Are you speaking the right love language?

[BrightEyes1082]

I'm just going to jump right in here. Consider love to be a bank.
Each relationship you have is an account in the love bank. Your
relationship with your mom is an account. Your spouse, your best
friend, your kids, each individual has an account with you, and you
have one with them. Each interaction you have with a person makes
either a deposit or a withdrawal into/from your love bank account
with them. And the same goes for their account with you. If you
vacuum before your wife gets home, you made a deposit. If you
track mud on her clean floor, you made a withdrawal. Make sense?
Okay.

<a href="http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html">There are five love languages.</a>

They are:
<ul><li>Words of Affirmation</li><li>Quality Time</li><li>Receiving Gifts</li><li>Acts of Service</li><li>Physical Touch</li></ul>

So, the question I pose is this: what happens when you speak the
wrong language to your significant other? If your main love language
is Quality Time, and your significant other's main love language is Acts
of Service, and you're speaking in different languages to each other
that the other doesn't understand, how are you ever going to make
deposits in your love bank?

 

[Marquis De Sade]

My brain hurts.

 

[Snail Shell]

I think the key to a successful relationship is to find an equal balance in all of those accounts, based on the person. If the person in your life doesn't want material gifts, don't focus on material gifts. If the person wants service and you're not willing to give, then there's a limit to the extent of that relationship.

A good relationship, I think, is based on an understanding of those accounts and relationships and respect as such. Not necessarily bending to meet those desires of the other person.

Snail Shell

 

[BrightEyes1082]

I think the key to a successful relationship is to find an equal balance in all of those accounts, based on the person. If the person in your life doesn't want material gifts, don't focus on material gifts. If the person wants service and you're not willing to give, then there's a limit to the extent of that relationship.

A good relationship, I think, is based on an understanding of those accounts and relationships and respect as such. Not necessarily bending to meet those desires of the other person.

Snail Shell

Well, most people have two main love languages. So if you
focus on speaking those love languages to those people, and
they do the same in return (speaking yours to you), then the
relationship is mutually rewarding. When everyone involved only
speaks their own language, nobody really benefits, thus withdrawals
are constantly made from each love bank account, as opposed to
deposits made in the rewarding relationships.

 

[TMF Jeff]

love bank, love bank, love bank, love bank

What on earth have you been reading?

 

[BrightEyes1082]

What on earth have you been reading?

Lawl. Well the love bank was something I heard in a sermon at
church a long time ago. And the love languages come from a
book, also something I read awhile back. I just got to thinking
about how they all intertwined.

 

[venray]

Never heard of love and relationships referred to as "accounts" before...

The best thing to do in a relationship is learn what your partner wants and needs and see to it that they know what you want and need...

Then you both do your best to satisfy those wants and needs for the other...

That makes the realtionship work... not how many times you cook dinner or vacuum...

 

[BrightEyes1082]

Never heard of love and relationships referred to as "accounts" before...

The best thing to do in a relationship is learn what your partner wants and needs and see to it that they know what you want and need...

Then you both do your best to satisfy those wants and needs for the other...

That makes the realtionship work... not how many times you cook dinner or vacuum...

The principle is that each time you interact with your partner, you're
making a deposit or a withdrawal for them. If you give them a hug, it's
a deposit. If you ignore them when you walk through the room, that's a
withdrawal. It's not about just doing things. It says each and every inter-
action means something. When you consistently make deposits, then when
you screw up and make a withdrawal, it's not so bad because you have lots
in your account. Make sense?

 

[Tortuga]

I'm not sure if I understand this correctly. It's actually kind of confusing. Ummmms, I don't really believe in a "love language" it kind of sounds like a written manual that we should go by to have a relationship. It's a bit too text bookish. The chemistry and the fact that you adore one another is what should matter most. It kind of sounds like we're both on a score board to see who can get the most Physical Touch points or the most Quality Time points. And it shouldn't be like that. It should be equal, or what's the point in loving each other, or trying to love each other?

 

[BrightEyes1082]

I'm not sure if I understand this correctly. It's actually kind of confusing. Ummmms, I don't really believe in a "love language" it kind of sounds like a written manual that we should go by to have a relationship. It's a bit too text bookish. The chemistry and the fact that you adore one another is what should matter most. It kind of sounds like we're both on a score board to see who can get the most Physical Touch points or the most Quality Time points. And it shouldn't be like that. It should be equal, or what's the point in loving each other, or trying to love each other?

It's not about who can score the most points. It's about speaking love
to your partner in a way they understand it. The lovey-dovey feelings
only last for so long. Then you have to show love in other ways.

 

[venray]

The principal is easy enough to understand, it is just not the way I look at relationships....

I look at it as a matter of trust, sharing, and knowing your partner and not how many deposits or withdrawals are made...

It is a "joint" account where I dont look at a statement each month to see who has deposited or withdrawn more..

 

[CrystalLight]

To get to the point where love is established, there has to be a general understanding. You can't really love someone if you don't know them.

So, if a mutual understanding of each other is established, then the banking portion that you're speaking about happens when both of their interests end up overlapping. Everything within a relationship doesn't stay distant. So, it'll add up. Just not right away.

 

[sasaxrah]

The principle is that each time you interact with your partner, you're making a deposit or a withdrawal for them. If you give them a hug, it's a deposit. If you ignore them when you walk through the room, that's a withdrawal.

I don't like viewing my relationships as transactional. Even if you don't keep an official tally or log, it's going to be in your head. It's so much more complex than that. If I fuck up in a relationship, there's not a deposit I can make to undo it or set it even.

 

[LindyHopper]

I don't like viewing my relationships as transactional. Even if you don't keep an official tally or log, it's going to be in your head. It's so much more complex than that. If I fuck up in a relationship, there's not a deposit I can make to undo it or set it even.

I agree. If things are working, you don't feel the need to keep ledgers. And if they're not, tracking deposits and withdrawals isn't going to fix your problems, it's only going to give you more things to bitch about.

 

[Marquis De Sade]

My brain still hurts. This reminds me of accounting class in high school.

 

[Saeria]

I think i kinda understand the OP. I do a bit of this kind of thinking alot, though not quite using the same analogy. I have learned through my experiences that love, in it's most functional form, is half emotion half action. You can say you love someone but if you're not willing to act upon those feelings, you can't say you love this person completely. It's like having a plant. You say "plant, i love you and i'm going to water you." but unless you actually get up and water this plant everytime it needs water, it's going to die.
Upon the language of love, many relationships are built upon what people want in their lives, as well as what they want from their partner, or the people around them. Chances are when you love someone, you have some, even if they're abstract, expectations from them. I love gothika very much but if he didn't reciprocate that love in some form or another my feeling swould change over time, for sure. It's all about reciprocation in equal fashion. Just like the Beatles said "And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make"

 

[kis123]

My brain still hurts. This reminds me of accounting class in high school.

I'm right there with you and I have an advanced degree in finance!

Brighteyes, this sounds good, but if I used this theory the only thing I'd have is a very overdrawn account on its way to ChexSystems!

Has been no fun for me in the relationship department. I'm thinking it's meant for me to just be alone cause things just ain't working out these days.

 

[Musicroxmysox]

It sounds like a theory from "Love for Dummies" to me, but that is just my opinion.

Personally I feel that it is something most of us do without thinking because when it comes down to it human interaction is based on common sense.

If I had to think about all of this and try to balance it all the time I think it would come off as phony and not natural.

To me, life happens and that is it. I don't want to have to think so much about what I do with my relationships. I just want to do and have them.

 

[Illtcklu]

I'm just going to jump right in here. Consider love to be a bank.
Each relationship you have is an account in the love bank. Your
relationship with your mom is an account. Your spouse, your best
friend, your kids, each individual has an account with you, and you
have one with them. Each interaction you have with a person makes
either a deposit or a withdrawal into/from your love bank account
with them. And the same goes for their account with you. If you
vacuum before your wife gets home, you made a deposit. If you
track mud on her clean floor, you made a withdrawal. Make sense?
Okay.

<a href="http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html">There are five love languages.</a>

They are:
<ul><li>Words of Affirmation</li><li>Quality Time</li><li>Receiving Gifts</li><li>Acts of Service</li><li>Physical Touch</li></ul>

So, the question I pose is this: what happens when you speak the
wrong language to your significant other? If your main love language
is Quality Time, and your significant other's main love language is Acts
of Service, and you're speaking in different languages to each other
that the other doesn't understand, how are you ever going to make
deposits in your love bank?

I don't normally like to give advice on this but here goes:

One: establish the differences and make it specifically clear what they are! In other words communication!

Two: Together find a third one (like a joint account)!


But then what do I know?

 

[Tortuga]

It's not about who can score the most points. It's about speaking love
to your partner in a way they understand it. The lovey-dovey feelings
only last for so long. Then you have to show love in other ways.

Well see I can't really agree with that. I don't really think you should have to "speak" love to someone or do something to show love. I mean you wouldn't be together unless you loved each other right? Sometimes love just fades, it's not because you didn't show it enough or do the 5 laws you got posted there, sometimes you just think you would be compatable and your not. Like with ASU and I, we both thought we were very much in love and very compatable. We did whatever we could to love each other, but it just didn't take.

 

[Marquis De Sade]

Tortuga, on a sorta side note, do you believe two people could ever be TOO compatible for each other? Differences can be good sometimes.

Wait, does this question belong in a different thread?

 

[BellaRisa]

Well see I can't really agree with that. I don't really think you should have to "speak" love to someone or do something to show love. I mean you wouldn't be together unless you loved each other right? Sometimes love just fades, it's not because you didn't show it enough or do the 5 laws you got posted there, sometimes you just think you would be compatable and your not. Like with ASU and I, we both thought we were very much in love and very compatable. We did whatever we could to love each other, but it just didn't take.

I see what you're saying, and you're right on about compatibility. Now having said, that, I read the Love Languages book yrs ago and I totally get it. I've been married a long time and collared for another long time; you SO have to show love the way your partner needs you to show it or they'll feel, well, unloved. Just saying it isn't always enough and logic has zero to do with the heart and soul. It's not about points or keeping score, it's about knowing 'your' partner's specific needs and nurturing them properly. A great example is the man who works his ass off and gives his wife beautiful things and a huge house, but because he's always gone she feels as though he doesn't care, doesn't want to be with her. If her languages are quality time and touch and he's never there to hold her and stroke her hair, and she doesn't know how to articulate that she's needing more touch or feels guilty for needing more from him, they could be headed for disaster. It happens all the time. (Meanwhile a woman who's language was service might have no problem). While it's true that sometimes love just fades, quite often all it takes to get the spark back is a crash course in the language your partner needs you to learn

 

[BellaRisa]

Never heard of love and relationships referred to as "accounts" before...

The best thing to do in a relationship is learn what your partner wants and needs and see to it that they know what you want and need...

Then you both do your best to satisfy those wants and needs for the other...

That makes the realtionship work... not how many times you cook dinner or vacuum...

That's just it; for an exhausted housewife, the acts of cooking dinner or vacuumming so she can go take a hot bath (service) and telling her you'll do those things because she works so hard around the house and deserves a break (words of affirmation) are how a hubby can do his best to satisfy her wants and needs. Learning what your partner wants and needs and seeing to it that they know yours is actually what this love languages thing is all about

 

[BrightEyes1082]

That's just it; for an exhausted housewife, the acts of cooking dinner or vacuumming so she can go take a hot bath (service) and telling her you'll do those things because she works so hard around the house and deserves a break (words of affirmation) are how a hubby can do his best to satisfy her wants and needs. Learning what your partner wants and needs and seeing to it that they know yours is actually what this love languages thing is all about

I see what you're saying, and you're right on about compatibility. Now having said, that, I read the Love Languages book yrs ago and I totally get it. I've been married a long time and collared for another long time; you SO have to show love the way your partner needs you to show it or they'll feel, well, unloved. Just saying it isn't always enough and logic has zero to do with the heart and soul. It's not about points or keeping score, it's about knowing 'your' partner's specific needs and nurturing them properly. A great example is the man who works his ass off and gives his wife beautiful things and a huge house, but because he's always gone she feels as though he doesn't care, doesn't want to be with her. If her languages are quality time and touch and he's never there to hold her and stroke her hair, and she doesn't know how to articulate that she's needing more touch or feels guilty for needing more from him, they could be headed for disaster. It happens all the time. (Meanwhile a woman who's language was service might have no problem). While it's true that sometimes love just fades, quite often all it takes to get the spark back is a crash course in the language your partner needs you to learn

EXACTLY! This is exactly what I was trying to say.

 

[Mephistopheles]

that Gary guy is just way too fucking ugly to know anything about love.