This isn't going to be a rant against anyone in the forum, or to take issue with anyone..either member or mods. Stating that up front.
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past 24 hours.. about why.. especially recently.. recent months, weeks, I've been making/responding to, posts in the main forum that are troublesome. A professor I once had said "If you dont know why, you dont know anything".
This has nothing to do with "Age".. or "Maturity", as some on here have accused me of. People who are the "Oldest", and "Most Mature" people in the world, do ill advised things.
Quite simply.. it has to do with .. for the first time.. that a really terrible thing happened to me, with the loss of my situation at Aflac, there is a void in my real life.. of who I can talk to about it. In the past, if I had...a business setback, educational problem, conflict with my other relatives, etc, etc, my mom was always there, even when I wasn't in therapy. Now, she's gone.
Thus.,,. I made ill advised, stupid threads in the main forum, that got pounced on, and brought to the front of the page, causing a reaction in me, that was more overreaction, then if what was happening in my real life wasnt happening.
While I've been reluctant to post anything personal anywhere, I am going to write this one thing.. to show just.. how.. in addition to losing Aflac, the futile job search, other business roadblocks, etc. The situation with my relatives, really causes me to feel this void, and thus, make stupid posts.
My father has largely been avoiding me lately. (All my fault, according to him, of course).
As if his blaming me for every problem in our relationship, acting as if he has all the rights, and I have no rights, and his ranting on about my dead mother, is all my fault.
Just yesterday.. I saw him for the first time.. in .. two months.. for a minute.
He lashed into me, the details of which I;m not going to get into.
I will say, that what infuriated me the most.. is how when I told him how really upset I am about losing the situation at Aflac, and my concern over how to replace it, he told me that my losing Aflac "Doesnt matter". Only what he feels, his outbursts at me, and his rants about dead people, are what "matters"
Such caused me to walk out, and him to request another hiatus from me.
Of course, he can rant on about anything, but I can have no reaction to anything he says.
Look at my actions: When I came out of my one year depression after my mom's death: What did I do? Did I go for "The easy job", with the intent of "Oh, Dad, can just make up the difference".
No, I took an offer in a completely unfamiliar field, and passed a professional licensing exam, with the intent/hope that I would make good money, and be free of him ASAP.
My aunt then compounded it, by saying "I have to forget about it". My feelings about losing Aflac, the futile job search, and his outbursts, and ignoring me. As long as she can go on, and not "Forget about", what is important to her.
If my mom had still been alive.. it would have been..
"Mitch, you had a terrible thing happen to you, and you've been through a very terrible time the past five months. Dont worry about what these people, your other relatives, say or think, dont talk to them about it, we'lll deal with it together".
Think about my life for a second.
Any serious issue, medical, work, financial, conflict with family, etc etc. My mom and I faced it together.
Now, she';s not here, and I dont have the family advocates I once did.
Thus, I made ill advised posts/threads here.
I'm not going to do that in the main forum anymore.
A forum member who has been very helpful to me. Not saying who of course. This person knows who they are, and I appreciate their advice, help, and time spent talking to me.
When I';ve made my stupid posts in the main forum, this person has been honest with me, about my mistakes, in a way/manner that has been helpful. They told me I was wrong in a firm, but kind and civil way, that made my mistakes understandable.
Yet, this person also understands my ongoing frustration with my family, and can understand why I feel as I do.
So, like I said before.
No more rants are going on the main forum, and i'm just going to have to swallow it when someone drags up an old thread that pisses me off. Crystal Liight's advice is the right one I know.
If I post something in the blog.. while I realize it might get reacted to in a way that I might not like, I also want people to realize that.. perhaps, I'm just venting, because I have no one in real life to talk to.
Hopefully, if it's down here, in a contained area, it would get the negative reaction or such that it would if I put a big thread in the main forum in big capitals.
Dad Pissed Me Off Today,.
To put into perspective..
On the day before I resigned from Aflac, November 3, 2014, he caused me to walk out on him, when he again demonstrated no understanding about the difficult decision I was facing.
Unlike me, who has admitted mistakes to him,that both my mom and I did to him, emotionally, and financially, he has never said.
:Gee, Mitch, I know it's a difficult time for you now., I;'m sorry I hurt your feelings. Let';s talk about this/work on this. ".
It is always.
"He (Dad) has rights, Mitch has no rights. Nothing that is wrong in our relationship is his fault, and I should "Look In The Mirror".
Simply put, because he doesnt give a fuck.
He has all of his "Yes people" who tell him exactly what he wants to hear, and that everything is all my fault.,
Even if I "Grow up", as some on here say, and he helps me not as much, or not at all, he will still find something to rip me to shreds about.
I'm going to have to take a deep breath, absorb the serious blows I've suffered in the past five months, and just work on moving forward.
This is the God's honest truth as I see it..
That's all
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past 24 hours.. about why.. especially recently.. recent months, weeks, I've been making/responding to, posts in the main forum that are troublesome. A professor I once had said "If you dont know why, you dont know anything".
This has nothing to do with "Age".. or "Maturity", as some on here have accused me of. People who are the "Oldest", and "Most Mature" people in the world, do ill advised things.
Quite simply.. it has to do with .. for the first time.. that a really terrible thing happened to me, with the loss of my situation at Aflac, there is a void in my real life.. of who I can talk to about it. In the past, if I had...a business setback, educational problem, conflict with my other relatives, etc, etc, my mom was always there, even when I wasn't in therapy. Now, she's gone.
Thus.,,. I made ill advised, stupid threads in the main forum, that got pounced on, and brought to the front of the page, causing a reaction in me, that was more overreaction, then if what was happening in my real life wasnt happening.
While I've been reluctant to post anything personal anywhere, I am going to write this one thing.. to show just.. how.. in addition to losing Aflac, the futile job search, other business roadblocks, etc. The situation with my relatives, really causes me to feel this void, and thus, make stupid posts.
My father has largely been avoiding me lately. (All my fault, according to him, of course).
As if his blaming me for every problem in our relationship, acting as if he has all the rights, and I have no rights, and his ranting on about my dead mother, is all my fault.
Just yesterday.. I saw him for the first time.. in .. two months.. for a minute.
He lashed into me, the details of which I;m not going to get into.
I will say, that what infuriated me the most.. is how when I told him how really upset I am about losing the situation at Aflac, and my concern over how to replace it, he told me that my losing Aflac "Doesnt matter". Only what he feels, his outbursts at me, and his rants about dead people, are what "matters"
Such caused me to walk out, and him to request another hiatus from me.
Of course, he can rant on about anything, but I can have no reaction to anything he says.
Look at my actions: When I came out of my one year depression after my mom's death: What did I do? Did I go for "The easy job", with the intent of "Oh, Dad, can just make up the difference".
No, I took an offer in a completely unfamiliar field, and passed a professional licensing exam, with the intent/hope that I would make good money, and be free of him ASAP.
My aunt then compounded it, by saying "I have to forget about it". My feelings about losing Aflac, the futile job search, and his outbursts, and ignoring me. As long as she can go on, and not "Forget about", what is important to her.
If my mom had still been alive.. it would have been..
"Mitch, you had a terrible thing happen to you, and you've been through a very terrible time the past five months. Dont worry about what these people, your other relatives, say or think, dont talk to them about it, we'lll deal with it together".
Think about my life for a second.
Any serious issue, medical, work, financial, conflict with family, etc etc. My mom and I faced it together.
Now, she';s not here, and I dont have the family advocates I once did.
Thus, I made ill advised posts/threads here.
I'm not going to do that in the main forum anymore.
A forum member who has been very helpful to me. Not saying who of course. This person knows who they are, and I appreciate their advice, help, and time spent talking to me.
When I';ve made my stupid posts in the main forum, this person has been honest with me, about my mistakes, in a way/manner that has been helpful. They told me I was wrong in a firm, but kind and civil way, that made my mistakes understandable.
Yet, this person also understands my ongoing frustration with my family, and can understand why I feel as I do.
So, like I said before.
No more rants are going on the main forum, and i'm just going to have to swallow it when someone drags up an old thread that pisses me off. Crystal Liight's advice is the right one I know.
If I post something in the blog.. while I realize it might get reacted to in a way that I might not like, I also want people to realize that.. perhaps, I'm just venting, because I have no one in real life to talk to.
Hopefully, if it's down here, in a contained area, it would get the negative reaction or such that it would if I put a big thread in the main forum in big capitals.
Dad Pissed Me Off Today,.
To put into perspective..
On the day before I resigned from Aflac, November 3, 2014, he caused me to walk out on him, when he again demonstrated no understanding about the difficult decision I was facing.
Unlike me, who has admitted mistakes to him,that both my mom and I did to him, emotionally, and financially, he has never said.
:Gee, Mitch, I know it's a difficult time for you now., I;'m sorry I hurt your feelings. Let';s talk about this/work on this. ".
It is always.
"He (Dad) has rights, Mitch has no rights. Nothing that is wrong in our relationship is his fault, and I should "Look In The Mirror".
Simply put, because he doesnt give a fuck.
He has all of his "Yes people" who tell him exactly what he wants to hear, and that everything is all my fault.,
Even if I "Grow up", as some on here say, and he helps me not as much, or not at all, he will still find something to rip me to shreds about.
I'm going to have to take a deep breath, absorb the serious blows I've suffered in the past five months, and just work on moving forward.
This is the God's honest truth as I see it..
That's all
