An update, about lunch with "My father".
I was feeling very shaky, considering what yesterday was. He came here, guns blazing. The man is just unreal.
His "anger", about my mom lying to us about her age. Big crime of the century. She's dead, and wasn't even his wife anymore.
How he could have "stopped paying aimony, and put her in the street, and how the only reason he paid was me". He didn't pay because.. he had a legal court order to.. or.. because it would have been amoral of him to put his ex wife of 23 years in the street.
His brother and cousin are "not diplomatic". in their behavior toward me. He expresses rage, toward my mom, a dead woman, who gave him me, and 22 years of her life, but,., people who tell him to be estranged from me,.., are good.
He wants me to "prepare to approach the appropriate parties about my business", but I "Also need to be prepared if it doesn't work."
He went off on me about "not having a job". Even if in principle hes right. I was livng off work I did, and things I sold. I also don't have a good resume. I know I have to push myself, but his delivery is unreal.
He told me that he "didn't come out here to tell me he was putting me in the street", even though I know that threat is always over my head if I look at him cross eyed.
My aunt is enraged that he keeps going off about how he could have put my dead mother in the street. He thinks there would have been no consequences of that.
Bottom line: He knows he can do what he wants, when he wants, and I have no defense. He can wake up on the wrong side of the bed, decide hes putting me in the street, and I have no recourse. My feeling is that he is probably getting pressure from everyone in his world to end things with me, and do me in. He says no, but I know hes lying.,
My favorite thing is when he tells me that Sandy (The bitch who insulted my mom) "Really cares about me, and would "kill" for me".
What is happening now is exactly what my mom feared, and why she didn't encourage me to see him. He lets out all his anger to me, for everything in his life.
Soo.. I will do what I said. I already drafted a letter to one person about my marketing idea, and have been ignored. I am going to approach another person connected to that source. I will work at finding a "job", both because I need money, and to shut this fuck up. My view, no matter what I do, wont be enough, but I have no choice. My only real way out of this, is if my business works as I want, I could pay him back every penny he';s laid out for me, and be estranged from him. My mom, may she rest, told me repeatedly how she felt I was much happier when I was estranged from him. I see now that she was right. I view him more as a Boss, and a menacing person who can do me in, rather than a father. This is his doing.
So, that's the latest. I don't expect this to get any better., It wont, unless I can do my business, and untie from him. Until then, I have no choice but to accept how he is., I know I shouldn't complain that he never sees me. I;m better off not seeing him very often.
I was feeling very shaky, considering what yesterday was. He came here, guns blazing. The man is just unreal.
His "anger", about my mom lying to us about her age. Big crime of the century. She's dead, and wasn't even his wife anymore.
How he could have "stopped paying aimony, and put her in the street, and how the only reason he paid was me". He didn't pay because.. he had a legal court order to.. or.. because it would have been amoral of him to put his ex wife of 23 years in the street.
His brother and cousin are "not diplomatic". in their behavior toward me. He expresses rage, toward my mom, a dead woman, who gave him me, and 22 years of her life, but,., people who tell him to be estranged from me,.., are good.
He wants me to "prepare to approach the appropriate parties about my business", but I "Also need to be prepared if it doesn't work."
He went off on me about "not having a job". Even if in principle hes right. I was livng off work I did, and things I sold. I also don't have a good resume. I know I have to push myself, but his delivery is unreal.
He told me that he "didn't come out here to tell me he was putting me in the street", even though I know that threat is always over my head if I look at him cross eyed.
My aunt is enraged that he keeps going off about how he could have put my dead mother in the street. He thinks there would have been no consequences of that.
Bottom line: He knows he can do what he wants, when he wants, and I have no defense. He can wake up on the wrong side of the bed, decide hes putting me in the street, and I have no recourse. My feeling is that he is probably getting pressure from everyone in his world to end things with me, and do me in. He says no, but I know hes lying.,
My favorite thing is when he tells me that Sandy (The bitch who insulted my mom) "Really cares about me, and would "kill" for me".
What is happening now is exactly what my mom feared, and why she didn't encourage me to see him. He lets out all his anger to me, for everything in his life.
Soo.. I will do what I said. I already drafted a letter to one person about my marketing idea, and have been ignored. I am going to approach another person connected to that source. I will work at finding a "job", both because I need money, and to shut this fuck up. My view, no matter what I do, wont be enough, but I have no choice. My only real way out of this, is if my business works as I want, I could pay him back every penny he';s laid out for me, and be estranged from him. My mom, may she rest, told me repeatedly how she felt I was much happier when I was estranged from him. I see now that she was right. I view him more as a Boss, and a menacing person who can do me in, rather than a father. This is his doing.
So, that's the latest. I don't expect this to get any better., It wont, unless I can do my business, and untie from him. Until then, I have no choice but to accept how he is., I know I shouldn't complain that he never sees me. I;m better off not seeing him very often.
