Friend Advice

[Aimee]

I was going to post this in my blog ... but I wanted a wider range of responses for this because I'm really at a lost at how to help her.

My best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years the other day... for practically the 1 millionth time. Lately she has been feeling like they don't connect anymore, which I agree. He has been treating her like crap and ignoring her feelings because of his bad temper. I applaud her for breaking up with him ... it IS the right thing to do at this point. She's not happy and she should not have to be dealing with this at all. She's too young and too pretty and too independent. I really think she needs to experience the single life for a while.

What scares me is she will go back to him like she always does. I made her PINKY promise me [and everyone knows you can't break those] that she will not call him or pick up any of his calls to her. If she does what basically is going to happen is he will convince her to come back because she has too much sympathy for him. I know this for a fact. It's happened every single time before. Another problem is he will constantly keep calling her and leaving her text messages and voicemails. Just last night she left her phone in the car while we went to ShiSha and she had like 5 missed calls from him, 2 voicemails, and 1 text saying, "Friends talk to each other." The voicemails were pathetic. The first one said, "Clare. We really need to talk. Call me back." The second one just sounded like he was WASTED and could barely make out what he was saying. I caught a few phrases "I still love you" "Call me back whenever" ... just stuff like that. He is not handling this in a mature way at all.

Clearly they need some time apart. I know that. Clare is starting to understand that. But what do I say / what do I do to convince her? It's what she wants and it's what she needs... but she is feeling weak. I've never had a long term relationship. I have no idea how she is feeling right now and therefore I have no idea what to say to her. Last night at ShiSha she was listing all of his flaws .. and I really think that was helping. But it's not enough. This was her first love, first long term boyfriend, first everything. And there is no way they can "just be friends" because they never started out as friends to begin with.

Can anybody help me out on this... or from personal experience share with me what you did? How do I show her she is better off without him and there is somebody better out there for her?

 

[chicago]

Thing is, being that young, girls and guys are both stupid. They don't have experience with real relationships yet and it's often hard to leave someone you have history with even when it's unhealthy.

Unfortunately, you've done all you can do. She knows, you know, maybe even he knows that it's not a good situation, but you can't tell her how to live her life, especially when it comes to boyfriends. Unless he's hurting her physically or something serious like that, in which I would suggest telling her that you can't be around her when she' with him because you don't like seeing her hurt, it's up to her what she wants to do.

Best bet? Tell her what you think (you've already done that) and just let it go. If you push or intrude too much, it may cause problems for you and her.

 

[Marquis De Sade]

IMO, sadly, there's only so much you CAN do.

It ultimately comes down to her realizing that on her own.

Same as any addiction really. It hurts to care so much and you can talk and explain and bust out charts and graphs and rally friends together but until she realizes it on her own, it'll be a temporary fix.

She'll hear you, even UNDERSTAND you on almost every level that makes sense in terms of logic, but that emotional need in her won't be listening.

The best you can do, again IMO, is just be there for her when she needs you and be the great friend it sounds like you already are.

 

[Musicroxmysox]

As much as you want to do something there isn't much you can. Just continue to be the supportive best friend that you are, reminding her of the reasons why she shouldn't go back. It sucks I know, no matter what you do she has to make her own decisions. Try to keep her mind off him by doing stuff, going out, etc...

It's true, the first is really hard to get over even if they were the biggest asshole ever. It sounds though like maybe she is really ready to move on. Hope fully that is true and she will be able to resist him.

Anyway good luck to your friend. I hope she can stick it out.

 

[love feet]

just be there for her!!
DO Not do anything else just be the good friend!!!
because they have spent years together this is going to be hell for her!!!!!!.

 

[Gothika]

As much as you want to do something there isn't much you can. Just continue to be the supportive best friend that you are, reminding her of the reasons why she shouldn't go back. It sucks I know, no matter what you do she has to make her own decisions. Try to keep her mind off him by doing stuff, going out, etc...

It's true, the first is really hard to get over even if they were the biggest asshole ever. It sounds though like maybe she is really ready to move on. Hope fully that is true and she will be able to resist him.

Anyway good luck to your friend. I hope she can stick it out.

well put

i have been throught this with a friend of mine before years ago her boy friend was beating her and treating her like crap she was constantly breaking up with him then going right back to him and no matter what i or anyone else said she still went back it realy sucks last i herd she had another kid with him and was still with him whitch realy sux so just be there for her

 

[TheTickleMonster]

I'm going to sound redundant because everyone else seemst o have said this but I'm going to say it anyways. You can't really do anything. I have a friend that kept doing that on and off again relationship, it's really quite annoying and I told her she shouldn't be doing that because it's not healthy.. they obviously weren't working out if they kept breaking up, but she didnt listen.. I think they're finally finished now but it was annoying while it was still going on...

Your friend needs to decide for herself not to go out with him anymore. You can tell her all you want but if she wants to get back with him, she will. Just try not to be too pushy in trying to convince her not to go back with him becuase she might get mad at you and then get back with him because of that.

 

[waitin2btkled]

The first time there is a break up with someone, shame on them. The second and future times, SHAME ON YOU.

This applies to not only relationships, but work/business, friendships and any type of situation:

When you experience something, you take in new sensations, viewpoint, pleasures, hardships. If you learn from them and move forward, not only do you grow within your relationships/experiences, but also you learn what TO DO in the future.

What is most important to tell your friend is, you also learn what <B><font size = "large">"NOT TO DO" </b></font>

Just like my quote, if you keep taking hits and you don't move forward, then you're STANDING STILL which is why your friend keeps getting back together with him.


I hope that helps. Let me know Aimee

 

[c7_assassin]

I think the pinky-swear-thing was just about the most you could do. People have to make bad decisions on their own sometimes, otherwise they'll never learn.

 

[KrazieDog]

Do I even have to tell you what to do?? Only thing you can do is reassure her she IS strong and be there for her. Basically what you and I have been doing, you do for her. So does this mean she has time for YOU now?! Good luck and im if you need anything.

 

[BlackestLily]

Be sure it doesn't hurt you too. When it comes to poisoning your own life with the drama and overly-caring, you've got to also draw a line somewhere.

I spent 5 years doing this with a friend who was addicted. I was there, I told her to watch it...and she never listened. The more I warned her the more she played the "he said she said" game between me and her latest fling to see who would make her feel more worthy. Sometimes people put themselves in unhealthy situations because they don't have a solid grounding for what a healthy one really is. Until she has something better, she's only going to know what she has as her best one, even through the bad stuff. People tend to forget the worst when someone is trying to help them remember the best. And some are also addicted to the drama and the back and forth.

I cared about her, but I cared enough about myself to know that her unhealthy relationships were leaking into our friendship. She allowed this and wanted it...over a friendship. I couldn't do it anymore, so we are no longer friends.

Just watch yourself too, babe. You've done what you can and been a great friend. No one can ask more of you.

 

[Mister Scruff]

Be sure it doesn't hurt you too. When it comes to poisoning your own life with the drama and overly-caring, you've got to also draw a line somewhere.

This. Especially in cases where a perfect storm of idiotic persistence and foppish flakiness has formed on the horizon.

With people who insist on repeated stupidity there comes a point at which the hugging and comforting must stop, otherwise you're going to lock yourself and her into a parasitic cycle of her being with this bloke, breaking it off, coming crying to you, then going back to him again. That helps nobody, least of all you, because you have to watch this bullshit happen and then take time out of your life to help her deal with it. Nobody likes telling their friends that they're being pathetic, and nobody likes hearing the old "IF YOU WERE A REAL FRIEND YOU'D SUPPORT ME!" line, but by now you shouldn't need to convince her that you're her friend and she desperately needs to be told by someone she cares about that she's being pathetic. Drop that on her; I can almost guarantee you she'll get upset. Let her. Give her time to mull it over on her own, and one of two things will happen. Either she'll come to the realisation that you are her friend and are looking out for her best interests, at which point you can start taking her out to experience the single life and what-have-you.

Or, she'll storm out and go straight back to her ex, at which point you should wash your hands of her. Constantly going through the same shit time after time is just too much to ask of yourself.

 

[Capnmad]

What scares me is she will go back to him like she always does. I made her PINKY promise me [and everyone knows you can't break those] that she will not call him or pick up any of his calls to her.

(EDIT)

Clearly they need some time apart. I know that. Clare is starting to understand that. But what do I say / what do I do to convince her?

Get yourself a large kitchen knife for illustrative purposes, and then remind her of the cost of breaking a Pinky Promise. Once she knows you're serious, you probably won't have to collect. All my friends have been smart and still have their pinkies.

Do us all a favor and keep the Pinky Promise sacred. Somebody has to.

 

[Aimee]

First off ..
Thank you guys for all the responses and advice!
Really made me realize some things about this whole situation.

So does this mean she has time for YOU now?!

More time then ever, actually.
I feel like I am getting my old friend back.
It's really nice ... but at the same time I know
she is hurting and I'm scared this is going to change
her into someone she's not.

The first time there is a break up with someone, shame on them. The second and future times, SHAME ON YOU.

This is very, very true.
The back and forth between Clare and her now ex
was constant and pathetic to be honest.
She's smarter than that to go back to something that is not
making her happy, but love makes you do crazy things I guess.

When you experience something, you take in new sensations, viewpoint, pleasures, hardships. If you learn from them and move forward, not only do you grow within your relationships/experiences, but also you learn what TO DO in the future.

I really like this quote.
I am going to tell Clare this.

Best bet? Tell her what you think (you've already done that) and just let it go. If you push or intrude too much, it may cause problems for you and her.

She is at such a fragile state ...
I'm scared telling her exactly how I feel will make her feel
totally abandoned and then, of course, she'll go back to her ex.

Be sure it doesn't hurt you too. When it comes to poisoning your own life with the drama and overly-caring, you've got to also draw a line somewhere.

You're right.
I never thought about how this is even effecting me.
I love her so much .. she is my best friend. I feel like
it's wrong to actually have thoughts of not being there for her..
but at the same time I will be pretty pissed if she goes back to him.

With people who insist on repeated stupidity there comes a point at which the hugging and comforting must stop, otherwise you're going to lock yourself and her into a parasitic cycle of her being with this bloke, breaking it off, coming crying to you, then going back to him again. That helps nobody, least of all you, because you have to watch this bullshit happen and then take time out of your life to help her deal with it.

Exactly.
She has done this in the past ... it started to seem like
a never ending cycle. I wasn't sure how much more
I could take of the back and forth.
While I will ALWAYS take time out of my day to be there
for her and help her ... there definitely has to be a
stopping point.

Nobody likes telling their friends that they're being pathetic, and nobody likes hearing the old "IF YOU WERE A REAL FRIEND YOU'D SUPPORT ME!" line, but by now you shouldn't need to convince her that you're her friend and she desperately needs to be told by someone she cares about that she's being pathetic. Drop that on her; I can almost guarantee you she'll get upset. Let her. Give her time to mull it over on her own, and one of two things will happen. Either she'll come to the realisation that you are her friend and are looking out for her best interests, at which point you can start taking her out to experience the single life and what-have-you.

Or, she'll storm out and go straight back to her ex, at which point you should wash your hands of her. Constantly going through the same shit time after time is just too much to ask of yourself.

That scares me ... a lot.
Dropping the whole "you're pathetic" bomb doesn't seem
like it would solve anything. In fact, I almost feel like it
would make things so much worse.
She's going through one of the toughest times of her life:
losing her first love. I dunno, though.
This all feels so complicated. I feel like I'm handling this completely wrong.

Get yourself a large kitchen knife for illustrative purposes, and then remind her of the cost of breaking a Pinky Promise. Once she knows you're serious, you probably won't have to collect. All my friends have been smart and still have their pinkies.

Do us all a favor and keep the Pinky Promise sacred. Somebody has to.

hahhahahaha

 

[chicago]

Sounds like you are doing a great job. Every memorable experience changes a person to an extent and she might not be herself for a bit, but she will need you to be honest with her at times especially if she gets too depressed or lashes out at you, etc.

 

[Mister Scruff]

That scares me ... a lot.
Dropping the whole "you're pathetic" bomb doesn't seem
like it would solve anything. In fact, I almost feel like it
would make things so much worse.
She's going through one of the toughest times of her life:
losing her first love. I dunno, though.
This all feels so complicated. I feel like I'm handling this completely wrong

Yeah, it's not nice having to be brutal with your friends, but sometimes they need it. I've had a few home truths dropped on my head in my time and it makes you feel like shit. You get defensive, you get angry, you storm off and you don't speak. Then you realise that whoever said it was doing it for a reason; not a shitty reason, but because they feel you need to confront it, and they feel that you're not doing that, and they just need to say something.

You're doing fine. The fact is you've been through this with her before and you're still around, so your loyalty isn't questionable. All you really need to do is realise that you can't fix this for her, that she needs to fix it for herself, and that your job ends at being a friend and being there for her, and you'll feel a lot better.

 

[steph]

What to do? Nothing.

If you love her like you say you do, stay out of it. Either way you lose. If she dumps him at your urging, she'll always wonder about the future they might have had and then blame you. If she gets back w/him, they'll both resent you for being the wedge that tried to drive them apart.

I know this is hard, but I'm right on this. (Been there.) Best of luck.
XOXO

 

[tommytikl]

Your friend should change her cell phone number and NOT tell the loser, then she won't be constantly hit up all the time and might actually get a chance to see how people should act.

 

[Strider]

My first long term relationship went for six years, we met when I was 21 and she was 18. We carried it on about three years longer than we should have, because we were basically unable to conceive of any other option and terrified of not being with each other. When you are that young, you sort of emotionally freeze at whatever age you were when you started, and because you're so young, and because this is such a new experience for you, it's very, very difficult to recognize when things are done. Unfortunately, the only thing that works is when a couple hits the absolute breaking point, and every single thing they've tried to fix the relationship hasn't worked. At that point, they'll be able to rip the band-aid off.

Sorry if that wasn't really advice for you in the strictest sense of the term, but ultimately, they're going to have to come to this realization on their own.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

Amy I swear we lead parallel lives.

My best friend went through for seven...yes seven years with the same guy. And guess what, nothing any of us said or did helped her at all, mainly because we all supported her leaving him, but when she'd get back with him we experessed our disappointment. Eventually it made her feel like she couldn't come to most of us, because people would, in an attempt to show some "tough love" kind of insult her when she'd get back with him.

When she eventually did kick him for good, she did it on her own terms without any pressure from her friends, and that's probably what Clare is going to have to do. Just be supportive of her. You can express your opinion obviously, but it's gonna be a decision she has to make on her own. If you push her too hard in the other direction she could just push you away.