To start with, I'm not writing this to get people to feign sympathy for me. This has been going on for a while for me and I figured it'd be healthy to write it out and maybe have people chime in with their thoughts or experiences. Also, I apologize if this reads like the inane ramblings of a crazy person, emotional stuff is hard for me to process properly so it comes out really disjointed, making it hard to write down in a way that's coherent.
To give a little background on myself, I'm a fairly introverted person. I have absolutely no problem talking with people and being social (a friend of mine who knows a lot about those 16 personality types has me pegged as "the most extroverted kind of introvert") but I do find it incredibly draining and I only want to have a small group of people who I consider myself close to. This usually leads to me keeping people at arms length and being pretty aware of where the relationship stands.
Since I was in high school, I've been going through these weird periods where I feel incredibly lonely and critical of myself. I'm not sure if it's the same thing as classic "depression" so I don't know what I should really call it. Anyway, I start feeling like I have no one to really reach out to and I'm kind of left in my own head where I just pick at all my shortcomings. I don't know if these periods come up because I'm feeling sexually charged or if I just want that kind of validation when I feel like this but there's also a connection there. It's usually in these periods when I start to reach out to people on the TMF and the like to see if there's someone around who'll want to have a chat with me. I don't really do it selfishly because a lot of the time I'm more than happy to continue talking with them when I get out of my little rut if the conversation is fulfilling. I don't even really talk to people with the intention of satisfying whatever sexual charge I have going on, I suppose it's enough for me to get the attention of someone who has that similar interest? I don't really know how it works.
When I'm out of these ruts, I don't feel like I need to pursue that kind of thing so I don't actively search it out. Not to say I'll turn people away if they reach out to me (although that's really never happened), I just don't feel like I need to find people in that capacity. I just go about my life and that's that. The "depression" periods last maybe 5-7 days and can be gone from anywhere between 2 weeks to multiple months these days (after a lot of introspection and sorting through some emotional stuff), before these periods could last for a month or two.
You didn't see it as I've edited this nonsense multiple times as I've been writing it, but I decided it was beyond just a "social" issue and more linked to my sexual interests/expression. I suppose it's possible that this is just sexual frustration that I can't really do anything with since I'm still single? If so, I can't help but be aware of the triviality of the whole thing lol.
Like I said at the beginning, this is just to get my thoughts out and I'd love to hear anyone else's opinions or experiences with this kind of thing. I assume I'll get a notification if someone comments on this so if there's questions or whatever I'd be happy to clarify stuff if it makes no sense.
If anyone actually read this, I wanna say thanks for the interest in my nonsense!
EDIT: I'm adding this afterwards since I feel like the whole thing became a bit too unfocused and I didn't really explain what it is I'm going through during these times. It's not like I just feel a little down or upset about my situation, it's the feeling of isolation and loneliness even though I'm surrounded with other people. I can have my family or friends 6 feet away from me but still feel like I'm on a desert island emotionally. If I don't have any commitments or things I have to go to, I have no motivation to do anything; I just try to distract my brain with trivial stuff. I end up staying up half of the night because my brain won't shut off. I just lay there going through all of the time I've wasted, things I regret doing, things I regret not doing in my head. Then I realize how pointless the whole situation is and then get frustrated at myself for falling into this all over again. It becomes a bit of a vicious cycle. It got a lot worse when I was out of school and wasn't working yet since I had nothing to really distract myself with or any way of really dealing with it. Working has helped a bit but I still find myself fixating on random stuff and falling back into these ruts here and there.
EDIT 2: I've had a few days off together so naturally I've sat around and pondered the state of my mental health lol. I realized that this issue might not actually be linked directly to sex or sexuality like I previously stated but in fact linked to the "affection" and (for lack of a better word) attention that comes with exploring that. I thought about the things that kind of break me out of these things and it's usually talking to people who genuinely care about me and make me feel "wanted", like my best friend or in some cases some of the fantastic women on this site who express an interest in tickling with me. To me, that expression of exploration in tickling is pretty potent and does quite a number for the old self esteem. Like I said previously in this ramble, I don't just go into things to get that immediate gratification and then bail, I do actually value the people that reach back and I've made some good friends out of it as a matter of fact.
To give a little background on myself, I'm a fairly introverted person. I have absolutely no problem talking with people and being social (a friend of mine who knows a lot about those 16 personality types has me pegged as "the most extroverted kind of introvert") but I do find it incredibly draining and I only want to have a small group of people who I consider myself close to. This usually leads to me keeping people at arms length and being pretty aware of where the relationship stands.
Since I was in high school, I've been going through these weird periods where I feel incredibly lonely and critical of myself. I'm not sure if it's the same thing as classic "depression" so I don't know what I should really call it. Anyway, I start feeling like I have no one to really reach out to and I'm kind of left in my own head where I just pick at all my shortcomings. I don't know if these periods come up because I'm feeling sexually charged or if I just want that kind of validation when I feel like this but there's also a connection there. It's usually in these periods when I start to reach out to people on the TMF and the like to see if there's someone around who'll want to have a chat with me. I don't really do it selfishly because a lot of the time I'm more than happy to continue talking with them when I get out of my little rut if the conversation is fulfilling. I don't even really talk to people with the intention of satisfying whatever sexual charge I have going on, I suppose it's enough for me to get the attention of someone who has that similar interest? I don't really know how it works.
When I'm out of these ruts, I don't feel like I need to pursue that kind of thing so I don't actively search it out. Not to say I'll turn people away if they reach out to me (although that's really never happened), I just don't feel like I need to find people in that capacity. I just go about my life and that's that. The "depression" periods last maybe 5-7 days and can be gone from anywhere between 2 weeks to multiple months these days (after a lot of introspection and sorting through some emotional stuff), before these periods could last for a month or two.
You didn't see it as I've edited this nonsense multiple times as I've been writing it, but I decided it was beyond just a "social" issue and more linked to my sexual interests/expression. I suppose it's possible that this is just sexual frustration that I can't really do anything with since I'm still single? If so, I can't help but be aware of the triviality of the whole thing lol.
Like I said at the beginning, this is just to get my thoughts out and I'd love to hear anyone else's opinions or experiences with this kind of thing. I assume I'll get a notification if someone comments on this so if there's questions or whatever I'd be happy to clarify stuff if it makes no sense.
If anyone actually read this, I wanna say thanks for the interest in my nonsense!
EDIT: I'm adding this afterwards since I feel like the whole thing became a bit too unfocused and I didn't really explain what it is I'm going through during these times. It's not like I just feel a little down or upset about my situation, it's the feeling of isolation and loneliness even though I'm surrounded with other people. I can have my family or friends 6 feet away from me but still feel like I'm on a desert island emotionally. If I don't have any commitments or things I have to go to, I have no motivation to do anything; I just try to distract my brain with trivial stuff. I end up staying up half of the night because my brain won't shut off. I just lay there going through all of the time I've wasted, things I regret doing, things I regret not doing in my head. Then I realize how pointless the whole situation is and then get frustrated at myself for falling into this all over again. It becomes a bit of a vicious cycle. It got a lot worse when I was out of school and wasn't working yet since I had nothing to really distract myself with or any way of really dealing with it. Working has helped a bit but I still find myself fixating on random stuff and falling back into these ruts here and there.
EDIT 2: I've had a few days off together so naturally I've sat around and pondered the state of my mental health lol. I realized that this issue might not actually be linked directly to sex or sexuality like I previously stated but in fact linked to the "affection" and (for lack of a better word) attention that comes with exploring that. I thought about the things that kind of break me out of these things and it's usually talking to people who genuinely care about me and make me feel "wanted", like my best friend or in some cases some of the fantastic women on this site who express an interest in tickling with me. To me, that expression of exploration in tickling is pretty potent and does quite a number for the old self esteem. Like I said previously in this ramble, I don't just go into things to get that immediate gratification and then bail, I do actually value the people that reach back and I've made some good friends out of it as a matter of fact.
