This is kind of a part II to my previous post, Ugly. Thank you all who commented, it's very appreciated, very heartfelt.
I guess I am going to go a little more in deepth to my own questions, and others.
Everyone knows my wonderful love/hate relationship with my grandmother, I've spoken of her numerous times. She has done a lot of damage to my mind from as long as I can remember. And still to this day she will poke and prod at my hips or my stomach, whatever evidence of fat she can find. And she has no issue flaunting what she thinks of it. Now that I am getting older and more mature, I try to with the best ability I contain , to not let it bother me. And it doesn't always work. I can show confidence easily, but if you look deep into my eyes you will find that it is something that I lack.
In todays society of weight and porportion, I don't exactly fit, and I do understand most people feel this way as well. I could go into any clothing store: Charlotte Russe, Hot Topic, American Eagle, PacSun, NewYork&Co, Delias, Urban Outfitters,etc; and try on my size pants. And according to a measuring tape, that is the size I'm suppose to wear, but they don't fit. Those of you that have shopped in those stores, you know that more than half of them go no further than a size 13. And those size 13's are suppose to fit a size 13 with no ass. I'll be daft if I give you what size I wear. I have ran out of a mall crying because I can't fit into certain store brand pants. Through my eyes, when that does happen, I see myself as a certain size that isn't good enough. I think the designers when they create these brands they're thinking,"Okay lets do a size 15 but they can't have an ass, or thunder thighs, or love handles".
Oh yeah, I model, why the hell do I do that? Shit if I know. Perhaps it's the creativity in posing for photographers. There is only one photographer that I feel strongly about. I have posted those pictures on the forum, you've all seen them. I've worked with about a dozen photographers so far, and you've noticed, I haven't posted those pictures. They didn't exactly make me feel good about myself. They would tell me to tuck it in here, straighten up there. Mr. Biddle, my most cherished photographer, actually made me feel beautiful. He would always let me be free with my poses, "Do what you feel, you are beautiful". Unlike most photographers he was an actual artist, a painter; and he saw beauty in all imperfections. Imperfections is blasphemy through the eyes of some.
When I look in the mirror, I try to ignore my face and body and just see what I have to offer as far as personality. I think when people meet me or talk to me, they over look my face and body and seek a little deeper. Which is fine. I try to push my personality out as much as possible, so everything else is over looked. All the imperfections are overlooked. When they say hot, I hear humorous. When they say sexy, I hear unpredictable. When they say cute, I hear outgoing. When they say attractive, I hear unique.
So what lies behind the eyes of the beholder is up to the beholder, I see what I see.
I guess I am going to go a little more in deepth to my own questions, and others.
Everyone knows my wonderful love/hate relationship with my grandmother, I've spoken of her numerous times. She has done a lot of damage to my mind from as long as I can remember. And still to this day she will poke and prod at my hips or my stomach, whatever evidence of fat she can find. And she has no issue flaunting what she thinks of it. Now that I am getting older and more mature, I try to with the best ability I contain , to not let it bother me. And it doesn't always work. I can show confidence easily, but if you look deep into my eyes you will find that it is something that I lack.
In todays society of weight and porportion, I don't exactly fit, and I do understand most people feel this way as well. I could go into any clothing store: Charlotte Russe, Hot Topic, American Eagle, PacSun, NewYork&Co, Delias, Urban Outfitters,etc; and try on my size pants. And according to a measuring tape, that is the size I'm suppose to wear, but they don't fit. Those of you that have shopped in those stores, you know that more than half of them go no further than a size 13. And those size 13's are suppose to fit a size 13 with no ass. I'll be daft if I give you what size I wear. I have ran out of a mall crying because I can't fit into certain store brand pants. Through my eyes, when that does happen, I see myself as a certain size that isn't good enough. I think the designers when they create these brands they're thinking,"Okay lets do a size 15 but they can't have an ass, or thunder thighs, or love handles".
Oh yeah, I model, why the hell do I do that? Shit if I know. Perhaps it's the creativity in posing for photographers. There is only one photographer that I feel strongly about. I have posted those pictures on the forum, you've all seen them. I've worked with about a dozen photographers so far, and you've noticed, I haven't posted those pictures. They didn't exactly make me feel good about myself. They would tell me to tuck it in here, straighten up there. Mr. Biddle, my most cherished photographer, actually made me feel beautiful. He would always let me be free with my poses, "Do what you feel, you are beautiful". Unlike most photographers he was an actual artist, a painter; and he saw beauty in all imperfections. Imperfections is blasphemy through the eyes of some.
When I look in the mirror, I try to ignore my face and body and just see what I have to offer as far as personality. I think when people meet me or talk to me, they over look my face and body and seek a little deeper. Which is fine. I try to push my personality out as much as possible, so everything else is over looked. All the imperfections are overlooked. When they say hot, I hear humorous. When they say sexy, I hear unpredictable. When they say cute, I hear outgoing. When they say attractive, I hear unique.
So what lies behind the eyes of the beholder is up to the beholder, I see what I see.
