Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,919
- Points
- 38
My wife suffers from a drinking problem. She isn't an alcoholic... she suffers from my drinking problem.
Blonde: "Is there anything seriously wrong with my car?"
Mechanic: "Nope. Just crap in the carburetor."
Blonde: "If you say so. How often?"
My girlfriend called the other day and said, "Nobody's home. Come on over!" Obviously I didn't.... who wants to sit around in an empty house!
The letters F and H suddenly exploded. I suppose we should have seen that coming after G had.
My uncle's spent 4 straight years in the bath. He doesn't get much exercise that way... obviously, he's rather tubby.
Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "This dam thing is creating environmental impact!"
Last time I eat at that restaurant! They may offer free booze, but my steak is always underdone! In other words, the spirit's willing, but the flesh is weak.
An exciting new title just hit the bookstores: "Fools Rush In", by Hugo Furst.
This summer, I'll be moving to Greenwich, England. There's plenty to do in the mean time.
If you get an anonymous email entitled "Topics of the Day", don't bother to open it... it's a virus.
My uncle has a very unusual career: he polishes the gears and removes the grease from clock towers. Quite a successful profession... he's cleaning up big time.
It's a sad fact that hoarders tend to be proud of their over purchasing, even with all the isolation and paranoia that go along with it. But that's typical in stock home syndrome.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: KFC is delivering now.
Most normal people drink cows milk, which is considered dairy. Lactose intolerant folks can drink soy or almond milk. That's non-dairy. However, really discerning people will want to try unicorn milk! It's legen-dairy!
I'm a big supporter of plant-based power! I can't decide if I like coal-fire or nuclear plants the best!
Shakespeare was actually a professional wrestler in his youth... he was famous for his encyclopedic understanding of pinfalls. That's why he was known as Know-holds bard.
I'll be starting work soon at a suicide hotline and it may not be what I expected. My supervisor told me to come in tomorrow so he can show me the ropes.
King Arthur didn't accept Excalibur until one of his knights had examined it first and delivered his opinion. He wouldn't use any blade that wasn't Sir rated.
My secretary reminds me of my wife. Every time I put the moves on her, she hollers, "Knock it off, jerk! You're married!"
Princess Fiona didn't find Lord Farquaad attractive. He lacked Shrek's appeal.
I went to Whole Foods and got myself a loaf of sliced bread. Damn liars!
Blonde: "Before we start dating, I have to know: do you have any little kids?"
Guy: "Yes... one less than two."
Blonde: "Hey smarty! I may be blond, but I know how much 'one' is!"
* * *
Blonde: "Is there anything seriously wrong with my car?"
Mechanic: "Nope. Just crap in the carburetor."
Blonde: "If you say so. How often?"
* * *
My girlfriend called the other day and said, "Nobody's home. Come on over!" Obviously I didn't.... who wants to sit around in an empty house!
* * *
The letters F and H suddenly exploded. I suppose we should have seen that coming after G had.
* * *
My uncle's spent 4 straight years in the bath. He doesn't get much exercise that way... obviously, he's rather tubby.
* * *
Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
A: "This dam thing is creating environmental impact!"
* * *
Last time I eat at that restaurant! They may offer free booze, but my steak is always underdone! In other words, the spirit's willing, but the flesh is weak.
* * *
An exciting new title just hit the bookstores: "Fools Rush In", by Hugo Furst.
* * *
This summer, I'll be moving to Greenwich, England. There's plenty to do in the mean time.
* * *
If you get an anonymous email entitled "Topics of the Day", don't bother to open it... it's a virus.
* * *
My uncle has a very unusual career: he polishes the gears and removes the grease from clock towers. Quite a successful profession... he's cleaning up big time.
* * *
It's a sad fact that hoarders tend to be proud of their over purchasing, even with all the isolation and paranoia that go along with it. But that's typical in stock home syndrome.
* * *
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: KFC is delivering now.
* * *
Most normal people drink cows milk, which is considered dairy. Lactose intolerant folks can drink soy or almond milk. That's non-dairy. However, really discerning people will want to try unicorn milk! It's legen-dairy!
* * *
I'm a big supporter of plant-based power! I can't decide if I like coal-fire or nuclear plants the best!
* * *
Shakespeare was actually a professional wrestler in his youth... he was famous for his encyclopedic understanding of pinfalls. That's why he was known as Know-holds bard.
* * *
I'll be starting work soon at a suicide hotline and it may not be what I expected. My supervisor told me to come in tomorrow so he can show me the ropes.
* * *
King Arthur didn't accept Excalibur until one of his knights had examined it first and delivered his opinion. He wouldn't use any blade that wasn't Sir rated.
* * *
My secretary reminds me of my wife. Every time I put the moves on her, she hollers, "Knock it off, jerk! You're married!"
* * *
Princess Fiona didn't find Lord Farquaad attractive. He lacked Shrek's appeal.
* * *
I went to Whole Foods and got myself a loaf of sliced bread. Damn liars!
* * *
Blonde: "Before we start dating, I have to know: do you have any little kids?"
Guy: "Yes... one less than two."
Blonde: "Hey smarty! I may be blond, but I know how much 'one' is!"
