Thanks to Simon Cowell, virtually every country that has television now has a version of this TV show, the two biggest being the UK and America.
Sometimes, an audition is more than entertaining - worthy of remembrance for more than just giving us a five minute grin. This is the thread for having a bit of a waffle about those.
I've got three auditions that I like myself, ad I'm going to piss everyone else off with the first one, because its bound to be their top one as well. It's probably the most famous audition in the history of any country's Talent program.
At the Glasgow auditions a few years ago, both the panel and the three thousand strong audience were clearly bored to the point of tears by a succession of talentless tossers with all the entertainment value of a tap-dancing hot dog. When an overweight, hideously dressed woman with weird hair, reverse fashion sense and scary eyebrows walked onstage and told the panel she wanted to be as famous as Elaine Paige, the camera showed a succession of people rolling their eyes and groaning in anticipation of another calamitous horror. The panel looked like they were bracing themselves to be diplomatically nice as well. Even worse she'd picked a song that had one of the highest vocal ranges possible, I Dreamed a Dream, virtually sealing her fate. The atmosphere was loaded with three thousand noses scenting for blood.
But as the opening bars of the song's theme played over the sound system and she stood there clutching the mic, her chin dipped and the tiniest smirk played around her lips. The lady herself is far too churchly to use such language, but to me that smirk said quite clearly:
I know what you judgemental fuckers are thinking, and I also know you are in for a MASSIVE surprise!
In the space of the eight opening words, two to three seconds, Susan Boyle destroyed that atmosphere forever. Shattered it completely. There was no slow transition either: it was gone, BANG! To be replaced by one that couldn't be more opposite. Amanda Holden's jaw hit the table, Simon Cowell lurched back in his seat like someone had thrust a hot coal in his face and the audience opened their mouths and started cheering en-masse.
By the end of the song the music world had changed forever, all the dogs in Glasgow were howling and car alarms as far away as Edinburgh had been set off by the shock wave.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PECmXi8dv9s
Two words: fuck me... (No Susan, not you!) The most memorable audition ever to come on any talent show.
My second choice is born of my love of surprises in such situations. To the tune of The Eve of the War from Jeff Wayne's musical LP of The War of the Worlds, seven guys dressed as monks strode onto the stage to "demonstrate the talent that we have". As they were called "The Chippendoubles", Simon strongly suspected a strip act was imminent.
Such proved to be off the mark however, as the chanting soundtrack was quickly replaced by Disco Inferno by the Tramps and one of the "monks" threw off his robe to reveal a Ricky Gervais lookalike, dressed in character as David Brent from The Office, doing a good imitation of the world's worst dance set. Simon Cowell's face was a picture of realisation as he realised just how wrong he'd gotten it.
Second up was a dinner jacket-clad, pistol toting Daniel Craig-alike (who to my eyes looked more like Christopher Ecclestone , the ninth Doctor Who) setting many squeals of delight into the air from the female audience members.
He was replaced by a monk who quickly showed his censer was in fact a gold coloured football which he proceeded to juggle and do tricks with, sans robe to the tune of Matche of the Day - showing that he was in fact a lookalike (apparently - I don't see much resemblance myself) of David Beckham. Many cheers from those girls in the audience who don't mind a bit of an androgynous bloke and from all the guys who love their football.
His replacement was a slightly less craggy (and shorter) version of TV chef Gordon Ramsey who proceeded to dance in gold spandex tights to the theme tune of Flash Gordon.
As he was coming to the end of his set the next guy, a very WIDE guy, took off his robe. The audience didn't need the new song playing, the theme tune from The A-Team or the removal of his face mask to reveal his identity as his Mandinka Mohawk stood out three inches from the sides and top of his head. The deafening howl of approval, the loudest so far, coming from a British crowd shows just how much American culture via its media has penetrated Britain's bone marrow. B.A. Barracus marched across the stage, threw Gordon Ramsey over one shoulder and carried him off as the tallest guy so far wandered forward and threw off his robe to reveal that he was black and clad in a smart suit with sunglasses and a neat haircut. As he jived to the theme from Men in Black every red-blooded hetero female in the audience squealed deafeningly as they recognised Wil Smith. Americana wins again.
Finally, the six who'd gone before organised themselves in two columns of three, stood to attention and saluted the final robed figure, who to the tune of You're So Vain by Carly Simon strode forward, having his robe plucked off by one colleague on either side, whipped his face mask off himself to reveal the high forehead, higher waistband and all-black attire of Simon Cowell himself. As Ant & Dec went demented with delight in the wings, the crowd took the roof off and the real Cowel, sat at the panel's desk, doubled over with laughter like he'd been gutshot.
Whipping his trousers off to reveal Union Jack pants, the lookalike pointed a finger at the audience and mouthed along to a backing track of the real Cowell's voice:
"Guys, that was extraordinary!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34DFZyH33js
Finally, was a guy dressed in a suit, without tie, called Paul Burling who said he was going to do comedy impressions. Many have tried, many have sounded less convincing than a Mensa application by George W. Bush. From the second this guy turned round to reveal himself as Harry Hill from TV Burp the crowd, who had spent long hours being bored to tears by a succession of talents turnips, roared with laughter. He went from that into a succession of voices from cartoon characters, every single bloody one of them an American one, proving once again that while Americans reading this won't have a bloody clue who Harry Hill is, every inhabitant of the United Kingdom will always know who Scooby Doo, Homer Simpson and Popeye are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0KODjXwTWw&feature=related
Sometimes, an audition is more than entertaining - worthy of remembrance for more than just giving us a five minute grin. This is the thread for having a bit of a waffle about those.
I've got three auditions that I like myself, ad I'm going to piss everyone else off with the first one, because its bound to be their top one as well. It's probably the most famous audition in the history of any country's Talent program.
At the Glasgow auditions a few years ago, both the panel and the three thousand strong audience were clearly bored to the point of tears by a succession of talentless tossers with all the entertainment value of a tap-dancing hot dog. When an overweight, hideously dressed woman with weird hair, reverse fashion sense and scary eyebrows walked onstage and told the panel she wanted to be as famous as Elaine Paige, the camera showed a succession of people rolling their eyes and groaning in anticipation of another calamitous horror. The panel looked like they were bracing themselves to be diplomatically nice as well. Even worse she'd picked a song that had one of the highest vocal ranges possible, I Dreamed a Dream, virtually sealing her fate. The atmosphere was loaded with three thousand noses scenting for blood.
But as the opening bars of the song's theme played over the sound system and she stood there clutching the mic, her chin dipped and the tiniest smirk played around her lips. The lady herself is far too churchly to use such language, but to me that smirk said quite clearly:
I know what you judgemental fuckers are thinking, and I also know you are in for a MASSIVE surprise!
In the space of the eight opening words, two to three seconds, Susan Boyle destroyed that atmosphere forever. Shattered it completely. There was no slow transition either: it was gone, BANG! To be replaced by one that couldn't be more opposite. Amanda Holden's jaw hit the table, Simon Cowell lurched back in his seat like someone had thrust a hot coal in his face and the audience opened their mouths and started cheering en-masse.
By the end of the song the music world had changed forever, all the dogs in Glasgow were howling and car alarms as far away as Edinburgh had been set off by the shock wave.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PECmXi8dv9s
Two words: fuck me... (No Susan, not you!) The most memorable audition ever to come on any talent show.
My second choice is born of my love of surprises in such situations. To the tune of The Eve of the War from Jeff Wayne's musical LP of The War of the Worlds, seven guys dressed as monks strode onto the stage to "demonstrate the talent that we have". As they were called "The Chippendoubles", Simon strongly suspected a strip act was imminent.
Such proved to be off the mark however, as the chanting soundtrack was quickly replaced by Disco Inferno by the Tramps and one of the "monks" threw off his robe to reveal a Ricky Gervais lookalike, dressed in character as David Brent from The Office, doing a good imitation of the world's worst dance set. Simon Cowell's face was a picture of realisation as he realised just how wrong he'd gotten it.
Second up was a dinner jacket-clad, pistol toting Daniel Craig-alike (who to my eyes looked more like Christopher Ecclestone , the ninth Doctor Who) setting many squeals of delight into the air from the female audience members.
He was replaced by a monk who quickly showed his censer was in fact a gold coloured football which he proceeded to juggle and do tricks with, sans robe to the tune of Matche of the Day - showing that he was in fact a lookalike (apparently - I don't see much resemblance myself) of David Beckham. Many cheers from those girls in the audience who don't mind a bit of an androgynous bloke and from all the guys who love their football.
His replacement was a slightly less craggy (and shorter) version of TV chef Gordon Ramsey who proceeded to dance in gold spandex tights to the theme tune of Flash Gordon.
As he was coming to the end of his set the next guy, a very WIDE guy, took off his robe. The audience didn't need the new song playing, the theme tune from The A-Team or the removal of his face mask to reveal his identity as his Mandinka Mohawk stood out three inches from the sides and top of his head. The deafening howl of approval, the loudest so far, coming from a British crowd shows just how much American culture via its media has penetrated Britain's bone marrow. B.A. Barracus marched across the stage, threw Gordon Ramsey over one shoulder and carried him off as the tallest guy so far wandered forward and threw off his robe to reveal that he was black and clad in a smart suit with sunglasses and a neat haircut. As he jived to the theme from Men in Black every red-blooded hetero female in the audience squealed deafeningly as they recognised Wil Smith. Americana wins again.
Finally, the six who'd gone before organised themselves in two columns of three, stood to attention and saluted the final robed figure, who to the tune of You're So Vain by Carly Simon strode forward, having his robe plucked off by one colleague on either side, whipped his face mask off himself to reveal the high forehead, higher waistband and all-black attire of Simon Cowell himself. As Ant & Dec went demented with delight in the wings, the crowd took the roof off and the real Cowel, sat at the panel's desk, doubled over with laughter like he'd been gutshot.
Whipping his trousers off to reveal Union Jack pants, the lookalike pointed a finger at the audience and mouthed along to a backing track of the real Cowell's voice:
"Guys, that was extraordinary!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34DFZyH33js
Finally, was a guy dressed in a suit, without tie, called Paul Burling who said he was going to do comedy impressions. Many have tried, many have sounded less convincing than a Mensa application by George W. Bush. From the second this guy turned round to reveal himself as Harry Hill from TV Burp the crowd, who had spent long hours being bored to tears by a succession of talents turnips, roared with laughter. He went from that into a succession of voices from cartoon characters, every single bloody one of them an American one, proving once again that while Americans reading this won't have a bloody clue who Harry Hill is, every inhabitant of the United Kingdom will always know who Scooby Doo, Homer Simpson and Popeye are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0KODjXwTWw&feature=related
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