DICTIONARY.COM defines vulnerability as follows:
I think that most people who read those definitions will have some specific vulnerabilities that come to mind. Insecurities, health conditions, traumatic events, haunting mistakes, or a secret side to their personality. Generally, vulnerabilities are considered a bad thing. They often bring about feelings of shame or fear.
I grew up in a hardened subculture of the US where hard work was valued more than feelings. Vulnerability was always to be thought of as a weakness. Weakness was always perceived to be an unhealthy state. Only after leaving home and giving my mind time to open up, did I start to realize that the world is much more grey than black and white.
As I began to adapt to adult life, I noticed that my hardened, guarded personality was not well-suited for socializing and making friends. There was, and always had been a certain sense of security in that, though. After all, if you are not close to people, they can't easily hurt you. And I had been looking at vulnerability from that angle for so long. It took a lot of unwinding my thoughts to see that in order to be close to people, you must be vulnerable!
With a stressful job and other compounding life challenges, I began to desire meaningful human connections in my life. And vulnerability was the key I was missing to unlock that door. I remember a coworker of mine once told me that she liked animals more than people. She trusted them more and felt they made better friends. This was a sad thought to me and I meditated on it for a long time. Animals are great, but it was hard for me to see why they would be preferred so absolutely over human connection. I finally realized that animals are much more pure and authentic in their behaviors. You usually know what you are getting when you interact with them. You are risking little in possessing vulnerabilities around them. Your dog loves you the same whether you donated to a good cause or robbed an elderly neighbor.
When I thought about what I didn't like about my past relationships, I realized that most of the people involved were not very vulnerable with me, just as I had not been with them. I started to empathize with how people might feel if I show them no vulnerability. If you are not willing to trust someone enough with your feelings, it's hard for them to feel comfortable around you. I continue to struggle with this some and it's definitely a work in progress. What continues to make it so difficult is that, though there are many good people out there in the world, there are many that seek vulnerable people with the primary intention of taking advantage of them. It is still so difficult for me to trust new people.
I have made some headway on improving the quality of some of my existing relationships through carefully increasing vulnerability over time. I'm actually beginning to relax and enjoy the process as well as the results. I am especially enjoying the process with my wife, who has her own struggles with being vulnerable. I think the shared process has been very healthy for us.
From the kink angle, my kinks have been one of the more guarded parts of my personality. I'm so happy that my wife and I both have had a tickling fetish since before we even met. Even so, I try to be even more vulnerable and share other things I'm into, and she finds it interesting and sometimes even gets into them herself. Without my willingness to practice a little more vulnerability, I would not have even met her, or shared the wonderful things we share.
It's so interesting to think about vulnerability when it comes to sexuality and kink. Bondage is a wonderful example. It takes a lot of trust to let someone tie you down. Even with that trust, there is a great sense of vulnerability. You become ultra vulnerable to anything the other person wants to do to you. Of course there are boundaries that are set and all that, but those are based on trust, and nothing more. Only after being tied down and immobile, will you begin to appreciate just how sensitive and reactive the human body is, especially if you are also blindfolded. Slight touches can make you jump, with nowhere to escape to! There's nothing quite like playing with a person's vulnerability in this state, and there is such great potential for building quality connections through such activities. When someone allows you to tie them up and play with their vulnerabilities, you have received a precious, priceless gift. But for the one being vulnerable, they also receive a precious gift. It is very hard to find someone that can be trusted enough to help you experience and explore such a vulnerable state. Many never get the chance at all!
As a couple, my wife and I are slowly and carefully exploring doing tickling sessions with other people. We think that this is a new and interesting way to explore vulnerability and hope to grow from it. We also hope to give those we play with an experience that helps them grow too.
Hopefully you are reflecting on ways that you can build stronger, more meaningful connections as well. Think about ways that you can, with reasonable safety, practice vulnerability in your own life to enhance your experiences and relationships. If you've recently experimented with vulnerability, comment and tell me about it. I'd love to hear about it.
I think that most people who read those definitions will have some specific vulnerabilities that come to mind. Insecurities, health conditions, traumatic events, haunting mistakes, or a secret side to their personality. Generally, vulnerabilities are considered a bad thing. They often bring about feelings of shame or fear.
I grew up in a hardened subculture of the US where hard work was valued more than feelings. Vulnerability was always to be thought of as a weakness. Weakness was always perceived to be an unhealthy state. Only after leaving home and giving my mind time to open up, did I start to realize that the world is much more grey than black and white.
As I began to adapt to adult life, I noticed that my hardened, guarded personality was not well-suited for socializing and making friends. There was, and always had been a certain sense of security in that, though. After all, if you are not close to people, they can't easily hurt you. And I had been looking at vulnerability from that angle for so long. It took a lot of unwinding my thoughts to see that in order to be close to people, you must be vulnerable!
With a stressful job and other compounding life challenges, I began to desire meaningful human connections in my life. And vulnerability was the key I was missing to unlock that door. I remember a coworker of mine once told me that she liked animals more than people. She trusted them more and felt they made better friends. This was a sad thought to me and I meditated on it for a long time. Animals are great, but it was hard for me to see why they would be preferred so absolutely over human connection. I finally realized that animals are much more pure and authentic in their behaviors. You usually know what you are getting when you interact with them. You are risking little in possessing vulnerabilities around them. Your dog loves you the same whether you donated to a good cause or robbed an elderly neighbor.
When I thought about what I didn't like about my past relationships, I realized that most of the people involved were not very vulnerable with me, just as I had not been with them. I started to empathize with how people might feel if I show them no vulnerability. If you are not willing to trust someone enough with your feelings, it's hard for them to feel comfortable around you. I continue to struggle with this some and it's definitely a work in progress. What continues to make it so difficult is that, though there are many good people out there in the world, there are many that seek vulnerable people with the primary intention of taking advantage of them. It is still so difficult for me to trust new people.
I have made some headway on improving the quality of some of my existing relationships through carefully increasing vulnerability over time. I'm actually beginning to relax and enjoy the process as well as the results. I am especially enjoying the process with my wife, who has her own struggles with being vulnerable. I think the shared process has been very healthy for us.
From the kink angle, my kinks have been one of the more guarded parts of my personality. I'm so happy that my wife and I both have had a tickling fetish since before we even met. Even so, I try to be even more vulnerable and share other things I'm into, and she finds it interesting and sometimes even gets into them herself. Without my willingness to practice a little more vulnerability, I would not have even met her, or shared the wonderful things we share.
It's so interesting to think about vulnerability when it comes to sexuality and kink. Bondage is a wonderful example. It takes a lot of trust to let someone tie you down. Even with that trust, there is a great sense of vulnerability. You become ultra vulnerable to anything the other person wants to do to you. Of course there are boundaries that are set and all that, but those are based on trust, and nothing more. Only after being tied down and immobile, will you begin to appreciate just how sensitive and reactive the human body is, especially if you are also blindfolded. Slight touches can make you jump, with nowhere to escape to! There's nothing quite like playing with a person's vulnerability in this state, and there is such great potential for building quality connections through such activities. When someone allows you to tie them up and play with their vulnerabilities, you have received a precious, priceless gift. But for the one being vulnerable, they also receive a precious gift. It is very hard to find someone that can be trusted enough to help you experience and explore such a vulnerable state. Many never get the chance at all!
As a couple, my wife and I are slowly and carefully exploring doing tickling sessions with other people. We think that this is a new and interesting way to explore vulnerability and hope to grow from it. We also hope to give those we play with an experience that helps them grow too.
Hopefully you are reflecting on ways that you can build stronger, more meaningful connections as well. Think about ways that you can, with reasonable safety, practice vulnerability in your own life to enhance your experiences and relationships. If you've recently experimented with vulnerability, comment and tell me about it. I'd love to hear about it.
