These are my opinions. You may not share them.
Unlocking The Fear Inside You: For Tickling Fetishists: And Another Piece Of My Story
I am written quite frequently about how to get comfortable overall with Tickling being our Fetish. They are important to so many of us. I thought I would write a piece on it. In writing this a flood of memories came back to me. I could have kept them to myself but I see no reason to.
The questions and statements I receive:
-How do I get comfortable with Tickling?
-How do I ask my partner to tickle me/or to tickle her/him?
-How do I tell a potential partner I have a Tickling Fetish?
-How can I speak the words involved with Tickling… (Tickling… tickle… ticklish… etc)
-I can’t even SAY the words themselves out loud. I’m shy. I’m afraid of what people will think.
-I must be abnormal. And if I’m NOT abnormal… I STILL FEEL abnormal.
- I can’t meet people. I’m too afraid to meet other Tickling fetishists. Or vanilla’s. Or anyone in the BDSM Community. I’m embarrassed… I’m painfully shy… etc etc.
Let me cut to the most important aspect of this. The isolation. From everyone... and even ourselves. The only connection so many of us have is the TMF, Fetlife, Tumblr etc. And the Tickle porn we watch. For a lot of people, it fills the void enough to make it through the day. But.. It doesn’t fill the void in our hearts. And it certainly doesn’t fill the void sexually. Isolation is something so unbelievably unhealthy for you that you may indeed be cutting down your life span. If you are suffering ASIDE from the Tickling aspect…(In other areas of your life.) Trouble sleeping, trouble going out, overeating, undereating etc: There are low cost treatment centers to help you. Idc what age you are… you can get help. And I encourage you to do so. I can’t make a post like this without writing about mental health. Because sometimes Tickling can become the focus of our anxiety issues- but might be completely different in the underlying problem. Tickling being the side portion of the anxiety plate.
No matter what: Isolation. Even from communication online. People are even Catfishing others to take on an alternate identity. (In every community and site, this goes on rabidly. We’re not special in that regard.) Some people outright HATE that they have this fetish. It makes me sad whenever I hear that… But I get it. The bottom line though here is unequivocally: It’s unhealthy. Doctors say stress kills. If Tickling is a stress for you… then it’s time to find relief.
I recently did an audio where I talked about my pain. One of the biggest issues I had and STILL have to a degree: Is SPEAKING the words OUT LOUD. That inner turmoil began like a never ending parasite. For most of us this all started in childhood. I was 6 years old when I saw tickling within a cartoon. Now looking back… I feel I was too young for that. I AM thankful though I mean... I love this. I’m happy I got “the bug”. Still… it’s almost like a self education no one can teach you. You literally are flying by the seat of your pants to understand why this is happening to you. And when you read the stories I have yet to share until now… I hope you can look at your own story and feel a bit of relief you didn’t have to go through what I did. And that makes you move forward to find relief, once and for all.
We can’t choose when something like a fetish is going to strike. The younger years is usually when we become the conduit to the lightning bolt of our sexuality. And it sure makes a huge and lifelong impression on us, doesn’t it?
What I chose to do a few years ago… was start doing audios. I realized sitting here, alone in my bedroom: “If I can’t ask for what I want, or tell others what I want to do to them... I will continue to be afraid of my own voice. Of myself as a whole. (and keep dealing with the pain in my chest… the pressing.. a heavy weight) Did I want to keep living like that? No of course not. I don’t think you do either. There HAD to be a solution right? I thought so. Or else I would have been setting myself up for nothing but pain. Sadness. Heartache. This may have taken a year off my life already. The one thing I wanted to enjoy… I was standing in the way of myself. Not anyone else. Just me. When I tickled others in the past… I practically was a ghost. Tickling yes but silently tickling them. I also felt like I was letting my partners down from the full experience. Now THAT bothered me too.
The only time I truly feel relaxed is when I am writing. Talking with all of you. Sitting in the chat room. Or reading stories. As great as that all is...
For whatever reason… these words that became so undeniably potent to me/us. They criss crossed our mental wires into, yes loving it… craving it… but also to be AFRAID. Of ourselves, and others finding out. For a lot of us Tickling is sexual. And so it stands to reason and begs the question: What did our mind go through when it realized we wanted to cum to THIS? If you can’t remember that far back… I can to a degree. Between 6 and 9 these were my thoughts. I sought answers. I NEEDED answers from SOMEWHERE. And the journey I had was… “ay caramba”.
‘This is crazy!”
“Is something wrong with me?”
“I can’t tell anyone… they will think SOMETHING is wrong with me. I’m going to hide this and maybe someday… there will be someone out there like me. Is anyone out there like me?’
“I HAVE to hide this.”
“This is the stupidest thing to be into and I can’t believe I’m into this. WHY ME??” (And at that time I was raised in the Catholic religion… so I questioned God… ‘WHY ME? WHY would YOU do something like this to ME? Everyone’s going to think I’m a FREAK!!!” (As I was bullied through almost all my years at school… this was a serious and painful thing to do to me I felt. ) “What kind of twisted humor is this? Is God a bully too? “He” must HATE ME.” Seriously God? SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!
Over a period of time… Around… 8 I think… I had a realization. And many realizations followed. Most are quite humorous. So please take it as such. I was 8...
“Well… I guess you have your reasoning God. But if you are playing a cruel joke on me… well the jokes on you. I’m going to LOVE IT. But… if THIS is my cross to bear… I will accept this. And love it because I DO SINCERELY love it… and so… thank you for giving this gift to me. This is the best gift EVER and I'm so happy you gave it to ME.” I remember that moment. It was freeing. I was outside and talking straight to the sky. I felt empowered and a sense of relief. I wondered if God was bemused, irritated, angry, or thrilled at my decision. I didn’t care which one “He chose”. BUT… I then turned away from the sky..
(Thinking to myself…) “Ok… now what? I guess I still have to hide it until I meet someone like me right? But.. what if I’m the only one? What am I going to do? Or MAYBE… there IS someone out there like me. When I grow up… maybe I will find him… and maybe he will fall in love with me. Or grow to love it too. And if not.. at least I can enjoy it by myself. It’ll be my SECRET. And I will ONLY tell those people so I don’t get HURT.” (And P.S God... pleeeeease let it be George Michael or John Stamos… please?!?)
When you’re a kid and you feel like you have a battle going on for a test of wills with “God”. (Over what we cum to?) To not be further humiliated… that’s a huge weight to carry. And a scary one. But… in that moment I felt superhuman. Special. And STRONG. Who else could such a battle be happening to? No one I suspected. But maybe there were others where different kind of battles were going on. I thought maybe I was to be even a martyr. To many bad things like bullying and odd things (tickling) had happened for this all to be a coincidence. I even questioned the “Devil” himself and his role in all this. This is also probably why I was drawn into Horror films so young too. Seeing the battle of good vs evil might clue me in to this insanity playing out around me in the invisible world I couldn't see.
As I would sit in church with my family I would look around the church. Especially the Stations Of The Cross portrayed on the stained glass windows. I’m sorry... but I couldn't help but think: “Why are people tying up Jesus? Did Jesus like being tied up? Did God WANT Jesus tied up? (I quickly dismissed that one… that was over the line even for me.) But... “WAS GOD ENJOYING TICKLING TOO?!?!? WOAH!!!” *MIND BLOWN*. (And was being bullied part of this somehow…?) Even seeing the blood and thorns… Jesus comes BACK. “Something's going on here the story of Jesus and God aren’t saying in the bible. (I’ve read enough of it I’ll tell you tickling isn’t mentioned as far as I know lolololol) “People must have left these parts out on purpose. Is NO ONE seeing the underlying theme here but ME? JESUS IS TIED UP!! Probably not… how could they? This must be meant just for ME to SEE. It’s a ruse. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! *head explodes*
lolololololololol
Soon after I was tying up anyone who let me… (not many…) And tickling them like mad. I no longer cared about Heaven or Hell per say. No matter… I was going to give them ALL a front row seat to what I could do. Maybe I’d even be given my own special place because I was so good (and evil) at it. In Heaven OR Hell. I would fit into either place right? Maybe I’d be taking trips back and forth to show both entities what I had learned on earth. Tickle torture. I hope you’re laughing because I certainly am remembering all this. I haven’t thought about all this since then.
I’m sharing this because I want to press upon you the burden of sexuality starts early for most all of us. But at least I felt a sense of freedom in it. And I could embrace the “evil” aspect of it too. Free from considering it wrong. I was “winning” either way. I felt like I was special. Superhuman. Maybe even Immortal. A lot of people say they “Know God.” Well… I thought I knew him in a far different way than anyone else did.
“God you’re pretty cool actually.”
I’ll tell you this next story because I want you to understand the ingrained shame that came along for the ride with me. One afternoon I had fallen asleep beside my mother. (Actually she became my mother- she was my Grandmother- I am adopted.) She was reading and I must have been tired from playing outside. I think I was… 9 or 10. I don’t quite remember. All of a sudden I hear my name being called. I woke up… and I heard her saying: “Stop tickling my feet” She was bemused. I WAS NOT.
I literally was tickling her feet IN MY SLEEP.
I don’t think I have EVER been more embarrassed than I was in that moment. I still shudder over it on the VERY rare occasion it creeps into my thoughts. She said “What were you dreaming” I was like… “I HAVE NO IDEA- I’M SORRY. GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM.” She laughed it off thinking it was funny. That I must have been having a crazy kid dream. I QUICKLY made my way out of that room and back outside. Shaking with fear. Trembling over the FACT I had been CAUGHT. Not only did I have the fetish to deal with of which I was not prepared for… all by myself: but NOW I had to be concerned that… MY MIND was working against me… and could betray me at any given moment. For someone who never had that tickle bond that occurs in families… thinking they never loved me enough to do it… I felt disgusting. I DID rationalize it quickly in the coming months to be able to go on. But...
That doubled my fear.. to say the least. I was absolutely horrified. “God” sure got an earful that day. “WHAT A JERK YOU ARE.” Tears falling. This was my (Grand)mother for crying out loud. So I was grossed out too.
I actually wondered if that had killed the love of tickling for me right then and there. But… I came to the conclusion I just had to be careful from then on out. (If God was determined to make a fool out of me… I would have to fight back somehow. Unless this was the aspect of martyrdom I hadn’t considered. To be given something I loved… to have it taken away.) (Btw I KNOW what martyrdom means but I’m coming from the perspective I had as a child.) I walked that yard back and forth trying to find some sort of solution. If THIS could happen while I was SLEEPING… what chance did I have to hold on to my already imprinted, sexual/ kink privacy and identity. I’m pretty sure I didn’t sleep much over the next few weeks. Esp with a picture of Jesus hanging on the wall in my Great Grandmother’s bedroom. Watching me… (Very scary.)
I also had childhood seizures so I required a bed rail so that I wouldn't fall off the bed if one started. Having childhood epilepsy also meant I had to sleep with my Great Grandmother. (My Grandmother’s mother for clarity.)
I wrapped myself into that guard rail like a pretzel. I mean... legs twisted into it… arms wrapped in and around it. I would even trap my arms underneath the rails. My G.G would notice this every once in awhile and tell me to stop… that I would hurt myself. But I would just wait till she fell asleep. Sometimes I just kept my hands trapped between my knees. I also would cover myself with dolls and teddy bears. That if the dolls moved it would wake me or alert me that I moved too much. And as a makeshift border between us. Even after the seizures stopped I never had my own bed. Not till I was 14. My mother had to use my bed because of her bad limp she had. Can you imagine that? I never even got to have my own bed. I had my own room. But I wasn’t allowed to sleep in it. (The picture of Jesus I thought now had a smirk… “hahahaha”.) So any fantasizing had to be done outside. Which is probably why I have some of the outdoor tickling fantasies that I do now.
Though I’m not religious anymore. I consider myself spiritual. And I talk to the universe itself sometimes. Or to my family who have passed away. Too much has happened since that… I just can’t believe in a God that controls everything. I think the Universe is too magical and wonderous to give the reins to just one entity. Especially one that enjoys bondage and tickling… (lololololol) 😉
So...It’s unfair to you whom is reading this... to keep your fear alive. It was unfair to me to go through what I did. But we all have our stories of burgeoning sexuality. And most are probably just as scary, crazy, weird, and awkward.
If you REALLY want to get comfortable with this. If you are READY to find peace within yourself. READY to ACCEPT what you have inside YOU. Then this is the biggest tip I can give. Exposure therapy for us in the Tickling Community.
Get a recording app onto your phone. Find some time to be alone. And practice saying the words out loud. Start with a whisper if that's all you can do- until you can say it louder and louder. Then maybe write out a paragraph or two of what you would LOVE to say to someone else. Pretend like you are speaking to someone on the phone. (That was my beginning trick I used.)
You might and probably will be nervous. ( I was sweating and could barely breath.) But... I worked on my first audio until not only did I actually like it. I was actually impressed with how I was saying these things. I liked the Ler I was hearing. (My lee side was VERY impressed.) So I posted it. I figured if anyone was going to be honest with me… and be kind to me. Maybe critical yes but hopefully not hateful: Then I had to try. YOUR opinions of me MATTERED. At least as far as my voice. And the stories I was presenting. The craft and art of tickle talk itself. I’ve wondered how I sounded for years.
The high I get from people enjoying my audios is far greater to me than the temporary uncomfortableness I still have to go through. And the inner dialogue I have before I post is peanuts to the ones I thought I was having with “God” long ago.
Doing audios… saying these words in front of my Bf… (like when I’m relating a post or story I have read-) and in the future meeting people… IS. EXPOSURE. THERAPY. There really is no way around it.
There’s actually a video of… people that have a fear of feathers. A real phobia. And the Therapist guides her over a period of time… slowly to get her use to even SEEING the feather in her presence. And for her… over the time period… eventually she is holding it! Now that doesn't work for everyone with a phobia so fast. It can take multiple sessions and exposure. But… the point is… you CAN get over at least a lot of the fear if you expose yourself to it. You might even get over it completely! Who knows? 🙂 But you won’t know if you don’t try. Forget watching videos. Forget rp. Forget trying to make personal ads. THIS is the REAL WORK that has to be accomplished. First and foremost. It’s your inner dialogue preventing you from going forward. And your voice holding you back. Fuck shyness. Fuck your thoughts. Fuck your voice. Fuck it ALL. They are weak... and you must strengthen them like any other muscle. If you think what I just wrote is heavy handed... don't you think it's time to be heavy handed with yourself? Letting youself be controlled to the point you don't feel you can even ask for what you want? It certainly hasn't worked thus far has it? You have to find the determination to go forward. Tell your shyness FUCK YOU. Tell your thoughts FUCK YOU. Take the CONTROL BACK
Just start with an audio. Your voice and your mind need to be alone first. You have been battling yourself for so long… it’s time you learn to win rather than let it defeat you. To uncross the wires for YOURSELF. Even take pictures in what your consider your fantasy Ler/lee clothes too. (You don’t have to post them online- just think of it as Cosplay.) And don’t just take pictures of your feet. That's great… but… it’s not enough. I know a lot of you feel by posting pics of your feet its... to excite us or show your most vulnerable part of your body. That IS exposure therapy believe it or not. But… its not enough.
Bottom line: HAVE FUN WITH IT. Bring the joy into your life you have YET to truly experience. It will push you forward into so many of the things you want. Wouldn't it be far better to be proud of who you are and what's inside you… then remain a victim to it? Let go of the fear once and for all. Be free. And take all of us with you on your journey if you so wish to. So that we can all heal… and have fun together someday. Whatever your goals are… you have to TRY.
Even to go to an event: I'd rather show up and faint. Then... not have gone at all.
No regrets.
Love,
CapturedDoll
Unlocking The Fear Inside You: For Tickling Fetishists: And Another Piece Of My Story
I am written quite frequently about how to get comfortable overall with Tickling being our Fetish. They are important to so many of us. I thought I would write a piece on it. In writing this a flood of memories came back to me. I could have kept them to myself but I see no reason to.
The questions and statements I receive:
-How do I get comfortable with Tickling?
-How do I ask my partner to tickle me/or to tickle her/him?
-How do I tell a potential partner I have a Tickling Fetish?
-How can I speak the words involved with Tickling… (Tickling… tickle… ticklish… etc)
-I can’t even SAY the words themselves out loud. I’m shy. I’m afraid of what people will think.
-I must be abnormal. And if I’m NOT abnormal… I STILL FEEL abnormal.
- I can’t meet people. I’m too afraid to meet other Tickling fetishists. Or vanilla’s. Or anyone in the BDSM Community. I’m embarrassed… I’m painfully shy… etc etc.
Let me cut to the most important aspect of this. The isolation. From everyone... and even ourselves. The only connection so many of us have is the TMF, Fetlife, Tumblr etc. And the Tickle porn we watch. For a lot of people, it fills the void enough to make it through the day. But.. It doesn’t fill the void in our hearts. And it certainly doesn’t fill the void sexually. Isolation is something so unbelievably unhealthy for you that you may indeed be cutting down your life span. If you are suffering ASIDE from the Tickling aspect…(In other areas of your life.) Trouble sleeping, trouble going out, overeating, undereating etc: There are low cost treatment centers to help you. Idc what age you are… you can get help. And I encourage you to do so. I can’t make a post like this without writing about mental health. Because sometimes Tickling can become the focus of our anxiety issues- but might be completely different in the underlying problem. Tickling being the side portion of the anxiety plate.
No matter what: Isolation. Even from communication online. People are even Catfishing others to take on an alternate identity. (In every community and site, this goes on rabidly. We’re not special in that regard.) Some people outright HATE that they have this fetish. It makes me sad whenever I hear that… But I get it. The bottom line though here is unequivocally: It’s unhealthy. Doctors say stress kills. If Tickling is a stress for you… then it’s time to find relief.
I recently did an audio where I talked about my pain. One of the biggest issues I had and STILL have to a degree: Is SPEAKING the words OUT LOUD. That inner turmoil began like a never ending parasite. For most of us this all started in childhood. I was 6 years old when I saw tickling within a cartoon. Now looking back… I feel I was too young for that. I AM thankful though I mean... I love this. I’m happy I got “the bug”. Still… it’s almost like a self education no one can teach you. You literally are flying by the seat of your pants to understand why this is happening to you. And when you read the stories I have yet to share until now… I hope you can look at your own story and feel a bit of relief you didn’t have to go through what I did. And that makes you move forward to find relief, once and for all.
We can’t choose when something like a fetish is going to strike. The younger years is usually when we become the conduit to the lightning bolt of our sexuality. And it sure makes a huge and lifelong impression on us, doesn’t it?
What I chose to do a few years ago… was start doing audios. I realized sitting here, alone in my bedroom: “If I can’t ask for what I want, or tell others what I want to do to them... I will continue to be afraid of my own voice. Of myself as a whole. (and keep dealing with the pain in my chest… the pressing.. a heavy weight) Did I want to keep living like that? No of course not. I don’t think you do either. There HAD to be a solution right? I thought so. Or else I would have been setting myself up for nothing but pain. Sadness. Heartache. This may have taken a year off my life already. The one thing I wanted to enjoy… I was standing in the way of myself. Not anyone else. Just me. When I tickled others in the past… I practically was a ghost. Tickling yes but silently tickling them. I also felt like I was letting my partners down from the full experience. Now THAT bothered me too.
The only time I truly feel relaxed is when I am writing. Talking with all of you. Sitting in the chat room. Or reading stories. As great as that all is...
For whatever reason… these words that became so undeniably potent to me/us. They criss crossed our mental wires into, yes loving it… craving it… but also to be AFRAID. Of ourselves, and others finding out. For a lot of us Tickling is sexual. And so it stands to reason and begs the question: What did our mind go through when it realized we wanted to cum to THIS? If you can’t remember that far back… I can to a degree. Between 6 and 9 these were my thoughts. I sought answers. I NEEDED answers from SOMEWHERE. And the journey I had was… “ay caramba”.
‘This is crazy!”
“Is something wrong with me?”
“I can’t tell anyone… they will think SOMETHING is wrong with me. I’m going to hide this and maybe someday… there will be someone out there like me. Is anyone out there like me?’
“I HAVE to hide this.”
“This is the stupidest thing to be into and I can’t believe I’m into this. WHY ME??” (And at that time I was raised in the Catholic religion… so I questioned God… ‘WHY ME? WHY would YOU do something like this to ME? Everyone’s going to think I’m a FREAK!!!” (As I was bullied through almost all my years at school… this was a serious and painful thing to do to me I felt. ) “What kind of twisted humor is this? Is God a bully too? “He” must HATE ME.” Seriously God? SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!
Over a period of time… Around… 8 I think… I had a realization. And many realizations followed. Most are quite humorous. So please take it as such. I was 8...
“Well… I guess you have your reasoning God. But if you are playing a cruel joke on me… well the jokes on you. I’m going to LOVE IT. But… if THIS is my cross to bear… I will accept this. And love it because I DO SINCERELY love it… and so… thank you for giving this gift to me. This is the best gift EVER and I'm so happy you gave it to ME.” I remember that moment. It was freeing. I was outside and talking straight to the sky. I felt empowered and a sense of relief. I wondered if God was bemused, irritated, angry, or thrilled at my decision. I didn’t care which one “He chose”. BUT… I then turned away from the sky..
(Thinking to myself…) “Ok… now what? I guess I still have to hide it until I meet someone like me right? But.. what if I’m the only one? What am I going to do? Or MAYBE… there IS someone out there like me. When I grow up… maybe I will find him… and maybe he will fall in love with me. Or grow to love it too. And if not.. at least I can enjoy it by myself. It’ll be my SECRET. And I will ONLY tell those people so I don’t get HURT.” (And P.S God... pleeeeease let it be George Michael or John Stamos… please?!?)
When you’re a kid and you feel like you have a battle going on for a test of wills with “God”. (Over what we cum to?) To not be further humiliated… that’s a huge weight to carry. And a scary one. But… in that moment I felt superhuman. Special. And STRONG. Who else could such a battle be happening to? No one I suspected. But maybe there were others where different kind of battles were going on. I thought maybe I was to be even a martyr. To many bad things like bullying and odd things (tickling) had happened for this all to be a coincidence. I even questioned the “Devil” himself and his role in all this. This is also probably why I was drawn into Horror films so young too. Seeing the battle of good vs evil might clue me in to this insanity playing out around me in the invisible world I couldn't see.
As I would sit in church with my family I would look around the church. Especially the Stations Of The Cross portrayed on the stained glass windows. I’m sorry... but I couldn't help but think: “Why are people tying up Jesus? Did Jesus like being tied up? Did God WANT Jesus tied up? (I quickly dismissed that one… that was over the line even for me.) But... “WAS GOD ENJOYING TICKLING TOO?!?!? WOAH!!!” *MIND BLOWN*. (And was being bullied part of this somehow…?) Even seeing the blood and thorns… Jesus comes BACK. “Something's going on here the story of Jesus and God aren’t saying in the bible. (I’ve read enough of it I’ll tell you tickling isn’t mentioned as far as I know lolololol) “People must have left these parts out on purpose. Is NO ONE seeing the underlying theme here but ME? JESUS IS TIED UP!! Probably not… how could they? This must be meant just for ME to SEE. It’s a ruse. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW! *head explodes*
lolololololololol
Soon after I was tying up anyone who let me… (not many…) And tickling them like mad. I no longer cared about Heaven or Hell per say. No matter… I was going to give them ALL a front row seat to what I could do. Maybe I’d even be given my own special place because I was so good (and evil) at it. In Heaven OR Hell. I would fit into either place right? Maybe I’d be taking trips back and forth to show both entities what I had learned on earth. Tickle torture. I hope you’re laughing because I certainly am remembering all this. I haven’t thought about all this since then.
I’m sharing this because I want to press upon you the burden of sexuality starts early for most all of us. But at least I felt a sense of freedom in it. And I could embrace the “evil” aspect of it too. Free from considering it wrong. I was “winning” either way. I felt like I was special. Superhuman. Maybe even Immortal. A lot of people say they “Know God.” Well… I thought I knew him in a far different way than anyone else did.
“God you’re pretty cool actually.”
I’ll tell you this next story because I want you to understand the ingrained shame that came along for the ride with me. One afternoon I had fallen asleep beside my mother. (Actually she became my mother- she was my Grandmother- I am adopted.) She was reading and I must have been tired from playing outside. I think I was… 9 or 10. I don’t quite remember. All of a sudden I hear my name being called. I woke up… and I heard her saying: “Stop tickling my feet” She was bemused. I WAS NOT.
I literally was tickling her feet IN MY SLEEP.
I don’t think I have EVER been more embarrassed than I was in that moment. I still shudder over it on the VERY rare occasion it creeps into my thoughts. She said “What were you dreaming” I was like… “I HAVE NO IDEA- I’M SORRY. GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM.” She laughed it off thinking it was funny. That I must have been having a crazy kid dream. I QUICKLY made my way out of that room and back outside. Shaking with fear. Trembling over the FACT I had been CAUGHT. Not only did I have the fetish to deal with of which I was not prepared for… all by myself: but NOW I had to be concerned that… MY MIND was working against me… and could betray me at any given moment. For someone who never had that tickle bond that occurs in families… thinking they never loved me enough to do it… I felt disgusting. I DID rationalize it quickly in the coming months to be able to go on. But...
That doubled my fear.. to say the least. I was absolutely horrified. “God” sure got an earful that day. “WHAT A JERK YOU ARE.” Tears falling. This was my (Grand)mother for crying out loud. So I was grossed out too.
I actually wondered if that had killed the love of tickling for me right then and there. But… I came to the conclusion I just had to be careful from then on out. (If God was determined to make a fool out of me… I would have to fight back somehow. Unless this was the aspect of martyrdom I hadn’t considered. To be given something I loved… to have it taken away.) (Btw I KNOW what martyrdom means but I’m coming from the perspective I had as a child.) I walked that yard back and forth trying to find some sort of solution. If THIS could happen while I was SLEEPING… what chance did I have to hold on to my already imprinted, sexual/ kink privacy and identity. I’m pretty sure I didn’t sleep much over the next few weeks. Esp with a picture of Jesus hanging on the wall in my Great Grandmother’s bedroom. Watching me… (Very scary.)
I also had childhood seizures so I required a bed rail so that I wouldn't fall off the bed if one started. Having childhood epilepsy also meant I had to sleep with my Great Grandmother. (My Grandmother’s mother for clarity.)
I wrapped myself into that guard rail like a pretzel. I mean... legs twisted into it… arms wrapped in and around it. I would even trap my arms underneath the rails. My G.G would notice this every once in awhile and tell me to stop… that I would hurt myself. But I would just wait till she fell asleep. Sometimes I just kept my hands trapped between my knees. I also would cover myself with dolls and teddy bears. That if the dolls moved it would wake me or alert me that I moved too much. And as a makeshift border between us. Even after the seizures stopped I never had my own bed. Not till I was 14. My mother had to use my bed because of her bad limp she had. Can you imagine that? I never even got to have my own bed. I had my own room. But I wasn’t allowed to sleep in it. (The picture of Jesus I thought now had a smirk… “hahahaha”.) So any fantasizing had to be done outside. Which is probably why I have some of the outdoor tickling fantasies that I do now.
Though I’m not religious anymore. I consider myself spiritual. And I talk to the universe itself sometimes. Or to my family who have passed away. Too much has happened since that… I just can’t believe in a God that controls everything. I think the Universe is too magical and wonderous to give the reins to just one entity. Especially one that enjoys bondage and tickling… (lololololol) 😉
So...It’s unfair to you whom is reading this... to keep your fear alive. It was unfair to me to go through what I did. But we all have our stories of burgeoning sexuality. And most are probably just as scary, crazy, weird, and awkward.
If you REALLY want to get comfortable with this. If you are READY to find peace within yourself. READY to ACCEPT what you have inside YOU. Then this is the biggest tip I can give. Exposure therapy for us in the Tickling Community.
Get a recording app onto your phone. Find some time to be alone. And practice saying the words out loud. Start with a whisper if that's all you can do- until you can say it louder and louder. Then maybe write out a paragraph or two of what you would LOVE to say to someone else. Pretend like you are speaking to someone on the phone. (That was my beginning trick I used.)
You might and probably will be nervous. ( I was sweating and could barely breath.) But... I worked on my first audio until not only did I actually like it. I was actually impressed with how I was saying these things. I liked the Ler I was hearing. (My lee side was VERY impressed.) So I posted it. I figured if anyone was going to be honest with me… and be kind to me. Maybe critical yes but hopefully not hateful: Then I had to try. YOUR opinions of me MATTERED. At least as far as my voice. And the stories I was presenting. The craft and art of tickle talk itself. I’ve wondered how I sounded for years.
The high I get from people enjoying my audios is far greater to me than the temporary uncomfortableness I still have to go through. And the inner dialogue I have before I post is peanuts to the ones I thought I was having with “God” long ago.
Doing audios… saying these words in front of my Bf… (like when I’m relating a post or story I have read-) and in the future meeting people… IS. EXPOSURE. THERAPY. There really is no way around it.
There’s actually a video of… people that have a fear of feathers. A real phobia. And the Therapist guides her over a period of time… slowly to get her use to even SEEING the feather in her presence. And for her… over the time period… eventually she is holding it! Now that doesn't work for everyone with a phobia so fast. It can take multiple sessions and exposure. But… the point is… you CAN get over at least a lot of the fear if you expose yourself to it. You might even get over it completely! Who knows? 🙂 But you won’t know if you don’t try. Forget watching videos. Forget rp. Forget trying to make personal ads. THIS is the REAL WORK that has to be accomplished. First and foremost. It’s your inner dialogue preventing you from going forward. And your voice holding you back. Fuck shyness. Fuck your thoughts. Fuck your voice. Fuck it ALL. They are weak... and you must strengthen them like any other muscle. If you think what I just wrote is heavy handed... don't you think it's time to be heavy handed with yourself? Letting youself be controlled to the point you don't feel you can even ask for what you want? It certainly hasn't worked thus far has it? You have to find the determination to go forward. Tell your shyness FUCK YOU. Tell your thoughts FUCK YOU. Take the CONTROL BACK
Just start with an audio. Your voice and your mind need to be alone first. You have been battling yourself for so long… it’s time you learn to win rather than let it defeat you. To uncross the wires for YOURSELF. Even take pictures in what your consider your fantasy Ler/lee clothes too. (You don’t have to post them online- just think of it as Cosplay.) And don’t just take pictures of your feet. That's great… but… it’s not enough. I know a lot of you feel by posting pics of your feet its... to excite us or show your most vulnerable part of your body. That IS exposure therapy believe it or not. But… its not enough.
Bottom line: HAVE FUN WITH IT. Bring the joy into your life you have YET to truly experience. It will push you forward into so many of the things you want. Wouldn't it be far better to be proud of who you are and what's inside you… then remain a victim to it? Let go of the fear once and for all. Be free. And take all of us with you on your journey if you so wish to. So that we can all heal… and have fun together someday. Whatever your goals are… you have to TRY.
Even to go to an event: I'd rather show up and faint. Then... not have gone at all.
No regrets.
Love,
CapturedDoll
