I wanted to find a profession, with a potential to make a good living, as rapidly as possible, so I could finally be free of my father, and his abuse, after 43 years. I wanted him to have no control of me whatsoever, and for me to be completely independent, to finally tell him to cease his abusive treatment of me, or to fuck off.
I gave, blood, sweat, tears, failed exams, and all I had, before finally passing the insurance exam.
Then, when my goal was accomplished, and Aflac signed me, I attempted to suggest, and get, major clients, as soon as possible,. I was shot down at every turn, and for every reason. The Fridays in Forest Hills, a major eatery, was willing to talk to us. The GM there was going to hear us out, and take it to a more senior decision maker within the corporate offices. ., No, my supervisor said, as we would be shot down further up the line. My supervisor was so unyielding, that he wasn't even willing to take a meeting, for a short time, to hear the GM out, to learn if the GM could in fact deliver on his intent to take our offer to a more senior decision maker of Fridays
A jewelry company where I sold my mom's jewelry, and which had just the right employee base size that Aflac mandates in their guidelines. I got an earful of phone slam, when I tried to contact that jewelry company. That is the thanks I received for selling them my jewelry. Real solid customer relations on their part. .
A bagel place.., a very successful business, with just the right size employee base that Aflac asked their agents to bring to the insurance company, would not take a meeting with us to hear us out. .
My supervisor, shoots down every idea I have. No Restaurants. We wont be able to get to the "Decision maker" , he says. No major corporations.
Now, there is the matter of the law firm who my supervisor and I met with in mid June.. My father claims he is going to "Call the lawyer he knows in this firm, who is the attorney that my supervisor and I spoke to, in an attempt to speed up the process". (Likely lip service and bullshit on my father's part ) My father then asks me "What else I'm doing to help myself with Aflac" when he knows full well that the firm's person we are talking to, was out of town last week, and my supervisor will be away the next two weeks. My father sits in my face, and lies to me, telling me "Not to Obsess", and then makes my anxiety, ten times worse, knowing the limitations put on me by Aflac and my supervisors, and that the law firm's person is out of town. He interrogates me about my speech therapy, going to "The gym", and my work. Why? Because he can. If I tell him to fuck himself, I'm homeless. Even if I gave up Aflac today, and got "A job", it would not pay me enough to sustain my apartment. I don't even know if I could secure employment, as I have no work history but Aflac.
Simply put, there is no way to resolve this. Between my father's ongoing abuse of me, my supervisor's ongoing abuse of me, and the terrible limitations Aflac puts on me with the type of clients I can have, not to mention the difficult business that insurance can be, I don't see any way out.,
I have conformed to my father's every wish. He wanted "A complete life", He now has exactly what he wanted.. he has his "Complete life", and has never worked with me to put our relationship on track. . I have been very nice to his wife, his family, him, and all who have crossed my path., I have rebuilt my life, to work in a very solid profession, after really feeling like I wanted to die after the death of my mom. I did everything to be free of him ASAP after passing my exam, and being hired by Aflac, , and nothing, nothing, I do, or have tried, has worked. My father has me right where he wants me, there is no way out, and he does everything to put me down, everything from interrogations.. to I'm fat, ugly, inept, etc.
Unless success comes soon, I hope I don't make it. If I didn't need him financially, I seriously would not care if he fell off the face of the earth.
My gut tells me that the law firm is not going to sign, and that my killing myself with Aflac these past ten months, is going to come to naught. I do not see good things happening. The only way I will believe, is if some big clients sign, and I am in a position to tell my father to shape up, and go to a shrink to finally deal with his sickness, and his abuse of me, or to be able to tell him to go fuck off forever, with no consequences to my living conditions.
My circumstances are why I have no belief in the phrase "God helps those who help themselves". That is total bullshit in my view. It is more accurately "God helps those who he wants to help"
How have I not helped myself in the past 11 months? I swung into action after being in a depressed state, following the death of my mom, for a year. I was accepted into a major company, in a profession I had no familiarity with. I busted my ass, to pass a professional licensing exam in an area I had no education in, and did it. I was hired by this major company. I immediately set to work suggesting major clients to build my business, only to be shot down at every turn. I'm still in my father;s clutches, and his behavior is worse than ever, even now that I'm working, and attending "The gym", as he asked. He never says anything encouraging, about how much progress I've made.
I helped myself, and God didn't help me. Not one bit. The God helping those who help themselves is bullshit. He didn't help my mom when she sacrificed to live away from home for months for treatment of her illness, and made her and me suffer anyway, only to take her away, six weeks after we thought she was fine. Much to my father's joy. He has gotten everything he wanted, and now wants one last thing, my end, which, I feel is coming soon. My seizures are escalating. He knows his effect on me, and still engages in his abuse.
My feeling: He wants my end to come. He got what he wanted. My mom is dead. He can say he had his "Complete life" with my kissing his family's ass, and he now has no use for me anymore.
As I said, I see very bad things coming. If this is how its going to be, and things continue this way, I do hope there is some permanent resolution soon, so I don't have to go on like this. I don't deserve that, after how I suffered with my mom, and how hard I worked to rebuild my life. Why doesn't MY FATHER suffer some? If THAT happened, as punishment for his abuse, then I would believe. He doesn't suffer at all. All he has is his next world trip, his money, and his ability to abuse me at will.
It occurred to me why I didn't seek a "job" during my first year in NY. I wanted to find a profession, with a potential to make a good living, as rapidly as possible, so I could finally be free of my father, and his abuse, after 43 years. I wanted him to have no control of me whatsoever, and for me to be completely independent, to finally tell him to cease his abusive treatment of me, or to fuck off.
I gave, blood, sweat, tears, failed exams, and all I had, before finally passing the insurance exam.
Then, when my goal was accomplished, and Aflac signed me, I attempted to suggest, and get, major clients, as soon as possible,. I was shot down at every turn, and for every reason. The Fridays in Forest Hills, a major eatery, was willing to talk to us. The GM there was going to hear us out, and take it to a more senior decision maker within the corporate offices. ., No, my supervisor said, as we would be shot down further up the line. My supervisor was so unyielding, that he wasn't even willing to take a meeting, for a short time, to hear the GM out, to learn if the GM could in fact deliver on his intent to take our offer to a more senior decision maker of Fridays
A jewelry company where I sold my mom's jewelry, and which had just the right employee base size that Aflac mandates in their guidelines. I got an earful of phone slam, when I tried to contact that jewelry company. That is the thanks I received for selling them my jewelry. Real solid customer relations on their part. .
A bagel place.., a very successful business, with just the right size employee base that Aflac asked their agents to bring to the insurance company, would not take a meeting with us to hear us out. .
My supervisor, shoots down every idea I have. No Restaurants. We wont be able to get to the "Decision maker" , he says. No major corporations.
Now, there is the matter of the law firm who my supervisor and I met with in mid June.. My father claims he is going to "Call the lawyer he knows in this firm, who is the attorney that my supervisor and I spoke to, in an attempt to speed up the process". (Likely lip service and bullshit on my father's part ) My father then asks me "What else I'm doing to help myself with Aflac" when he knows full well that the firm's person we are talking to, was out of town last week, and my supervisor will be away the next two weeks. My father sits in my face, and lies to me, telling me "Not to Obsess", and then makes my anxiety, ten times worse, knowing the limitations put on me by Aflac and my supervisors, and that the law firm's person is out of town. He interrogates me about my speech therapy, going to "The gym", and my work. Why? Because he can. If I tell him to fuck himself, I'm homeless. Even if I gave up Aflac today, and got "A job", it would not pay me enough to sustain my apartment. I don't even know if I could secure employment, as I have no work history but Aflac.
Simply put, there is no way to resolve this. Between my father's ongoing abuse of me, my supervisor's ongoing abuse of me, and the terrible limitations Aflac puts on me with the type of clients I can have, not to mention the difficult business that insurance can be, I don't see any way out.,
I have conformed to my father's every wish. He wanted "A complete life", He now has exactly what he wanted.. he has his "Complete life", and has never worked with me to put our relationship on track. . I have been very nice to his wife, his family, him, and all who have crossed my path., I have rebuilt my life, to work in a very solid profession, after really feeling like I wanted to die after the death of my mom. I did everything to be free of him ASAP after passing my exam, and being hired by Aflac, , and nothing, nothing, I do, or have tried, has worked. My father has me right where he wants me, there is no way out, and he does everything to put me down, everything from interrogations.. to I'm fat, ugly, inept, etc.
Unless success comes soon, I hope I don't make it. If I didn't need him financially, I seriously would not care if he fell off the face of the earth.
My gut tells me that the law firm is not going to sign, and that my killing myself with Aflac these past ten months, is going to come to naught. I do not see good things happening. The only way I will believe, is if some big clients sign, and I am in a position to tell my father to shape up, and go to a shrink to finally deal with his sickness, and his abuse of me, or to be able to tell him to go fuck off forever, with no consequences to my living conditions.
My circumstances are why I have no belief in the phrase "God helps those who help themselves". That is total bullshit in my view. It is more accurately "God helps those who he wants to help"
How have I not helped myself in the past 11 months? I swung into action after being in a depressed state, following the death of my mom, for a year. I was accepted into a major company, in a profession I had no familiarity with. I busted my ass, to pass a professional licensing exam in an area I had no education in, and did it. I was hired by this major company. I immediately set to work suggesting major clients to build my business, only to be shot down at every turn. I'm still in my father;s clutches, and his behavior is worse than ever, even now that I'm working, and attending "The gym", as he asked. He never says anything encouraging, about how much progress I've made.
I helped myself, and God didn't help me. Not one bit. The God helping those who help themselves is bullshit. He didn't help my mom when she sacrificed to live away from home for months for treatment of her illness, and made her and me suffer anyway, only to take her away, six weeks after we thought she was fine. Much to my father's joy. He has gotten everything he wanted, and now wants one last thing, my end, which, I feel is coming soon. My seizures are escalating. He knows his effect on me, and still engages in his abuse.
My feeling: He wants my end to come. He got what he wanted. My mom is dead. He can say he had his "Complete life" with my kissing his family's ass, and he now has no use for me anymore.
As I said, I see very bad things coming. If this is how its going to be, and things continue this way, I do hope there is some permanent resolution soon, so I don't have to go on like this. I don't deserve that, after how I suffered with my mom, and how hard I worked to rebuild my life. Why doesn't MY FATHER suffer some? If THAT happened, as punishment for his abuse, then I would believe. He doesn't suffer at all. All he has is his next world trip, his money, and his ability to abuse me at will.
