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"And a man will choose...any wickedness, but the wickedness of a woman...Sin began with a woman and thanks to her we all must die" Ecclesiasticus, 25:18, 19 & 33.
I've been deep in thought (big surprise for some i imagine). I've had a hellish couple of weeks, hitting the same old brick walls I always seem to hit. It's gotten me to thinking. If I weren't a woman would I be so obligated to live the life I live? In the Bible it speaks of woman being created as "a helpmeet for man". An necessary accessory to the being made in God's image.
As I sat mortified in a room full of people I truly respected, I was reminded of all the ways biblically I was obligated to stay in this marriage. POintings of this verse and that concerning the functions of marriage. I noticed two things in the scriptures that were brought to my attention. Firstly, Anything given from the Old Testament clearly slants away from the idea of the woman as a person with free thought. A woman could be taken, traded, bought, duplicated or even cast out without so much as a leg to stand on.
Many of the New Testament verses I felt were taken out of context (as they often are, I think). "If he's willing to try to be a good husband now, it'd simply be going against God's will leave." of course all I can think of is "As a dog returneth to his vomit, [so] a fool returneth to his folly" Proverbs 26:11. However I feel about it, it seems my words fall on deaf ears.
It was like swatting a swarm of bees with a fly swatter. To make things worse, squidlett was there too, right along with them. At one point she was asked how she felt and she said "If my parents split up I'll live with Daddy. It will be Mama's fault because she's the only one who wants to break us up." I know she doesn't understand the situation quite well,and I'll be damned if I'm going to explain it to her. As long as he keeps pretending to try, and she's fooled by it, I say let her get as much of his love and attention as she can cause it won't be around forever.
As if to strike a finishing blow, a single phrase sent me into the strangest emotional breakdown. "We know you're upset because you feel convicted for wanting to break up your family but we're here for you".
I didn't stick around. I went for a drive for a while, then went home and lay down on the couch. I roused from my dreams into wakeful awareness 3 days later. I have never in my entire life wanted to lay so still in one place so much as I did those days. In my dreams I was back home with the two people I love the most in this world. It felt like I spent whole weeks there. I remember waking up to the sunlight filtering through the teal sheers and Eddie's (in reference to an Iron Maiden banner we'd hung in the bedroom) grin greeting me. Outside I could see a light flurry of snow and the faintest cold draft blew in from around the window seal. This was home. No anger, or deception, no crack, no hateful words... just peace.
Nonetheless, I woke up. missing two days of work and school messed up my routine a bit, but I keep plodding on. Pissed, no.. more like.. well.. ever tried to sand paper a bear's ass in a telephone booth. Yeah, like that. I wonder. Had the genders been reversed. If he were a woman, doing the things he was doing, and I were a man, would there have even been any dispute to my desire to leave? I doubt it.
One day we truly will be equals, men and women. If not in life, then surely, finally, in death. No matter whether or not you had tits, or respect, or control, you're still dead.
9 years, 7 months and approx 13 days to go.
/rant
"And a man will choose...any wickedness, but the wickedness of a woman...Sin began with a woman and thanks to her we all must die" Ecclesiasticus, 25:18, 19 & 33.
I've been deep in thought (big surprise for some i imagine). I've had a hellish couple of weeks, hitting the same old brick walls I always seem to hit. It's gotten me to thinking. If I weren't a woman would I be so obligated to live the life I live? In the Bible it speaks of woman being created as "a helpmeet for man". An necessary accessory to the being made in God's image.
As I sat mortified in a room full of people I truly respected, I was reminded of all the ways biblically I was obligated to stay in this marriage. POintings of this verse and that concerning the functions of marriage. I noticed two things in the scriptures that were brought to my attention. Firstly, Anything given from the Old Testament clearly slants away from the idea of the woman as a person with free thought. A woman could be taken, traded, bought, duplicated or even cast out without so much as a leg to stand on.
Many of the New Testament verses I felt were taken out of context (as they often are, I think). "If he's willing to try to be a good husband now, it'd simply be going against God's will leave." of course all I can think of is "As a dog returneth to his vomit, [so] a fool returneth to his folly" Proverbs 26:11. However I feel about it, it seems my words fall on deaf ears.
It was like swatting a swarm of bees with a fly swatter. To make things worse, squidlett was there too, right along with them. At one point she was asked how she felt and she said "If my parents split up I'll live with Daddy. It will be Mama's fault because she's the only one who wants to break us up." I know she doesn't understand the situation quite well,and I'll be damned if I'm going to explain it to her. As long as he keeps pretending to try, and she's fooled by it, I say let her get as much of his love and attention as she can cause it won't be around forever.
As if to strike a finishing blow, a single phrase sent me into the strangest emotional breakdown. "We know you're upset because you feel convicted for wanting to break up your family but we're here for you".
I didn't stick around. I went for a drive for a while, then went home and lay down on the couch. I roused from my dreams into wakeful awareness 3 days later. I have never in my entire life wanted to lay so still in one place so much as I did those days. In my dreams I was back home with the two people I love the most in this world. It felt like I spent whole weeks there. I remember waking up to the sunlight filtering through the teal sheers and Eddie's (in reference to an Iron Maiden banner we'd hung in the bedroom) grin greeting me. Outside I could see a light flurry of snow and the faintest cold draft blew in from around the window seal. This was home. No anger, or deception, no crack, no hateful words... just peace.
Nonetheless, I woke up. missing two days of work and school messed up my routine a bit, but I keep plodding on. Pissed, no.. more like.. well.. ever tried to sand paper a bear's ass in a telephone booth. Yeah, like that. I wonder. Had the genders been reversed. If he were a woman, doing the things he was doing, and I were a man, would there have even been any dispute to my desire to leave? I doubt it.
One day we truly will be equals, men and women. If not in life, then surely, finally, in death. No matter whether or not you had tits, or respect, or control, you're still dead.
9 years, 7 months and approx 13 days to go.
/rant
