I'd like a few opinions please...

[Soulfly]

Okay. I'm gonna make it short and sweet. I have an older brother who basically has done nothing but take advantage of my dad and I for the last 15 years. He is 32 years old, still lives at home, does drugs, and won't keep a job. He has 2 kids that half of the time we end up watching for him. He has taken my belongings and pawned them for drug money, even when he had his own money, which he blew on God knows what. He has taken my dad's credit card countless times and has used it against my dad's will. The only reason my dad won't turn him in to the police is because of the kids, and the fact that he is his son. He takes advantage of my dad and I every chance he gets. Takes my car without asking, takes money from my wallet ect...

He always has this victim mentality that pisses me off. Bottom line, he is the most selfish human being that I have ever met, and I am starting to truly hate him. How does he think he is the victim when all he does is cause problems for others? I honestly don't know what to do... My dad won't grow a backbone even though he is the one that suffers the most from all of this.

Whats worse, is I never confront him about these issues. I am by nature a very peacful person and I don't like confrontation. I simply can't handle being taken advantage of anymore. I feel like I'm gonna go crazy. How should I confront him? I know he gets VERY defensive... and I'm afraid I'll lose my temper once I hear one of his bullshit excuses.

What can I do? What do you think I should do?

 

[Redmage]

Your dad's business is his business. Yours is yours.

I can't advise you on how to keep your temper. If you want to call your brother on the carpet for all of this then go ahead. But judging from your description I don't think it will do much good. Perhaps a better option would be to assemble as much proof as you can, especially of anything that your brother has stolen from you. If you can find evidence of his credit card fraud against your father, so much the better. Then turn him into the police yourself unless there's a really good reason not to.

As for the kids, well, if you and your folks end up watching them anyway then it won't make too much difference with your brother in jail.

Don't threaten him. Don't bargain with him. Just turn him in.

 

[kered]

Sorry about your situation. It sounds like it is mainly up to your dad to help your brother. Get him aside and ask how much longer he's going to stand by and let bro poison himself and drag you and dad to financial ruin. If bro gets arrested dad's got the kids anyway(or the state). If bro needs a fix will he not stop short of hurting dad or you to get money or something to sell for his habit. These are hard questions you guys have to face. Your brother needs help and I'm afraid it's up to you two or the police. He has to face it also or something bad is sure to happen. It's either that or buy a floor mounted 1500lb safe to put your wallets, credit cards, and personal papers into. I know that sounds callous but you are in a tough situation that won't fix itself.

 

[slacker2114]

Leaving you and your dad aside, think about those kids. They don't need to be around someone like that, whether it's their father or not. Turn his ass in and get him away from those kids before he ruins their lives too.

Other options? Well, a baseball bat tends to be rather persuasive.

 

[sole seeker]

I sympathize with your problem. There've been some very perceptive opinions on this thread, IMHO. Some points I'd like to bring up...

1. You can't help someone who doesn't want help. This includes drug/alcohol abuse.
2. I don't think the legal system will prosecute him for using your dad's credit cards, unless your dad will swear out the complaint.
3. What lessons do you think your brother's kids are learning from watching their dad?

I'll bet you a real large chunk of money that at least one of the kids will turn out just like him. If no other adult family member will move to protect them and the quality of their future lives, I'd say it's up to you.

I suggest you turn him in for the narcotics. What have you got to lose? I'd bet it's not going to bother you overly much if he gets mad and quits asking you for handouts.

You may (or may not) feel a little guilty about it, but the alternative is to feel guilty about not stepping in when those kids become adults and their lives are as screwed up as his is now. They're your family, and in my view that makes it your obligation. (I'm an old fart. That's just the way I was brought up.)

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[TicklishSinner]

Im sorry to hear about that situation, but unfortunetly your dad feels strong about his opinions, but that doesnt stop you from turning him in, I mean forget the money and all those kids dont need to be around that stuff. Unfortunetly it is a hard decision to make because that is family, but you gotta think about the bigger picture..hope that helped

 

[Oddjob0226]

Quit being "peacful" and bring up the issue that is so obviously there. Bring it up with your brother ( it doesn't have to be a 'confrontation' ). If that goes nowhere, bring it up with your dad. If that goes nowhere, Bright it up with the cops. It might saev your stuff from getiing stolen, it might save your brother's life, and it might save his children's lives (you know, so they don't grow up around drugs and theft AND adults who do nothing about drugs and theft because they see themselves as helpess victims, so when those kids follow what they have been taught and people remark about how they 'choose to be bad' without ever thinking about from whence this badness came from - let's make some attempt to avide that at lest, whether the attempt succedes or not).

 

[stloldg]

I been where you’re going, 2 of my brothers are crack heads and they’re over 50, my wife’s sister was a crack head and her oldest brother is still a crack head for the last 25 years, and he also over 50.

In my wife case, her brother and sister has stolen from both the mother and the dying father, the sister threaten to hit her mother and aunts in the head with a claw hammer on the day of their other sister funeral . and the brother stole from my sons when they was 11 and 4 year old, to this day he can’t look me in the eyes because he know I want to hurt his badly for it.

The mother would allow them back into the house, and they would just do the same thing over and over again, it wasn’t until the mother decided to stop allowing them into her home after the father has passed away and they have stolen cars, diamond rings, fur coats, so on ….

Once she closed the door to them the sister took about a year of so before she got her act together it’s been 10 years since she had a drink and used drugs. But, the brother found someone else to take care of him, just like my 2 brother has.

The simplest thing to do is away the hardest; you have to take care of yourself, from what I read your father has the same problem my mother-in-law had, they still trying to raise grown ass people. Maybe because he feels it’s his fault that he using drugs. I’m not sure, but until your father decided to take a stand and keep him out of the house nothing will change. Tough Love is what they call it.

As for you, you can’t raise grown ass people, your barely over the age of adulthood yourself, take care of yourself, get your educations, find a job, and move into your own place. Don’t allow your brother to enter it until he gets his life together.

I’ll pray that your situation resolve itself in a peaceful way.

 

[Strider]

I have to agree with the sentiment that in the end, your dad is really the only one who has the power to put an end to this because he's the one allowing your brother to live with him and making it easy for him to continue doing what he's doing.

 

[tulipangel]

Hey listen, I have a 36 yr old sister JUST LIKE THIS! If you ever want to talk, PM me..... I REALLY know how you feel!

 

[Mastertank1]

An addict is not a person you can deal with.

You are not dealing with the brother you once loved, you are dealing with a drug habit which has taken the place of the person who once lived in that body. The drug habit is in control, not the person you knew. That drug habit will tell any lie, use any excuse, try any manipulation, resort to any crime including violence to keep on getting the fix they need on time. They don't really want help, they just want to keep getting the drug.
He is using your consideration for him and his kids as a tool to stave any action on your part that might interfere with his acess to the drug.
First thing to do; notify local child welfare services or the equivalent, and get the kids removed from his custody, probably from the household. It's the best thing you can do for them, and will remove one of the tools he uses against you and your father.
If your dad asks for custody, a responsible family court judge will make it a condition that your brother be ejected from the household before the children can live there, and may make visitation rights conditional on your brother completing a detox/rehab program, if you make sure that the drug use problem is called to the court's attention.
Confronting the addict is useless. I've dealt with enough addicts to know that in their own mind, they believe that every theft, every fraud they committed was justified, because they 'have to have' the drug and they 'have a right' to enough money to cover the drug and their other needs and you and the other victims 'have no right' to deny him what he 'has a right to'. That's what goes on in their minds.
Bottom line, if you cannot get him out of the household permanently, you'll have to remove yourself and all your property from the household and live on your own, and deny your brother ANY access to your new residence, in simple self defense. Bear in mind that at some point, if he knows where you live and needs maney badly, he'll break and enter and burglarize, convincing himself that you won't turn him in. At that point, the best thing you can do FOR HIM will be to call the cops, have him arrested, and the court will probably order rehab detox, either with or instead of jail time, and your dad will be out of the decision loop at that point.
Mastertank1

We who play and dance are thought mad by they who hear no music.

 

[tkrexx]

There's one thing I haven't seen mentioned in this thread.

IF you turn your ol' bro in (And I support this, especially in terms of [And it rankles to agree with Slacker] his kids), YOU must be ready to make peace with your Father, as well as the rest of the family. YOU will be the bad guy. Your Brother will have one more notch in his "Victim" belt, and there will be sour grapes between the 2 of you for years. Not trying to talk you out of it, just preparing you for some uglies that will come from your good intentions.

Rxx

 

[Soulfly]

There's one thing I haven't seen mentioned in this thread.

IF you turn your ol' bro in (And I support this, especially in terms of [And it rankles to agree with Slacker] his kids), YOU must be ready to make peace with your Father, as well as the rest of the family. YOU will be the bad guy. Your Brother will have one more notch in his "Victim" belt, and there will be sour grapes between the 2 of you for years. Not trying to talk you out of it, just preparing you for some uglies that will come from your good intentions.

Rxx

That crossed my mind late last night... I'd like to thank everyone for the advice. I know what I need to do, but that doesn't make it any easier. This has got to be the toughest situation I've ever had to face in my life. I feel a certain degree of sorrow for him, and I'd like to try and help him, but he won't listen. I just know that if left unsolved, this problem will continue to grow and grow. I think I'll start gathering evidence, and I'm going to talk this over with my dad. Once again, thank you all.

 

[kcantankerous]

Yo you should cut him off. In all seriousness he's already at the point of no return. This is assuming that you can leave. If not do what you can to make him disappear legally.

 

[tulipangel]

I feel you! I once had to call the cops on my dad when I knew he was leaving a bar cause I knew he was drunk driving AGAIN! He was mad but now is clean and knows what I did hurt but it was for his own good.... What if he hurt someone else? I couldnt live with knowing MY loved one hurt someone and I could have stopped it! You have to do what you feel is right! In the end your Bro will see what you did was to better him not hurt him!

 

[kis123]

I don't want to appear harsh, but desparate times require desparate measures so here it goes........

I said this about someone in another thread and it bears repeating:

You have to do whatever it takes to make the bleeding stop!! If it means turning your brother's drug-addicted, sorry, dusty ass in, then so be it!! It may end up being the biggest wake up call in his life!

You and your family have been enablers, meaning that you have enabled him to live like he has been living. You have to take the heat in order to save your family.

I was once like you, would rather live in silence (masqueradering as peace) then to be the one to upset the family apple cart. You're going to just have to suck it up and deal with the fallout. You are a helluva lot stronger than you think-stop letting people manipulate you and do what you need to do in order to obtain REAL peace!

It's time to get real, and get real mad! Make the bleeding stop! It'll hurt a lot in the beginning, but everyone will thank you in the end for being the one with enough backbone to stand up to the family nightmare and make him see himself and the mess he's created for everyone!

 

[TKpervert]

He has taken my belongings and pawned them for drug money, even when he had his own money, which he blew on God knows what. He has taken my dad's credit card countless times and has used it against my dad's will.

You have a 32 year old child for an older brother. He won't change, these super-annuated children never do.
First take steps to protect the kids and their future, then get rid of this loser however you must.
If you don't do it now, it will just continue to escalate and ruin all your lives.
Take some action.