I think I may be traumatised...

[pfromptown]

Does anyone remember when I posted this, in 2010?

http://www.ticklingforum.com/showth...something-as-*******-stupid-as-I-ve-just-done


I would wager that not many people will remember it but the situation basically was that I accidentally genuinely tickle tortured my girlfriend for a few minutes early in our relationship, by attaching a device to her, leaving it turned on and leaving the room for a few minutes, resulting in her becoming totally overcome with fear and anxiety and choking (See the thread for more details). Starting the above thread was massively helpful to me in coming to terms with what I had done, being able to vent to people who knew the implications of my actions and were able to give me experienced advice on how to deal with it and how to avoid making any similar mistakes in the future. My girlfriend, after an understandable period of reticence towards the idea of play, eventually moved past what happened and is a perfectly willing 'lee now, as she was before the incident.

The only problem is, I don't think I'm a willing 'ler any more.

I have tried on numerous occasions since the incident to tie her up and tickle her (Usually at her request), but I just can't bring myself to find it sexy after what happened. Before the incident I was tying her up as soon as we had the house to ourselves (We lived with our respective parents at the time; we live together now) on pretty much every possible occasion. We were in the full throes of sexual exploration, with her learning to love the fact that my fetish complemented hers (Being generally dominated) and me 'living the dream' of having a beautiful woman who is in love with me and is not only willing to satisfy my sexual needs, is getting into it herself. It was going so perfectly, "Pre-Incident", but now it's a different story. She is still just as sweet and beautiful as she always has been, and makes a huge amount of effort to ensure that her feet are always looking good for me (They are divine), but 9 times out of 10 when we're having sex I will show no proclivity for tying her up and on the rare (And I mean RARE) occasion that I do, as soon as she's tied up, I just think about getting it over with quickly so we can have sex, mostly due to the fact that as soon as I tie her up, I hear her screams in my head again and again, I almost feel like I'm suffering with PTSD or some related disorder, I am starting to think that I am genuinely traumatised. I have tried to 'give it time' but if 5 years isn't enough time, then I don't know what is. This has been driving me crazy for a long time now, I don't usually post on here any more but I feel like I have to ask for advice/help because I can't discuss it with anybody else "In the real world" - only one friend knows about my fetish and didn't know what to say to me when I told him what the problem is (How would he?).

So has anyone gone through this or know of someone who has? What the fuck am I supposed to do? Am I ever going to get over this?

 

[Myriads]

What you have done to yourself is provided a very well tailored dose of aversion therapy to yourself. And it's worked.

Why? Hard to say at remove, but it seems fairly clear that you have a very distinct and well based set of moral boundaries. These are what caused you to feel so badly over your error five years ago. Which is what they are designed to do, provide a boundary to your behavior and action set. Our morals are what reel us back when we go to far.

Yours as they are structured yanked you back good and hard.

Which is a good thing. They stopped you from being a person you have no desire to be. You have no desire to cause real harm or distress to your loved one.

So in your hierarchy of behavior not harming comes before 'fun time' and thus your desires to play have been trumped out.

or you could be punishing yourself for what you accidentally did, and now denying yourself what you like(d) to make up for what you did.

Psychology at a distance is crap. I can only toss up general cases for what may be going on.

Will you get over it? You probably can. It will involve you looking at yourself honestly, and perhaps forgiving yourself, something it seems your partner did. But we tend to be harder on ourselves then others. You need a reason to want to play that is stronger then the aversion you may have installed. I'd say that your partner wants to be Dominated and deeply enjoys that would be your best path in. You want to please her, so do so.

Many Dom's experience what you have. As they learn they fuck up. It's human. They cause physical mental or emotional pain they did not intend. Some retreat as a result afraid to play anymore based on their moral compass. I tend to think of these folks as Highly Ethical Doms and it's a good thing that that have that compass, but it can be a bit too strong on occasion, and and after all has been talked thru and handled getting back into the game is called for.

You bent your psychology. It will take a bit to unbend it. And it will never be quite the same. But you can find paths that mirror and provide the same fun and thrills that you once enjoyed. You are simply wiser and more experienced now. And that is called learning.

Myriads

 

[TKLVR18]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you and yours, buddy.

Myr, as usual, hits the nail on the head. What happened has made you afraid of a thing you used to enjoy. One-trial learning is a very powerful thing, and it's undoable but not easily so. What you need to do is have enough positive experiences with domming her that you start to trust yourself again.

Try doing milder things at first before you go back to bondage. Roll around in bed together, add in a little bit of tickling. Maybe 'command' her to lie as still as she can while you tickle/tease her for a while--that way there's no danger because she's technically capable of moving. Building trust isn't a thing done quickly, even when it's trusts with yourself.

She still trusts you, and still desires for you to be your confident, dominating self. She obviously loves you. You need to let yourself let it go and forget about it--what's done is done, and the only person that was hurt has forgiven you. Believe me, I understand what it's like to not forgive yourself for something you did wrong, I'm terrible for it myself.

Get a few positive experiences with it under your belt, and focus on those. You may want to add in a little something extra spicy for you to try to counterbalance the negativity. Keep in mind that she loves you and doesn't hold it against you too, that's really a big deal. Focus on that more than the guilt, if you can, and it can start to heal.

~K

 

[berlinerbaer]

I agree with what has been said, and I would like to add the suggestion (pun intented) that you seek help by a hypno therapist. I would think that s/he might help you to unconnect the activity of tying up your partner to the miserable feeling you are re-living every time.

 

[Vanillaphant]

One can only speculate obviously, but I would imagine it’s less a question of trauma and more (as Myriads indicated with his comment about aversion therapy) a question of negative association: after all, if your girlfriend got over it, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t, too. Pre-incident you associated tickling your girlfriend with sexual pleasure/excitement; post-incident you have, so it would seem, come to associate it with her fear and extreme discomfort, and, perhaps more saliently, your own self-punishing feelings of guilt, remorse, perhaps even unworthiness – which have put the kibosh on your tickling desires, at least where this scenario is concerned anyway.

Having said all that, if when she's tied up you genuinely hear screaming in your head, and it's like a proper flashback where reality takes a backseat and you are, in effect, reliving that experience... That would be more serious, of course. (I just assumed - perhaps incorrectly, I don't know - that you were engaging in hyperbole with that remark.)

At any rate, I think if you haven’t communicated this stuff to your girlfriend (recently, I mean), then that might be a good place to start. I mean, the people on this forum can reassure you and tell you that we all make mistakes etc, but it seems to me that what you really need is for your girlfriend to make you understand once and for all that she has forgiven you, that she’s over what happened, that she still trusts you and wants you to tickle her: something she can only do if you’re willing to hear it. And then you might begin to move on.

And obviously, because she loves you, she should be willing to let you tickle lots of other women – guilt-free – as a way of regaining your confidence as a ‘ler. (Joke, obviously. Just keeping the ol’ moral police on their toes lol.)

Hope things work out for you anyway.

 

[DontAskJusTckle]

There is no mystery here. What you're experiencing is a rare anomaly known as Having a Conscience. It hurts you that she suffered and that you were the cause of it. This is a GOOD thing. It means you are a decent human being.

I like tickling, both giving and receiving. Love it, in fact. But frankly, the idea of tying down a woman and tickling her to the point of torture sickens me. That somebody could take delight or derive sexual pleasure in somebody else's misery is the very definition of evil, in my opinion.

I laud you and your conscientious objection, Mr. Fromptown. Let's hope others follow your example and grow a conscience as well.

 

[MuadDib211]

Listen, I'm no expert here... Been lurking for years, with little actual, physical experience to speak of in these matters, but I will agree with just about everything said here already. And let's not overlook the fact that it's five years later, and she's still with you! That should say something about her love fr you, and willingness to work through it. And perhaps it's as DontAsk said above, you have a conscience. I'm not going to derail this thread with my own issues, but I feel I may be vaguely familiar with that sentiment (but your circumstances and perspective are purely your own). For me, it's tough to balance wanting to tickle someone, but still worry about their comfort level. Me, I'm too nice.

I've read your thread from 2010. It really just sounds like you made an honest mistake, and feel awful about it, even to this day... I'm not, nor have I ever been in that specific situation, so I can't speak to that.

For what it's worth, I like what Vanillaphant said as well... It's not up to us to convince you. If she's okay with it, then that's for her to communicate to you, and for you to believe. Doesn't sound like it's easy for you, and I wish you the best in this.

Listen man, it's a tough situation. I empathize with what I can perceive as only a part of the situation. I hope it works out for you. But in a very round about way, I guess the point I'd really like to make is that ultimately, you have a girlfriend who loves you, and is willing to work this out with you. That's HUGE! It's five years later, and she's still there with you! Let that be a testament to what you two can do together to work through your problems.

I hope all turns out well for you!

 

[TicklishBlackGuy]

First thing is maybe some therapy or open yourself to talk about it with your spouse as well. Let her reassure you and let her help you. Yes you made a mistake but sometimes thing like that will make us loose confidence and scare us that it may happen again. Don't give into that, try and keep the fun, because you have scared yourself now the fun you once had is gone. You feel aweful, sad, your angry with yourself as well. Therapy, talking these things out, and getting yourself back into the grove are ways you can help yourself.

 

[Wolf]

You made a mistake (it happens to everyone, to be sure) and something bad happened to her. She has forgiven you, and moved past it. You're lucky.
It's good that you feel bad about what happened; it means you're a decent person, and you care about her. But no amount of feeling bad or punishing yourself will make it un-happen, and it's not her responsibility to make you feel better about it. She's done her part already, and moved forward in your relationship. It's up to you whether you want to join here there, or to keep dwelling on the past. You seem to be very well aware of how fortunate you are. How much more time are you wiling to waste feeling bad, when you could be enjoying what you have?

 

[Amanda Cortez]

Well, tickle her without bondage in a sensual way. This is fun too ^_^

 

[TicklishBlackGuy]

Well, tickle her without bondage in a sensual way. This is fun too ^_^

^ that too is an awesome idea. Don't always need bondage to have some good fun, free stylin is just as fun

 

[C.A.B.]

...But frankly, the idea of tying down a woman and tickling her to the point of torture sickens me. That somebody could take delight or derive sexual pleasure in somebody else's misery is the very definition of evil, in my opinion.

oh! Thank You!

 

[DontAskJusTckle]

oh! Thank You!

 

[pfromptown]

I don't want to go off the deep end here, and I'm sorry to bump this thread but I'd just like to put on record my thanks to everyone who replied to this when I posted it last year.

As you can probably tell from the first post, I was going through some pretty rough shit around this time - both sexually and generally - and replying to things was not my strong suit, but I would like you guys to know that I digested and considered every response in this thread in my head around the time that I was mulling the issue over (aka obsessing!), and everything that everyone put, seriously or otherwise, really helped me get past the issue a great deal. I did feel rude for not telling you all what a palpable difference this little thread made, and hopefully this can operate under the "better late than never" sphere! For me, this is the most fundamental function of a community: to help other people when they need it, and you guys succeeded in that to a considerable degree, so my gratitude will be forever yours.

For anyone who may be reading this for "educational" purposes, for what it's worth I engaged with Therapy not long after this thread was originally started and whilst I didn't tackle the issue head-on with my therapist, having an intense course of therapy really proved life-changing for me, in that I now have much more confidence in myself both outwardly and, most importantly, inwardly. I have learned the art of compassionate thinking towards oneself which has literally saved my life (I'll let you read into that what you want...) and turned me into a more positive, well-balanced person all-round. So if anyone reading this is going through what I went through or something similar I would like you to know that if I can get over something like this, then anybody can.

Thanks again guys

Pfromptown

 

[TKLVR18]

I don't want to go off the deep end here, and I'm sorry to bump this thread but I'd just like to put on record my thanks to everyone who replied to this when I posted it last year.

As you can probably tell from the first post, I was going through some pretty rough shit around this time - both sexually and generally - and replying to things was not my strong suit, but I would like you guys to know that I digested and considered every response in this thread in my head around the time that I was mulling the issue over (aka obsessing!), and everything that everyone put, seriously or otherwise, really helped me get past the issue a great deal. I did feel rude for not telling you all what a palpable difference this little thread made, and hopefully this can operate under the "better late than never" sphere! For me, this is the most fundamental function of a community: to help other people when they need it, and you guys succeeded in that to a considerable degree, so my gratitude will be forever yours.

For anyone who may be reading this for "educational" purposes, for what it's worth I engaged with Therapy not long after this thread was originally started and whilst I didn't tackle the issue head-on with my therapist, having an intense course of therapy really proved life-changing for me, in that I now have much more confidence in myself both outwardly and, most importantly, inwardly. I have learned the art of compassionate thinking towards oneself which has literally saved my life (I'll let you read into that what you want...) and turned me into a more positive, well-balanced person all-round. So if anyone reading this is going through what I went through or something similar I would like you to know that if I can get over something like this, then anybody can.

Thanks again guys

Pfromptown

Hey, that's absolutely fantastic! Don't worry about not replying for a year, that's a thing that happens when real life gets complicated and we all get it. As a talk therapist myself (trained, haven't found anyone willing to pay me yet, though I do it a lot in my spare time anyway ) I'm SO glad to hear you got help with some of your negative mental processes! Congratulations, getting help is often the hardest part. So glad to hear you're doing better ^__^

~K