Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,919
- Points
- 38
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was chasing after a chicken.
Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have this much in common: you may not understand a word either of them says, but you can bet your life you'll wind up seeing stars.
Mike Tyson refuses to buy a Playstation. He's a confirmed ex-boxer.
Early in his career, Jesus toyed with the idea of becoming a boxer. Wisely, he reconsidered... turned out he was fatally vulnerable to the right cross.
Never get caught in line behind the devil at the planning department. He has many forms.
At the bank today, a little old lady asked a teller to check her balance. Moments later, she was picking herself off the floor.
A lawyer walked into a bar. Well, technically he wasn't a lawyer yet.
A blonde returns to the library.
Blonde: You can have this book back! It's awful! There's so many characters I couldn't even follow the plot!
Librarian: So that's what happened to our phone directory!
Over the weekend I took part in a masturbation contest. Competition was stiff, but I held my own.
Kim Jong-un (after his father's death): It wasn't unexpected. He'd been il his whole life.
Child's note to Santa: Santa, there's only one thing I want for Christmas: a baby brother.
Santa's reply note: A fine request! Send your mom down here and I'll get right to work on it!
There is no divorce at the North Pole. So, when Santa and his wife wanted to break up, they had to get a semi-colon. It's used for separating independent Clauses.
Hillary's email got hacked. Trump immediately vowed to build a firewall.
I have a little quirk: I refer to my toilet as a "jim" rather than a "john". I like to be able to tell people, "I go to the jim first thing every morning."
A family with a small child enters a motel lobby. Dad approaches the clerk and says, "We want a room with three beds and a TV set. And the porn better be disabled!"
The clerk looks up in disgust and replies, "No. It's just regular porn, you weirdo!"
My wife and I are trying to reignite our love life. She sent me out, saying,"Bring back something that makes me look sexy."
I brought back a large bottle of Scotch.
My wife doesn't appreciate jokes about her weight. I wish she'd lighten up.
Jehovah's Witnesses refuse to celebrate Halloween. Who can blame them? No one wants random strangers approaching their houses and knocking at their doors!
The ape-woman Lucy died three million years ago... fell out of a tall tree while stupidly reaching for some juicy fruit. A definite candidate for a Darwin Award!
I may be a famous, award-winning gymnast, but there's a down side. If one more person asks me to do a somersault, I swear I'm gonna flip!
Our town's local artist does his best work in seedy bars and dark alleys. His output is looked upon as sketchy.
I just ate four cans of alphabet soup for lunch. Tomorrow I expect a truly heroic vowel movement!
He was chasing after a chicken.
* * *
Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have this much in common: you may not understand a word either of them says, but you can bet your life you'll wind up seeing stars.
* * *
Mike Tyson refuses to buy a Playstation. He's a confirmed ex-boxer.
* * *
Early in his career, Jesus toyed with the idea of becoming a boxer. Wisely, he reconsidered... turned out he was fatally vulnerable to the right cross.
* * *
Never get caught in line behind the devil at the planning department. He has many forms.
* * *
At the bank today, a little old lady asked a teller to check her balance. Moments later, she was picking herself off the floor.
* * *
A lawyer walked into a bar. Well, technically he wasn't a lawyer yet.
* * *
A blonde returns to the library.
Blonde: You can have this book back! It's awful! There's so many characters I couldn't even follow the plot!
Librarian: So that's what happened to our phone directory!
* * *
Over the weekend I took part in a masturbation contest. Competition was stiff, but I held my own.
* * *
Kim Jong-un (after his father's death): It wasn't unexpected. He'd been il his whole life.
* * *
Child's note to Santa: Santa, there's only one thing I want for Christmas: a baby brother.
Santa's reply note: A fine request! Send your mom down here and I'll get right to work on it!
* * *
There is no divorce at the North Pole. So, when Santa and his wife wanted to break up, they had to get a semi-colon. It's used for separating independent Clauses.
* * *
Hillary's email got hacked. Trump immediately vowed to build a firewall.
* * *
I have a little quirk: I refer to my toilet as a "jim" rather than a "john". I like to be able to tell people, "I go to the jim first thing every morning."
* * *
A family with a small child enters a motel lobby. Dad approaches the clerk and says, "We want a room with three beds and a TV set. And the porn better be disabled!"
The clerk looks up in disgust and replies, "No. It's just regular porn, you weirdo!"
* * *
My wife and I are trying to reignite our love life. She sent me out, saying,"Bring back something that makes me look sexy."
I brought back a large bottle of Scotch.
* * *
My wife doesn't appreciate jokes about her weight. I wish she'd lighten up.
* * *
Jehovah's Witnesses refuse to celebrate Halloween. Who can blame them? No one wants random strangers approaching their houses and knocking at their doors!
* * *
The ape-woman Lucy died three million years ago... fell out of a tall tree while stupidly reaching for some juicy fruit. A definite candidate for a Darwin Award!
* * *
I may be a famous, award-winning gymnast, but there's a down side. If one more person asks me to do a somersault, I swear I'm gonna flip!
* * *
Our town's local artist does his best work in seedy bars and dark alleys. His output is looked upon as sketchy.
* * *
I just ate four cans of alphabet soup for lunch. Tomorrow I expect a truly heroic vowel movement!
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