[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I just learned about the phrase “Carpe diem”, which is Latin for “Seize the day”. Who’d have thought that ancient Roman epileptics had their own motto!
* * *
She: “Did you know that ‘bedroom’ is an anagram for ‘boredom’?
He: “Heh! You come up with the oddest pieces of trivia after we have sex!”
* * *
I took twelve months’ worth of my used condoms and had them formed into a car tire. It was a Goodyear.
* * *
“Sir, I represent the town orphanage. Would it be possible for you to make a donation today.”
“Sure, I can do that. My son’s gonna be super pissed about it, though.”
* * *
I was getting rather tubby, so my wife signed me up for a weight-loss program at the local gym. Since that time, I’ve gained five pounds! If this keeps up, I’m gonna have to go down there personally and find out what the hell they’re doing!
* * *
Liquor comes in fifths. That’s because most people use it when they’re too tense.
* * *
When playing Risk, I always go for Helsinki first. The game is won once you cross the Finnish line.
* * *
Scientists tell us that dolphins are the second smartest species in Earth after man. Doesn’t seem very fair to all the women.
* * *
Someone stole my piano, but it was my own fault; I left the keys in it.
* * *
Never say grace before eating KFC; you’ll be living on a wing and a prayer.
* * *
Must be time to discuss Lyme Disease again. All I ever hear from the clock is tick talk.
* * *
Customer: “I’d like to buy some 2x4s please.”
Lumberyard clerk: “Certainly sir. How long do you want them?”
Customer: “For years. I’m going to use them to build a house.”
* * *
Many workers find their jobs stressful, but not me. I’m employed in the mirror showroom of department store; I can spend hours in there, quietly reflecting.
* * *
In the realm of autocorrect Q&A, there are no silly questions; only silky questions.
* * *
My wife is suffering from postpartum depression. We don’t have any kids; she’s suffered from it ever since she was born.
* * *
How does an observatory’s staff know the path where a heavenly body will be at any given time?
Easy. They planet.
* * *
When I was a kid, things were so awful at home I used to escape into fantasy by pretending I was Bruce Wayne. Not Batman, Bruce Wayne... I’d go over and over that early scene when my parents are in the alley.
* * *
My doctor still uses a little rubber hammer to check reflexes. The practice is antiquated, but he always gets a kick out of it.
* * *
Richard has no arms and no legs, but still managed to swim the English Channel. Clever Dick!
* * *
Pet cemetery funeral director: “Are you sure you want a closed casket for your cat?”
Schrodinger: “Absolutely.”
* * *
My imaginary friend is coming over to spend the night. I just made up his bed.
* * *
Thor went for Thanos’ chest instead of his head and thus didn’t prevent The Snap. I can’t understand it; he already had a Thor-axe.[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I’ve always said the world is round; my pal said it’s flat, and wanted to prove it by walking from one side to the other. But he soon came around.
* * *
Teacher: “Do any of you children know a foreign language?”
Johnny: “I do: ‘you goddamn sleazy bitch’.”
Teacher: “Johnny! Where did you get the idea you could speak that way to me!”
Johnny: “My dad taught me to! He talks to my mom like that then says, ‘Pardon my French’!”
* * *
When I was at the cemetery yesterday, I came across the plot for our old town mayor. His headstone reads, “An honest man and a proud politician”... I’m not sure why they put two guys in the same grave.
* * *
An optimist sees the glass as half-full. A pessimist sees it as half-empty. A chemist sees it as half water, half air.
* * *
Organic chemistry can be a difficult subject; those who study it will encounter problems of alkynes.
* * *
Teacher: “What would happen if your temperature was lowered to absolute zero?”
Student: “You’d be OK.”
* * *
It was a romantic day at the subatomic state fair; a hydrogen atom gave a carbon atom a benzene ring. They celebrated on the ferrous wheel.
* * *
My creative writing teacher tells me I better quit mixing metaphors if I ever hope to become a professional author. I say I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it.
* * *
“I understand your dad gave a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation about the importance of birth control.”
“Not exactly. He was actually showing slides from our family vacation.”
* * *
My uncle keeps pieces of antique farm equipment in his barn. In olden days, we would have called them “slaves”.
* * *
Birthdays are weird; your mom did all the work, but you get all the credit.
* * *
I must be eating too many sweets. My doctor is quite concerned about my sugar-blood level.
* * *
Blonde: “You may have put my boyfriend behind bars, but you can’t believe he doesn’t deserve more privileges! Look at all the hard work he has to do!”
Warden: “What hard work? He’s the prison librarian!”
Blonde: “Sure, during the day! But what about that tunnel he’s digging at night!”
* * *
I’m taking pains to get my wife exactly what she wants for Valentine’s Day. She sure is gonna do a lot of great baking with this assortment of flours!
* * *
The emperor insisted that his subject bow to him ten times while in his presence; the people only wanted it to be five times and finally rebelled. The two sides had unreconcilable deferences.
* * *
Chichén Itzá is not yours... it’s Mayan.
* * *
The more successful a German prostitute is, the more polite she becomes. Popularity makes her better männered
* * *
When I was in elementary school, I had to put my grades up for adoption. I couldn’t raise them by myself.
* * *
California bivalves are being endangered by the burgeoning otter population, but the lazy workers at the EPA won’t transport these poor mollusks to a safer environment. They refuse to move a mussel.
* * *
I bought a single item from that furniture store and now they won’t stop calling me. It was just one nightstand.
* * *
A baby’s laughter is one of the sweetest, most soothing sounds you will ever hear. Unless, of course, it happens to be 3:00 AM. And your wife is out of town that night. And you don’t have a baby.
* * *
I just read a book called “1,000 Places You Should See Before You Die”. Surprisingly, “hospital” isn’t on the list.
* * *
Netflix is disturbed that many viewers find multiple murderer Ted Bundy from their recent “Conversations with a Killer” program to be ‘hot’. These sickos should know better. Ted Bundy is definitely not hot. He died in the electric chair way back in 1989, so he must have cooled off by now.[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Halftime score of the most boring Super Bowl ever:
Rams-0
Patriots-3
Maroon 5.
* * *
Every dog is a therapy animal. It’s just that most of them don’t work professionally.
* * *
All dogs work pro bono.
* * *
My wife is furious with me, simply because I did some of her housework. To be fair, I was pretty drunk. To be really fair, I vacuumed up one of her contact lenses. To be really really fair, she was wearing it at the time.
* * *
She: “I can’t believe you’re seeing prostitutes! How can you do this to me? I’m your wife!”
He: “Well it’s not like I’m not getting anything from you!”
She: “You never told me you were willing to pay for it!”
* * *
My brother prefers yoga to western exercise. It’s a strange position to take.
* * *
Cop: “We have your daughter in custody. She was trying to burn down the school.”
Dad: “What? Arson?!”
Cop: “You mean that kid’s a boy? No wonder he’s so screwed up!”
* * *
The law is after me: at work today, I download some porn onto my computer and caused everything to crash. Ordinarily the police wouldn’t get involved, but I’m an air traffic controller.
* * *
Two toothpicks are wandering through the woods, when a hedgehog strolls by.
“Damn!” says one. “We walked all this way and they have bus service!”
* * *
The older Popes are more conscientious about their duties. Every few hours you can find them making holy water.
* * *
Victim: “I was just assaulted by my neighbor! You’ll have no trouble spotting him... he’s got a club foot.”
Cop: “Name?”
Victim: “John Smith.”
Cop: “What’s the other one called?”
* * *
I recently spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.
* * *
The Catholic Church’s growing licentiousness is likely to cause its downfall. It’s chock full of loose canons.
* * *
“Every letter in the alphabet is pronounced with one syllable; all of them except for ‘W’. “
“That isn’t true at all. Ministers constantly pronounce ‘U’ ‘man and wife’. “
* * *
Garment workers who color the cloth never crack jokes. None of them wants to dye laughing.
* * *
The difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream? French vanilla is a lot more yellow.
* * *
Romance with a cougar worked out great for everyone. She got to brag she was dating a young stud; I got to pass 8th grade.
* * *
“Mommy, what’s an ‘orgasm’ ?
“I don’t know, hon. Ask your father.”
* * *
There’s a superficial similarity between a duck and a goose, but the basic difference is obvious: if you goose, you get hit.
* * *
You should never hold sodium in your bare hand. Do so, and you’ll have napalm.
* * *
No matter what you’re doing, anywhere or anytime, God is watching you. Man, what a boring job!
* * *
My mother-in-law was abducted during her vacation. When the kidnappers called, I asked if $1,000 would be sufficient.
“Hell no!” the man on the phone replied. “We don’t have nearly that much!”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I woke up this morning having spent the whole night dreaming I was in bed sleeping. So... all that rest was only imaginary.
* * *
A chronic gambler lost one piece out of his pair of lucky dice. Without it, the other is useless and his livelihood is now ruined. You can find him roaming the streets moaning, “I just wanna die!”
* * *
New tests have determined that the Shroud of Turin is actually real. Holy sheet!
* * *
I’ve seen a flood of recent articles bemoaning the fact that felons can now print firearms using 3D plastic technology. This is old news to me... I’ve used a Canon printer for years.
* * *
If Kim Jong Un ever invades the Demilitarized Zone, drones have been specially targeted to take him out instantly. His exact position is constantly monitored on a big map: X marks despot.
* * *
Early 20th Century: kids have sneak out to get booze.
Late 20th Century: kids have to sneak out to get pot.
Early 21st Century: kids have to sneak out to get vaccinated.
* * *
Anti-vaxxers have come up with a brand new pamphlet: “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Autistics are from Mercury”.
* * *
I was playing Dungeons and Dragons, deep in a treasure vault, when I was confronted by a formidably brawny monster. Things looked bad, but the beast wasn’t actually as tough as it looked: it was Meaty Ogre.
* * *
What’s the difference between February 14 and July 4?
Not a lot, really. They both commemorate a period of independence on the brink of war.
* * *
My girlfriend gripes that I never give her an orgasm, so last night I made sure she got one. Ungrateful brat! She immediately spat it out!
* * *
Last time I visited Legoland, I was disgusted to see two teens making out right there in the middle of the park.
“Hey, you two!” I blurted angrily. “Build a room!”
* * *
Husbands may often be thoughtless louts and wives may be generally superior to their mates in most ways, but there’s one indisputable thing you can say for us fellas: we definitely have a lot better taste than their spouses do.
* * *
Conceiving a joke takes inspiration, but you really need skill to deliver one. Just ask my mom.
* * *
Lottery winner: “I intend to give a quarter of this million dollars to charity!”
Reporter: “That’s very generous of you!”
Lottery winner: “I think so too! Now I can spend the other $999,999.75 with a clear conscience!”
* * *
A busty blonde walks up to a guy on a lonely street corner and coos, “ Sweetie, for $200 I’ll let you do anything in the world you want to with me.”
The dude thinks it over, then fishes out his wallet.
“So,” she giggles, “figured out what you wanna do to my body?”
“Yep,” the man replies, closing in. “Identify it.”
* * *
A couple of our dairy cows refused to lactate, so we sold ‘em to a candy company. Where else would you offload a couple of milk duds?
* * *
Two peanuts were walking down the street; one was assaulted. A third peanut, the attacker, pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity, but his excuse didn’t hold up. Seems he wasn’t really a nut.
* * *
I heard about a nut who was a champ at playing hide-and-seek. He didn’t play fair, though... turns out he was a pecan.
* * *
A cheating roughneck was tossed out of a street fight for throwing soy sauce in his fallen opponent’s face. Those are the rules: you never Kikkoman when he’s down.
* * *
“Have you got a date for Valentine’s Day?”
“I’ll say I do! February 14th, same as last year!”
* * *
I’ve heard it said that makeup sex is the very best kind. I feel a lot better now; all my sex is made up.
* * *
The Tesla Roadster that Elon Musk launched aboard his rocket will orbit through the solar system for a billion years. It’s a clever and enduring memorial to the automobile’s impressive features: battery capacity... 200 miles per charge; seating capacity... room for two passengers; trunk capacity... space sufficient for three dead hookers.[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I’ve had so many bad teeth that every time I feel even a little pain in my mouth, I head for the dentist. I know the drill by now.
* * *
A warehouse owner bought a Komodo dragon instead of a watch dog to guard his property. It keeps a very close eye on everyone coming in or out; it is, after all, a monitor lizard.
* * *
My doctor promised me I’d walk again. I was skeptical, but I now stand corrected.
* * *
“Finding Nemo” “WALL-E” and “Ratatouille” were all made by Pixar and they’re all fine films. But “Finding Nemo” has one thing the others don’t: efficiency.
* * *
I saw a wanted poster for a desperate criminal: “$500 offered for information about the whereabouts of this felon. No questions asked.” It turns out I knew the guy’s hideout and went to the station house to claim the money, but I didn’t get it. Why, oh why, didn’t they ask me a few questions?
* * *
“How do you like my pet peacocks?”
“I think they’re pretty fowl.”
“Why would you say such a thing? The rest of my friends find them gorgeous!”
* * *
To get caught up for the coming final season of “Game of Thrones”, my wife and I watched all the previous episodes back to back. Unfortunately, I had to watch them in a mirror.
* * *
An Icelandic man married his Cuban sweetheart and moved her to his remote research outpost at the North Pole. They now lead idyllic lives producing a wide assortment of little Ice Cubes.
* * *
I know it seems impossible, but every night I sleep standing up! I’m not kidding you! Why would I lie?
* * *
Bookstore patron: “ Do you have that new book about tortoises?”
Bookstore owner: “Hardcover?”
Bookstore patron: “That’s right! Little head and legs, too!”
* * *
My brother has a very strange job: he runs the fog machine for local stage productions. How does he make any money doing this? It’s mystifying!
* * *
A blond rookie cop has staked out coin-operated washing machines for months, looking for guys who clean their jeans without removing all the change. So far, she’s arrested 12 of them for money laundering.
* * *
Robin Hood referred to Maid Marian as his most precious arrow... she was all aquiver in the presence of her beau.
* * *
My girlfriend was getting tired of our old sex routine and wanted to try some role playing. I suggested we asume characters from the “Fast and Furious” movies, and it worked after a fashion... I was fast and she was furious.
* * *
Hear about the famous rabbit who’s had a long-term affair with a chicken? No wonder he hides all those eggs each Easter!
* * *
Floozie: “Hi there, handsome! My, ain’t you a tall drink of water!”
Tough guy: “You said it, babe! I ain’t your average mug!”
* * *
I have a sneaking suspicion my puppy Carl is a communist. It’s the approach he uses to define personal property... Carl marks.
* * *
Jeffrey Dahmer had a sensitive stomach and couldn’t tolerate even a trace of pepper when preparing his meals. It went hand-in-hand with his general disdain for humanity... he’d always de-spiced his neighbors.
* * *
My girlfriend told me she wanted to get into anal. Sounded like a cool idea until I saw her strap-on dildo.
* * *
If SETI ever does contact an alien species, there’ll be nationwide consequences. What would be the most vexing issue to face resident Trump?
Where to build the wall.
* * *
I’ve been hearing all the anti-vaxxer humor going around, and let me tell you, I’m getting mighty sick and tired. Guess I should have had the shots after all.
* * *
A Redhead, a brunette and a blonde die and stand before the Gates of Heaven, but face a tough test before they can enter. In front of the Gates is a stairway with one hundred steps. On each step, a cruel joke is written and if they laugh at even one of the jokes, they head straight for Hell.
The Redhead goes first. She reaches the 29th step, but then laughs at a nasty joke about the Chinese and heads straight for Hell.
The Brunette goes next. She reaches the 51st step, but then laughs at an ugly joke about dyslexics and heads straight for Hell.
The Blonde goes last. She proceeds all the way to the 99th step, but then starts laughing hysterically and heads straight for Hell.
“You were so close!” moans God. “Why didn’t you hold your laughter for just one more step?”
“I couldn’t help it!” chuckles the blonde as she falls. “I just got the first joke!”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]The difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral: at the funeral, one less person is drinking.
* * *
A traffic cop clocks a hippy going 60 in a residential zone and pulls him over. When the kid rolls down his van window, clouds of marijuana smoke pour out.
“You just blew through six stop signs!” the patrolman rages. “How high are you?”
“No no no!” the hippy scolds. “It’s ‘Hi, how are you’, man! You really shouldn’t drive when you’re stoned!”
* * *
How do you describe an Amish girl’s sex life?
Too Mennonite.
* * *
I just passed a huge snake in the hallway. A good thing, too... it never would have fit down the toilet.
* * *
“Bernie Sanders has just become one of the 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.”
“So... that makes him number 2,021, right?”
* * *
No wonder R. Kelly is broke... he pissed all his money away.
* * *
R. Kelly pickup line: “Urine for a treat!”
* * *
My pregnant wife wants to have a small window installed in her navel. She’d like our child to have a womb with a view.
* * *
First ice-climber: “Keep an eye on that frozen spire hanging up above! If it falls, it’ll carry us both to our deaths!”
Second ice-climber: “Don’t worry. I know how to steer a bicicle.”
* * *
“How do I choose the tastiest fruit from a lime tree?”
“Pick the bottom-most. They’re sub lime!”
* * *
He: “I don’t have to exercise! I’m in shape!”
She: “Well, I can’t argue with that. Oblong is definitely a shape.”
* * *
My parents taught me never to run from my problems. That’s why I currently weigh 400 pounds.
* * *
18 year old: “Dad, today I become an adult!”
Dad: “Great! I’m takin’ you to the strip club tonight!”
18 year old: “Awww, Dad. I already told you I don’t wanna go into that place.”
Dad: “And I told you: someone around here’s gotta work, young lady!”
* * *
My grandpa must have been the all-time champ at a game called Russian roulette. I hear he only ever lost once.
* * *
Sprinters don’t eat a single thing before big track meets. They fast.
* * *
I may be one of the few people who still wears I timepiece on his wrist. And I nearly lost it when it slipped off during a raucous party. There it was, lying on the floor, right between a cowed young girl and some nasty, berating drunk. Let me tell you, I had no problem at all kicking that big jerk out so I could retrieve my property. ‘Cause no one gets away with that kind of behavior... not on my watch.
* * *
Casper the Ghost was totally shocked that no one ever wanted to be his friend. Guess you could say he was really a ghast.
* * *
Casper the Ghost went back to his old classroom to try to make some friends and was eventually captured by a ghostbuster who secured him in a mason jar. The ghostbuster left the jar at the principal’s office so that students could display it around the neighborhood. He was eager for the kids to show a little school spirit.
* * *
If Farmer-A sells tomatoes and Farmer-B sells peaches, what does Farmer-C sell?
Drugs.
* * *
Teacher: “Little Johnny, give me an example of a bird that has wings but can’t fly.”
Johnny: “Our pet parakeet, Crackers.”
Teacher: “But a parakeet can fly,”
Johnny: “Not Crackers. He’s been dead for two years.”
* * *
Teacher: “This weird thing has wings and sucks blood. Who here knows what it’s called?”
Johnny: “I do: a 36 pack of Always Ultra.”
* * *
Our 6th grade teacher always hands out As and Bs to her students. Some say she’s super good at her job, but I think she just doesn’t give an F.[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Back in the ‘80s, Paul Simon released an album called “One-Trick Pony”. Guess that would make him the first real rocking horse.
* * *
The ice-rink owner offered to let me in for half price. What a cheap skate!
* * *
Why can’t vegans eat chickens?
Because they’re full of eggs.
* * *
Any youngster who tries solid food for the first time is a competitive eater: you gotta be in it to wean it.
* * *
When Wyatt Earp came into a lawless town, the first thing he did was toss up a silver dollar in front of everyone and shoot it into bits in midair. That made it clear he wanted change.
* * *
I once lost $5000 on a horse... fell off during the getaway.
* * *
When is the easiest time to sneak up on the Children of the Corn?
At the end of harvest season, after all the ears are gone.
* * *
To truly call yourself an American, activists say you must have at least a little Native American blood. Well, I definitely qualify; I always keep a big jar-full for cooking purposes.
* * *
Deer: “Hey, man. I’m a vegetarian.”
Mountain lion: “Vegetarian? What does that mean?”
Deer: “It means I don’t anything that doesn’t come out of the ground or off a tree.”
Mountain lion: “Hey, I’m a vegetarian too! I just ate two gophers and an owl!”
* * *
My wife used to put on a slinky outfit to try to entice me. She finally figured out I’m just not into kids’ toys.
* * *
Why did the terrorist cross the road?
To get to the other cide.
* * *
8:00 PM at sea, a lone sailor walks up to another and says, “Quiet night, isn’t it?”
“Sure is,” replies the second. “Wonder when the band concert’s gonna start.”
“Band concert?” the first man blurts, puzzled. “There’re no concerts on this boat!”
“There must be!” the second sailor insists. “I distinctly heard the captain say, ‘A band on ship!’”
* * *
Two sailors are scanning the horizon, when a colossal arm raises our of the water, wobbles back and forth a couple of times, then descends into the deep once more.
“Man!” one says to the other. “Did you see the size of that wave?”
* * *
A nine year old disappeared completely after getting into his mom’s moisturizer. The woman should have been more careful; the label on the jar clearly stated: “makes you look 10 years younger!”
* * *
I’ve been reading about Sir Lancelot and was surprised to learn that he was a child molester. Says in this book that upon meeting King Arthur, he turned a new page.
* * *
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... until they wash the sheets, anyway.
* * *
Which chemical element is most commonly used by the medical community?
Either Curium or Barium.
* * *
The Pope has been spotted frequenting a Mexican restaurant, of all places! Holy mole!
* * *
What devise was designed for cutting travel time across the ocean in half?
The seesaw.
* * *
I’ve got a book coming out soon... you wouldn’t believe all the weird stuff I’ve eaten since I lost all my money.
* * *
Freudian slip: saying one thing while thinking about a mother.
* * *
A woman is sitting at her husband’s funeral when a stranger approaches.
“Mind if I say a word?” he asks.
“Not at all,” she replies. “Please do.”
The man clears his throat, then states, “Bargain.”
“Thanks so much,” the woman responds. “That means a great deal.”[/FONT]
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]The hot girl at school has always said she loves me, but only like a brother. Makes me very nervous now she's invited me to a threesome.
* * *
Mario is constantly at the dentist. That's because he has lots of trouble with DK.
* * *
Some girls play hard to get. My sister's different... she plays hard to want.
* * *
When a spider crawls on walls, everyone marvels at its abilities. I start crawling on walls and they scream I need an exorcist!
* * *
Son: "Dad, why do sailors yell 'Man overboard!'?"
Dad: "That happens when one of the crew falls off the boat. It's so they can turn around and rescue him."
Son: "But it only mentions men. Suppose Mom was riding on a boat and fell off. How would you know what to yell then?"
Dad: "There’s a phrase for that, too: 'Full speed ahead!' "
* * *
I find condoms to be essential. Every pool needs a lifeguard, especially my gene pool.
* * *
Rescuers from the Belfast Fire Department arrive at the site of a flaming pub and hear screams coming from inside. Fearlessly they brave the blaze and drag out a lone patron who had been trapped beneath some wreckage.
"You're a lucky lad!" states the fire chief. "Tell me, how did the fire start?"
"Who's to know?" the patron breathlessly replies. "It was like this when I got here!"
* * *
Mr. T became extremely religious after his TV series was canceled. He went from A-Team to A-Men.
* * *
Ever since I was a kid, I've been able to tell what's inside each of my birthday and Christmas presents before they're even opened. It's just one of my many gifts.
* * *
Name the shape of the hole in a parrot’s cage when the door's been left open.
Polygon.
* * *
The design of garden shears will never be updated. That's cutting hedge technology!
* * *
I kicked a tree trunk with all my might and broke my foot. Last time I listen to my brother! He told me it was a rubber tree!
* * *
She: "Does this dress make me look fat?"
He: "No. It's all that pie you ate last night."
* * *
Last Thursday was evidently Pi Day. What a stupid thing to celebrate! It's completely irrational!
* * *
My wife left me because she thinks I'm financially irresponsible. Fine with me! When those Nigerian lottery winnings come in, I'll get to spend them all by myself!
* * *
A husband calls his wife from work.
He: "Have you ever had a severe stabbing pain, like someone with a voodoo doll was jabbing a pin right in the middle of its neck?"
She: "No. I can't ever say that I have."
He: (after a pause) "Okay, how about now?"
* * *
Male-to-female surgery isn't cheap. Experts extimate it'll cost you about a third of your salary.
* * *
Son: "Dad, what kind of flower is that?"
Dad: "That, my boy, is a rhododendron.
Son: "Really? How do you spell it?"
Dad: "Uh... on second thought, I believe it's a rose."
* * *
I saw the "Captain Marvel" movie and thought it was pretty cheesy! What a waste of money! It was brie larsony!
* * *
Why did the cow cross the pasteur?
To get to the other sod.
* * *
Why did Death cross the road?
To get to the other scythe.
* * *
The Specter of Death doesn't work constantly. Sometimes he needs to take a break. If ever you should chance across his comfy couch, don't dare to lie down on it... it's littered with Reaper cushions.[/FONT]
This St. Paddy's Day, a street vendor tried to sell me a chip of granite he claimed came from the Blarney Stone. Well, it was obviously fake! What a way to mock the holiday... there's nothing Irish about a sham rock!
* * *
How does a technicolor telephone work?
Green, green... yellow?
* * *
I came home early to find my wife lying in bed. She was next to the new mailman, telling him she was single.
* * *
Grammar nazis in the government are now charging us for poorly worded sex phone-calls. It's what known as "syntax".
* * *
I was having a really sexy dream... but before I could consumate, the alarm woke me up. Dammit, I really hate being clock-blocked!
* * *
If you're fumigating cotton and come across two bugs, but have only poison enough to kill one, don't waste it on the smaller of the pair. It's the lesser of two weevils.
* * *
My wife made me join this book club. We've met five times, and so far we've only discussed a single book! What a waste of time! I've told her over and over, "I'm just not interested in church!"
* * *
Chuck Norris was dropped only twice as a baby... one in Hiroshima and once in Nagasaki.
* * *
I was born on the 2nd of June, not in September. But for some reason, my mom always refers to it as Labor Day.
* * *
"I smoked a whole pack of Camels last night."
"The entire pack?! Man, how you gonna store that much smoked meat?"
* * *
The wizard Gargamel was so sadistic, he would create little blue people expressly so he could fill them full of gas and then poke them with a pin. That's how the whole franchise got started... with pop-a-Smurf.
* * *
I guy showed up at my door, smiling and holding a set of encyclopedias. He was obviously a salesman... he didn't say a word, but his look spoke volumes.
* * *
Mom goes into her son's bedroom and sees 20 jars full of quarters.
"That's an awful lot of change to leave lying around!" Mom tells him. "Does the word 'hoard' mean anything to you?"
"Hey!" grouses the lad, "I'm just the pimp! Sis is the one who whored it!"
* * *
My great gramma's going out with some geezer who's 101 years old! I don't mind her dating, but I draw the line at carbon dating.
* * *
How do students at Hogwarts get into the gym weight room?
Through the dumbbell door.
* * *
Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been accused of visiting massage parlors. Alledgedly, that's where he goes to get his balls deflated.
* * *
A police detective shows up at the scene of a murder. Next to the corpse is a battered, well-worn piece of lugguage.
"Well," says the cop, "looks like an open and shut case."
* * *
A canny record producer got the idea to turn a duck into a soul singer. His plan: stick it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.
* * *
Elon Musk never failed in school. He had to succeed... a single F would turn him into a felon.
* * *
If the PETA folks had their own TV show, they could spread awareness of their message and raise plenty of money for the cause at the same time. But they'll never do it... they refuse to kill two birds with one stone.
* * *
My wife treats our pet puppies and kittens like royalty and I'm getting sick and tired of it! The storm clouds have gathered at my house... it's reigning cats and dogs!
* * *
Point to ponder: if you die while fixing a meal in a slow cooker, whoever finds you will have a hardy meal waiting for them!
If they're still hungry after that, they can have whatever's in the crock-pot.
Most of Steve Jobs' innovative products have names like iPhone, iPad and iMax. That's because these creations were the Apple of his i.
* * *
I went into Home Depot to get supplies for improving my patio and the salesman told me I could use a solid decking. Fortunately, I was able to get in the first shot.
* * *
Folks get their news online these days, but that doesn't mean there isn't still a place for newspapers. It's called a recycling bin.
* * *
My sister's been on a crash diet for two weeks. That's why she looks like a wreck.
* * *
All the other characters on Sesame Street shun Big Bird... it's no fun at all being ostrich sized.
* * *
I can never decide if I should have eggs or cereal for breakfast. I really need to stop waffling.
* * *
Mondays may suck, but two days previous was a sadder day.
* * *
Ten fascinating facts about diarrhea! Number two's gonna surprise you!
* * *
A man enters a flower shop to get some roses for his wife. Once inside, he's startled to see no blooms at all, only leaves and stems.
"What's with this place?" he protests. "Says outside you currently have a wide assortment of beautiful flowers!"
"We do," the owner replies. "Every one's in stalk."
* * *
Hear about the four lazy vowels that stood around in line while the consonant did all the work? Turns out they were in a queue.
* * *
An underclassman ran over me in a crosswalk when I was on my way to graduation. Little creep! I was the one who had the right of passage!
* * *
Mary took her little lamb to school, but it caused a ruckus with its constant frolicking. It became so bad, Mary had to send it to Gamboller's Anonymous.
* * *
Someone fed my sister's pony weed; now it runs around non-stop, not allowing her to dismount. Oh, how I wish she'd get off her high horse!
* * *
If you ever get attacked by a grizzly bear, fall straight down on your face and play dead. It'll be good practice for when he turns you over.
* * *
I do an unconventional exercise... squat down, grab my knees, lean forward. Most people want nothing to do with it, but it's the way I roll.
* * *
Pirate: "Avast, hurricane up ahead! Steer towards the safest part!"
Mate: "Eye, Captain!"
* * *
Al-Queda operatives constantly comb comedy clubs, seeking to recruit the very worst standup comedians for suicide missions. They need people who can reliably blow a delivery.
* * *
The job interviewer wanted to know if I could work under pressure. I don't know what difference it would make... I'd be working in an office, not deep-sea diving.
* * *
Racecar backwards is racecar. Racecar sideways is how we lost Paul Walker.
* * *
A blonde goes to the dentist. As she sits there in the chair, she notices him loading up a syringe with novocaine.
"Hey!" she calls out indignantly. " What makes you think you can poke me with that thing?"
"Sorry," apologizes the dentist, "but I ran out of gas."
"Damn," she mutters. "Third time this week I've heard that."
* * *
I'm having hot sex with a beautiful blind woman. It's more challenging than you might think... took my weeks to get her husband's voice just right.
* * *
The phone rings in a business office and a very new receptionist answers.
"Hello ma'am," he greets. "How may I serve you? Ah... I see. And would you prefer smoking or non-smoking?"
At the next desk, the boss cringes.
"Hey, stupid!" he whispers savagely. "In the funeral profession, we say 'cremation or burial'!"
Yesterday I witnessed a man rush into a phone booth and seconds later, Superman step out and fly into the sky! It was the most amazing thing ever! I mean, when was the last time anyone's seen a phone booth!
* * *
Ron Weasley had to drop out of Hogwarts for remedial education. He never learned how to spell.
* * *
When I first started working at the mortuary, they made me slide the coffin into the back of the van over and over and over again. I was the one who needed practice, but it was the corpse that got all the re-hearsal.
* * *
Grandpa: "Hi Sam! Hear about my grandson? His job is transferring him to some place called Boom Harbor."
Grandma: "Land sakes, I wish you'd get a new hearing aid! He told us they're sending him to Bombay!"
* * *
My wife has gotten into the habit of humming Chopin's Minute Waltz during sex. That has to stop... I'm getting sick of not hearing how it ends.
* * *
Turns out there's been a lot of dissension among feminists lately. Evidently it's developed into an all out TERF war.
* * *
When the Greek god Zeus was assigning realms to his brothers, he gave Poseidon dominion over the seas. That's because he was such a swell guy.
* * *
I've heard it said that there's a sucker born every minute. Man, Willy Wonka really needs to separate his business life and his love life!
* * *
In France, they eat snails. Not in the US; here, we prefer fast food.
* * *
Adolf Hitler was deeply committed to chemistry, doing his very best to invent a universal solvent. Right up to the moment he died, he was hard at work on the final solution.
* * *
Lady Gaga and the Goo Goo Dolls are putting together a concert expressly for toddlers. I'ts going to be called Goo Goo Gaga.
* * *
My girlfriend wears a padded bra; she's one of the few people in favor of global warming.
* * *
Remember the old video game Space Invader? Seems that Joe Biden has been accused of playing it way too much.
* * *
My blond cousin asked me if it was possible to re-join a tennis club. I couldn't understand what she was talking about, but I soon found out; she was really wanted me to restring her tennis racket.
* * *
"I've felt exhausted every day this week. Can I find anything online to help me?"
"Sure. I believe there's a nap for that."
* * *
Vaccinated kids aren't going to get this one: measles!
* * *
I was stunned to learn that there's intolerance in the forest kingdom. Take the attitude of the so-called "noble" pine, for example... a perfect example of bigotree.
* * *
Vanna White has received a lot of sweet fan mail for her work on Wheel of Fortune... many touching letters.
* * *
My brother evidently became so enraged over a game of Scrabble that he grabbed the the game board and all the pieces and chucked them out the window. Anyway, that's the word on the street.
* * *
Brexit is expected to free up computer space in the EU, estimated at one GB.
* * *
Some historians argue that George Washington could never have tossed a silver dollar across the Potomac River; it's simply too long a distance. But you have to remember, money went a lot farther back then.
* * *
An old geezer is ambling down the street, when a little frog in the park fountain chirps, "Kind sir, kiss me and I'll magically turn into a beautiful princess!"
The guy is brought up short. He stares at the frog for several seconds, then grabs it up and stuffs it in his pocket.
"Hey, mister!" the animal squeals. "Didn't you hear me? Kiss me and I'll turn into a gorgeous princess!"
"Yeah, I heard you," the man returns. "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."
Simba the Lion King died because he thought he was too good to provide food for his family. His pride consumed him.
* * *
Commute time can be a pain. I spent over two hours sitting in traffic this morning... got run over three times.
* * *
"I just love Italian pasta, especially spaghetti and meatballs!"
"Sorry to have tell you this, but spaghetti and meatballs isn't really Italian."
" ... you mean it's an impasta?"
* * *
We held a Gingers of the World convention; not one single soul appeared.
* * *
I built myself a vampire snowman, but it came to life like Frosty and attacked me. Now my neck's all frostbitten.
* * *
What do sharks say when one of their clan is too cowardly to make a kill?
"He turned tuna!"
* * *
While on safari, I shot and grilled an entire water buffalo. It was my greatest mist steak.
* * *
When I gave my dad his 50th birthday card, he became really emotional.
"Hey dummy!" he said to me. "One would have been plenty!"
* * *
Ship's cook: "I needs ta know how many candles ta put on the captain's birthday cake! He were in his late 70s the year afore... I told yer ta find out what his age is now!"
Cabin boy: "I asked 'im three time if he knows how old he is! All he says is, 'Aye, matey!' "
* * *
I'm a nylon fetishist and thought my new girlfriend understood that. Evidently not... looks like I've gotten off on the wrong foot.
* * *
Throughout the whole police interview, I invoked my right to take the 5th. Needless to say, I didn't get the job.
* * *
Q: What result do you get when you cross a fox with a bunny rabbit?
A: A very fat fox.
* * *
I watched a program last night called "The Amazing Race". It wasn't what I expected... I thought it was going to be a documentary Hitler commissioned about the Third Reich.
* * *
Hamlet: "To be or not to be."
Ophelia: "For the last damn time! My brother's name is not Toby! It's Laertes!"
* * *
I wanted to rent some space for my business in Barnes and Noble, but it didn't work out. All available spots were booked.
* * *
A bunch of the more famous fiends showed up at this year's Creature Convention. Dr. Frankenstein kept bragging that he was a self-made man. This really riled up his monster... he couldn't claim that distinction.
* * *
I asked the guy at the feed store why his hay is sold in bales. He to me that even cow needs three square meals a day.
* * *
The naughty kids in New Mexico get iron instead of coal for Christmas. Well, actually that only happens in Santa Fe.
* * *
My wife doesn't like the way use a hammer to crack eggs for breakfast. I say my technique is eggs spurt.
* * *
A cowboy ambles into a western town wearing chaps made completely out of newspaper. Big mistake... the marshal immediately arrested him for rustling.
* * *
I came home to my apartment complex to find the female janitor whacked out on weed. Well, of course I insisted that she be fired; I've got no use at all for high maintenance women.
* * *
According to the Bible, the number 666 represents Satan. That would mean that the root of all evil isn't the love of money after all; it's actually the number 25.8.
Joe Biden's election staff has come out with his official slogan: "The hands-down candidate! Can't touch Joe!" It originated with the female staffers who've been long been heard to say, "Hands down, candidate! Can't touch, Joe!"
* * *
My punk cousin used his switchblade to carve a swastika right in the middle of my antique wooden steamer trunk and it took me weeks to sand it out again. I really , really hate that facist symbol! Man, I'm so happy to finally get that off my chest!
* * *
You've heard the phrase "busy as a bee", right? Well bees aren't so darned busy! It's in their nature to stop and smell the roses!
* * *
My cousin says he has an allergy to honey, but his reaction makes me doubt that. He tells me he just got hives.
* * *
Technically, a chicken can't cross the road to get to the other side. Once he crosses, the other side is back where he started.
* * *
I may have failed both my mythology quiz and my state capitals quiz, but don't worry about me! My grades shall rise, like a phoenix from Arizona!
How did the Notre Dame cathedral fire start? I don't know, but Quasimodo has a hunch.
* * *
I got a slow cooker for my birthday. Perfect gift... I always wanted to cook a sloth.
* * *
Bill Cosby's moto: if you snooze, you loose.
* * *
I got evidence today that my wife's been selling drugs. I was late for work this morning when the phone rang; the guy on the line said, "It's me, Margaret. Is the dope gone yet?"
* * *
When a cannibal catches a female missionary, what does he have for lunch the next day?
Left ovaries.
* * *
Our neighborhood block party last night was lit! Our neighborhood this morning is litter.
* * *
There are already complaints about Samsung's new phone breaking when it's opened. It's an unfolding story.
* * *
A lot of people think folding phones are a great idea. But there's always a flip side.
* * *
My sister was killed for reading between the lines. She never saw the train coming.
* * *
Blonde: "Boo hoo hoo!"
Brunette: "Goodness gracious, dear! What's the matter?"
Blonde: "There was an awful accident! My brother was just hurt in a car wreck!"
Brunette: "I'm so terribly sorry! You really ought to be with your family right now."
Blonde: "That won't make me feel any better. I just heard from my sister... turns out her brother was hurt in a car wreck too."
* * *
I wanted to play a game of chess, but once I unpacked the set I found that all the pawns were white. Sticky, too... I never should have left them in the same box as the bishops.
* * *
A pet spider can cost as much as $50 if you look for it in a pet store. Fortunately, you can always find one cheaper if you check the web.
* * *
Museum tour guide: "This Egyptian mummy is over 5,000 years old. That means there's a chance Moses could have seen it!"
Tourist: "Don't be a jackass! When was Moses ever in New York?"
* * *
I call my wife my "better half". That's 'cause she better half the house cleaned, my clothes washed and my dinner ready when I git home.
* * *
A pretty blonde is on horseback, when her mount suddenly breaks into a ferocious gallop. She feels herself begin to slip from the saddle; she hollars at the horse, then pleads for help from onlookers, but it does no good. It becomes all too clear that she'll soon fall off.
Disaster is averted at the last minute when one of the clerks comes out of the grocery store and unplugs the darned thing.
Last Sunday, a Florida woman was attacked by a bum. Fortunately, a man dressed in an Easter Bunny costume arrived on the scene and pummeled the thug into submission. Everyone applauded the rescuer, but they shouldn't have; the rabbit punch has been illegal for years.
* * *
I raised my pet bunny rabbit in a boarding house. He's an inn-grown hare.
* * *
Don't play with a rabbit who's been drinking whisky. Hopscotch is a kid's game.
* * *
I irritated my rabbits by leaving them in their stifling hutch all through July. I then tried to make up for it by inviting them to dinner in August. What a mistake that was! The end of summer is the wrong time of the year for hot, cross buns!
* * *
Hear about the jack rabbit who was sick and tired of his life in the wild? He got fed up with the hole thing.
* * *
You can always tell the difference between a rabbit that works out regularly and one that's pixilated. One's a fit bunny, the other's a bit funny.
* * *
A mad scientist is eager to cross a bunny rabbit with a spider; he want's to pass produce hare nets.
* * *
The whole town turned out to catch enough wild hares for our big barbecue. We combed the whole valley.
* * *
Mind you, we didn't intend to eat them; we needed plenty for the big Rabbit Race and Bunny Beauty Contest. We call this event "The Fast and the Furriest".
* * *
You can always tell when the Easter Bunny's been by; eggs marks the spot.
* * *
My last girlfriend treated me like a piece of meat. That sounded pretty good to my bar buddies; I didn't happen to mention that she's vegan.
* * *
A drone company has obtained FAA approval to make air deliveries in Virginia. Locals are referring to this as "skeet shooting with instant prizes".
* * *
I looked for my old dentist's grave-site, but couldn't find it. There wasn't any plaque.
* * *
What an unrewarding life a racehorse has, spending his whole careers running round and round a big curved track! It's entirely pointless!
* * *
My wife said she wants me to be more loving. I took her advice to heart and I got myself two new girlfriends.
* * *
An instant coffee maker has no need for an electrical plug with three prongs. That's because the beans are ground.
* * *
You should have seen me back when I was a freshman, bossing the seniors around so much they whimpered for mercy! Needless to say, I left a lasting legacy... even today, high-schoolers aren't allowed to volunteer at the nursing home.
* * *
Why did astronauts in orbit drink so much Tang?
They couldn't get 7-up.
* * *
Plenty of pioneers heading west would stop off at Madam Terry's whorehouse. It was a rowdy place, but the men were always careful to pay proper respect to their hostess... more than one saddle tramp died from dissin' Terry.
* * *
Dr. McCoy: "According to Starfleet medical journals, even a half-Vulcan is incapable of displaying emotions."
Mr. Spock: "I can't say I'm surprised."
* * *
Camouflage clothing is a poor fashion statement. That's why you never see anyone wearing it.
One can readily understand why Pinocchio blew off school and went on adventures; he was board stiff.
* * *
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; my dad's treated me like a mug ever since.
* * *
Q: How do you calculate relative velocity?
A: Keep track of your speed when you're fleeing from your family.
* * *
The inventor of Velcro died in 1990. RIP.
* * *
A drunk stumbles up to Joe's Bar, collapsing against the wall right outside the door. He then flags down a cab and climbs inside.
"Take me to Joe's Bar," he slurs.
"You're at Joe's bar!" the cabby scowls.
"Thanks," mumbles the barfly, handing him a twenty. "But next time down drive so fast."
* * *
We couldn't decide whether to have my great grandfather buried or cremated. In the end, it was simpler to just let him go on living.
* * *
Hodor's typical morning routine: raisin' Bran.
* * *
" 'Avengers: Endgame' is the twenty-second film in the MCU."
"Really? I heard it was much longer than that."
* * *
My neighbor has a reputation as a world-class theremin player. I doubt that's true; I've heard he doesn't touch the instrument.
* * *
If you're heading for Nonthaburi in Thailand, don't pass through the waist-high turnstile; you're going to Bangkok.
* * *
I refuse to take my demon twin cousins anywhere in the car. The law agrees with me: it's illegal to drive imp paired.
* * *
Bluebottle 1: "I'm parched, Joe. Let's buzz into this place and get us a drink."
Bluebottle 2: "You kiddn' me? Folks kill pests like us!"
Bluebottle 1: "Not in here! I've heard about this place! It's very accommodating; they've got flies' water!"
* * *
Q: What do you call a black and white flightless bird that spends most of its time in Arctic water?
A: Lost.
* * *
Revlon's just come out with an irresistible polish remover. They're calling it "Blitzkrieg"
* * *
Being a magician and being impotent have something key in common: both of them depend on missed erection.
* * *
I won't need any help with my embarrassing masturbation addiction; I'll beat it single-handed.
* * *
Scoffers used taunt Van Gogh by saying, "How do you ever expect to become a famous painter? You only have one ear!" But you know what he told them? "You'll have to speak up. I only have one ear."
* * *
Did you know that alcohol removes pimples, warts and even mild disfigurements? It's true! I never notice any of that stuff when I'm picking up gals at the bar!
* * *
Jesus is due for a Second Coming eventually. When that happens, don't count on another crucifixion; nobody double crosses Jesus!
* * *
Imperial Stormtroopers are the loneliest people in the Empire; they miss everybody.
* * *
Q: Why do workers picket?
A: Because when the factory owner exploits them, it's only natural to take a fence.
* * *
A blonde and her husband are lying awake in bed listening to the neighbor's dog, which has been howling all night long. Finally she can't take it anymore and storms downstairs, swearing, "I'll show 'em!"
Five minutes later she's back, but the racket's worse than ever.
"I thought you said you'd fix things!" the husband cries.
"I did!" the blonde states proudly. "I moved the mutt into our yard! Let's see how they like it for a change!"
"Hey, my baby brother just fell into the deep end of the swimming pool."
"We gotta do something! Babies can't swim!"
"Don't sweat it, dude. The pool's empty."
* * *
I recently joined the Gastrointestinal Awareness Organization. It's a bowel movement.
* * *
"The Olympics competitor from Botswana wants to throw his native spear instead of the traditional javelin."
"Assagai."
"Yeah, I'm rooting for him too."
* * *
There seem to be some radical alterations in this new "Sonic the Hedgehog" movie. Like, I guess he's now extremely religious; I hear he always has to go fast.
* * *
Q: What does a communist say when he breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: "It's not you, it's we."
* * *
My uncle moved from LA to start up an air conditioning franchise in our nation's capital. Well, he's getting plenty of calls, but not the right kind; he never should have called his business AC/DC.
* * *
"This new restaurant makes a big deal out of their "international" bathrooms."
"International?"
"Yeah. Outside: American. Inside: European."
* * *
My wife wants to bake a cake. She was trying for a bundt, but it went foul.
* * *
She: "Ain't love grand!"
He: "Sure. But I'm still staying single; divorce is closer to a hundred grand."
* * *
Would Steve Jobs do a better job in the White House than Donald Trump? That's comparing apples and oranges.
* * *
Offer me weed if you want to, but it's with cocaine that I draw the line!
* * *
How much sex should a straight guy have with another man?
Just enough to get bi.
* * *
My blonde girlfriend wants to do away with every baby lion in Africa. She says it's important to stop child predators.
* * *
My neighbor got tired of me making a pun out of everything he said. He told me he wanted me to take him literally for a change. So I did: I kidnapped him.
* * *
"This medicine won't make me well enough to get out of bed!"
"Just try it!"
"Wow! I stand corrected!"
* * *
I 've always heard that the men of ancient Rome were more obsessed with their erections then men are today. Even my history professor calls it a phallusy.
* * *
What do we do once the Flash dies?
Bury Allen.
* * *
Snow White never spent much time refilling the dwarfs' plates; no matter how much they wanted, it only took seven seconds.
* * *
Niagara and Viagra sound similar, but there's a big difference: 50 years, more or less.
* * *
Waitress: "Would you like to hear today's special, sir?"
Customer: "Certainly!"
Waitress: "Okay... today is special.
* * *
OJ Simpson was recently spotted in a cocktail lounge with a Margarita. But he swears it isn't true; he never wanted tequila.
* * *
Before I was married, my life felt incomplete. But as soon as I met my wife, I was finished.
It took only five minutes for Sherlock Holmes to discover the murder weapon. It was a brief case.
* * *
My mother worked in a strip club. You could say that I'm half pole-ish.
* * *
Brunette nurse: "Emergency rooms can be so sad! Just look at that poor man with only one eye."
Blonde nurse: "Okay. Which eye do you want me to close?"
* * *
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is enough. "How the hell did you get into my house?" is completely unnecessary.
* * *
Atheist astronaut: "We're up in outer space now. How come I don't see God?"
Devout astronaut: "You aren't being humble enough; doff your helmet."
* * *
The camel at our local zoo gave birth to a camel calf with a completely smooth back. The zookeepers are calling him Humphrey.
* * *
My wife tells me she wants to be pampered. Damn it, I didn't think I'd be changing diapers till we had kids!
* * *
Doctor: "This is unprecedented! You're the first person in history to have backwards DNA!"
Patient: "And...?"
* * *
My Amish cousin is having his 5th birthday party. His folks will be taking him to the Build a Barn Workshop.
* * *
I bought my wife a pug as a birthday present. At first, I thought it might prove off-putting... the squashed-in nose, the bulging eyes, the constant wheezing. But he soon got used to it.
* * *
"Do I get any training for this garbage collector job?"
"No need. You'll pick things up as you go."
* * *
I believe in looking out for number one... my puppy isn't house trained yet.
* * *
Landlord: "Hey! I want to talk to you about these high heating bills!"
Renter: "Sure! Stop by anytime! My door is always open!"
* * *
At a restaurant last night, my wife and I paid $300 for fresh octopus. Boy, did we feel like suckers!
* * *
R. Kelly doesn't see others as equals; he thinks of them as peons.
* * *
I say Hulu gives you the best value for money; my wife thinks it's Netflix. Harsh as it sounds, I'm leaving that woman... I have no tolerance at all for Hulu cost deniers.
* * *
"Says here that film archivists are trying to rediscover a lost movie about the life of King Richard the Lionheart. It was directed by Richard Donner and stars Richard Harris in the title role and Richard Burton as Saladin. Man, if only they can find it... what an embarrassment of riches!"
"I won't watch it! They're all a bunch of dicks!"
* * *
No one deserves to be punished for their fetish... not unless they're into humiliation. In that case, I'll gladly grind your face into the dust, you little worm!
* * *
Deputy: "Sheriff! I just saw the Romaine Kid! He left his farm and is coming into town!"
Sheriff: "Are you sure it's him?"
Deputy: "Yep! He's covered in ranch dressing!"
* * *
Blonde: "I'll never understand how cloning works."
Brunette: "That makes two of us."
* * *
Brunette: "The cops just arrested my brother for shoplifting."
Blonde: "Those guys are so brave! I'd never take on anybody that strong!"
* * *
Blonde: "Hey, look at that cloud floating in the sky! It's shaped just like a bunny rabbit!"
Cloud: "Hey, look at that gal lying on the grass! She's shaped just like an idiot!"
"Hi Ho, Hi Ho!" from "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" is an upbeat, jolly tune. You'd expect it to be gloomy... it's performed in a miner key.
* * *
I once threw a boomerang so hard, it went completely out of sight. I now live in constant fear.
* * *
A blonde went to the theater to watch "Jaws 3D". Every time the giant shark popped out of the screen, she would cower behind the seat.
The guy next to her scornfully whispered, "What the heck are you doing? Don't you understand this is only a movie?"
"Of course I know that!" the girl whimpered. "I'm a human being and have intelligence. But does the dumb shark know it?"
* * *
I asked my yoga instructor to a meeting so he could teach us all the disciple, but he showed up drunk... put me in a really awkward position.
* * *
Typically, German homes have tiny living rooms. That's because the last guy would wanted more started World War II.
* * *
Which of the Romantic era composers was also a professional wrestler?
Gustav Mahler.
* * *
I managed to burn down my house simply by poking a few holes in the wall. How was I supposed to know it was a fire drill?
* * *
Did you know that Helen Keller had a unique musical talent? She could play piano with one hand and sing with the other!
* * *
I'm worried about my pet poodle; he ate a bunch of ants this morning, then yelped with glee. What an odd bark!
* * *
First kindergartner: "What are you drawing?"
Second kindergartner: "A picture of God."
First kindergartner: "But no one knows what God looks like!"
Second kindergartner: "Of course not! I'm not done with my picture yet!"
* * *
What do demon children do for fun?
Go to plague rounds.
* * *
I just had a pair of polarizing lenses fitted into my glasses' frames... can't decide if I love 'em or hate 'em.
* * *
In Bram Stoker's novel, Count Dracula travels to England from his homeland in the Carpathians by ship, feasting on the captain along the way. You might say he took a blood vessel.
* * *
I understand that Queen Elizabeth attended a criminal trial and accidentally belched when the verdict was being read. She quickly issued a royal pardon.
* * *
"You really think gays are monsters?"
"Just the ones that came out of the closet."
* * *
I had to tell off our Indian chef because he made my favorite meal with something other than chicken. It was a cormorant.
* * *
"I knew we shouldn't have come to this Chinese restaurant! Our waiter just gave my order to a white guy sitting a a completely different table! Ha! I guess we all look alike to them!"
"That isn't our waiter."
* * *
Theresa May plans to resign as Britain's Prime Minister on June 7. There is precedence for this: the first of June typically signals the end of May.
* * *
My wife's lousy cooking gives me sinus headaches; every time she make a meal, I get pseudo fed.
* * *
Why hasn't Godzilla ever attacked Israel?
Because he's kaijuish.
* * *
Working with soulless computers causes even devout programmers to eventually lose their religion. They become heretechs.
* * *
Surgeon: "See this entry in the Guinness Book of World Records? I'll never forget that man. He's had his penis severed on six separate occasions, and six times I've had to attach it again."
Chicks are like rocks... you can skip the flat ones.
* * *
Olive: "Popeye, have you seen the latest from Apple? They want customers to pay $1,000 just to prop up their new computer monitor!"
Popeye: "I can't stands no more!"
* * *
I believe in eating a well balanced diet. That's why at mealtime you'll find me with a Big Mac in each hand.
* * *
"Go on green and stop on red" isn't just a rule for traffic; i'ts also mighty good advice when working a lawn mower.
* * *
I give great relationship advice. Trust me... I've been in thousands of them.
* * *
A New Hampshire seafood restaurant has the state motto "Live Free or Die" displayed right behind the lobster tank.
A patron from the west coast views the plaque and tells his waiter, "Fer cryin' out loud, no need for threats! I'll take one of the live ones! And you don't have to charge me!"
* * *
My wife may be suicidal sometimes, but she still brightens up my day. She sets herself on fire regularly.
* * *
To get some attention, I've hung myself in the kitchen and am waiting to see how my wife reacts when she returns from the store. Hope she gets back soon... the suspense is killing me.
* * *
According to the ladies, I have the body of a Greek god! One of the important ones, too... some guy called Hephaestus.
* * *
"Never visit Pripyat unless you're wearing pants with a lead zipper."
"Why not?"
"Chernobyl fallout."
* * *
Our next-door neighbor has really big breasts and spends a lot of time outside topless. Needless to say, I'm constantly peaking out the window: I'm hoping one day his wife will do the same.
* * *
There's a kid at our school who's half Indian. We call him Ian.
* * *
Tiger Lily: "I'm through with you, Peter! You treat me like a stereotype!"
Peter Pan: "How?"
* * *
I'd like to breed pythons for a living, but I couldn't pass the veterinary course: the homework ate my dog.
* * *
Brunette: "Let me get this straight... you think Julius Caesar was a Christian saint?"
Blonde: "He must have been! According to my brother, he was a holy man."
* * *
10 years ago, my twin brother went to jail for a crime I committed, so just last week I returned the favor. It's amazing how alike we are... always finishing each other's sentences.
* * *
God: "Hey! One of my apples is gone! I told you not to touch 'em! You'll bloody well pay for this!"
Eve: "Can I don it on an installment plan?"
* * *
As an experiment, conservation scientists have taken a polar bear from his home in the Arctic Circle and successfully raised him in Antarctica. Some improvement... he's now a bi-polar bear.
* * *
As a child, I was unreasonably insecure. My reaction was to be constantly sassy and disobedient; it kept me grounded.
* * *
Oliver: "Hello sir. My name is Oliver Twist."
Fagin: "Ah! The young orphan boy!"
Oliver: "Hey, I told the rest of the kids to keep that a secret! Who gave me away?"
Fagin: "Your folks, apparently."
* * *
My first marriage was a life-changing event. My second was a wife-changing event.
* * *
Kid #1: "How come you're cryin'?"
Kid #2: "I walked into the kitchen when my dad was busy chopping."
Brunette: "Dang it! I accidentally dropped my cell-phone in the sink! The water will ruin it!"
Blonde: " Don't panic, I'll help you. Wait one minute while I dial your number... that should ring it out."
* * *
My dad was terribly inconsistent why I was growing up... always told me to push my limits, yet freaked when I was clocked going 50 in a school zone.
* * *
Brunette: "I'm bisexual. How about you?"
Blonde: "Yeah, I must be too. Shopping always makes me horny."
* * *
A pair of woodchucks wandered into a convent and were taken in by the sisters. After that, Bruce Lee adopted them; he could always use a pair of nunchucks.
* * *
I have a bit of advice for you... : adv.
* * *
God blamed Adam. Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the serpent. Which of them was the worst?
I'm not naming any names, but his guilt is undeniable. He hasn't got a leg to stand on.
* * *
I'm trying to get back in touch with the natural world and have recently been communing with a bunch of the elemental forces. For the most part, it's gone pretty well: I immediately warmed up to fire, got down to earth, and had a blast with air. Yep, we all had a great time... everybody but water. Seemed to me there was always water tension.
* * *
Karen Carpenter became so scrawny from anorexia that she finally died. Her musical group, the Carpenters, considered it a signal transmission problem: she could have used a lot more bandwidth.
* * *
Teacher: "What do you know about absolute zero?"
Student: "That's when all the atoms stop moving, at 459 below zero on the thermometer."
Teacher: "Well, you're right, to a degree."
* * *
I have an uncontrollable compulsion to play word games. My family's worried about it, but still supportive; for my birthday, they got me addictionairy.
* * *
It's so sad! After 40 years we suddenly lost our church musician... organ failure.
* * *
Ganon the archvillain was always keen to marry Zelda the princess. What excitement... there was clearly a Link between them!
* * *
I'll never understand society! My cousin donates a kidney and everyone calls him a hero! But when I try to donate 10, I get arrested!
* * *
Genie: "You have released me from the magic lamp! Make any wish and it shall come true."
Aladdin: "Okay. I wish I was invisible. Can you make that happen?"
Gen e: "Of course, Master, f that s your w sh."
* * *
Genie: "Name your second wish and I shall grant it."
Aladdin: "I wish I had a hat."
Genîe: "Weîrd request, but certaînly."
* * *
Genie: "You wanna try this wish thing one more time?"
Aladdin: "It's so stressful! Man, I wish I was you."
Genue: "Unterestung chouce."
* * *
Astronomy may not seem like a sexy pursuit, but it really is. Some celestial bodies are incredibly hot.
* * *
A new fad activity seems to be killing kids off in bizarre, unnatural ways. I mean, what ugly vice could they possibly cause them to become vapors?
* * *
I chose to quit my job teaching high school for active military duty in Afghanistan... the risk of getting shot was becoming too great.
* * *
What make of car does a German cowboy drive?
Audi, ma'am.
* * *
You've heard about the Flintstones baby, Pebbles? Well, I understand she's awfully shy. Don't worry... she'll soon become a little bolder.
* * *
I used to keep hives in the backyard, but my wife insisted I get rid of her because of the constant stinging. I thought she was exaggerating... then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.
* * *
"I am a magic genie. I shall grant you three wishes."
At the end of "Avengers-Infinity War", Thor sinks his ax into Thanos' chest. Most viewers assumed that this was an attempt to kill him, but I contend that the thunder god actually wanted to determine if the alien tyrant was a war hero. He was looking for his Purple Heart.
* * *
My favorite treat: frozen apples! They're hardcore!
* * *
A canary flies into a bar, looks around disappointedly and begins to leave.
"Nothing I can do for you, huh?" the bartender queries.
"Nope," the bird replies. "This place looked a lot seedier on the outside."
* * *
Nowadays, people in Russia have many entertainment choices. They can even get Netflix. It wasn't nearly that good when the Soviets were in charge... back then, it was nyetflix.
* * *
He: "Wow, I've been transferred! Our company's taking over a business in Madrid and they want me to be in charge. What a surprise!"
She: "Of course it is. No one expects the Spanish acquisition."
* * *
What do you hope for when the home of an agoraphobic person catches fire?
That one or the other of them goes out.
* * *
Chuck Norris and Superman had a bet about which one of them could beat up the other. The loser had to wear his underpants on the outside.
* * *
Woody and Buzz once met with a pair of Andy's mom's toys. Interestingly, they had the exact same names.
* * *
I emptied out my entire bank account to feed my drug habit. Worst withdrawal symptoms yet.
* * *
The introduction of a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
"I once ate my friend's lunch."
... as opposed to...
"I once ate my friend's colon."
* * *
My pet octopus is getting too fat. I'm going to have to put him on a low-crab diet.
* * *
Brunette: "I just got through shopping at Whole Foods."
Blonde: "Great! I could really use a donut!"
* * *
Now that I'm married, I find that I have a lot of trouble falling asleep right after sex. I still have that long drive back home, y'know.
* * *
When you pass away, all your body functions stop immediately... all except for the pupils of your eyes. They dilate.
* * *
Geppetto went into the enchanted forest one day to cut some wood. He approached a fine looking sapling and raised his ax, when a voice cried out, "Don't chop me, Geppetto! I'm a magic talking tree!"
"Ah!" Geppetto mused. "Dialogue!"
* * *
On my last flight, I ended up right alongside a 6-month old baby. Jesus, five straight hours of blubbering and balling... I woke that poor kid up constantly.
* * *
Which dinosaur ate with its tail?
All of them. Did you think they removed it at mealtime?
* * *
When I was young and reckless, I once shot up a bank. Yeah, the river water was that cold!
* * *
Airport security has done a great job lately, insuring that no potential terrorists are smuggling bombs inside their clothing. You really have to take your hats off to them!
* * *
She: "Here's a list of all the places I want us to go on our 32nd wedding anniversary."
He: "How the heck do you think we can do any of this stuff in half a minute?"
* * *
Turning a negative into a positive is a great work ethic. Unless, of course, you happen to be an electrician.
* * *
My therapist advised me to deal with my rage by writing savage letters to all the people I hate, then burning them. And you know what? It's working out fine! The only drawback... what am I supposed to do with all this returned mail?
When I was in the grocery store the other day, I happened to see an aisle marked "pet food". After pet rocks, I suppose this was the next logical step.
* * *
Be on the lookout for that guy groping women in the park. Cops have tried to collar him, but he's eluded them twice; so far, it's been touch and go.
* * *
My body is my temple... yep, it's in ruins.
* * *
During the '60s, the DEA was on the lookout for anyone getting high off banana peels. You can understand why; they're renown for causing bad trips.
* * *
I robbed a mushroom farmer last night, but in the end it was me who lost. It's now all over town that I got absolutely no morels.
* * *
Why did the vulture cross the road?
'Cause the chicken only made it halfway.
* * *
I lost my best buddy in a climbing incident; he beat me to that supervisor job.
* * *
Marriage councilor: "Your wife complains that you never buy her flowers."
Husband: "Of course not! Have you seen how much she charges?"
* * *
The guards asked me which toothpaste I wanted during my term in prison. I opted for cavity protection.
* * *
I'd tell you how much I hate trigonometry, but I don't want to go off on a tangent.
* * *
Why couldn't the three Mexican chickens cross the road?
There was a "No Trespassing" sign on the other side.
* * *
After eating all that licorice candy, I spent a very restless night. I had nightmares of all sorts.
* * *
"How many feet are in a yard?"
"That depends on how many people you invited to our barbecue."
* * *
If you've seen even one landmark in Washington DC, you've seen the Mall.
* * *
Mussolini wasn't simply an evil dictator... he was one of the earliest proponents of plant-based fuels. He made the trains run on thyme.
* * *
A Russian acrobat troupe came to the US to perform, but the guy who provided the base of the human pyramid acted suspiciously and got deported. The rest of them protested, but it did not good... they didn't have Oleg to stand on.
* * *
An entomologist has begun a special project that requires him to weigh different varieties of ants. It's a small scale operation.
* * *
Our governor wants to make school playgrounds safer by removing all the equipment except for the see-saw. Unfortunately for him, this is a swing state.
* * *
The new "Toy Story" movie deals with an alien jigsaw puzzle who arrives from another planet. His first words upon meeting the Woody and the Buzz: "I come in pieces."
* * *
Our local priest has laced the holy water with castor oil. He's hoping to start a religious movement.
* * *
The difference between a chemist and a plumber: the way they pronounce "unionized".
* * *
I have either amnesia or insomnia; I can't remember which is which, but I haven't lost any sleep over it.
Mary Jane has forced Peter Parker to get out of the superhero racket and take up pest control. He's unusually qualified for the job... he can tell instantly how many tarantulas or black widows are inside any given building. All he has to do is check his spider census.
* * *
The Bronx Zoo is eager to get one of it's endangered male mountain gorillas together with a female gorilla at the San Diego Zoo. According to officials, they're prime mates.
* * *
It's been said that drinking beer produces imbecility from dead brain cells, but I'm not so sure. I've also heard that Anheiser-Busch makes Bud wiser.
* * *
Support your local bars... they're what separate us from the animals.
* * *
Men traditionally give women chocolates. These treats were designed for the ladies... the pronouns most closely associated with them have always been "her" and "she".
* * *
I have no problem at all with gay marriage. If a gay man wants to marry a gay woman, I say why not!
* * *
Zookeeper: "Here we have the most unique animal in our collection: a possum that cannot pee."
Little Jimmy: "Man, that's awesome!"
* * *
I know every single digit of pi. I just don't know them in the right order.
* * *
Q: What was the battle anthem of the Ottoman troops when they attacked the Russians during the 1853 Danube Campaign?
A: "Crimea River!"
* * *
My dad went off on my sister for telling him she wanted to be a horsewoman. I haven't seen either of them since he rode her into the sunset.
* * *
The pastry chef's lemon pie has come back from the dead! It's a boo meringue!
* * *
I used to be insufferably conceited. Fortunately, I've striven to gain humility lately; as a result, I've now become perfect.
* * *
I've discovered how to convert mammals into insects. It's deceptively easy... simply cut the ear off a bear. What you have leftover is a bee.
* * *
Most of my appliances are merely adequate. They come from the Satis factory.
* * *
Patient: "Doctor, can I really trust you to do this delicate spinal cord surgery?"
Doctor: "Don't worry, son. I've got your back."
* * *
That Pavlov experiment succeeded beyond expectations! Even after all his dogs had died, he continued to fill the bowls every time he heard a bell.
* * *
Larry Talbot was painfully conscious of his terrible condition: he was awarewolf.
* * *
Scientists dismiss the existence of a Russian abominable snowman. You know the one I'm talking about: the nyeti.
* * *
"Waiter, do you have frogs legs?"
"Why yes indeed, sir!"
"Great! Hop on into the kitchen and grab me a steak."
* * *
He: "How about we vacation in a place where the waving wheat can sure smell sweet?"
She: "I guess that would be OK."
* * *
"I can't think of anything cooler than going to the beach on the Fourth of July!"
"I can: going to the beach at Christmas."
* * *
A secretary sees the company's CEO standing next to the paper shredder with a document.
"I don't know anything at all about this darned machine!" he fumes. "Can you make it work?"
Swiftly and efficiently, the secretary hits the "on" button, then feeds each page into the slot.
"That's more like it!" her boss beams. "Now print me out ten copies."
The doctor had me do a swallow test and he must have expected terrible results. When his nurse asked what was needed, he told her, "Just bury 'im."
* * *
Summer's Eve is branching out; they've created a product expressly for men. It's called Umpire... it's good at detecting foul balls.
* * *
I've dated plenty of chicks lately. It's pretty easy, really... most of them had just been hatched.
* * *
The gallery is serving cabbage rolls and bean dip during its new display of expressionist paintings. I don't think I'll go... it sounds artsy-fartsy to me.
* * *
My dog is hi-tech... he has collar ID.
* * *
A detective came to my house to ask me, "Where were you between 5 and 6?"
So, I told him the truth: in kindergarten.
* * *
Richard the 1st brought something revolutionary back from the Holy Land... a pet named Simba, which he decked out completely in a suit of metal armor. It was the world's first fe-lion.
* * *
Burger King has formed an alliance with the Sultan of French Fries. The latter is a foreign potentato.
* * *
Ahab tried and tried to figure out the enigma of Moby Dick. In the end, he was stumped.
* * *
I get annoyed as hell every time I have to put on my work clothes. I'm a cross dresser.
* * *
Surgeon: "David, this is a very simple operation. Nothing to be nervous or upset about."
Patient: "My name's not David, Doctor. It's Alex."
Surgeon: "I know that. My name is David."
* * *
To increase ridership, the railway industry has decided to feature stand-up comedians on express lines. Just what every funnyman wants... a laugh track.
* * *
I'll probably die the day before marijuana becomes completely legal in the US. If that happens, I'll be rolling in my grave.
* * *
I hate French restaurants! They give me the crepes!
* * *
Activists are gearing up to raid Area 51. Fools! They won't find any aliens there! Trump already deported 'em!
* * *
Q: Why did NASA send astronauts to the moon in space capsules?
A: Because it was too far to walk.
* * *
Teacher: "Which came first? The chicken or the egg?"
Little Johnny: "I'm pretty sure the rooster came first."
* * *
I just attended my first cricket match. Those bugs can jump a lot farther than I thought!
* * *
Reeses has created a new Peanut Butter Cup that's four times the size of an ordinary one. They're calling it the Peanut Butter Quart.
* * *
I've read the Columbine manifesto, and frankly and can't make heads or tails of it. But it was probably aimed at a much younger crowd.
* * *
Our high school's so tough they have a guard at the gate checking for weapons. I hope it'll be enough; he only gave me a pair of brass knuckles.
* * *
Did you know that gerbils die during the sex act? Evidently they suffocate.
My mom said I should get a toilet brush for my apartment, so I did. Jesus, what a mistake! I'm going back to toilet paper!
* * *
Comic Sans walks into a bar.
"Get out!" growls the bartender. "We don't serve your type!"
* * *
My blind date told me she wanted to have sex in the back of my car. It was bad enough taking her to her boyfriend's house, but I really got annoyed when she insisted I driver 'em around for half an hour.
* * *
"My sister has her very own line of clothes."
"Wow! She's been incredibly successful!"
"Humph! Not successful enough to get the drier fixed."
* * *
My cat doesn't like being held and I thought the vet understood that. Even so, I guess I should have been more careful when I asked him to put her down.
* * *
Hear about the hipster who became a cemetery technician? He really digs graves.
* * *
I've been reading about the drawbacks of drinking, smoking and having wild sex, and it's taught me a valuable lesson about abstinence. I've decided to give up reading.
* * *
Never apply for any job that has you digging post holes all day... it's boring.
* * *
The cop who stopped me going 50 in the school zone must have had Alzheimer's! The first thing he said when I rolled down the window was, "Have you got any idea why I pulled you over?"
* * *
I just got a special tattoo to let my girlfriend know she can count one me. It reads: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."
* * *
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a best friend?
You can always count on a best friend to give you a little space.
* * *
Yesterday at the beach, my wife got stung on the leg by a jellyfish. She begged me to pee on it to stop the pain, so I did. Man, the sight of that urine-soaked jellyfish must have been satisfying!
* * *
A good time girl sauntered up to me at the bar last night and asked, "Are you game?"
"You bet I am!" I replied enthusiastically.
So she shot me.
* * *
For the costume party, my wife wanted us to dress up as characters from "Sausage Party". I went along with it though I didn't much like the idea... it was humiliating, to be Frank.
* * *
I showed the remnants of my luggage to an attorney when I contemplated suing the airline, but he turned me down. He didn't see much of a case.
* * *
Looking for a stud? I've got STD... all I need is U!
* * *
Q: How much do individual s'mores weigh?
A: Not much more than a couple of grahams.
* * *
I had a bad case of swine flu until I was cured. Now I have ham flu.
* * *
"Word around town is that you prefer sheep to people."
"Yep, that's what I herd."
* * *
The early bird may catch a worm, but only 'cause he cheats. The only way he's early is by traveling through a wormhole.
* * *
Ivy League colleges must be great for educating blue-collar workers! I hear that ivy has ten drills!
* * *
A New Guinea tribesman invited a couple of missionaries over for dinner. One of the visitors tasted a mouthful from his bowl and beamed, "My! Your wife makes a really excellent stew!"
"Why thank you!" the islander replied. "I'm so glad you like her!
