A vent posted in the blog, that I'm again asking not to be attacked on. If anyone has anything constructive to say, then fine. If all it's going to be is "You suck, and you're a loser, Mitch", then please refrain, as I feel bad enough already.
While I know that it may seem "shallow" to judge a man's character by his financial status, or his job.. unfortunately, in our society, such is often true.
As everyone who knows me is aware.. I'm going to be 44 years old in January. I'm old.. with serious health issues. Seizures, High Blood Pressure, etc.
I think to myself: Why.. would anyone want to be with me? What do I have to offer.. as a boyfriend.. or.. potentially.. a husband.?
Oh, I know that I can be kind, and that I'm intelligent.. at least to a degree.
At my age. most people are established.. with children. Even if people have second marriages. they might have children with the first.. or a child with the second.
My father talks about my "Getting a job to survive, but whatever I do wont be the end game"
What lip service. At 44, do I have time to spend.. 25 years escalating up the ranks of a company? Can I spend time.. going to law school.. full time.. to get my law license.
My only hope.. is.
I will have to take the step of.. having (Whatever) job to survive.. but.. unless I can get the product I have in mind to market.. I'm fucked.
Girl in her.. 30s or 40s meets me. I'm making..
20 K a year, which is about what I figure I'll make if I work full time. Can I.. take her out nicely.. or.. do I have the money to pay the rent on my 1700 a month apartment?
When a girl.. 32 to 35.. meets me.. and sees my situation.. and she could have a younger.. more successful man.. why on earth would she choose me?
More news that makes me feel like shit.. and I'm sure to be attacked.,. and something I didn't know until last night.
This year.., at one point.. I ran out of the $$$ I had made from my sales, and such.. and I have other things I haven't been able to sell.. (My artwork). I told my dad to draw off the insurance money my mom left me until I got a job..
Last night,.. at dinner.. he told me that he has not be doing so.. and has been "giving" me money. the last.. however many months. It was at that point.. he said to me.. that I have to now "get a job".. or I'm fucked.. no apartment.. and no money. He claims I can start "part time".
So.. such is what I'm going to do.. Get whatever "job" I need to.. to be able to sustain myself.. at least somewhat.
As I may have mentioned before.. I approached my former company, Market America.,, about doing the business I want to do, and was ignored. Such was devastating to me.. Had they given me their support.. my business would have happened very quickly.,. and I would have not had any problem looking for a part time job. as.. I would have felt what I really wanted to do would have been in reach quickly, and I could have left whatever job I was at. . I don't know why they ignored me. Even though things didn't work as I'd hoped with them, I parted ways with them on good terms, and was still in touch for many years with my former business partners on Facebook. We used to send holiday cards, message each other on Facebook, and talk, so their lack of even a response was shocking, and very upsetting. They would have had the warewithal to back me with the product, and the marketing tool to turn it into a success, and yet, they didn't even want to listen.
Even with.. Maria.. who always puts herself down. "I'm stupid, and I'm a hostess in a restaurant". "A professional door person", she says about herself. She admits, how much she cares for me, and thinks how awesome a person I am.. Yet.. she is marrying.. another guy she cares for.. maybe not even as much.. why? He is a teacher, and makes a good living. With him, she has the option of quitting her job.. a circumstance she could not do if she married Mitch..
That guy she's marrying is the luckiest SOB on the planet. I don't care how "old" or "stupid" Maria thinks she is. She's a wonderful woman, and he';s going to be getting an awesome wife.
My father CLAIMS that if I suck it up, and take the low level job, that I invariably will have to do.. that he is going to help me find an investor, or marketing plan, to do my business.
I don't know if I believe him. I think that once I'm in the low level job, that will be the end of the story for him. He then wins completely. Sheila died. Mitch has no future. "Sheila fucked Mitch up. I, Alan, have no responsibility, and I can take Mitch's apartment and money away from him anytime I want".
He gives me lip service. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life". "You can turn this around very quickly". He tells me.
What I REALLY believe will happen..
Once I get the low level job. he will do nothing to help me with the business. and then pressure me how I have to find a wife.. because.. without a second income.. I wont be able to afford a place to live,, especially in this area. where things are so expensive.
He has.. a wife.. all the family and friends on his side.. his family and friends have treated Mitch like shit.. Mitch's life is nowhere.. he has Mitch by the balls..
His only concern, and regret.. which he said to me again last night for the umpteenth time.
That he didn't put my mom in the street.
It doesn't matter that she suffered and died of the worst disease.. or about all the business failures and heartbreak that she and I had.. or that her ex bf who loved both she and I, was a drunk, and died.
My father won the war.. and he still has only one regret.. that he didn't put his ex wife.. who died of the worst disease, in the street.
Even his son in law, who was a personal trainer.. is now living his dream. The guy got backers.. because he wanted to open his own fitness centers. He now has two. Good for him. He's very nice, and has a wife and two kids to support. He's also much younger than me,.
As I did with my reconciliation with my father's family, even though they fucked me (Something that doesn't bother him in the least, as he is their best friends, and takes his wraith out on me) I'm going to put my best foot forward,.. and play whatever hand I'm dealt. I personally hope that I don't find someone. if I cant achieve what I want. He already sent me an e-mail telling me what a worthless piece of shit he thinks I am, and how he has "achieved his success". Do I need a girl... with the complex emotions in such a relationship.,. telling me the same thing., if I cant get the business going that I want to? Isnt hearing it from him bad enough?
My grandfather..who was married to my grandmother for over 50 years.. lost his pizza oven business at age 65. He was also always a CPA, and practiced.. so he was able to get a good job after that. He used to like to drink.. and when my grandmother would get angry at him after his business closed.. she would call him a "Drunken failure". Something that used to kill me,, because, I idolized that man. He was an immigrant who came here with nothing, became a CPA, a business owner, and had three kids, and a grandson who adored him.
Do I want to be at a menial job.. and be with someone.. a girl.. where they could throw my lack of success in my face.., just like my father always does when he gets angry with me?
No.
My father can shove it if he wants me to find a "Fuck buddy". Not happening.
I would be premature. and negative.. to say "I'm finished" at 44, without trying the business I want..
If I do find someone.. I need it to be at a time when I feel good about myself.,. and not where I can have someone else to have things to use against me. I've learned.. when you have a weakness.. those who know it will use it against you.
I never get anything I want.
My mom died, I had many business failures.. Maria didn't want me. I couldn't get the sources to listen to me for my business.
Yet, just like I was with my father's family.. I'm going to be big, and brave, and do what I have to. to get by.
We'll see what happens, but.. unless I catch the break that I haven't up until now.. it is pure lip service on my father's part to think I will "Turn this around quickly", as he says. If I cant get an investor for my business. at age 44, it will take me a long time to turn it around, if ever.
One final comment about my concerns.
I used to talk to someone (A girl) who was aware of my business failures. At the time, I was selling antiques, and was looking for backers, to open an antiques mart, when I was living in Lancaster, something that could have given me a great income. Unfortunately, as with my other business tries, and heartbreaks, it didn't happen. Knowing that I had two business crashes in a short time, this person often called me a "Failure", and asked me if I "Was looking for a girl to live off". I had business failures, yes, which were not all my fault. As for their accusation of my "looking for someone to live off, definitely not. I told this person that if we did get involved, I would take a menial job so they would never think I was looking to live off them. I was also ten years younger then.
Such proves my point, of why I would never feel comfortable getting involved, unless I felt good about myself, and had the business success or position I want. I wouldn't want that to be thrown in my face again.. or.. even with a nice woman like Maria, where someone would tell me they were marrying another guy, even though they really wanted to be with me, because the other guy had financial security, and I don't.
While I know that it may seem "shallow" to judge a man's character by his financial status, or his job.. unfortunately, in our society, such is often true.
As everyone who knows me is aware.. I'm going to be 44 years old in January. I'm old.. with serious health issues. Seizures, High Blood Pressure, etc.
I think to myself: Why.. would anyone want to be with me? What do I have to offer.. as a boyfriend.. or.. potentially.. a husband.?
Oh, I know that I can be kind, and that I'm intelligent.. at least to a degree.
At my age. most people are established.. with children. Even if people have second marriages. they might have children with the first.. or a child with the second.
My father talks about my "Getting a job to survive, but whatever I do wont be the end game"
What lip service. At 44, do I have time to spend.. 25 years escalating up the ranks of a company? Can I spend time.. going to law school.. full time.. to get my law license.
My only hope.. is.
I will have to take the step of.. having (Whatever) job to survive.. but.. unless I can get the product I have in mind to market.. I'm fucked.
Girl in her.. 30s or 40s meets me. I'm making..
20 K a year, which is about what I figure I'll make if I work full time. Can I.. take her out nicely.. or.. do I have the money to pay the rent on my 1700 a month apartment?
When a girl.. 32 to 35.. meets me.. and sees my situation.. and she could have a younger.. more successful man.. why on earth would she choose me?
More news that makes me feel like shit.. and I'm sure to be attacked.,. and something I didn't know until last night.
This year.., at one point.. I ran out of the $$$ I had made from my sales, and such.. and I have other things I haven't been able to sell.. (My artwork). I told my dad to draw off the insurance money my mom left me until I got a job..
Last night,.. at dinner.. he told me that he has not be doing so.. and has been "giving" me money. the last.. however many months. It was at that point.. he said to me.. that I have to now "get a job".. or I'm fucked.. no apartment.. and no money. He claims I can start "part time".
So.. such is what I'm going to do.. Get whatever "job" I need to.. to be able to sustain myself.. at least somewhat.
As I may have mentioned before.. I approached my former company, Market America.,, about doing the business I want to do, and was ignored. Such was devastating to me.. Had they given me their support.. my business would have happened very quickly.,. and I would have not had any problem looking for a part time job. as.. I would have felt what I really wanted to do would have been in reach quickly, and I could have left whatever job I was at. . I don't know why they ignored me. Even though things didn't work as I'd hoped with them, I parted ways with them on good terms, and was still in touch for many years with my former business partners on Facebook. We used to send holiday cards, message each other on Facebook, and talk, so their lack of even a response was shocking, and very upsetting. They would have had the warewithal to back me with the product, and the marketing tool to turn it into a success, and yet, they didn't even want to listen.
Even with.. Maria.. who always puts herself down. "I'm stupid, and I'm a hostess in a restaurant". "A professional door person", she says about herself. She admits, how much she cares for me, and thinks how awesome a person I am.. Yet.. she is marrying.. another guy she cares for.. maybe not even as much.. why? He is a teacher, and makes a good living. With him, she has the option of quitting her job.. a circumstance she could not do if she married Mitch..
That guy she's marrying is the luckiest SOB on the planet. I don't care how "old" or "stupid" Maria thinks she is. She's a wonderful woman, and he';s going to be getting an awesome wife.
My father CLAIMS that if I suck it up, and take the low level job, that I invariably will have to do.. that he is going to help me find an investor, or marketing plan, to do my business.
I don't know if I believe him. I think that once I'm in the low level job, that will be the end of the story for him. He then wins completely. Sheila died. Mitch has no future. "Sheila fucked Mitch up. I, Alan, have no responsibility, and I can take Mitch's apartment and money away from him anytime I want".
He gives me lip service. "Today is the first day of the rest of your life". "You can turn this around very quickly". He tells me.
What I REALLY believe will happen..
Once I get the low level job. he will do nothing to help me with the business. and then pressure me how I have to find a wife.. because.. without a second income.. I wont be able to afford a place to live,, especially in this area. where things are so expensive.
He has.. a wife.. all the family and friends on his side.. his family and friends have treated Mitch like shit.. Mitch's life is nowhere.. he has Mitch by the balls..
His only concern, and regret.. which he said to me again last night for the umpteenth time.
That he didn't put my mom in the street.
It doesn't matter that she suffered and died of the worst disease.. or about all the business failures and heartbreak that she and I had.. or that her ex bf who loved both she and I, was a drunk, and died.
My father won the war.. and he still has only one regret.. that he didn't put his ex wife.. who died of the worst disease, in the street.
Even his son in law, who was a personal trainer.. is now living his dream. The guy got backers.. because he wanted to open his own fitness centers. He now has two. Good for him. He's very nice, and has a wife and two kids to support. He's also much younger than me,.
As I did with my reconciliation with my father's family, even though they fucked me (Something that doesn't bother him in the least, as he is their best friends, and takes his wraith out on me) I'm going to put my best foot forward,.. and play whatever hand I'm dealt. I personally hope that I don't find someone. if I cant achieve what I want. He already sent me an e-mail telling me what a worthless piece of shit he thinks I am, and how he has "achieved his success". Do I need a girl... with the complex emotions in such a relationship.,. telling me the same thing., if I cant get the business going that I want to? Isnt hearing it from him bad enough?
My grandfather..who was married to my grandmother for over 50 years.. lost his pizza oven business at age 65. He was also always a CPA, and practiced.. so he was able to get a good job after that. He used to like to drink.. and when my grandmother would get angry at him after his business closed.. she would call him a "Drunken failure". Something that used to kill me,, because, I idolized that man. He was an immigrant who came here with nothing, became a CPA, a business owner, and had three kids, and a grandson who adored him.
Do I want to be at a menial job.. and be with someone.. a girl.. where they could throw my lack of success in my face.., just like my father always does when he gets angry with me?
No.
My father can shove it if he wants me to find a "Fuck buddy". Not happening.
I would be premature. and negative.. to say "I'm finished" at 44, without trying the business I want..
If I do find someone.. I need it to be at a time when I feel good about myself.,. and not where I can have someone else to have things to use against me. I've learned.. when you have a weakness.. those who know it will use it against you.
I never get anything I want.
My mom died, I had many business failures.. Maria didn't want me. I couldn't get the sources to listen to me for my business.
Yet, just like I was with my father's family.. I'm going to be big, and brave, and do what I have to. to get by.
We'll see what happens, but.. unless I catch the break that I haven't up until now.. it is pure lip service on my father's part to think I will "Turn this around quickly", as he says. If I cant get an investor for my business. at age 44, it will take me a long time to turn it around, if ever.
One final comment about my concerns.
I used to talk to someone (A girl) who was aware of my business failures. At the time, I was selling antiques, and was looking for backers, to open an antiques mart, when I was living in Lancaster, something that could have given me a great income. Unfortunately, as with my other business tries, and heartbreaks, it didn't happen. Knowing that I had two business crashes in a short time, this person often called me a "Failure", and asked me if I "Was looking for a girl to live off". I had business failures, yes, which were not all my fault. As for their accusation of my "looking for someone to live off, definitely not. I told this person that if we did get involved, I would take a menial job so they would never think I was looking to live off them. I was also ten years younger then.
Such proves my point, of why I would never feel comfortable getting involved, unless I felt good about myself, and had the business success or position I want. I wouldn't want that to be thrown in my face again.. or.. even with a nice woman like Maria, where someone would tell me they were marrying another guy, even though they really wanted to be with me, because the other guy had financial security, and I don't.
