So, I've decided that it's about time for this bullshit to end. It's run its course, and now I'm ready for it to be over.
My Christmas was really nice - better than I thought it was going to be, and when I sat down to try and figure out why I realized that it was because I was surrounded by awesome, and it made me morph back into my old self. And that's when I realized that the sad, whiny, self-pitying thing I've been lately is so not me. I'm not a sad person. I'm not an angry person or a jealous person. I don't have pity parties for myself, and I don't throw temper tantrums when I can't have what I want. So why continue to be someone I'm not?
I'm a happy person. I'm a person who loves to laugh. I'm sincere and honest. I'm passionate and when I feel things I feel them with my whole heart. This is exhilarating when I'm feeling good things and agonizing when I'm feeling bad things - it's like I'm on emotional shrooms 24/7
But I'm glad. It beats the hell out of feeling a colorless, dulled down version of everything. I love my friends and family, and I want only what's best for them - even if that doesn't necessarily match up with what I think is best for me.
So, I'm sure I'll have a few more days sprinkled throughout where I'm not feeling so fantastical, and I'm sure there will still be nights that I drive for an hour listening to my Pathetically Emo 2009 CD I made for just those occasions when I need to turn it up, sing as loud as I can, then come home and cry, and times when I hang up the phone and say WHAT! THE! FUCK!, because no matter what I do or say, even a control freak like me (yeah - control freak - who woulda guessed? 😛) can't change the circumstances (not that I'd want to be responsible for them changing...if that makes any sense at all...), and I certainly will never be able to change how I feel, even if I wanted to (believe me, I tried - ain't happening - and to be honest, I really don't want to.) All I can change is how I react to them. How I feel feels good - it's how I've been reacting to feelings + the circumstances that feels like shit.
So basically, this is just a big huge thank you to everyone who has been there for me - allowed me vent, cry, be frustrated and confused - thanks for helping me make it all make sense. Gin, Amanda, Krystle, Marquis, Michael -- you've all been amazing. Your patience and selflessness did not go unnoticed, and I appreciate it so, so much. Love you guys tons
My Christmas was really nice - better than I thought it was going to be, and when I sat down to try and figure out why I realized that it was because I was surrounded by awesome, and it made me morph back into my old self. And that's when I realized that the sad, whiny, self-pitying thing I've been lately is so not me. I'm not a sad person. I'm not an angry person or a jealous person. I don't have pity parties for myself, and I don't throw temper tantrums when I can't have what I want. So why continue to be someone I'm not?
I'm a happy person. I'm a person who loves to laugh. I'm sincere and honest. I'm passionate and when I feel things I feel them with my whole heart. This is exhilarating when I'm feeling good things and agonizing when I'm feeling bad things - it's like I'm on emotional shrooms 24/7
But I'm glad. It beats the hell out of feeling a colorless, dulled down version of everything. I love my friends and family, and I want only what's best for them - even if that doesn't necessarily match up with what I think is best for me.So, I'm sure I'll have a few more days sprinkled throughout where I'm not feeling so fantastical, and I'm sure there will still be nights that I drive for an hour listening to my Pathetically Emo 2009 CD I made for just those occasions when I need to turn it up, sing as loud as I can, then come home and cry, and times when I hang up the phone and say WHAT! THE! FUCK!, because no matter what I do or say, even a control freak like me (yeah - control freak - who woulda guessed? 😛) can't change the circumstances (not that I'd want to be responsible for them changing...if that makes any sense at all...), and I certainly will never be able to change how I feel, even if I wanted to (believe me, I tried - ain't happening - and to be honest, I really don't want to.) All I can change is how I react to them. How I feel feels good - it's how I've been reacting to feelings + the circumstances that feels like shit.
So basically, this is just a big huge thank you to everyone who has been there for me - allowed me vent, cry, be frustrated and confused - thanks for helping me make it all make sense. Gin, Amanda, Krystle, Marquis, Michael -- you've all been amazing. Your patience and selflessness did not go unnoticed, and I appreciate it so, so much. Love you guys tons
