To Me, It's Like A Scarlet Letter...
It's tormented me for over 40 years. It's the purest definition of a love/hate relationship for me. It's like a drug addiction--over these years, I have turned from it, beaten it, reached a point that finally it didn't seem to effect me in thought or sight...then one day, for no apparent reason, something triggers and I'm slammed back into it and I begin again. I'm in one of those phases now, which is why I'm here--knowing I shouldn't be (for personal reasons best left undisclosed) and knowing I will deal with intense guilt later. Eventually I will renounce, turn away again, and then the whole cycle starts over. But for now, I'm hiding behind the mask of "research" and in lurk-mode. This is the first thing I've ever posted, so please indulge me, if you would be so kind...
What makes it even worse is that, beyond that feeling of being an "outcast" in what society terms as "normal", I have to take it a step further and feel as though I'm even somewhat of an outcast within this very community. NOT BY ANY OF YOUR ACTIONS; please, that's not at all what I mean. Almost everyone here is most kind and welcoming from what I've read! (As the old saying goes--"It's not you, it's
me!" LOL)
It's because I am neither 'lee nor 'ler. I have no desire to participate in the actions themselves. In fact, physical participation on either side makes me highly uncomfortable...not due to personal sensitivity; I'm just not ticklish, and on the occasions when I've been in a 'ler position, it does nothing for me. But--show me clips, toons and/or drawings, and I'm lost. My eyes are my sole erogenous zone in this genre (take the pun, if you'd like). That puts me drifting in the middle, with very little to contribute to either side--hence, pretty freekin' boring to most everyone here, I would think.
So...do I resent it? Yes, in a way. I have never been comfortable with it. I doubt I ever will be. My husband knows of it and does not judge me for it in any way, but by my own choice, we don't discuss it--it's beyond private. And as this is getting quite lengthy, I believe I should open another topic elsewhere, as I tend to drift... So, if I'm gonna spill, I might as well get it all out, huh?