Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,919
- Points
- 38
I think my sister's losing her mind! She began reading a novel which suddenly inspired her to throw all her unpaid bills into the fireplace! Which book was it? The Song of Bernadette!
"I was checking out a woman in Walmart the other day."
"How 'bout that! I didn't even know the store had any in stock!"
I got a vasectomy expressly so I wouldn't have any kids. Didn't work... the little creeps were still there when I got back from the hospital.
"I just love Eminem!"
"Personally, I prefer Skittles."
"Not the candy, dumbass! The rapper!"
"I'm a dumbass?! You're the one eating the wrapper!"
Turns out I'm related to royalty; my lineage includes members of the Habsburg Dynasty! I just got the information through Incestry.com!
Teacher: "Little Johnny, which is the shortest month of the year?"
Johnny: "May. It has only three letters."
My wife just asked me what "mansplaining" means... I don't have the faintest idea what to do now!
Redhead: "What's the past tense of 'love'?"
Blonde: " 'Leave'."
Brunette: "I don't think so! Past tense would be 'left'."
Blonde: "Nope. He hasn't got anything left."
My sweet tooth is my master! It demands more chocolate, I give it more chocolate. It demands more caramel, I give it more caramel. That tooth has been in charge of me for decades, making me see to its needs. What it really needs now is more gum.
The journals of early African explorers often carry reports of terrifying carnivorous trees that swallow humans whole. Today, we know these tales are nonsense. Not that there aren't such plants, but they're all bark, no bite.
If I could meet any babe from world history, it'd be Joan of Arc! I hear she was super hot!
Our history studies professor just told us all about Second Punic Warm and man was it bloody! Then again, what else would you expect from a Hannibal lecture!
My cousin just opened an Italian restaurant expressly for the kinky. It serves nothing but fetishini.
If you have to become involved with a criminal, make sure it's a shoplifter. They're introspective, not aggressive or violent... always taking stock.
You know what makes my blood boil? Those darn careless technicians who dial up the intensity too high during radiation treatment!
Bilbo Baggins celebrated his 111th birthday at the beginning of Lord of the Rings, then survived long enough to sail away with Gandalf to the Undying Lands. I guess it's really true, then... old hobbits die hard.
My grandfather was a four-star general. Guess his coworkers gave him mostly favorable reviews.
Q: If we really want to clean up outer space, what's the best way to suck up all the junk the Americans and Russians have shot into orbit?
A: Use a Dyson Sphere.
My late auntie had chronic halitosis. Even so, she was far and away the sweetest person I have ever known.
Q: What infectious condition are women more prone to after they marry?
A: Pseudomonas.
Back when I played for the NHL, my teammates nicknamed me 'Titanic'... not because I was huge, but because I looked magnificent until I hit the ice.
Despite assertions to the contrary, having seven or eight beers will bring you much closer to reality. The Earth is spinning on its axis at a thousand miles an hour, but you never really feel it until you're hammered!
* * *
"I was checking out a woman in Walmart the other day."
"How 'bout that! I didn't even know the store had any in stock!"
* * *
I got a vasectomy expressly so I wouldn't have any kids. Didn't work... the little creeps were still there when I got back from the hospital.
* * *
"I just love Eminem!"
"Personally, I prefer Skittles."
"Not the candy, dumbass! The rapper!"
"I'm a dumbass?! You're the one eating the wrapper!"
* * *
Turns out I'm related to royalty; my lineage includes members of the Habsburg Dynasty! I just got the information through Incestry.com!
* * *
Teacher: "Little Johnny, which is the shortest month of the year?"
Johnny: "May. It has only three letters."
* * *
My wife just asked me what "mansplaining" means... I don't have the faintest idea what to do now!
* * *
Redhead: "What's the past tense of 'love'?"
Blonde: " 'Leave'."
Brunette: "I don't think so! Past tense would be 'left'."
Blonde: "Nope. He hasn't got anything left."
* * *
My sweet tooth is my master! It demands more chocolate, I give it more chocolate. It demands more caramel, I give it more caramel. That tooth has been in charge of me for decades, making me see to its needs. What it really needs now is more gum.
* * *
The journals of early African explorers often carry reports of terrifying carnivorous trees that swallow humans whole. Today, we know these tales are nonsense. Not that there aren't such plants, but they're all bark, no bite.
* * *
If I could meet any babe from world history, it'd be Joan of Arc! I hear she was super hot!
* * *
Our history studies professor just told us all about Second Punic Warm and man was it bloody! Then again, what else would you expect from a Hannibal lecture!
* * *
My cousin just opened an Italian restaurant expressly for the kinky. It serves nothing but fetishini.
* * *
If you have to become involved with a criminal, make sure it's a shoplifter. They're introspective, not aggressive or violent... always taking stock.
* * *
You know what makes my blood boil? Those darn careless technicians who dial up the intensity too high during radiation treatment!
* * *
Bilbo Baggins celebrated his 111th birthday at the beginning of Lord of the Rings, then survived long enough to sail away with Gandalf to the Undying Lands. I guess it's really true, then... old hobbits die hard.
* * *
My grandfather was a four-star general. Guess his coworkers gave him mostly favorable reviews.
* * *
Q: If we really want to clean up outer space, what's the best way to suck up all the junk the Americans and Russians have shot into orbit?
A: Use a Dyson Sphere.
* * *
My late auntie had chronic halitosis. Even so, she was far and away the sweetest person I have ever known.
* * *
Q: What infectious condition are women more prone to after they marry?
A: Pseudomonas.
* * *
Back when I played for the NHL, my teammates nicknamed me 'Titanic'... not because I was huge, but because I looked magnificent until I hit the ice.
* * *
Despite assertions to the contrary, having seven or eight beers will bring you much closer to reality. The Earth is spinning on its axis at a thousand miles an hour, but you never really feel it until you're hammered!
