The Year In Review

First of all, I have to say that my grandma told my uncle that I'm gay and he said that he wouldn't have said those awful things about gay people if he knew that. He also said that it doesn't change his love for me. I'm a bit confused, but I guess I'll take it. I told my mom (aka my best friend lol) that I don't expect him to change his opinion about homosexuality. He can have that opinion if he wants to. All I ask is that he treats me with kindness, integrity, and respect. I mean, I have quite a few friends who are conservative and believe in 'traditional marriage' and all that and they still enjoy talking to me despite the differing viewpoints and I'm the same way with them. (But they're still just the tiny handful that actually know about my gayness in RL) Anyway...

I must say that this year has brought on the most change that I've ever had. And change for the good, not for the worst. =) I've grown so much in 2009 and I hope to keep on learning and broadening my horizons in 2010. God, I've had so many emotional ups and downs...my mind has transformed so much I'd swear it's made out of Play-doh. I guess I'll go ahead and list the milestones that have happened for me in '09:

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1) ZOMGWTFBBQ I'm queer!
Here's the big one...on that fateful night in late February, I just had to watch that particular Xena/Gabrielle video on youtube that changed everything for me...
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Who'd have thought that one little video would cause me to think about the things I want out of life...whether my desire for a close female friend was something more than what I've always thought it was...why there was always a physical aspect involved when I'd daydream about having such a friend...why I've never had crushes on guys, even celebrity ones.

Seeing the relationship depicted between the two women on screen brought out this unexplainable, burning desire within me. "This," I thought to myself, "...this is exactly what I've been wanting all these years." It's weird...it was as if my hungers were finally put into visuals. Maybe it was because I never knew what I wanted when it came to romance ever since puberty, so God subtly guided me to a video that put into words what I was never able to express? lol It's possible.

Latent seeds of sexuality that finally burst into bloom...gift from God above...maybe a bit of both? Either way, "Anywhere" by Evanescence will forever be my coming out song and Xena will forever be my coming out hero. 😀 Thought it took me a few months of anxiety, random bouts of tears, and long talks with my mom about those new feelings I was experiencing, the storm finally died down enough to reveal the bright and beautiful rainbow:

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2) O Love, Thy Name is Xena... :veryhappy

:
Yes, my sapphic self-discovery led me to the joys of that tall, raven-haired beauty and her equally gorgeous blonde sidekick. :redheart:

It was love at first sight for both of those fictional characters, I tell ya. And a new obsession regarding Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor, too. XD

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3) The wonders of the TMF!

Yes indeedly do. I've been a lurker of this place here and there ever since I was about 12 or so, but I couldn't join because of the age limit and I didn't wanna lie about my age either, so I put it on the back of my mind until I was a legal adult. Soooo...on my 18th birthday, March 26th, I showed up, got active in the SSF, met my twinny-boo Carsomyr, and got acquainted with a huge amount of wonderful people with some of the most beautiful souls I've seen, to be frank. I was met with nothing but love and kindness from the moment I started typing away. :typerhappy:

I've never felt more welcomed and cared on any forum than I have in this one. There are just way too many awesome people I've chatted with (most through typing but a few on Skype too) and if I tried to give a shout-out to all of you, I'd most likely forget a significant amount of folks. :facepalm:

With Carso, I'll make an exception cuz he was my first. :happyhop:

So yeah, I feel incredibly blessed to have found this corner of cyberspace. It's made me realize that the adult world is actually more fun than childhood. 😉 Just in time for my 18th birthday, too. 😀 So yeah, love you all.

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4) Hallelujah
Show Me In Red.mp3

I've come out of my spiritual box and have come to love God more than I ever have in the past. I guess it actually started in September of '08 when I had just joined a local Baptist church and heard a sermon one morning about how women can't be pastors or teach men and that God will only use women as a last resort, if the men aren't capable of leading. I was seriously disturbed by that teaching, so I started doing some Biblical research. But I was even more disturbed by the traditional Christian teaching of salvation: arminianism. The belief that for one to get to Heaven, they must profess a particular brand of Christianity and if not, they will be tortured for all eternity. Needless to say, I actually started using logic in my spiritual beliefs for once. Out of all the teachings in the faith, this is the one that bothers me the most. It doesn't make sense because even a finite amount of sin or whatever doesn't equal an infinite amount of pain and punishment. It is immoral to even wish such a thing on the most sadistic murderer to ever exist and even worse...to be indifferent to the idea that non-Christians are doomed to suffer such a fate.

So I said "fuck you" to the box that is conservative Christianity and adopted a faith in liberal Christian universalism.

And now I've come to my own personal conclusion that God/Nature/Enlightenment is too big to just fit inside one religion, one ideology, one philosophy...S/He is available to everyone regardless of differences and can be found absolutely anywhere. God is Love and as long as you strive to center your life around love for all people, God doesn't care about your religion, race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or lifestyle. If you don't intentionally harm yourself or others around you, then it's all good. ^^

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5) Goooooaaaaaaalllllllll!

That's right. This was the year that I set real goals for myself and found what could possibly be the university of my dreams.
I found Indiana University, a nice little hippie/liberal dorm, and have decided on a good career choice for me: that of a professor. I can't wait for next year when I get my gay Christian ass to that college, make new friends, immerse myself in fascinating subjects and a refreshing atmosphere, and hopefully maybe possibly get a girlfriend. 😉 Hey, it doesn't hurt to dream, right? D:

Overall, it's been the best year I've ever had in my short life. Full of lots of changes...painful and exhausting, but satisfying in the end. God, I remember being so emotional and confused around this time last year. But that was before I was blessed with all these good things...and now I have a good idea what I want out of relationships, have experienced sexual desires for the first time in my life, am comfortable in my spirituality, and last but not least, I have this forum...all of you guys! OH, and Xena, too. ^__^ So I can safely say that all is well within my soul and this year will always be remembered as a major milestone in my life's journey.

Well, I think I'm gonna watch an episode of Queer As Folk and turn in for the night.
Adios, ladies and gentlemen. And a very Happy New Year to you. :redheart:

Current Mood: satisfied