Lost a friend

[maureen28]

I need your help. I know I'm fairly new here, but I was just hoping for some comfort. I lost a friend a couple of weeks ago (he had a stroke) and he was like a dad to me. We would talk all the time and he would help me through any problems I had. His memorial was hard to get through, I couldn't stop crying, there were pictures of him everywhere (he was cremated). Now I can't think about him without crying, I can't listen to certain songs because they remind me of him. Any advice, anyone??

 

[unit5610]

I lost my mom in January, though she had been ill for a long time. I try to remember the good times and all the stuff that I learned from her and take that with me, so that I still have part of her that way. It's very hard to lose someone like your friend and it will be a slow process but celebrate his life and use what you've learned and gained from your friendship with him.

 

[Aachen1983]

Just remember all the good times. Cry, and cry a lot. It doesn't hurt any and is actually good for grieving.

 

[terorizer]

I feel for your loss. Unfortunately there are no easy quick answers for the grieving process. You've gotten some good advice so far, and FWIW I found these links sites that deal with coping with loss.

www.CaringInfo.org
www.griefhealing.com/
www.webhealing.com/
www.grief-recovery.com/

 

[Mastertank1]

I have been there

At 57, I am an orphan with no grandparents, and by the eldest survivor of my family. The advice above is good. It just takes time, and the more you let it out, the shorter that time will be. I'm in Pittsburgh PA, if you need a shoulder to cry on, and only that, nothing more, let me know, maybe we can arrange something. If you just need to vent, PM me, and I'll reply as soon as I see it.
Mitch
aka
Mastertank1

 

[aun_existe_amor]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm going through something similar right now. My friend is in the last stages of terminal cancer. Although I'm trained in palliative care it doesn't make it any easier when it's someone close to you. My parents and grandparents had died by the time I was 20 and I've been left to look after my brother and sister who both have learning disabilities. My friend was always there to help me if I ever needed anything. I feel alone and scared right now. My fiance is thousands of miles away from me until April. I feel that I have no one to turn to. I have to cope and carry on for my 7 year old daughter. Everything feels so hard. Too hard. I need to someone to help me but there is no one there. I've always been a strong person but I don't feel strong anymore. I looked after both my parents at home until they died. I had no choice but to look after my dad, he was physically disabled and my mum had a learning disability. My dad used to look after mum but he got too ill to do it after he had a heart attack and stroke so I looked after everyone until he died when I was ten. Then it was my job to fully take over until I nursed my my at home until she died of cancer when I was 20. I've always had my friend to turn to. Everyone needs someone. I used to be strong and could cope with anything but now I feel so alone and not able to cope. My brother and sister aren't getting any better and have a mental age of younger than my 7 year old daughter. The sad thing is that even my daughter now tells them to stop messing about and asks if they've eaten, if they've brushed their teeth and wearing clean clothes. I don't want her to take over my role as a carer for them but she already is without me even asking her to. It comes naturally to her as it did to me. It's sad but it's all she's ever known. I wish someone would just put their arms around me and tell me that everything will be ok.

 

[aun_existe_amor]

Maureen, I'm sorry I said all that in your thread. I am feeling particularly low today and let my feelings pour out but that's no excuse. You are rightfully looking to us for some support and I'm sure that the friendly people here will do all they can to support you through this difficult time. If there is anything I can do or you just fancy a girly chat my PM door is open to you. I promise not to moan on

 

[ticklishscribe]

I know exactly how you feel...

My mother died a year and a half ago of a stroke, and she was ill for a couple of years before that. I miss her so much and burst into tears every so often when I think of her. This passage was a part of my monthly newspaper Environmental colum, of which the month after she died I dedicated one colum to her.

"As she was dying, I was with her and had the chance to reflect and remember all that we had been through and what we meant to each other. Thinking of her as I looked out her hospital window at the starry sky, I knew that one of those stars would be hers. I knew that she would be up there to comfort me and to help guide me."

Certain songs remind me of her and it the one below especially that does most.

"Wish I could whistle down the Northern Lights
And send them dancing all across the night
Maybe then when all the sky was blazing
Maybe then I'd feel you somewhere
gazing at a star
and you could feel me too
as I say goodbye to you
It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you

Wish I could turn us back to yesterday
The gods above would look the other way
Maybe then we still could laugh together
Maybe then it could be spring forever and a day
But I must face the truth and say goodbye to you
It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you

Wish I could whistle down the Northern Lights
And send them dancing all across the night
Maybe then in my memories for saving
One last time you're on a hill waving from afar
One last glance or two and I'll say good bye to you
It breaks my heart in two, to say goodbye to you"

Sung by Aselin Debison.

I miss my mother very much and I know that I had the best mother in the world.

I hope that this message comforts you... I am here if you need to talk.​

 

[Butterfly wings]

I'm so sorry for your loss maureen. You will be in my prayers and thoughts. It's very tough and hard to lose anybod let alone a close friend that was like a dad to you. I will be praying for you and for your friends family and friends.

God Bless You

 

[slacker2114]

I understand and feel your sorrow, maureen. In 2004, I lost my grandmom and my mom within a month of each other. Take it from me, the pain you feel now will seem the most horrible sensation that you've ever felt. But as time passes, though you still feel the ache from their absence (that will never go away) you will find yourself instead of mourning them, thinking fondly of them. Remembering fun times, things you talked about and the like. It is a very difficult thing to lose a loved one. But it IS a fact of life and though we never can ever fully be braced for such a thing, we learn to cope the best we can. It seems hard, it hurts alot, but we persevere because we must. Think of your friend fondly and know that having been a part of his life has made you a stronger and better person. And thru you, your friend will live forever.

 

[Sultrybrunette]

Maureen....It will take a long time but the pain will become less. Hugs. Hang in there and work through it. Just remember that friend will always be there in your heart.

 

[Sultrybrunette]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm going through something similar right now. My friend is in the last stages of terminal cancer. Although I'm trained in palliative care it doesn't make it any easier when it's someone close to you. My parents and grandparents had died by the time I was 20 and I've been left to look after my brother and sister who both have learning disabilities. My friend was always there to help me if I ever needed anything. I feel alone and scared right now. My fiance is thousands of miles away from me until April. I feel that I have no one to turn to. I have to cope and carry on for my 7 year old daughter. Everything feels so hard. Too hard. I need to someone to help me but there is no one there. I've always been a strong person but I don't feel strong anymore. I looked after both my parents at home until they died. I had no choice but to look after my dad, he was physically disabled and my mum had a learning disability. My dad used to look after mum but he got too ill to do it after he had a heart attack and stroke so I looked after everyone until he died when I was ten. Then it was my job to fully take over until I nursed my my at home until she died of cancer when I was 20. I've always had my friend to turn to. Everyone needs someone. I used to be strong and could cope with anything but now I feel so alone and not able to cope. My brother and sister aren't getting any better and have a mental age of younger than my 7 year old daughter. The sad thing is that even my daughter now tells them to stop messing about and asks if they've eaten, if they've brushed their teeth and wearing clean clothes. I don't want her to take over my role as a carer for them but she already is without me even asking her to. It comes naturally to her as it did to me. It's sad but it's all she's ever known. I wish someone would just put their arms around me and tell me that everything will be ok.

Hugging Aun tight. Awwww hon. I am sorry that your having such a difficult time. I wondered why I hadn't seen you in the room in awhile. I wish I could be there to help you. You know I would. The bad part of the internet and living so far away from your friends is that there is frustation that you cant help them when they are in need. But know that I am sending you warm thoughts. I have missed you. Pm me if you ever need to vent.

 

[isabeau]

maureen hon its ok to cry and play songs that remind you.. the loss is still very fresh in your mind. it will get easier believe me i know this. i wouldnt say it if i hadnt been there myself. both my parents are dead also, my dad nine years ago. and ooo how i missed him. i would sing a song i made up about him after he died and cry. but happy tears after a while, because his suffering was over. hon its hard and will take time there are various stages of grief.

i'm a pm away if ever youu need advice or just to vent.

and Aun existe same goes for you hon. im truly sorry and you can pm me anytime you wish also.

love you both xoxo

isabeau

 

[aun_existe_amor]

Thanks Sultry and isabeau You made me cry lol

 

[new2sceenbob]

I'm truly sorry for your loss

I'm truly sorry for your loss. I know just how painful it feels.

Sincerely,
Bob

 

[crydun]

Maureen.....

a poem to comfort you...

This was written by me and has been taken to many funerals and mailed to many grieving people. I hope you take comfort in it

No Time For Tears

Stand beside me
Night and Day
Walk beside me
All the Way

The path that lies ahead
is one we all must trod
if we are to be fed
by the hand of God.

Hush now, dear ones
Don't shed a tear
I'm heading home
There's nothing to fear

This life is a journey
from shore to shore
When we reach the other side
We'll weep no more

Hush now, dear ones
Ease all your fears
I'm heading home
There's no time for tears.

Written by Crystal (me) in July 2004

Another tip:

Keep a journal for awhile. Write down everything you ever loved about the man. Then, you'll have something from him to treasure always. Your memories..

Take care.

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

Any advice, anyone??

The only thing I can add is to give yourself permission to grieve. Holding it in and not dealing with it is the destructive thing, not the grieving. We're surrounded by those who would say grow up or suck it up or stupid things like that. Feel what's there to feel. Don't deny yourself that part. It may hurt like hell. But, it's a big part of the healing. Allow yourself the time and the tears. And, vent all you need to.

Ann

 

[isabeau]

The only thing I can add is to give yourself permission to grieve. Holding it in and not dealing with it is the destructive thing, not the grieving. We're surrounded by those who would say grow up or suck it up or stupid things like that. Feel what's there to feel. Don't deny yourself that part. It may hurt like hell. But, it's a big part of the healing. Allow yourself the time and the tears. And, vent all you need to.

Ann

good advice Ann.. i learned there are various stages of grief. and that you go thru all of them. some experience the different stages sooner than others. with my mom, i didnt experience the sadness part til the following Christmas eve, when i broke down in front of david's parents. i had to rush to the bathroom because i hate to cry in front of others. Maureen its good to grieve. keeping it shut inside will only delay the process. and remember there are people here who care.

isabeau

 

[maureen28]

Thank you everyone for all of your support. It's been really hard, but I'm trying my best to get through this. Having you guys to talk to has eased my pain quite a bit. Aun I'm sorry you are going through this {{{hugs}}}} I lost a very good friend to cancer in Sept 2004. He was only 22. He battled cancer for 18 months. I still miss him very much.

 

[aun_existe_amor]

Thanks Maureen. I hope we can support each other

 

[Mimi]

I'm so sorry, Maureen. I offer my deepest sympathies for the pain and loss you are currently experiencing. Take comfort in the fact that you're not alone in your pain, and that if we can not give you relief, we can at least offer our prayers and understanding, for we all know what you're going through from our own losses and experiences.

Time heals all wounds. Take each day as it comes, and stay strong.

And for Aun, I am so sorry you're going through what you are right now as well. You've been so strong for so long, but even the most noble and courageous finally have periods of weakness and vulnerability. I so wish I could reach across the ocean and give you a big comforting hug and a helping hand right now. I'm hoping the time until your love can be with you passes quickly, for I know he can give you just the kind of tender caring support you need right now. Hang in there, sweetie.

Mimi

 

[aun_existe_amor]

Thanks for your kind words mimi. I really didn't mean to spill all that out, I don't know where it came from. It's nice that people on this forum share experiences and support eachother, I like that. I'll come out of my depression soon, I always do.

 

[Shred]

The Woman Who Lost Her Son

There was once a woman who lost her son and went to the Buddha for some kind of reversal of her fate. The Buddha said, "Go to each home in the village and collect a mustard seed from anyone who hasnt lost someone in their lives." The woman hurriedly went from door to door to get a mustard seed. After she came to the Buddha with nothing...but understanding that everyone suffers at times and everyone loses someone. The woman then became a follower of the Buddha then.

 

[aun_existe_amor]

There was once a woman who lost her son and went to the Buddha for some kind of reversal of her fate. The Buddha said, "Go to each home in the village and collect a mustard seed from anyone who hasnt lost someone in their lives." The woman hurriedly went from door to door to get a mustard seed. After she came to the Buddha with nothing...but understanding that everyone suffers at times and everyone loses someone. The woman then became a follower of the Buddha then.

That's a nice story and absolutely true

 

[isabeau]

Thanks for your kind words mimi. I really didn't mean to spill all that out, I don't know where it came from. It's nice that people on this forum share experiences and support eachother, I like that. I'll come out of my depression soon, I always do.

hon i mean it you can pm me anytime. i've been thru depression. only those who have understand just how awful it can be.

isabeau