Last night, I felt so upset and fed up with my situation with my father, that I was thinking of drastic moves to just be free of him, completely, forever.
One of them was not suicide.. because.. as upset as I am.. I still want to live. I've worked very hard this year to rebuild my life.. with passing a professional licensing exam, going to the gym, and for speech therapy.
My intent, and hope had been early this year when I signed with Aflac, to get a few mega clients in Forest Hills. (Our local TGI Fridays, other local versions of big national companies, etc) so I could make a ton of money and be free of him. The restrictions Aflac places make things very difficult. No restaurants. No big companies because they cant get to the decision maker, etc etc.
Then I started thinking.. maybe I should just say fuck everything.,. cut bait from him, tell him to give up the apartment.. put my things in storage, and leave NYC forever, and go to a place I can find whatever job, and a cheap apartment.. and rebuild from the ground up.. where ever it leads me. The problem with that is.. most rural places require that someone has a car and drives. I don't drive. I could get my license back.. but.. to be able to afford a car and apartment on a minimum wage job. is likely not doable. I'd also have to pass another state's insurance exam.. unless I went to some rural area that's cheap in NY, because I only have a NY state insurance license, but. I'd have to do what I have to do.
Let's say for a minute that I was responsible.. or partially responsible for my position now for how things were during my years in Lancaster. Market America, the internet marketing company I was in for 3 years from 2001 to 2004, failed for me. Then I sold jewelry and antiques. Should I have had a job? Probably. I had the hamperance of not driving, and my mom';s refusal to let the driver go, and buy a car. I couldn't have afforded one on a low salary, and there are no public options like the subways I take here.
All I here from my father all the time is "What did you do in Lancaster?" Fine. Even if "justified". How about the following..
What is HIS responsibility in all this? While not legal, what about moral? Every parent in his social economic level that I know, paid for their children's college and grad school. He paid for undergrad, with a lot of hassle, and did not pay for grad school, even though I have letters in writing from him that he was going to pay for grad school. He never discussed my future with me. Even after Market America didn't work for me, he ran away as he always does, he never said "Okay, Mitch, try this". He just didn't care. I was also ten years younger then. Had such been done, I would have been on track with something, long ago.
In spite of all this: I have tried to leave all hurts and bad things he did to me, in the past, from the time I came to NY. I'm absolutely 100% aware that he can throw me out of this apartment at any time. I remind everyone. I called him in Feb 2012, to tell him my mom was going to die of a brain tumor, and HE OFFERED ME THIS APARTMENT. I never said "Daddy, give me this".
I had a nervous breakdown the first year I lived in NY, plain and simple. Dealing with my mom';s illness all alone, nearly dying of the seizure I had in NJ in 2011, being told she was cancer free, then after the brain cancer was diagnosed.. being all alone with her when she died, and during her ordeal with no family support. People react differently to things. Every Dr asked me during the two years she was sick. . "Who is taking care of you Mitch". No one took care of me during that time. I dealt with everything all alone.
He has never apologized to me for anything he did. I've repeatedly told him I was sorry for not moving faster to get a position during the first year I was here. He has never said. "Gee, Mitch, I'm really sorry that I didn't pay for grad school, or discuss your future with you when you were younger. " He never suggested a career for me where I could make a decent living, knowing my lack of work experience except for companies like Market America, and selling jewelry and antiques. . I found the Aflac situation myself, and was luckily hired by them. The client (s) that we're trying to sign are people he knows, but that's only after Aflac told me the restrictions they have on me, and after I tried to get situations myself.
He can go on, and on, and on, and on, about people I loved who are dead, and have been for years, knowing how I suffered with my mom during her illness. He doesn't leave anything in the past. I, however, am not allowed to have any feelings about him, his sick outbursts about people who cant hurt him anymore, and his relationship with his evil brother who wants to see me on SSD, homeless, or dead. This isn't a "Relationship" I have with him, it's a monarchy, where only his feelings count.
I don't know what the answer is. Even if the mega clients don't sign, and I'm forced to give up Aflac, and get a full time plus, minimum wage job for the rest of my life.. that type of salary wont allow me to survive in NYC. My aunt thinks he;'s crazy for suggesting I move back to Lancaster. One cant survive there without a car due to the rural surrounding. It isn't like NYC where you have subway stations every couple of blocks.
After this week: I really want to be free of him, any way I can. Simply put, his sick outbursts about my dead mother who cant hurt him anymore, when he has his evil brother telling him, to do vicious things to me, make me want to punch my father in the face.
If Aflac doesn't work, I give it up, get a low wage job, and even if he agrees to continue paying for this apartment.. I'm still subject to threat of him throwing me out of here anytime, and his vicious abuse which can cause me seizures. What I really want, if I cant get a mega client to be able to be successful at Aflac now, is to be able to say "Take your viciousness, your apartment, and yourself, and go fuck yourself, forever. You and I are done, and don't ever contact me again", and to ignore him until the day he dies.. even if he does his usual, and "Thinks for a year, and then gives me the bullshit "I was wrong, I was angry". When I suggested to him the other day that he maybe should go to counseling to deal with his rage, he refused, telling me that his problem was my mother, and my grandmother, (Who are dead).
I don't see this ending well. I wish I could sign a mega client immediately to make a ton of money, pay him off, and be free of him, but I don't see that happening, based on their restrictions of the clients I can sign. If it would have, it would have happened earlier this year.
I guess, realistically, even if Aflac doesn't succeed, and I have to get a minimum wage job.. I'm at his mercy to do anything to me that he wants.. unless I decide to leave NY, and tell him to go fuck himself. If that happens, or if he does throw me out of here, force me to do that, and not allow me to try finishing the job with Aflac, that would be it forever. If he came back to me in a year or two, whatever my situation would be.. it would be "You threw me off track again. You did things to force me to leave NY. Now you want to talk, go fuck yourself forever". I'd rather live on a low wage job at that point, than put up with this abuse.
I don't know what is going to happen, but, I will be very surprised if anything good happens, such as a mega client.. to allow me to afford this apartment myself, pay him off, and cut bait from him. Things like that just don't happen for me, even though the people at Aflac pitch how you have to strive to get mega clients all the time. The difficulties of insurance, and Aflac's restrictions about the type of clients, make that very difficult, next to impossible.
One of them was not suicide.. because.. as upset as I am.. I still want to live. I've worked very hard this year to rebuild my life.. with passing a professional licensing exam, going to the gym, and for speech therapy.
My intent, and hope had been early this year when I signed with Aflac, to get a few mega clients in Forest Hills. (Our local TGI Fridays, other local versions of big national companies, etc) so I could make a ton of money and be free of him. The restrictions Aflac places make things very difficult. No restaurants. No big companies because they cant get to the decision maker, etc etc.
Then I started thinking.. maybe I should just say fuck everything.,. cut bait from him, tell him to give up the apartment.. put my things in storage, and leave NYC forever, and go to a place I can find whatever job, and a cheap apartment.. and rebuild from the ground up.. where ever it leads me. The problem with that is.. most rural places require that someone has a car and drives. I don't drive. I could get my license back.. but.. to be able to afford a car and apartment on a minimum wage job. is likely not doable. I'd also have to pass another state's insurance exam.. unless I went to some rural area that's cheap in NY, because I only have a NY state insurance license, but. I'd have to do what I have to do.
Let's say for a minute that I was responsible.. or partially responsible for my position now for how things were during my years in Lancaster. Market America, the internet marketing company I was in for 3 years from 2001 to 2004, failed for me. Then I sold jewelry and antiques. Should I have had a job? Probably. I had the hamperance of not driving, and my mom';s refusal to let the driver go, and buy a car. I couldn't have afforded one on a low salary, and there are no public options like the subways I take here.
All I here from my father all the time is "What did you do in Lancaster?" Fine. Even if "justified". How about the following..
What is HIS responsibility in all this? While not legal, what about moral? Every parent in his social economic level that I know, paid for their children's college and grad school. He paid for undergrad, with a lot of hassle, and did not pay for grad school, even though I have letters in writing from him that he was going to pay for grad school. He never discussed my future with me. Even after Market America didn't work for me, he ran away as he always does, he never said "Okay, Mitch, try this". He just didn't care. I was also ten years younger then. Had such been done, I would have been on track with something, long ago.
In spite of all this: I have tried to leave all hurts and bad things he did to me, in the past, from the time I came to NY. I'm absolutely 100% aware that he can throw me out of this apartment at any time. I remind everyone. I called him in Feb 2012, to tell him my mom was going to die of a brain tumor, and HE OFFERED ME THIS APARTMENT. I never said "Daddy, give me this".
I had a nervous breakdown the first year I lived in NY, plain and simple. Dealing with my mom';s illness all alone, nearly dying of the seizure I had in NJ in 2011, being told she was cancer free, then after the brain cancer was diagnosed.. being all alone with her when she died, and during her ordeal with no family support. People react differently to things. Every Dr asked me during the two years she was sick. . "Who is taking care of you Mitch". No one took care of me during that time. I dealt with everything all alone.
He has never apologized to me for anything he did. I've repeatedly told him I was sorry for not moving faster to get a position during the first year I was here. He has never said. "Gee, Mitch, I'm really sorry that I didn't pay for grad school, or discuss your future with you when you were younger. " He never suggested a career for me where I could make a decent living, knowing my lack of work experience except for companies like Market America, and selling jewelry and antiques. . I found the Aflac situation myself, and was luckily hired by them. The client (s) that we're trying to sign are people he knows, but that's only after Aflac told me the restrictions they have on me, and after I tried to get situations myself.
He can go on, and on, and on, and on, about people I loved who are dead, and have been for years, knowing how I suffered with my mom during her illness. He doesn't leave anything in the past. I, however, am not allowed to have any feelings about him, his sick outbursts about people who cant hurt him anymore, and his relationship with his evil brother who wants to see me on SSD, homeless, or dead. This isn't a "Relationship" I have with him, it's a monarchy, where only his feelings count.
I don't know what the answer is. Even if the mega clients don't sign, and I'm forced to give up Aflac, and get a full time plus, minimum wage job for the rest of my life.. that type of salary wont allow me to survive in NYC. My aunt thinks he;'s crazy for suggesting I move back to Lancaster. One cant survive there without a car due to the rural surrounding. It isn't like NYC where you have subway stations every couple of blocks.
After this week: I really want to be free of him, any way I can. Simply put, his sick outbursts about my dead mother who cant hurt him anymore, when he has his evil brother telling him, to do vicious things to me, make me want to punch my father in the face.
If Aflac doesn't work, I give it up, get a low wage job, and even if he agrees to continue paying for this apartment.. I'm still subject to threat of him throwing me out of here anytime, and his vicious abuse which can cause me seizures. What I really want, if I cant get a mega client to be able to be successful at Aflac now, is to be able to say "Take your viciousness, your apartment, and yourself, and go fuck yourself, forever. You and I are done, and don't ever contact me again", and to ignore him until the day he dies.. even if he does his usual, and "Thinks for a year, and then gives me the bullshit "I was wrong, I was angry". When I suggested to him the other day that he maybe should go to counseling to deal with his rage, he refused, telling me that his problem was my mother, and my grandmother, (Who are dead).
I don't see this ending well. I wish I could sign a mega client immediately to make a ton of money, pay him off, and be free of him, but I don't see that happening, based on their restrictions of the clients I can sign. If it would have, it would have happened earlier this year.
I guess, realistically, even if Aflac doesn't succeed, and I have to get a minimum wage job.. I'm at his mercy to do anything to me that he wants.. unless I decide to leave NY, and tell him to go fuck himself. If that happens, or if he does throw me out of here, force me to do that, and not allow me to try finishing the job with Aflac, that would be it forever. If he came back to me in a year or two, whatever my situation would be.. it would be "You threw me off track again. You did things to force me to leave NY. Now you want to talk, go fuck yourself forever". I'd rather live on a low wage job at that point, than put up with this abuse.
I don't know what is going to happen, but, I will be very surprised if anything good happens, such as a mega client.. to allow me to afford this apartment myself, pay him off, and cut bait from him. Things like that just don't happen for me, even though the people at Aflac pitch how you have to strive to get mega clients all the time. The difficulties of insurance, and Aflac's restrictions about the type of clients, make that very difficult, next to impossible.
