Today, I took my second look into the face of death without blinking. The only reason for not finishing the job is a promise I made to my eldest son. Other than that, I would have blown my brains all over the living room.
I sat in my usual spot in the couch took my gun chamber a round and pointed into my right eye. I saw the bullet looking me dead into my vision. I sat there wondering what would my pale of existence would be. Would it hold the same amount of pain I currently feels now?
First time I tried to kill myself was at 17, I was molested at 13 and didn’t have anyone to talk to. Sexually, I still only dealt with females; however in the back of my mind I still wonder why this guy from my church decided to attack me. Did I do anything to give him the indication I was gay?
I took a bottle full of pills. However, it did not do anything to me; it was pills for high blood pressure. So the only thing it done was to lower an already under control situation.
Today I got some bad news; I was denied for long-term disability because I force my doctor to reinstate me to work before my 90 days was over. 2 weeks before my 90 days and I could be on long-term disability. I file because my lawyer told me to. So now, I am without a job, no money, I have done four jobs interview just to be denied. I know my former employer has something to do with it.
I am already dealing with depression, PTSD, Stress, anxiety, & alcoholism. I was fired from my job of 10 years because I filed a complaint against my supervisor. Maybe I should have just taken a baseball bat to work and cracked her over her head. That why I would receive the disability I desire.
Today, I was denied long time disability because I force my doctor to allow me to return to work 2 weeks before my 90 days. Because by Jan 6, If I don’t return to work I would be fired and I was denied short-term disability and didn’t have any money to come on since October 2010
I know my wife is keeping bad news from me; I already feel like less of a man. I am a latter child of the baby boomers; we was raised that the men are the provider and protectors of their homes. However, it seems that role has been removed from the men; so men like me feel lost in this new era of confusion and revolution.
I lost my job after spending 10 years giving every piece of passion I had to a dead end job; that prefer to promote a woman because she was a woman. Never mind she did not know who to format a floppy disk or perform a copy all command in DOS.
Yet, I force to call her my boss and do her bidding, even though I knew it was going to cause serious issues in the end.
I sit in my wife chair drinking whiskey at 12:00 p.m. because I do not know what else to do, I cannot afford to go back to school because of the amount of money my wife makes place us in the bracket of someone that do not qualified for pell grants. I have to take out secondary loans at 18% per loan.
I’m tire and don’t want to go on anymore; if it wasn’t for the face I gave my eldest son my word; I would have ended my life years ago. So until I am release from my pledge; I sit here longing for death to take me naturally so my son would not be upset.
I would place this on my face book, but it would get back to my son, so I would just place this on a blog because I know no one will read it.
I want my life to end asap, but I can’t do it myself. I fucked if I do and fucked if I don’t.
I sat in my usual spot in the couch took my gun chamber a round and pointed into my right eye. I saw the bullet looking me dead into my vision. I sat there wondering what would my pale of existence would be. Would it hold the same amount of pain I currently feels now?
First time I tried to kill myself was at 17, I was molested at 13 and didn’t have anyone to talk to. Sexually, I still only dealt with females; however in the back of my mind I still wonder why this guy from my church decided to attack me. Did I do anything to give him the indication I was gay?
I took a bottle full of pills. However, it did not do anything to me; it was pills for high blood pressure. So the only thing it done was to lower an already under control situation.
Today I got some bad news; I was denied for long-term disability because I force my doctor to reinstate me to work before my 90 days was over. 2 weeks before my 90 days and I could be on long-term disability. I file because my lawyer told me to. So now, I am without a job, no money, I have done four jobs interview just to be denied. I know my former employer has something to do with it.
I am already dealing with depression, PTSD, Stress, anxiety, & alcoholism. I was fired from my job of 10 years because I filed a complaint against my supervisor. Maybe I should have just taken a baseball bat to work and cracked her over her head. That why I would receive the disability I desire.
Today, I was denied long time disability because I force my doctor to allow me to return to work 2 weeks before my 90 days. Because by Jan 6, If I don’t return to work I would be fired and I was denied short-term disability and didn’t have any money to come on since October 2010
I know my wife is keeping bad news from me; I already feel like less of a man. I am a latter child of the baby boomers; we was raised that the men are the provider and protectors of their homes. However, it seems that role has been removed from the men; so men like me feel lost in this new era of confusion and revolution.
I lost my job after spending 10 years giving every piece of passion I had to a dead end job; that prefer to promote a woman because she was a woman. Never mind she did not know who to format a floppy disk or perform a copy all command in DOS.
Yet, I force to call her my boss and do her bidding, even though I knew it was going to cause serious issues in the end.
I sit in my wife chair drinking whiskey at 12:00 p.m. because I do not know what else to do, I cannot afford to go back to school because of the amount of money my wife makes place us in the bracket of someone that do not qualified for pell grants. I have to take out secondary loans at 18% per loan.
I’m tire and don’t want to go on anymore; if it wasn’t for the face I gave my eldest son my word; I would have ended my life years ago. So until I am release from my pledge; I sit here longing for death to take me naturally so my son would not be upset.
I would place this on my face book, but it would get back to my son, so I would just place this on a blog because I know no one will read it.
I want my life to end asap, but I can’t do it myself. I fucked if I do and fucked if I don’t.
