I don't want to say this is the worst time of my life. That would be overstating it.. The worst time of my life.. were the four months between the time I found out my mom had a fatal brain tumor, when she died, and the months right after, when I was alone in the apartment I shared with her for thirteen years. This, however, seems to be a pretty close second.
To be clear.. I am absolutely not sitting dormant. As I committed, I took one week off to clear my head after leaving Aflac, and now have my name on lists for jobs, both permanent, and temp. I know this may be a bad week due to the holiday.
I would say.. that.. from a personal standpoint.. I feel as downhearted now, as I did during the four months between the time I found out my mom had the fatal brain tumor, and the time I left Lancaster.
My dad said to me this past Sunday. "You accomplished something".
What that is, I don't know
I passed an insurance exam., and worked at Aflac for fourteen months?
I resigned three weeks ago, to avoid being fired at the end of the year.
My father always likes to talk about "What happens at the end of the day". This is so true.. While losing one's job is obviously not the same thing as watching the person you loved the most in the world die of brain cancer. I keep thinking. "Does it really matter that three Thanksgivings ago, in 2011, mom and I were euphoric because we thought she was cancer free, and we thought we had many more years left together. "
All that matters, is what happened Feb 12-13 2012, when I was told she had a brain tumor that would be fatal, and what happened April 4, 2012, the morning she died with me next to her, and I kissed her goodbye after she passed away.
At first, I had said I was going to the family Thanksgiving parties this Thursday and Saturday. I'm feeling so badly, that I really don't want to go. Simply put, Cheryl, and my cousins, were less than supportive when I passed the insurance exam and was working at Aflac. Cheryl, instead of wishing me well on working at Aflac, said "If it doesn't work, you'll get a job". A comment that was cruel, uncalled for, and which I haven't forgotten. I don't delude myself to believe that this woman cares if I'm living or dead, as evidenced by that comment, and also that she married my dad when he and I were estranged. I think she either should have wished me well, or kept her mouth shut. It infuriates me that she got her wish. Am I supposed to say that for that comment, I wish my dad and her would get a divorce? I just want her to stop causing trouble for me. I really also don't want to hear her opinions, as I don't give a fuck what she thinks. When I told my dad on Sunday that I'm sure there are a lot of people, especially my uncle, who are happy that Aflac didn't work out for me, he annoyingly told me that's not the case. Right.
Maybe I'm negative, but.. I just feel that bad things are going to continue to happen. I know that I'm going to have to move out of this apartment.. probably as soon as next May when my lease is up, unless a miracle happens. My dad already eluded to that on Sunday.. He said something like "You're not going to be homeless". I didn't think he should have brought it up at that time, but I understand. He says he wants to cut back on his work. More than likely,, its simply.. "I gave Mitchell three years, he couldn't do it himself , so he hasn't earned the right to live where he is". There are less expensive places in Forest Hills, or surrounding towns, without some of the things they have in the place I live. I hope that is where I end up. There are also places in other much less safe neighborhoods. I hope to be able to contribute.. at least something, so I don't end up there. That would be something that would upset me, after the blow of losing Aflac.
The only hope I really do have,, is to do something with the business I have the trademark on. I have to sit down and talk to him about that.
My favorite one is how my aunt the artist tells me to find a partner, and that it would help me take my mind off my work problems. Er.. no, no way, no how, not happening. Simply put, I have enough people in my life who tell me I suck. It wouldn't matter if she was nice, or ticklish, or let me play with her feet, or stood barefoot on a ladder, or played tickle bandit games with me. It's not fair to me, or to the girl. If I had signed the clients I had hoped, and stayed at Aflac, I was planning to look for someone immediately. Those plans have been shelved, indefinitely.
I don't know what happens next. I'll find a temp job, eventually. Beyond that, its anyone's guess.
To be clear.. I am absolutely not sitting dormant. As I committed, I took one week off to clear my head after leaving Aflac, and now have my name on lists for jobs, both permanent, and temp. I know this may be a bad week due to the holiday.
I would say.. that.. from a personal standpoint.. I feel as downhearted now, as I did during the four months between the time I found out my mom had the fatal brain tumor, and the time I left Lancaster.
My dad said to me this past Sunday. "You accomplished something".
What that is, I don't know
I passed an insurance exam., and worked at Aflac for fourteen months?
I resigned three weeks ago, to avoid being fired at the end of the year.
My father always likes to talk about "What happens at the end of the day". This is so true.. While losing one's job is obviously not the same thing as watching the person you loved the most in the world die of brain cancer. I keep thinking. "Does it really matter that three Thanksgivings ago, in 2011, mom and I were euphoric because we thought she was cancer free, and we thought we had many more years left together. "
All that matters, is what happened Feb 12-13 2012, when I was told she had a brain tumor that would be fatal, and what happened April 4, 2012, the morning she died with me next to her, and I kissed her goodbye after she passed away.
At first, I had said I was going to the family Thanksgiving parties this Thursday and Saturday. I'm feeling so badly, that I really don't want to go. Simply put, Cheryl, and my cousins, were less than supportive when I passed the insurance exam and was working at Aflac. Cheryl, instead of wishing me well on working at Aflac, said "If it doesn't work, you'll get a job". A comment that was cruel, uncalled for, and which I haven't forgotten. I don't delude myself to believe that this woman cares if I'm living or dead, as evidenced by that comment, and also that she married my dad when he and I were estranged. I think she either should have wished me well, or kept her mouth shut. It infuriates me that she got her wish. Am I supposed to say that for that comment, I wish my dad and her would get a divorce? I just want her to stop causing trouble for me. I really also don't want to hear her opinions, as I don't give a fuck what she thinks. When I told my dad on Sunday that I'm sure there are a lot of people, especially my uncle, who are happy that Aflac didn't work out for me, he annoyingly told me that's not the case. Right.
Maybe I'm negative, but.. I just feel that bad things are going to continue to happen. I know that I'm going to have to move out of this apartment.. probably as soon as next May when my lease is up, unless a miracle happens. My dad already eluded to that on Sunday.. He said something like "You're not going to be homeless". I didn't think he should have brought it up at that time, but I understand. He says he wants to cut back on his work. More than likely,, its simply.. "I gave Mitchell three years, he couldn't do it himself , so he hasn't earned the right to live where he is". There are less expensive places in Forest Hills, or surrounding towns, without some of the things they have in the place I live. I hope that is where I end up. There are also places in other much less safe neighborhoods. I hope to be able to contribute.. at least something, so I don't end up there. That would be something that would upset me, after the blow of losing Aflac.
The only hope I really do have,, is to do something with the business I have the trademark on. I have to sit down and talk to him about that.
My favorite one is how my aunt the artist tells me to find a partner, and that it would help me take my mind off my work problems. Er.. no, no way, no how, not happening. Simply put, I have enough people in my life who tell me I suck. It wouldn't matter if she was nice, or ticklish, or let me play with her feet, or stood barefoot on a ladder, or played tickle bandit games with me. It's not fair to me, or to the girl. If I had signed the clients I had hoped, and stayed at Aflac, I was planning to look for someone immediately. Those plans have been shelved, indefinitely.
I don't know what happens next. I'll find a temp job, eventually. Beyond that, its anyone's guess.
