i have this friend who is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. he had lost his brother back last fall..and they were very close. i had posted a thread about him back in december when he disappeared..anyway he keeps falling off the wagon. and this guy is a smart person.. alcohol has ruined his life, his marriages, his career.. so now he is once again drinking and frankly i can't deal with him. i told him this morning to get help again. to check into detox.. anything.. but as long as he is drinking i don't like talking to him, because he is different then.. am i wrong to block him when he is this way? for months i have been there for him, but frankly i'm tired of it.. he is a grown man, in fact he is older than i am. week before last he checked himself into the VA hospital and got a new anti depressant that he said worked.. so i thought finally no more drinking.. in fact he insisted that he hadn't felt this good in years.. but the last few days when i would talk to him, i knew the difference immediately, although he at first denied it until today.. so am i wrong to distance myself from him until he can sober up yet again? he promised to go to a clinic tomorrow, but he makes promises all the time.. i really don't have the patience anymore to deal with him.. i suppose that makes me a bad person.. any thoughts?
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- Thread starter isabeau
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luvgirlsfeet
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Isabeau, you did the very best that you could with helping your friend. As they say the ball is in his court now. He will hopfully make the right decisions and get help for himself. He still needs the emotional support to pick up his spirits to make him feel stronger and to overcome his addictions
maniactickler
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Let it go. you can only help someone so much.
KoocheeKoo
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Melanie, I've experienced the same situation twice in my own family, and sadly know it takes a miracle for someone in that condition to save themselves. I'll remember your friend in my prayers.
You can only do so much; as I've learned in recent weeks (found out I have two serious health problems; both being aggravated by stress of trying to care for my elderly grandmother suffering from dementia alone)......you have to sometimes let go; must take care of yourself.
Wishing you the very best.....God bless!
Perry
You can only do so much; as I've learned in recent weeks (found out I have two serious health problems; both being aggravated by stress of trying to care for my elderly grandmother suffering from dementia alone)......you have to sometimes let go; must take care of yourself.
Wishing you the very best.....God bless!
Perry
For A Friend
Sometimes it seems enough is enough . Its nice that you left communictions open , hopefully the type of person he was is still somewhere inside him . A loving , responsible person . When someone is left on their own they can make a good decision for themselves or just loose hope . Usually ,it seems people in that condition lack will power and see no solution in sight. I wonder now what he would care for more than a drink ?
Sometimes it seems enough is enough . Its nice that you left communictions open , hopefully the type of person he was is still somewhere inside him . A loving , responsible person . When someone is left on their own they can make a good decision for themselves or just loose hope . Usually ,it seems people in that condition lack will power and see no solution in sight. I wonder now what he would care for more than a drink ?
BLUE_THUNDER
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know when to say when
as someone who has been there, i can say your friend truly has to hit "rock bottom" before things change. you can NOT just "fix" a true alcoholic, they need to do it themselves with the proper support network. and no you are not a bad personal at all, you do what you can and after that you can do no more. just my 2 cents. peace.....BLUE_THUNDER
as someone who has been there, i can say your friend truly has to hit "rock bottom" before things change. you can NOT just "fix" a true alcoholic, they need to do it themselves with the proper support network. and no you are not a bad personal at all, you do what you can and after that you can do no more. just my 2 cents. peace.....BLUE_THUNDER
I love and respect the fact that you're trying to help, but I had to learn the hard way that you cannot help a person more than they want to help themselves. If he doesn't start helping himself, he's only going to drain your resources. He'll starve your soul and bleed your spirit dry until you crumble. When he's finished, he'll go to the next victim-that's the way addicts are.
Please be careful and put yourself and your needs first. If you give too much away to someone who won't help himself, there will be nothing left for you. I wish you well and hope he starts wanting the help he needs.
Please be careful and put yourself and your needs first. If you give too much away to someone who won't help himself, there will be nothing left for you. I wish you well and hope he starts wanting the help he needs.
You are definitely not a bad person. You are the very opposite of a bad person. Your friend is very lucky to have you in his life. I hope he cleans himself up, and comes to appreciate that fact; to not take his friends for granted. But ultimately, it is his problem to work through, not yours. You can be there for him to lend an ear, and moral support, and you are. But he has to be the one to change. And if he doesn't, that's not your fault either. You can support him when you can, but you have your own life to deal with.
thank you all for your replies.. knight yes i do have my own life to deal with.. he did say he would check himself into a clinic tomorrow.. let's hope he does. even his mother and uncle could tell he has been drinking again..
slap'n'ticklee
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Mel, seems to me that you have given your friend everything, patience, love, understanding and caring. Thing is, you can only do so much, its really down to him now, to how he deals with it or seeks help.
He needs to delve into himself and find out what it was that triggered him into wanting to drown his feelings/emotions in alcohol, he needs professional help.
Its very sad at seeing someone like that and even harder for you as you are one of the most caring person I know off and probably thinking, what else you can do for him.
I do feel for you *hugs* take care hon... keep us updated?
He needs to delve into himself and find out what it was that triggered him into wanting to drown his feelings/emotions in alcohol, he needs professional help.
Its very sad at seeing someone like that and even harder for you as you are one of the most caring person I know off and probably thinking, what else you can do for him.
I do feel for you *hugs* take care hon... keep us updated?
kurchatovium
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You are not a bad person isabeau, far from it, you are one of the nicest most compassionate people I have met. The bottom line though is your friend has to want to recover himself. I think you have done all you can. Someone told me once that they tell you at AA there is only one thing you have to change to recover from being an alcohoic and that one thing is everything. PM me if you need to talk. Peace and wuv. 
Izzy, no, of course you aren't a bad person. In a situation like this, your friend is hurting not only himself, but everyone else with his alcoholism and his nastiness. It is the old addage of "One can lead a horse to water, but cant make it drink" (Bad analogy I guess, but what I really mean is that everyone can only support, suggest, and care about this guy so much.) Eventually, if he has a problem, and is hurting himself, and others, he has to take the painful step of finally getting help for his addiction through counesling, detox, or treatment center. If he does that, then I think it is certainly appropriate for his friends and any family he has to emotionally support him through it, because getting rid of any addiction is a very painful thing, emotionally, and sometimes physically too, if your body is dependent on the substance. Until he does get help, if he is abusive, it isnt anyone's responsiblity to deal with that sort of behavior from him. If he also lies to everyone, and says "I'm going to go", but never does, all that represents is a cowardly excuse from someone who doesnt want to face up to himself.
If he does go, then support for him is appropriate. If not, he has to be left to paddle his own canoe, so to speak. No, of course you arent incompassionate for not wanting to deal with him if he is continuing to abuse alcohol, and be abusive.
For his sake, I hope he goes, and cleans himself up. Until he does, he is a detriment to himself and all in his world.
Mitch
If he does go, then support for him is appropriate. If not, he has to be left to paddle his own canoe, so to speak. No, of course you arent incompassionate for not wanting to deal with him if he is continuing to abuse alcohol, and be abusive.
For his sake, I hope he goes, and cleans himself up. Until he does, he is a detriment to himself and all in his world.
Mitch
thank you all.. i will keep you up to date..slap'n'ticklee. and will take your advice all of you. yes he has to help himself.. the thing is, and maybe i'm terrible for thinking this.. but i despise weakness and am soo disappointed in him..
isabeau said:
Izzy, it's not an issue of weakness as it is an issue of addiction. Addicts come in all shapes, sizes, genders, religions, races, incomes, etc. If it were as simple as being strong and having "willpower", I wouldn't be struggling with my vices that include my weight. In my opinion, there's no such thing as sheer willpower--it takes much more. I would say willpower comes into play as having the will to admit one has a problem they can no longer control and the will to submit to whatever will help them.
I think I just preached to the choir with that statement!
Don't feel bad for being angry, but try not to think that if only he were stronger he could beat this. The addiction has taken all the strength out of him and you couldn't beat up on him any worse than he's beaten on himself, take it from me.kis123 said:Izzy, it's not an issue of weakness as it is an issue of addiction. Addicts come in all shapes, sizes, genders, religions, races, incomes, etc. If it were as simple as being strong and having "willpower", I wouldn't be struggling with my vices that include my weight. In my opinion, there's no such thing as sheer willpower--it takes much more. I would say willpower comes into play as having the will to admit one has a problem they can no longer control and the will to submit to whatever will help them.
I think I just preached to the choir with that statement!
thanks kis.. yes i thought about what i had said in my previous post, and that is wrong.. he isn't weak he is an addict.. that was harsh of me to say so.. and don't worry, i don't beat him up over it at all. i don't think i've ever said i was disappointed in him to him. i wouldn't do that. and i need to talk about willpower.. i have it as far as eating is concerned, but smoking is another issue.
welllllllllllllll after promising yesterday that he would check himself into a clinic, today he informs me that he will detox at home. he has done this in the past to no avail.. so i said ok it's your life, good luck.. and blocked him.. sorry
Izzy you did the right thing hon.Many times people with those kind of problems must hit rock bottom before they change,and some never do.It sounds like you have done all you could and more then many would.Pray for your friend but move on.
milagros317
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I think you did the right thing, Isabeau. You can't work a miracle and cure him, and you've given him the best advice you could.
Isabeau, hopefully your friend will get the help he needs before anything tragic occurs. They say that alcoholics generally need to hit rock-bottom before either (a) succumbing to it, or (b) seeking help. We've all heard that, and I've found that's generally true. I'm actually, currently, dealing with an alcoholic neighbor who has become a real nuisance. The woman gets totally drunk just about every night, then loses her temper. She either starts screaming at the top of her lungs or throwing things around, breaking them. Sometimes inside her apartment, other times outside at times of the night when I'm attempting to sleep. I've had to call the police on her a few times, unfortunately. I was speaking to her landlord recently, and was told that she is most definitely being evicted. It can't come soon enough, honestly. She's been really bad this week, probably feeling the pressure of having to find somewhere else to live. I feel bad for her, honestly, but this definitely goes with the "rock-bottom" theory. I'm hoping that her losing her home compels her to get the help she needs. Hopefully, your friend won't experience any more hardships, but if he does, hopefully that will compel him too. If you ever need a friend to talk about this with, my PM box is open for you. Hang in there... you did nothing wrong.
In my opinion, you're giving him exactly what he needs. A little bit of tough love. Of course, he'll accuse you of being judgmental, insensitive, maybe even a holy roller. That's how this kind of disease works. Everybody else has a problem except him. The best thing he can hear from you is that you'll be his friend as long as he's doing what it takes to get help.
