Question for the ladies, though guys please feel free to respond

[dardanos78]

I was just curious, ladies, if a guy is in the military, would you consider that a pro or a con in this day and age of dating/relationships?
The reason I ask is I have been in the Navy for almost a year now and although I get the occasional "thanks for your service" handshakes from most people, when I talk to most women they usually run for the hills when they find out that I am military.
Even on personals websites I usually fared well enough to at least start e mailing someone before something causes either myself or the person I'm talking to to part ways. But lately I've been searching the ads, sending out flirts/winks all with no luck save for the few bogus ads that are obviously not real people.
In the bar scenes its similar, though I can usually spark a conversation with a nice young woman, once the question of "what do you do for a living" comes around I dread it because usually it ends with us parting amicably with no contact info exchanging hands.
I've been thinking about this a great deal and wonder if I sacrificed more than I bargained for when I signed up or am I just barking up the wrong trees? Any insight would be wonderful and helpful.

 

[Bohemianne]

Sort of Reality

Ever since I was a little girl, it's a common dinner conversation:

marrying military man = future chances of being a sexy widow

While your are in a noble/honorable vocation, you can't deny ladies will have second thoughts. They will need the man than the medal of gallantry over coffins. To those who go for military men, they have 50/50 chances. These women are optimist lovers. Goodluck.

 

[dardanos78]

Ok, thats one thought. But I'm not a lifer. I guess people don't see that, they just think military and instantly think he's in for life. But thanks for your response.

 

[minerva]

hmmm, if I met someone and liked him, I wouldn't care. For me it's about the guy, not about his occupation.
Sure, it could be hard being with someone, who's might be away for a while, not to mention the worries, that might be involved, but then again, I simply can't plan who I fall in love with

 

[tcklft]

Where did your military friends meet their SOs? You might want to frequent such places.

 

[Cosmo_ac]

this is just my thoughts on the subject and some of these might not apply, so here goes.

Reason why a person wouldn;t want a relationship with somebody in the military.

1. Travel. The military chooses were you are, not you. You might be down the street from your SO one week, and on the other side of the planet the next. Long term relationships can be a large strain for any relationship, so the possibility that the relationship might suddenly turn long term could scare some away.

2. Loss of life. Depending on what role a person had in the military, their life can be put on the line, and because of that, some don't want to risk a relationship with a person who is more likely to die then others. People who work other dangerous jobs sometimes have this trouble too.

3. Anti-Military. Some people just don't like the military, or in some cases, don't like those who control the military, and then dislike the military by default.

4. Actions while in the military. A person might have just been doing their job, but sometimes what a person whose in the military does can cause the other party to lose interest.

those are just a few ideas.

 

[steph]

Thanks for your service!
Seriously though, good for you--my pop was stationed at Point Dume~are there O Clubs around anymore? We lived there in college~my best friend wanted to land a military guy and actually married a Canadian Naval Officer we met at the Camelia Festival one year. All of the major male figures in my life have been either football players or military men. My last serious boyfriend was in the Air Force (Korea~the long distance and change in him is what finally ruined the relationship) and my high school sweetheart/first love (stationed at Wirzburg, died when I was 19 mountain climbing.) THAT history alone is enough to tell me something about me and military men but they were GREAT, amazing guys and I think having had the opp to see the world with them (and for free!) would have been super cool if things had worked out. Not to mention the help with education, home buying programs, etc. Hell, I might've joined myself once upon a time, had I thought things out differently.
Y'hang in there~she's out there somewhere!
XOXO

 

[dardanos78]

Where did your military friends meet their SOs? You might want to frequent such places.

I did think about this myself. From what I gather a majority of people were in relationships before joining up; either already married, engaged, or decided to tie the knot to stay together. Many others marry outside the country, primarily the Philippines or Brazil. And others still get married to fellow military, though that boggles my mind since they could be separated for who knows how long. I don't know of anyone who met their SO while they were military and got married (save for the foreign marriages).

Cosmo_AC you do bring up some good points, especially the Travel. I'm not sure of your marital situation but hypothetically, if you liked someone in the military would these be enough to deter you from seeking a relationship with them? Or is being a military person enough to keep you from liking them at all? I've always been aware that these are legitimate concerns but I guess I never realized that they were like a repellent for finding someone.

Steph, thank you for your response, and you are very welcome. I'm not sure if any O clubs are still around, I would imagine so. I guess not everyone realizes that being in the military has many benefits to it as well.

Minerva you and I seem to share the same logic. But I have had the door slammed on me so many times as soon as I mention what I do. Looks like there was something else my recruiter "forgot" to tell me about. Well thanks for responding.
Any one else feel like adding?

 

[lk70]

I do thank you for your service and I respect your decision to be in the military but I'm one of those who wouldn't consider dating someone in the military.

For me, it's because I'm anti-military. but you know, the show Army Wives on Lifetime hasn't done anything to make that life look appealing, at least not to women who have interest in their own careers or lives.

 

[Cosmo_ac]

Cosmo_AC you do bring up some good points, especially the Travel. I'm not sure of your marital situation but hypothetically, if you liked someone in the military would these be enough to deter you from seeking a relationship with them? Or is being a military person enough to keep you from liking them at all? I've always been aware that these are legitimate concerns but I guess I never realized that they were like a repellent for finding someone.

Well, simply being in the military wouldn't turn me off them. I'm more likely to be turned off of them by something they might have done, but thats a pretty short list as well.

The possibility of them dying could cause me concern, but women don't typically take part in active assaults from what i understand they are usually kept off the frontlines of combat. And of course, she could easily be an army medic, drill instructor, mechanic, or any other job that is non-combative, so i don't think i would worry as much as women might worry about a male soldier.

Now, the travel part could get a bit troublesome though. Let me relate a little story. In my company we have a decent amount of people who have SO's in the millitary because we have an army base around where i live and work. Because of that i got the chance to meet a women whose husband was in the military. Now, they had two or three young children, and long story short, when her husband was sent to Israel or some other country, she had to quiet her job at my company(And she had put in a lot of time to get full time and was a decent worker too) because she couldn't work the hours and needed to be at home for her children.

Personally,i don't have any schooling skills. It's not like i'm a plumber or something and would be able to find a job if i was to move with her to another city. I'm a manual labour grunt, and if i left here, i'd be leaving an almost 18 dollar and hour job with great benefits and perks. But, if i loved her enough, maybe i could do it. However, the next problem is, kids. If she's just going to be in the military for several years so she ca earn a degree or something, thats one thing, but if she's a lifer, i wonder how fair that would be to the children, having to either not have their mom around a portion of the time, or being moved from army base to army base as seen fit by who ever decides were she's needed.

A relationship between two people changes a lot when you have children.

 

[dardanos78]

Well, simply being in the military wouldn't turn me off them. I'm more likely to be turned off of them by something they might have done, but thats a pretty short list as well.

This is the main point I am trying to understand. I have always understood that there are large hurdles to overcome when a spouse is military. Even before I thought about enlisting, I never thought to myself "I could never date anyone in the military". I can understand people with prior experience being turned off. I just didn't know there was such widespread uneasiness concerning military people.
I guess it frustrates me because people don't realize that just because your in the military doesn't mean you'll be moving all over the country/world, your life isn't always in danger (at least no more than regular civilian life), and there are very few jobs that might cause someone to do some immoral or reprehensible things (at least in the Navy, can't comment on any of the other branches).
Well thank you for answering my questions.

 

[Tamia78]

Good question, I actually never thought about the "why" of it.....
I pretty much agree with Cos (there's a 1st for everything), the traveling part of it being the most difficult for me to swallow. I'd really prefer to be near my guy, so him having to move at any point in a relationship/marriage would be hard to take. Not to say that I can't do it, I just wouldn't PREFER it.

--T

 

[maniactickler]

I wouldnt move for any woman. either she comes to me or forget it.

 

[Cosmo_ac]

I guess it frustrates me because people don't realize that just because your in the military doesn't mean you'll be moving all over the country/world, your life isn't always in danger (at least no more than regular civilian life), and there are very few jobs that might cause someone to do some immoral or reprehensible things (at least in the Navy, can't comment on any of the other branches).

The only advice i can give, is to keep trying, and try explaining the things you just wrote down here to them. Their are no garrentee's in life, but anything is better then just rolling over and dying.

 

[MrPartickler]

I'm not in the military, but my $0.02 would just be that you may be making this into more of a problem than it has to be.

I'm sure some women will decide, right off the bat, to have nothing to do with you just because of your current job, but I don't think that's the norm. (You could replace the word job there with almost anything you like.) I think if there were a significant truth to that for guys in the military, you'd see a LOT more single, dateless, lonely soldiers out there. And I never thought "men in uniform" were particularly hard-up for women.

If I had to suggest anything, it would be just to make sure you don't "lead" with your job (or with any preoccupation with long term effects) while you're just meeting women for the first time. I mean, people (any people) will want to hang around you because of who you are, not what you do. So take it one step at a time. Have fun. Sure you can say what you do, but it's no biggie. They'll see it the way you present it. There's no reason to burden those early conversations with thoughts about what may or may not happen a year from now. If a woman really enjoys your company today she'll probably enjoy it tomorrow too. Next thing you know, you'll be going on your 10th date with her and thinking about dating a woman who has a better job.

Again, just my two-cents. Good luck.