Something dawned on me tonight. It was something I didn't remember, or maybe blocked out..
Bottom line:
For many years, particularly at important times in her life, I was a complete scumbag to my mom, and I'm paying for it now.
I've documented my behavior to her during her cancer ordeal, while we were in NJ during the summer of 2011, how she was fighting for her life, and how I really behaved terribly to her, so much so that her Drs wanted to send me home to PA.
I had forgotten about something else serious I did to her, even though this was many years ago..,
After my mom and my father split.. my aunt the astrologer introduced my mom to a great man, an attorney, who my mom was really happy with.
My father, as I've documented before, is a cold, uncommunicative man, one minute phone calls, only thinks of himself first, etc etc.
During my mom';s relationship with the lawyer, she used to stay on the phone with him for hours, which annoyed little 20 year old Mitch, who was getting used to his parents being split up, and an estrangement from his father,. My mom needed the attention and communication she got from her lawyer bf, to make up for all the years my father didn't communicate with her. I couldn't see this then, because I was so obsessed with myself, how I reacted to the divorce, and my estrangement from my father. I see it now, and would completely change my behavior if I could go back.
I used to fight with my mom about her spending time with the lawyer, on the phone, and not paying attention to me.
A while later, she found out he had a drinking problem, and they split up. Sometime after that, the lawyer died. My mom dated other men casually, but was never the same.
So.. when she was trying to get her life together after the separation and divorce.. and when she was fighting cancer, and trying to stay alive. Mitch was a dick to her at the most important times of her life. I'm ashamed of myself about this. As I documented earlier, I did apologize to her before she died, for my behavior to her during the summer we were in NJ, when she was fighting cancer. My mom said she forgave me, but it doesn't excuse my behavior.
My aunts say I was a "Wonderful son" to her. Not so.. not that I see. I loved her, and was there for her when she was sick. Often, I thought of myself first, and was not sensitive to her feelings.
Now, she's gone for almost two years. I mourn her every day, and.. I;m left with a group of relatives who don't give a shit if I'm living or breathing.
My father: Calls me for one minute a day.. Analyzes why I have a "Sound to my voice". I could be in the middle of researching things for work, have something on my mind that my supervisor told me.. or just be having a bad day.
If I call my father.. to tell him something significant that happens with me, HE has the right to hang up on me, or tell me that he's busy.
I'm working my ass off.. to be free of him,. The "Job" that the genius Cheryl suggested will not get me free of him. All it might do.. is enable the witch to take another trip or two. because maybe my father would pay a few hundred less for my rent every month. As if she doesn't take enough trips already.
My two best friends see it clearly.. There is no "Relationship" with my father and me,. He is my landlord. I've seen him a total of an hour or two.. every two weeks.. this winter.. as he;s been in Florida, the islands.. Vegas, and everywhere else.
Today, after I got rejected by three straight business owners I approached.. who I know well, and tried to get to listen to me, I was feeling lower than low. He sent me a patronizing text saying "I'm making the effort". What fucking difference does it make how hard I'm working, if success doesn't come? If anything sounds patronizing on his part, that does.
I'm not going to give up on Aflac, or trying to get customers, unless I get fired. Simply put.. all I do care about right now.. is continuing to put the effort through, and what my supervisors at Aflac think. I don't give a shit what my father, my aunts.. or Cheryl think.. None of them have my best interests at heart. They are all so self obsessed.. they cant see anything else.
My father claims he is going to "Introduce me to people who can help" when he gets back from Florida. It would be nice if he did, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm going to have to keep plugging away myself.
While I know I'm not living in the same place anymore.. I don't feel my mom's presence around me at all. She's in my heart, and my mind. always. I miss her so much, that I cant even look at pictures. My theory is.. if there is an afterlife.. she's so busy, and so happy being with the relatives that have passed on, that she probably isn't giving much of a thought to me. I can actually understand that, considering how I treated her.
I'm going to keep plugging away.. The only thing that would really make me feel better.. is to build a business so I can be completely self sufficient. My two best friends have told me they think my father and I should be estranged.; I don't have any plan to "Use him, and dump him". That isn't in my nature. I will say this, if things with he and I don't improve, and I do become self sufficient, I'm going to greatly diminish my interaction with him. No more daily calls, etc.
Chances are this will never change.. but.. the last two years have been a huge wake up call.. and.. I'm convinced..a lesson.. on how family members can really treat one badly.. chances are a punishment.. for how I treated my mom.
Bottom line:
For many years, particularly at important times in her life, I was a complete scumbag to my mom, and I'm paying for it now.
I've documented my behavior to her during her cancer ordeal, while we were in NJ during the summer of 2011, how she was fighting for her life, and how I really behaved terribly to her, so much so that her Drs wanted to send me home to PA.
I had forgotten about something else serious I did to her, even though this was many years ago..,
After my mom and my father split.. my aunt the astrologer introduced my mom to a great man, an attorney, who my mom was really happy with.
My father, as I've documented before, is a cold, uncommunicative man, one minute phone calls, only thinks of himself first, etc etc.
During my mom';s relationship with the lawyer, she used to stay on the phone with him for hours, which annoyed little 20 year old Mitch, who was getting used to his parents being split up, and an estrangement from his father,. My mom needed the attention and communication she got from her lawyer bf, to make up for all the years my father didn't communicate with her. I couldn't see this then, because I was so obsessed with myself, how I reacted to the divorce, and my estrangement from my father. I see it now, and would completely change my behavior if I could go back.
I used to fight with my mom about her spending time with the lawyer, on the phone, and not paying attention to me.
A while later, she found out he had a drinking problem, and they split up. Sometime after that, the lawyer died. My mom dated other men casually, but was never the same.
So.. when she was trying to get her life together after the separation and divorce.. and when she was fighting cancer, and trying to stay alive. Mitch was a dick to her at the most important times of her life. I'm ashamed of myself about this. As I documented earlier, I did apologize to her before she died, for my behavior to her during the summer we were in NJ, when she was fighting cancer. My mom said she forgave me, but it doesn't excuse my behavior.
My aunts say I was a "Wonderful son" to her. Not so.. not that I see. I loved her, and was there for her when she was sick. Often, I thought of myself first, and was not sensitive to her feelings.
Now, she's gone for almost two years. I mourn her every day, and.. I;m left with a group of relatives who don't give a shit if I'm living or breathing.
My father: Calls me for one minute a day.. Analyzes why I have a "Sound to my voice". I could be in the middle of researching things for work, have something on my mind that my supervisor told me.. or just be having a bad day.
If I call my father.. to tell him something significant that happens with me, HE has the right to hang up on me, or tell me that he's busy.
I'm working my ass off.. to be free of him,. The "Job" that the genius Cheryl suggested will not get me free of him. All it might do.. is enable the witch to take another trip or two. because maybe my father would pay a few hundred less for my rent every month. As if she doesn't take enough trips already.
My two best friends see it clearly.. There is no "Relationship" with my father and me,. He is my landlord. I've seen him a total of an hour or two.. every two weeks.. this winter.. as he;s been in Florida, the islands.. Vegas, and everywhere else.
Today, after I got rejected by three straight business owners I approached.. who I know well, and tried to get to listen to me, I was feeling lower than low. He sent me a patronizing text saying "I'm making the effort". What fucking difference does it make how hard I'm working, if success doesn't come? If anything sounds patronizing on his part, that does.
I'm not going to give up on Aflac, or trying to get customers, unless I get fired. Simply put.. all I do care about right now.. is continuing to put the effort through, and what my supervisors at Aflac think. I don't give a shit what my father, my aunts.. or Cheryl think.. None of them have my best interests at heart. They are all so self obsessed.. they cant see anything else.
My father claims he is going to "Introduce me to people who can help" when he gets back from Florida. It would be nice if he did, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm going to have to keep plugging away myself.
While I know I'm not living in the same place anymore.. I don't feel my mom's presence around me at all. She's in my heart, and my mind. always. I miss her so much, that I cant even look at pictures. My theory is.. if there is an afterlife.. she's so busy, and so happy being with the relatives that have passed on, that she probably isn't giving much of a thought to me. I can actually understand that, considering how I treated her.
I'm going to keep plugging away.. The only thing that would really make me feel better.. is to build a business so I can be completely self sufficient. My two best friends have told me they think my father and I should be estranged.; I don't have any plan to "Use him, and dump him". That isn't in my nature. I will say this, if things with he and I don't improve, and I do become self sufficient, I'm going to greatly diminish my interaction with him. No more daily calls, etc.
Chances are this will never change.. but.. the last two years have been a huge wake up call.. and.. I'm convinced..a lesson.. on how family members can really treat one badly.. chances are a punishment.. for how I treated my mom.
