What I mentioned with Barney last night, seems trivial compared to what happened at breakfast this morning.
After seeing my father the other day, he came out today, where he made very clear that he didn't like the email I sent him, and wants me to tell him things to his face only. (I sent him the email, because very often I get upset when I;m with him, and cant think clearly)/ Now.. today.. he told me his true beliefs, that he and his family are innocent, in his view, and everything that happened to me, and between me, and him, is my fault and my mom's.
I told him: "Your family, Ira (My uncle), and Sandy (The cousin who insulted my mom right after my mom's funeral) would love to see my life go badly, so they can all say "Mitch is fucked up, and Sheila fucked him up". I also told him that I think the same holds true for him, that he really doesn't want to see me have a good life. so he can say the same thing. He asserts that such isn't true, but, I have no reason to believe him, because nowhere has he ever said "Mitch, I understand WHY you dislike these people, and don't want to see them". It's all.. how they feel, and how he feels.
His only "Anger" seems to be that my mom "lied" to him about her age. He keeps theorizing that my "birth problems" had to do with my mom being two years older than she told everyone.
Nowhere does he say "Mitch, I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for what my family did to you. I'm sorry that I didn't care about your future".
It all angers me, and makes me sick, but, I cant change his warped view. Everything that happened between he and I, our estrangement, and everything that happened to me, is, according to him, my fault and my mom's, and he and his family have no part or responsibility. This, after I've told him many times that I understand why he was upset that my mom used to contact him about the alimony, even though he sent it. I try to validate him about an important issue to him, but he doesn't validate me, ever.
So.. next week, I'm going to the DMV myself. Then he said I have to get "Any job", due to money. I know this. I also hope to find a way to get my business started.
All in all, it's a seeming constant battle with him, that probably will never change. I just have to accept it for what it is.
I'm hopeful that I don't get any nasty comments, as this is a personal area.
Let me be clear: I'm not saying that my problems are "All my father's fault". Nor am I saying that the problems in my relationship with him, or with his family, are all his fault. What I AM saying, is that he refuses to take any responsibility for his part in this whole matter, which is infuriating, even after I tell him what I feel my mom's and my roles have been.
What I plan to do is just try to avoid his family, and move forward with my own life. As for him, I just have to take it as it is. He doesn't feel about me as my mom did, and I don't feel about him as I did about my mom. I just have to accept things for what they are, and live life according to the hand I was dealt, as difficult as it is.
After seeing my father the other day, he came out today, where he made very clear that he didn't like the email I sent him, and wants me to tell him things to his face only. (I sent him the email, because very often I get upset when I;m with him, and cant think clearly)/ Now.. today.. he told me his true beliefs, that he and his family are innocent, in his view, and everything that happened to me, and between me, and him, is my fault and my mom's.
I told him: "Your family, Ira (My uncle), and Sandy (The cousin who insulted my mom right after my mom's funeral) would love to see my life go badly, so they can all say "Mitch is fucked up, and Sheila fucked him up". I also told him that I think the same holds true for him, that he really doesn't want to see me have a good life. so he can say the same thing. He asserts that such isn't true, but, I have no reason to believe him, because nowhere has he ever said "Mitch, I understand WHY you dislike these people, and don't want to see them". It's all.. how they feel, and how he feels.
His only "Anger" seems to be that my mom "lied" to him about her age. He keeps theorizing that my "birth problems" had to do with my mom being two years older than she told everyone.
Nowhere does he say "Mitch, I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for what my family did to you. I'm sorry that I didn't care about your future".
It all angers me, and makes me sick, but, I cant change his warped view. Everything that happened between he and I, our estrangement, and everything that happened to me, is, according to him, my fault and my mom's, and he and his family have no part or responsibility. This, after I've told him many times that I understand why he was upset that my mom used to contact him about the alimony, even though he sent it. I try to validate him about an important issue to him, but he doesn't validate me, ever.
So.. next week, I'm going to the DMV myself. Then he said I have to get "Any job", due to money. I know this. I also hope to find a way to get my business started.
All in all, it's a seeming constant battle with him, that probably will never change. I just have to accept it for what it is.
I'm hopeful that I don't get any nasty comments, as this is a personal area.
Let me be clear: I'm not saying that my problems are "All my father's fault". Nor am I saying that the problems in my relationship with him, or with his family, are all his fault. What I AM saying, is that he refuses to take any responsibility for his part in this whole matter, which is infuriating, even after I tell him what I feel my mom's and my roles have been.
What I plan to do is just try to avoid his family, and move forward with my own life. As for him, I just have to take it as it is. He doesn't feel about me as my mom did, and I don't feel about him as I did about my mom. I just have to accept things for what they are, and live life according to the hand I was dealt, as difficult as it is.
