As my mom lays dying in a nursing home far from my apartment, I start to think about what would have happened if things had been different, and if our family had stayed together. Had that happened, my parents would have been married 43 years. My life probably would have been far different, I probably would have been married, and they might well have had grandchildren by now. As it is.. they have been divorced for over 20 years, my father is married to another woman for 15 of those years, and my mother's death will be little more than a financial windfall for my father, as he will get her alimony check back. My assistant, after hearing all the trips my father takes with his second wife, says to me "I'm sure Alan cant wait until Sheila dies, so he and Cheryl can take more trips. " I dont doubt that my assistant is right.
I feel that divorce is a sin. It's the breakup of a family, the destruction of a continuity of generations, etc. Children both adult and small are forced to deal with "Stepmothers", and "Stepfathers". If they are little, they have two homes, and broken lives. When the "Ex" dies, as my mom is going to soon.. the other "Ex" is often only benefited financially, and sometimes, emotionally as well.
"I wasnt happy" is the reason often given for divorce. It seems.. a lame reason. My two sets of grandparents were married 48 years (Father's parents) and 51 plus years (My mom;s parents). Both of my grandfathers died first. I remember calling my paternal grandmother on the night that I got the news from my parents that my grandfather had died. The woman was devestated. I remember showing up my maternal grandmother's apartment by surprise, with my mom and aunt, on a cold Sunday morning in 1989. My grandmother first thought that my parents had a fight, yet, when she saw my face, and I said, "Grandma, sit down, I have something to tell you". She knew then that my grandfather had died. My grandmother lost it.
Now, as my mom's life will be taken shortly, I just feel sadness, and anger, that my parents divorced, and that her passing wont be the continuity of a family, and a family loss. The divorce was more my father's fault than my mom's.
No one is perfect of course, but.. my father often treated her miserably. Most of the time the emotional abuse was over his family. I cant help but think that my father has a certain sense of satisfaction that my mom is going to die. He gets her alimony check back, , Mitch has to suck up to him, his wife, and who he says, to get aid from his father, and my father wins his 40 plus year war with my mom.
Neither of my parents had to deal with any of this as adult children. They watched their parents stay married for life, saw their parents have multiple grandchildren from them, my mom's sister, and my father's brother. It was the continuity of life, and a family. Then, when my grandfathers passed, we grieved as a family. My mom was very upset when my paternal grandfather died. She really cared for him.
I'm not sure if I'm ever getting married, but, if I do, I'm hopeful, that, even though I'm older, and the marriage may only last.. 30 years, that one day if I am married, when I go, my wife of many years, and my children, will lean on each other as a family, that their husband and father has gone. If I have children, I dont want them to have a "Stepmother" or Stepfather. Their mother will give birth to them, hopefully, and they will have two parents, their mother, and me. Hopefully, they will not have to endure what I am now. Although, I can say this, even if I do get married, and get divorced, I can promise that should their mother go first, I will not be laying in wait for it to happen, even if I was paying her alimony and child support. I will be there for them, feel their pain, and understand that they have a right to grieve their mother, and that whoever I would be married to a second time, if such happens, which I hope it doesnt, wouldnt be their mother. Hopefully, such will never happen, because, if i do marry, I dont want to get divorced., Divorce to me is a sin.
Mitch
I feel that divorce is a sin. It's the breakup of a family, the destruction of a continuity of generations, etc. Children both adult and small are forced to deal with "Stepmothers", and "Stepfathers". If they are little, they have two homes, and broken lives. When the "Ex" dies, as my mom is going to soon.. the other "Ex" is often only benefited financially, and sometimes, emotionally as well.
"I wasnt happy" is the reason often given for divorce. It seems.. a lame reason. My two sets of grandparents were married 48 years (Father's parents) and 51 plus years (My mom;s parents). Both of my grandfathers died first. I remember calling my paternal grandmother on the night that I got the news from my parents that my grandfather had died. The woman was devestated. I remember showing up my maternal grandmother's apartment by surprise, with my mom and aunt, on a cold Sunday morning in 1989. My grandmother first thought that my parents had a fight, yet, when she saw my face, and I said, "Grandma, sit down, I have something to tell you". She knew then that my grandfather had died. My grandmother lost it.
Now, as my mom's life will be taken shortly, I just feel sadness, and anger, that my parents divorced, and that her passing wont be the continuity of a family, and a family loss. The divorce was more my father's fault than my mom's.
No one is perfect of course, but.. my father often treated her miserably. Most of the time the emotional abuse was over his family. I cant help but think that my father has a certain sense of satisfaction that my mom is going to die. He gets her alimony check back, , Mitch has to suck up to him, his wife, and who he says, to get aid from his father, and my father wins his 40 plus year war with my mom.
Neither of my parents had to deal with any of this as adult children. They watched their parents stay married for life, saw their parents have multiple grandchildren from them, my mom's sister, and my father's brother. It was the continuity of life, and a family. Then, when my grandfathers passed, we grieved as a family. My mom was very upset when my paternal grandfather died. She really cared for him.
I'm not sure if I'm ever getting married, but, if I do, I'm hopeful, that, even though I'm older, and the marriage may only last.. 30 years, that one day if I am married, when I go, my wife of many years, and my children, will lean on each other as a family, that their husband and father has gone. If I have children, I dont want them to have a "Stepmother" or Stepfather. Their mother will give birth to them, hopefully, and they will have two parents, their mother, and me. Hopefully, they will not have to endure what I am now. Although, I can say this, even if I do get married, and get divorced, I can promise that should their mother go first, I will not be laying in wait for it to happen, even if I was paying her alimony and child support. I will be there for them, feel their pain, and understand that they have a right to grieve their mother, and that whoever I would be married to a second time, if such happens, which I hope it doesnt, wouldnt be their mother. Hopefully, such will never happen, because, if i do marry, I dont want to get divorced., Divorce to me is a sin.
Mitch
