Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,922
- Points
- 38
My travel agent brother-in-law always knows where the best hallucinogens can be found, which countries have the most liberal drug policies and and how to find hotel accommodations that are least likely rip you off when you're high. I'll never even contemplate another vacation without advice from my own personal trip advisor!
Tip to all carnival performers: if you want a well-balanced romance, check out the tightrope walker first! You can't beat online dating!
Damn my brother! He tricked me into eating red-hot jalapenos! He assured me they'd be chilly peppers!
If you suck at playing the harmonica, good for you! You're halfway there!
Last night I had a near-sex experience! My wife flashed before my eyes!
An airline passenger is horrified to find that he's been seated alongside the Grim Reaper.
"Relax!" the Reaper assures him. "You aren't on my list just yet."
The guy heaves a huge sigh of relief, after which a sly grin appears on his face.
"So, can we expect to see a real death tonight? Like somebody on this very plane?"
"Sure!" replies the Spirit of Death, jovially. "A couple of guys, actually: your pilot and co-pilot."
My wife says that when we finally have kids, sacrifices must be made. Sounds like a lot of pointless investment to me; I recommended we just buy a few chickens for our next Black Mass.
The one-legged waitress, Eileen, works at IHOP. If she's serving you, watch your step... she actually gets upset if you tip her too much.
To cure my pessimism, my psychiatrist recommended that I place a quarter in a jar each time I have a negative thought. I don't think it's working... so far, the darn thing is half empty.
Widow: "You buried my husband in cow manure! How could you do that?"
Undertaker: "Simply following your directions, madam. When asked if you wanted his remains cremated, you told us, 'No. I prefer that he be in turd.'"
A mime broke his left arm while he was being arrested. Fortunately, he still had the right to remain silent.
My son wanted the role of Angry Stormcloud in this year's school play, but the teacher already promised the part to six other kids. I guess you could say it was over-cast.
Hear about the perverted assistant mortician who was working on a cadaver late one night? His boss showed up unexpectedly... it scared the guy so bad, he had an immediate out-of-body experience.
I donate regularly to our local orphanage, but don't get much credit for it. Killing parents is frowned on these days.
Canine breeders are currently working on a bulldog/Shih Tzu mix. They plan to call the result a Shulldog... not very elegant, but I suppose it beats the alternative.
After ten years of listening to wife explain it, I've learned one thing: she's usually in the right. But not always... sometimes I'm in the wrong.
A grizzled pirate enters a tavern with a beat-up, scruffy looking parrot on his shoulder.
"Glory be!" bellows the tavern owner. "Where the devil'd you find that awful thing?"
"At sea, a'course!" replies the parrot. "There ain't so many of 'em on dry land!"
I was shocked when my cousin Louise told me she was going to attend a lesbian orgy. She plans to arrive early so she can take part in the whole shebang.
Q: If your bonsai tree ever gets pregnant, where's the best place to take it?
A: Plant Parenthood.
Termite: "Eating a grandfather clock may be time consuming, but I've never found one to be terribly filling. I always go back for seconds."
Running from first base to second base is a brief trip; running from second to third will take you longer. That's because there's a short stop in between.
I guess even a player as talented as Shohei Ohtani can learn a new pitch! The one he's currently using seems to be called the Over/Under!
* * *
Tip to all carnival performers: if you want a well-balanced romance, check out the tightrope walker first! You can't beat online dating!
* * *
Damn my brother! He tricked me into eating red-hot jalapenos! He assured me they'd be chilly peppers!
* * *
If you suck at playing the harmonica, good for you! You're halfway there!
* * *
Last night I had a near-sex experience! My wife flashed before my eyes!
* * *
An airline passenger is horrified to find that he's been seated alongside the Grim Reaper.
"Relax!" the Reaper assures him. "You aren't on my list just yet."
The guy heaves a huge sigh of relief, after which a sly grin appears on his face.
"So, can we expect to see a real death tonight? Like somebody on this very plane?"
"Sure!" replies the Spirit of Death, jovially. "A couple of guys, actually: your pilot and co-pilot."
* * *
My wife says that when we finally have kids, sacrifices must be made. Sounds like a lot of pointless investment to me; I recommended we just buy a few chickens for our next Black Mass.
* * *
The one-legged waitress, Eileen, works at IHOP. If she's serving you, watch your step... she actually gets upset if you tip her too much.
* * *
To cure my pessimism, my psychiatrist recommended that I place a quarter in a jar each time I have a negative thought. I don't think it's working... so far, the darn thing is half empty.
* * *
Widow: "You buried my husband in cow manure! How could you do that?"
Undertaker: "Simply following your directions, madam. When asked if you wanted his remains cremated, you told us, 'No. I prefer that he be in turd.'"
* * *
A mime broke his left arm while he was being arrested. Fortunately, he still had the right to remain silent.
* * *
My son wanted the role of Angry Stormcloud in this year's school play, but the teacher already promised the part to six other kids. I guess you could say it was over-cast.
* * *
Hear about the perverted assistant mortician who was working on a cadaver late one night? His boss showed up unexpectedly... it scared the guy so bad, he had an immediate out-of-body experience.
* * *
I donate regularly to our local orphanage, but don't get much credit for it. Killing parents is frowned on these days.
* * *
Canine breeders are currently working on a bulldog/Shih Tzu mix. They plan to call the result a Shulldog... not very elegant, but I suppose it beats the alternative.
* * *
After ten years of listening to wife explain it, I've learned one thing: she's usually in the right. But not always... sometimes I'm in the wrong.
* * *
A grizzled pirate enters a tavern with a beat-up, scruffy looking parrot on his shoulder.
"Glory be!" bellows the tavern owner. "Where the devil'd you find that awful thing?"
"At sea, a'course!" replies the parrot. "There ain't so many of 'em on dry land!"
* * *
I was shocked when my cousin Louise told me she was going to attend a lesbian orgy. She plans to arrive early so she can take part in the whole shebang.
* * *
Q: If your bonsai tree ever gets pregnant, where's the best place to take it?
A: Plant Parenthood.
* * *
Termite: "Eating a grandfather clock may be time consuming, but I've never found one to be terribly filling. I always go back for seconds."
* * *
Running from first base to second base is a brief trip; running from second to third will take you longer. That's because there's a short stop in between.
* * *
I guess even a player as talented as Shohei Ohtani can learn a new pitch! The one he's currently using seems to be called the Over/Under!
