How do you cope?

[AngelOfDarkness]

I'm curious, how do you cope with that first Christmas after a family death?

 

[kered]

You just cope, honey. It's all you can do.

 

[Carsomyr]

I was only 7 or 8 the last time we had a family death, but as I remember it I decided that I would just focus on celebrating Christmas with the family members that were still there and make the best of it. Of course, that might be hard to do, especially if you are still deep in the mourning process. It still felt pretty empty, but there really wasn't anything else you could do than choose to endure that emptiness.

I'm sorry Angel, I really wish I could contribute with something better than that. But focusing on the loved ones still with you, as well as all the other good things with Christmas, is probably the best thing you can do.

 

[slacker2114]

It's not easy, I can tell you that. I lost my mom two days before X-mas 5 years ago. It sucks just as much now as it did then. There are no tricks to coping. You just have to learn to deal with it. It sounds harsh to say it like that, but there really is no other way. As a friend told me, the pain never goes away. You just learn to live with it.

Sorry I couldn't give you better advice. Hang in there.

 

[Miss Serendipity]

You do the best you can. Its not easy. This is the 3rd Christmas without my aunt and its never been the same without her. It will never be okay that your loved one is gone Angel but I promise you it will get better! Remember the good times and keep your brother's spirit alive. I am sure that it what he would want you to do. I wish I had better words for you but I don't. The truth is there is no right or wrong way to cope, you just get through it as best you can! *hugs*

 

[kered]

^ That's pretty much it Angel. Chey just put it very well.

 

[Angel77]

I'm with Slacker. Last Christmas was the first without my mom but I was just so damn numb that I think I just went through the motions of the holiday and kept myself as busy as I could to help fill any "space." Probably not the best thing to do because I should have just dealt with my feelings but it's what I had to do for myself to get through it. It helped to be with my family though and I know my mom would have wanted us to still celebrate Christmas. This year is harder for me because I'm really feeling her absence and well, I'm just coping the best that I can. If I have a bad day, I just let myself have one. I've been thinking about her a hell of a lot lately and really trying to just focus on the wonderful person she was and it helps. From your posts in the past, your brother seems like he was a great guy as well. I wish you and your family all the best this holiday season

 

[nylonsnfeet]

Chey put it best, sweetheart. We get thru it the best we can. Remember his smile & the times you had together.

I believe, that even in spirit, their wishes for us are to live, laugh, & love.

 

[unclebill]

My heart bleeds for you, sweetheart. To be dealt with the loss of your brother at such a young age is not something you would wish on your worst enemy. No words can sugarcoat what you are going through right now. Celebrate the holidays by spending extra time with your family, and talk about all the good times you had with your brother. Like the others said, it won`t be easy and don`t try to get through this alone. Now more than ever your entire family needs to lean on each other for strength.

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

It's never easy. In my own case, mom went Home the week before Thanksgiving. Then, dad landed in the hospital a few weeks later. So, I spent that first Christmas without her taking care of my dad. It didn't seem like Christmas at all...esp. since Drew was here in CT supporting his mom (since his dad had gone Home a few months earlier)while I was in upstate NY. It was miserable.

How did we get through? We loved those who were still present...those who we don't like as much for the sake of those whom we'd lost. We did what needed to be done out of that love. Then, we moved on to the next day.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you (and with all who've lost a loved one this year).

 

[alchemy]

Fortunately, I haven't had to do that yet. Honestly, I don't know HOW I would cope.

 

[falcon]

You do the best you can. Its not easy. This is the 3rd Christmas without my aunt and its never been the same without her. It will never be okay that your loved one is gone Angel but I promise you it will get better! Remember the good times and keep your brother's spirit alive. I am sure that it what he would want you to do. I wish I had better words for you but I don't. The truth is there is no right or wrong way to cope, you just get through it as best you can! *hugs*

gotta agree here angel. i lost my mom december 22nd of last year. so this would actually be my second christmas without her. was hard on my birthday as well, which is only about a month after christmas. but like chey said, no right or wrong way to grieve or cope. if you want to be sad then do so. nobody can tell you you're wrong for it. if you want to compose a piece in your brother's honor, then do so. nobody and i mean nobody can tell you you're wrong. we love you much kiddo!!

 

[texastickler]

I can tell you this sweetie. I am right there with you. This was my mothers favorite holiday and it is not easy. I know that I am having Christmas the way my mom wanted it. I simply believe you have to find the peace in your heart and mind. It kills me to look around and see everything that reminds me of my Mom. I know she is with me in spirit and that helps me get by. Try remembering good times. That is helping me right now. Creating new memories will help also. I wish there was something to say that would make it easier. It is tough to understand it. It is tough to cope with it. I am sending you a nice Christmas hug. A few of us here know the pain you feel. My door is always open.

 

[venray]

The first year after the loss of a loved one is the hardest....

Every holiday, birthday, anniversary, or special event will remind you that he is not with you to share the time..

The best way to cope is to unite with family members and think about all of the fun and wonderful things he did in life and celebrate his memory together..

It isnt easy and there will be tears...there should be....but the family will pull together and move forward....

Will it get easier with time...no...but it will be different....as each year passes he will still be remembered every day....this will keep him with you always in your heart and mind....he will forever be a part of you....

There will be times when you think of him and cry, and others when you smile or laugh out loud....hold all of these times close to your heart and enjoy the memories that pop into your head in seemingly random moments...

Pm me if you like.....

ILY

 

[tommytikl]

Damn, Isn't this why TMF Rocks!!

Good peeps above said it way better than I could have AngelOfDarkness.

 

[ticklemepls]

Angel-

As stated already, the first holidays and such are always the hardest.... no 2 people are the same, and everyone needs to deal with the pain/emptiness differently- My Dad died less than a month before Christmas, so we were still pretty much in shock... the second Christmas was actually harder for me.... and for me, it wasnt until after all the hoopla was done and over with and all was quiet that it hit me... and thats when you do what you have to do in order to help yourself... For me, it was being alone for a while with music and remembering all the time I had with him- everyone is different... Sorry I cant be more help though ***HUGS***

 

[Borg Perfection]

I'm curious, how do you cope with that first Christmas after a family death?

As the borg say: "You will adapt."

I lost my mother a few years ago, to a violent and undignified death. Christmas came, and went, and I am still here strong.

You will be too.

You cope by digging as deep down inside of yourself as you can, and you keep breathing, and pushing and fighting in their honor.

The pain will always be stuck inside of you, but just as with lifting weights, over time even the heaviest burden becomes possible to carry.

Never give in, and keep pushing. Don't let your loved one down by giving up.

If at first you can only lift 5 lbs; you lift 5 lbs until you can lift 6. If at first you can only get through one minute; you get through one minute and then the next, and then one day, and so forth until you are strong again.

You will get through this.

But I'm only a priveleged caucasian, so what do I know about struggle? Perhaps someone who lives in the "hood" can offer better advice lol

 

[QBWeaver]

Oh I can relate so much.

My mom died on Christmas Eve in 2004. This will be the 5th year since she died and yet it seems like just yesterday.

We knew she was going to die due to a brain tumor, we just didn't expect her to go so soon as she had no signs of failing that last week. She had no pain at all and was just fine - walking around and cooking and reading. The only inkling was her talking to me on the 23rd about heaven and those who had passed and looking forward to seeing them again. She went to sleep that night laughing about something funny and was in a coma in the morning. She passed the evening of the 24th with us around her bed as the priest was blessing her. She died just as she lived - a class act.

That next day, Christmas day, didn't feel jolly at all. A few weeks before Christmas Mom and I went shopping. She bought special ornaments for everyone since she knew this would be her last. We cried quite a but opening the ornaments but spent most of the day recalling the fun and silly things Mom always did at the holidays.

It will be painful for you but just know that they are still around and will be there with you even during the Christmas celebration. They would want you to remember them in only the best and nicest ways and to celebrate all the Christmas holidays you DID have with them.

It will get easier but you will always miss them. Every year at 5:15 pm I think of Mom and remember watching her take her last breath. Oh I miss her so but I know she's still around me. Sounds weird I know but she makes her presence known by the smell of her perfume or a bright light that shows up for no reason. Watch for the signs. I bet you'll see something and wonder if it's them. It is. They'll be there.

And it's ok to Cry. Let it out! It's just Liquid Love!

Merry Christmas and God Bless your Family!