Blog rant, about my father..but I've been told I likely cant get hurt if I post it here.
All I heard from this Son of a Bitch, since my parents split up, is "He wanted a complete life". He created this family with other people, before ironing out his relationship with me. Then, due to circumstance... my mom's holding me back, and my own bad luck, and lack of motivation at certain times,. I'm forced to be civil to people. (His wife, his brother, his cousins) whom his and my estrangement was acceptable to. and who didn't give a fuck if I was living or breathing for 20 years.
He ranted yesterday about the extra money he sent my mom to go to NJ for her cancer treatment, but, the fuck didn't discuss the horrid letter he sent her, shortly after she almost died while there, and shortly after I suffered a seizure, which almost killed me, and never even inquired at that time about my condition. That he didn't mention. That was his "Right".
I made it a vow. before I walked into his apartment to meet his wife, on the day my mom was buried, that I was not going to mention a word about the hurts of the past to either him.. or anyone in his family. Such would cause bad feelings to be had against me, and would leave me open for attack. I have absolutely lived up to that. I haven't said a word to Cheryl, or anyone in his family, about anything they did to me in the past. My anger at them is how they treat me now. It's my father who doesn't live up to that motto. "One more comment about Sheila". Sheila is dead, you miserable prick, leave it alone already,. She cant call me, or see me, to tell me to tell you to go fuck yourself. He knows it cuts my heart out, and he does it anyway. Quite simply, when he does it, if he was worth the penalty I'd receive, I feel like beating the hell out of him. He keeps talking about how he is sorry he didn't stop paying alimony, and put her in the street. She's DEAD, you sewer rat, DEAD. You stood over her grave with me.
I had always thought during my two decade long estrangement from him, that his anger at me, was because I wasn't seeing Cheryl, or the previous women in his life before her. My mom, may she rest, said it best. My mom said "He hates your guts, Mitch. He'll abuse you even if you see these people". Turns out her prediction is right. His anger at me has nothing to do with me having a "job". Even if I got one tomorrow, and worked at a minimum wage job for the rest of my life, and never had the chance to be an insurance agent again, he would still go off on me over something else.
Yesterday, he was talking to me like a five year old. "Sit up straight", and was even telling me how to cut my salad! I'm a very "mannerly person". Maybe I was slumping, or had my head in my hands, from being tired of listening to his constant ranting. Those who think "He talks to you like a five year old, because you act like a five year old". Be in my shoes, and see how it feels.
If I ever caught a break, and made a lot of money, from a client that wasn't his, the following would happen.
I would pay him off every last penny he laid out for me, sit him down, and tell him to make me a list of the pros and cons of why he and I should stay together. Chances are, there are very few reasons he and I should be together, except that I need him to pay my rent now.
He doesn't love me. This isn't love. I wanted to love him. I've wanted to love him from the time he was abusing me when I was a young boy. His abuse has taken that love out of me.
Mark my word. I get a part time job, keep Aflac, make money, etc,.. his abuse will continue. I lose Aflac.. have a full time minimum wage job.. have to be at his mercy where he, and all his cronies in his family, can have their ways with me, the abuse will continue.
I have wonderful memories of my mom. Such is why I miss her so much, have a real hole and void in my heart, and feel so guilty about how I treated her during her stay for the cancer treatment in NJ. If "God" is now punishing me for that, such is why I say, if he took me, it would be better than this.
If I was self sufficient, and could pay my father off, I think of how I would feel if he passed away. My true feeling.. It would be the same reaction I had when he told me my paternal grandmother who I hadn't seen in 17 years had died. Sadness, about why the relationship wasn't better, but nowhere near the void it is with my mom. Sometimes, especially when things are bad with work.. and with my father.. I just wish I could call mom.. or talk to her, even for a minute.
I have to suck it up, and deal with it. I have to see the SOB this week, to pick up meds, and my resume.. It would be nice if after that, I could avoid him until Thanksgiving. He saw me three times between Oct 4, and yesterday, which is far too much to see him every week. I hope.. to be able to take a hiatus from him. He says he;'s going to FL again for the greater part of three months this winter. I know he;'ll probably come back and forth every two weeks like he did last winter. I look forward to when he leaves.
All I heard from this Son of a Bitch, since my parents split up, is "He wanted a complete life". He created this family with other people, before ironing out his relationship with me. Then, due to circumstance... my mom's holding me back, and my own bad luck, and lack of motivation at certain times,. I'm forced to be civil to people. (His wife, his brother, his cousins) whom his and my estrangement was acceptable to. and who didn't give a fuck if I was living or breathing for 20 years.
He ranted yesterday about the extra money he sent my mom to go to NJ for her cancer treatment, but, the fuck didn't discuss the horrid letter he sent her, shortly after she almost died while there, and shortly after I suffered a seizure, which almost killed me, and never even inquired at that time about my condition. That he didn't mention. That was his "Right".
I made it a vow. before I walked into his apartment to meet his wife, on the day my mom was buried, that I was not going to mention a word about the hurts of the past to either him.. or anyone in his family. Such would cause bad feelings to be had against me, and would leave me open for attack. I have absolutely lived up to that. I haven't said a word to Cheryl, or anyone in his family, about anything they did to me in the past. My anger at them is how they treat me now. It's my father who doesn't live up to that motto. "One more comment about Sheila". Sheila is dead, you miserable prick, leave it alone already,. She cant call me, or see me, to tell me to tell you to go fuck yourself. He knows it cuts my heart out, and he does it anyway. Quite simply, when he does it, if he was worth the penalty I'd receive, I feel like beating the hell out of him. He keeps talking about how he is sorry he didn't stop paying alimony, and put her in the street. She's DEAD, you sewer rat, DEAD. You stood over her grave with me.
I had always thought during my two decade long estrangement from him, that his anger at me, was because I wasn't seeing Cheryl, or the previous women in his life before her. My mom, may she rest, said it best. My mom said "He hates your guts, Mitch. He'll abuse you even if you see these people". Turns out her prediction is right. His anger at me has nothing to do with me having a "job". Even if I got one tomorrow, and worked at a minimum wage job for the rest of my life, and never had the chance to be an insurance agent again, he would still go off on me over something else.
Yesterday, he was talking to me like a five year old. "Sit up straight", and was even telling me how to cut my salad! I'm a very "mannerly person". Maybe I was slumping, or had my head in my hands, from being tired of listening to his constant ranting. Those who think "He talks to you like a five year old, because you act like a five year old". Be in my shoes, and see how it feels.
If I ever caught a break, and made a lot of money, from a client that wasn't his, the following would happen.
I would pay him off every last penny he laid out for me, sit him down, and tell him to make me a list of the pros and cons of why he and I should stay together. Chances are, there are very few reasons he and I should be together, except that I need him to pay my rent now.
He doesn't love me. This isn't love. I wanted to love him. I've wanted to love him from the time he was abusing me when I was a young boy. His abuse has taken that love out of me.
Mark my word. I get a part time job, keep Aflac, make money, etc,.. his abuse will continue. I lose Aflac.. have a full time minimum wage job.. have to be at his mercy where he, and all his cronies in his family, can have their ways with me, the abuse will continue.
I have wonderful memories of my mom. Such is why I miss her so much, have a real hole and void in my heart, and feel so guilty about how I treated her during her stay for the cancer treatment in NJ. If "God" is now punishing me for that, such is why I say, if he took me, it would be better than this.
If I was self sufficient, and could pay my father off, I think of how I would feel if he passed away. My true feeling.. It would be the same reaction I had when he told me my paternal grandmother who I hadn't seen in 17 years had died. Sadness, about why the relationship wasn't better, but nowhere near the void it is with my mom. Sometimes, especially when things are bad with work.. and with my father.. I just wish I could call mom.. or talk to her, even for a minute.
I have to suck it up, and deal with it. I have to see the SOB this week, to pick up meds, and my resume.. It would be nice if after that, I could avoid him until Thanksgiving. He saw me three times between Oct 4, and yesterday, which is far too much to see him every week. I hope.. to be able to take a hiatus from him. He says he;'s going to FL again for the greater part of three months this winter. I know he;'ll probably come back and forth every two weeks like he did last winter. I look forward to when he leaves.
