TklDuo-Ann
2nd Level Black Feather
- Joined
- May 21, 2003
- Messages
- 8,393
- Points
- 0
Think Tank style
I've heard from several people in the community in the last few days. Most have had their own ideas about why I resigned as a mod
and (initially) planned to leave the TMF. Some of the reasons
stated were a part of the problem while others were not. Are there
problems in the community? Sure. What community doesn't have it's
problems...especially when they grow as large as we've become? It's
to be expected.
In trying to think of a way to address both the questions I've been
asked and the issues themselves, I've decided to write this post.
Given that this is the time of year when government agencies are
broadcasting their state of the union addresses, I'm calling this my
State of the TK Community Address.
. (my apologies in advance...this is going to be long)
There are some VERY positive things in the community as a whole...both things that have been seen in the past and are being seen now. The really great things aren't all in the community's past. Max saw one of the biggest crowds we've ever had at last years NEST. We now have several married couples in the community who, like Drew and I met through the community. The amount of folks (both individuals and companies) putting out tickling materials is at an all-time high. People are coming out of the closet and standing up to who they are. It's wonderful!
The vast majority of what I see here and around the rest of the online community is terrific. I don't see anything so overly threatening that it overshadows any of that. I DO see room for continued growth. And I see a spirit of discontent that, if allowed to flourish, could do harm to some of what we have. That's the reason for the things we're trying to implement.
We don't want to see this fabulous community faulter when there's something very simple that can be done to help prevent that. We invite anyone and everyone to join us...knowing that most will likely opt not to. And, that's fine. They don't have to. We just want them to know that they are welcome to do so if they share our vision.
First, where I'm coming from...
When the TMF first started, I was occupied elsewhere...my own site,
the AOL chats, etc. I steered clear of forums, yahoo groups and
newsgroups for the most part because much of what I saw was people
beating up on one another. I hated that. So, I simply stayed away.
It was based on Drew's recommendation, after his having lurked for a
while, that I checked things out here. I finally decided to join.
Why? Because I saw something different here. It wasn't just another
tickling site. It wasn't just a bunch of folks talking tickles. It
was people trying to form a real sense of community. That's why I
joined. Drew and I met through the fact that the online community
existed. It's why I've stuck around and become so involved in
things since then. It's also why I take it so seriously. I'm not
fighting for some forum. I'm fighting for the community. There's a
big difference there. Don't you think?
I've been told a number of times that "It's just a tickling forum."
People even said it in the good-bye thread. But, to me, it isn't
just a tickling forum. It's more than that. And, I want it to
continue to be more than that. I think that's true for a lot of us…
both mods and members at large. Maybe that's why we tend to take
things "too seriously" at times? I know it is for me.
I know there will be folks for whom this forum is just a place to
hang out and have a little fun. For them, it may not be a community
at all, just something to do. That's cool. I'm not going to sit
here and say that everyone has to see things the way I do. I'm just
going to do what I would hope others would do…share what this place
means to me and where I see potential for us to grow.
The Situation...
In the last few weeks, a lot of folks have been stressed out. The
usual holiday craziness, family illnesses, etc. take their toll on
us all. We get on edge and spout off more than we should. We all do
it. It's human nature. I was recently one of those spouting off
too. Stresses present in my life at the moment had added to other
things and caused me to begin losing focus. It wasn't until I was
no longer sure that I could stay out of the way of the very things
that I was trying to help accomplish that I knew I had to step
aside.
A miscommunication with someone played a roll in this. But, it
wasn't to blame. In an odd sort of way, it's good that it
happened. It was symptomatic of the very problem I've been trying
to express...and had obviously been doing a shitty job of it. lol
When we get to the point where even the "good guys" (whoever they
may be to each of us) start looking at one another with suspicion,
you know there's a problem. It's at that point that words become
ineffective and we need to step back and refocus ourselves.
The Symptoms...
Before being asked to join the mod squad, I had begun seeing some
subtle changes in things. There was nothing drastic. If there had
been people would have noticed it immediately and it would have been
dealt with. Some of the few who had already noticed were being less
than charitable or constructive in how they pointed it out. I've
done that too. So, of course, they/we weren't taken seriously.
(Kinda gives credence to the old saying about vinegar and honey,
eh?) I talked about this with Drew and with the Venrays before
deciding to accept the position of mod and join the team. I felt
honored to be asked and hopeful that I could help in addressing the
things we'd been seeing. (For anyone who may not be aware, we've
been good both on- and offline friends with Ray & Tracy for a few
years now.)
What, specifically, were we seeing? We saw people starting to be
suspicious of and defensive towards one another. People used to ask
one another for clarification when they weren't sure of the meaning
of something. Then, little by little, instead of asking for
clarification, people started assuming the worst and attacking one
another. Instead of respecting one another's opinions and beliefs,
we began pouncing on one another and calling one another idiots for
not thinking exactly the way we did…or for not being as
knowledgeable…or for being less able to express ourselves…or
whatever. People have grown defensive and on edge. Is it a major
problem right now? Not in the big picture…which is probably why
people thought I was full of it when I first tried to address it.
But, it certainly will be if allowed to flourish. And, it is a
major problem now to those who've been affected by it in various
ways.
This forum is only one aspect of the tickling community. But, it's a
big one. There are things we can do to help ease this mood back out
the door it came in before it gets a better foothold. AFA the TMF
itself goes…
My advice to the mod squad...
I have a real respect for each one of you. Having worked so closely
with you, I can now say with absolute certainty that your motives
and intentions are good even when the methods have faltered. It's
the perception folks have sometimes had of the actions we have taken
that has often led to that being called into question. Anyone who
truly knows you would be confident that this is not the case.
One thing that will help this is to be as clear and consistent as
entirely possible in our guidelines and their enforcement. (I knew
my own presentation of this to the other mods sucked when they
initially thought I meant that I wanted to just kick people out
after three strikes.) But, a rule that is clearly stated and
followed as visibly and evenly as possible across the board is
necessary. There's never going to be an absolute balance. We're all
individuals who see things differently. One person sees something
as crossing the line where another may not. That's only natural. I
know this is being worked on. It began before I left. I would
encourage everyone to be as supportive as possible in this.
My advice to my fellow members...
I've heard some great ideas from folks. We have some great minds
out there! But, we have to come to trust one another if anything is
going to be accomplished. If we hold back every thought we have out
of fear that someone's going to look at us funny or put us
down....or whatever...we won't get anywhere. Why are we all so
damned afraid to really TALK with one another? Hell, I've heard
things in the last 24 hours that I've never heard in the last
several years that I've been a part of the online community. Why
didn't I hear it before? I think it's because we've fallen away from
that community atmosphere. That colors every thought we have and
every action we take.
Take some time to get to really know one another. We aren't going to
truly understand one another and work/socialize as a cohesive group
until we get to know and trust one another. That's the biggest place
to start. Then everyone won't be looking over their shoulders and
afraid to say anything…or afraid that someone else is saying
something. We won't be assuming the worst when someone uses stronger
language in presenting things because we'll know where they're
coming from.
Many of the complaints I've heard from people (both during my time
as a mod and before/after that) have come down to people feeling
that someone was putting them down because they weren't agreeing
with whatever had been said by that person. We don't have to agree
with one another on every single point of our lives in order to get
along. I strongly disagree on individual issues with many of my
best friends. We simply choose to agree to disagree on those
issues. It doesn't make anyone a bad person. It simply makes us
unique. How boring it would be if we were all the same!
OK, so why didn't I say all this while I was still a mod rather than
walking away? Because I'd fallen into the very trap I'm referring
to. That's why I had to leave. I had to get out of my own way and
take a little time to be more objective...something I was starting
to lose. I got too emotional and too defensive myself. I'd have
started doing the same as many around here who get frustrated and
just start shooting people down. Now that I've stepped back and
given myself room to breathe, I can think more clearly and act more
effectively on those thoughts. All I'd have done the other way is
to have become part of the problem.
Some specifics for when we come upon something...
If someone says something that bothers you in some way, ask that
person about it in a calm manner. Don't be getting in their face
and condemning them. You may not have understood. I have one good
friend who, when we first met, had made a comment about something.
My initial reaction was to think, "What an ass!" But, of course, I
couldn't say that. So, I asked him to explain himself so I could
understand. You know what? After having entered the conversation
midway, I'd taken the comment totally out of context. Once I knew
the situation, I thought the comment was not only correct, but even
insightful. Let's give one another a chance. You may even find a
good friend in someone you thought was an ass. ;-)
If you see something that you think clearly crosses the line or that
just seems a little off and you think action may be needed, there's
a little spot in the bottom right hand side of every post on this
forum. It says "report this post to a moderator". Don't jump into
the thread and yell, "Stop being an asshole!" Instead, click that
link. Then, tell the mods what it is you're concerned about.
Contrary to popular opinion, not every thread is read by the mods.
They depend on you to let them know where there are things they've
missed.
I've heard a few folks mention "cliques". I'm not sure that's a
fair understanding of the dynamics that are here. When we're unable
to join in something that's going on, and again when folks are
discussing that event, it's easy to feel like they're rubbing our
noses in it because they got to do it and we didn't. That can be
true of folks connecting with another individual to play, a
gathering or any number of things. The common denominator is that
we can feel left out. That's only natural. But, that doesn't mean
that your input isn't welcome or wanted. If it weren't, open
posting about it wouldn't be taking place.
Group activities are good. Belonging to something is good. Maybe
there just isn't something that you've found yourself able to join
in yet. One of the things I'm working on is getting some cell
groups set up within the online community, many of which may also
move into some RL get-togethers. I would encourage those who've
felt left out of things in the past to let us know what kinds of
groups you'd like to see within the community. Rather than pulling
us apart from the larger group, it's my hope that this will
strengthen each person's presence and involvement in it.
In the last few days, I've heard some wonderful ideas from people.
My only question is, "Why didn't I hear these things before?" One
area of the TMF that isn't used that often is the "TMF Suggestions &
Feedback" forum. I would strongly encourage those who have ideas
and concerns to post them in there. (Remember, honey rather than
vinegar.) You never know what great things may come of your ideas
unless you share them.
My advice to myself...
Take a chill pill! Will ya, girl?! Sheeesh!! You're
not going to accomplish anything by walking away. So, rest
assured... I'm still going to be a part of the community. (Would
that give you rest or nightmares? Hmmmm! ) I'll be around on
the TMF and am joining other forums as well. This is but a
transition. I've heard some ideas in the past few days that I want
to play with...things that will help the community indirectly.
The "Think Tank" above refers to my new site and upcoming yahoo
group where we will dedicate ourselves to helping work out the
problems of the community. So, feel free to join the effort by
sharing your thoughts and concerns with us when I open the group in
a couple weeks.
If you agree that this community is worth the effort...If you agree
to be a part of the solution...If you refuse to be a part of the
problem... please indicate that by replying with "I agree". (Any
other comments are welcome as well.)
Peace!
Ann
PS - My instant messenger handle is TklDuo no matter which server you use. This new (to me, anyway) Trillion software let's me be open to everyone at the same time. So, if you want to chat about this or anything else, feel free. I'll try to be available as much as possible.
(editted to include statements resulting from further discussion below)
I've heard from several people in the community in the last few days. Most have had their own ideas about why I resigned as a mod
and (initially) planned to leave the TMF. Some of the reasons
stated were a part of the problem while others were not. Are there
problems in the community? Sure. What community doesn't have it's
problems...especially when they grow as large as we've become? It's
to be expected.
In trying to think of a way to address both the questions I've been
asked and the issues themselves, I've decided to write this post.
Given that this is the time of year when government agencies are
broadcasting their state of the union addresses, I'm calling this my
State of the TK Community Address.
. (my apologies in advance...this is going to be long)
There are some VERY positive things in the community as a whole...both things that have been seen in the past and are being seen now. The really great things aren't all in the community's past. Max saw one of the biggest crowds we've ever had at last years NEST. We now have several married couples in the community who, like Drew and I met through the community. The amount of folks (both individuals and companies) putting out tickling materials is at an all-time high. People are coming out of the closet and standing up to who they are. It's wonderful!
The vast majority of what I see here and around the rest of the online community is terrific. I don't see anything so overly threatening that it overshadows any of that. I DO see room for continued growth. And I see a spirit of discontent that, if allowed to flourish, could do harm to some of what we have. That's the reason for the things we're trying to implement.
We don't want to see this fabulous community faulter when there's something very simple that can be done to help prevent that. We invite anyone and everyone to join us...knowing that most will likely opt not to. And, that's fine. They don't have to. We just want them to know that they are welcome to do so if they share our vision.
First, where I'm coming from...
When the TMF first started, I was occupied elsewhere...my own site,
the AOL chats, etc. I steered clear of forums, yahoo groups and
newsgroups for the most part because much of what I saw was people
beating up on one another. I hated that. So, I simply stayed away.
It was based on Drew's recommendation, after his having lurked for a
while, that I checked things out here. I finally decided to join.
Why? Because I saw something different here. It wasn't just another
tickling site. It wasn't just a bunch of folks talking tickles. It
was people trying to form a real sense of community. That's why I
joined. Drew and I met through the fact that the online community
existed. It's why I've stuck around and become so involved in
things since then. It's also why I take it so seriously. I'm not
fighting for some forum. I'm fighting for the community. There's a
big difference there. Don't you think?
I've been told a number of times that "It's just a tickling forum."
People even said it in the good-bye thread. But, to me, it isn't
just a tickling forum. It's more than that. And, I want it to
continue to be more than that. I think that's true for a lot of us…
both mods and members at large. Maybe that's why we tend to take
things "too seriously" at times? I know it is for me.
I know there will be folks for whom this forum is just a place to
hang out and have a little fun. For them, it may not be a community
at all, just something to do. That's cool. I'm not going to sit
here and say that everyone has to see things the way I do. I'm just
going to do what I would hope others would do…share what this place
means to me and where I see potential for us to grow.
The Situation...
In the last few weeks, a lot of folks have been stressed out. The
usual holiday craziness, family illnesses, etc. take their toll on
us all. We get on edge and spout off more than we should. We all do
it. It's human nature. I was recently one of those spouting off
too. Stresses present in my life at the moment had added to other
things and caused me to begin losing focus. It wasn't until I was
no longer sure that I could stay out of the way of the very things
that I was trying to help accomplish that I knew I had to step
aside.
A miscommunication with someone played a roll in this. But, it
wasn't to blame. In an odd sort of way, it's good that it
happened. It was symptomatic of the very problem I've been trying
to express...and had obviously been doing a shitty job of it. lol
When we get to the point where even the "good guys" (whoever they
may be to each of us) start looking at one another with suspicion,
you know there's a problem. It's at that point that words become
ineffective and we need to step back and refocus ourselves.
The Symptoms...
Before being asked to join the mod squad, I had begun seeing some
subtle changes in things. There was nothing drastic. If there had
been people would have noticed it immediately and it would have been
dealt with. Some of the few who had already noticed were being less
than charitable or constructive in how they pointed it out. I've
done that too. So, of course, they/we weren't taken seriously.
(Kinda gives credence to the old saying about vinegar and honey,
eh?) I talked about this with Drew and with the Venrays before
deciding to accept the position of mod and join the team. I felt
honored to be asked and hopeful that I could help in addressing the
things we'd been seeing. (For anyone who may not be aware, we've
been good both on- and offline friends with Ray & Tracy for a few
years now.)
What, specifically, were we seeing? We saw people starting to be
suspicious of and defensive towards one another. People used to ask
one another for clarification when they weren't sure of the meaning
of something. Then, little by little, instead of asking for
clarification, people started assuming the worst and attacking one
another. Instead of respecting one another's opinions and beliefs,
we began pouncing on one another and calling one another idiots for
not thinking exactly the way we did…or for not being as
knowledgeable…or for being less able to express ourselves…or
whatever. People have grown defensive and on edge. Is it a major
problem right now? Not in the big picture…which is probably why
people thought I was full of it when I first tried to address it.
But, it certainly will be if allowed to flourish. And, it is a
major problem now to those who've been affected by it in various
ways.
This forum is only one aspect of the tickling community. But, it's a
big one. There are things we can do to help ease this mood back out
the door it came in before it gets a better foothold. AFA the TMF
itself goes…
My advice to the mod squad...
I have a real respect for each one of you. Having worked so closely
with you, I can now say with absolute certainty that your motives
and intentions are good even when the methods have faltered. It's
the perception folks have sometimes had of the actions we have taken
that has often led to that being called into question. Anyone who
truly knows you would be confident that this is not the case.
One thing that will help this is to be as clear and consistent as
entirely possible in our guidelines and their enforcement. (I knew
my own presentation of this to the other mods sucked when they
initially thought I meant that I wanted to just kick people out
after three strikes.) But, a rule that is clearly stated and
followed as visibly and evenly as possible across the board is
necessary. There's never going to be an absolute balance. We're all
individuals who see things differently. One person sees something
as crossing the line where another may not. That's only natural. I
know this is being worked on. It began before I left. I would
encourage everyone to be as supportive as possible in this.
My advice to my fellow members...
I've heard some great ideas from folks. We have some great minds
out there! But, we have to come to trust one another if anything is
going to be accomplished. If we hold back every thought we have out
of fear that someone's going to look at us funny or put us
down....or whatever...we won't get anywhere. Why are we all so
damned afraid to really TALK with one another? Hell, I've heard
things in the last 24 hours that I've never heard in the last
several years that I've been a part of the online community. Why
didn't I hear it before? I think it's because we've fallen away from
that community atmosphere. That colors every thought we have and
every action we take.
Take some time to get to really know one another. We aren't going to
truly understand one another and work/socialize as a cohesive group
until we get to know and trust one another. That's the biggest place
to start. Then everyone won't be looking over their shoulders and
afraid to say anything…or afraid that someone else is saying
something. We won't be assuming the worst when someone uses stronger
language in presenting things because we'll know where they're
coming from.
Many of the complaints I've heard from people (both during my time
as a mod and before/after that) have come down to people feeling
that someone was putting them down because they weren't agreeing
with whatever had been said by that person. We don't have to agree
with one another on every single point of our lives in order to get
along. I strongly disagree on individual issues with many of my
best friends. We simply choose to agree to disagree on those
issues. It doesn't make anyone a bad person. It simply makes us
unique. How boring it would be if we were all the same!
OK, so why didn't I say all this while I was still a mod rather than
walking away? Because I'd fallen into the very trap I'm referring
to. That's why I had to leave. I had to get out of my own way and
take a little time to be more objective...something I was starting
to lose. I got too emotional and too defensive myself. I'd have
started doing the same as many around here who get frustrated and
just start shooting people down. Now that I've stepped back and
given myself room to breathe, I can think more clearly and act more
effectively on those thoughts. All I'd have done the other way is
to have become part of the problem.
Some specifics for when we come upon something...
If someone says something that bothers you in some way, ask that
person about it in a calm manner. Don't be getting in their face
and condemning them. You may not have understood. I have one good
friend who, when we first met, had made a comment about something.
My initial reaction was to think, "What an ass!" But, of course, I
couldn't say that. So, I asked him to explain himself so I could
understand. You know what? After having entered the conversation
midway, I'd taken the comment totally out of context. Once I knew
the situation, I thought the comment was not only correct, but even
insightful. Let's give one another a chance. You may even find a
good friend in someone you thought was an ass. ;-)
If you see something that you think clearly crosses the line or that
just seems a little off and you think action may be needed, there's
a little spot in the bottom right hand side of every post on this
forum. It says "report this post to a moderator". Don't jump into
the thread and yell, "Stop being an asshole!" Instead, click that
link. Then, tell the mods what it is you're concerned about.
Contrary to popular opinion, not every thread is read by the mods.
They depend on you to let them know where there are things they've
missed.
I've heard a few folks mention "cliques". I'm not sure that's a
fair understanding of the dynamics that are here. When we're unable
to join in something that's going on, and again when folks are
discussing that event, it's easy to feel like they're rubbing our
noses in it because they got to do it and we didn't. That can be
true of folks connecting with another individual to play, a
gathering or any number of things. The common denominator is that
we can feel left out. That's only natural. But, that doesn't mean
that your input isn't welcome or wanted. If it weren't, open
posting about it wouldn't be taking place.
Group activities are good. Belonging to something is good. Maybe
there just isn't something that you've found yourself able to join
in yet. One of the things I'm working on is getting some cell
groups set up within the online community, many of which may also
move into some RL get-togethers. I would encourage those who've
felt left out of things in the past to let us know what kinds of
groups you'd like to see within the community. Rather than pulling
us apart from the larger group, it's my hope that this will
strengthen each person's presence and involvement in it.
In the last few days, I've heard some wonderful ideas from people.
My only question is, "Why didn't I hear these things before?" One
area of the TMF that isn't used that often is the "TMF Suggestions &
Feedback" forum. I would strongly encourage those who have ideas
and concerns to post them in there. (Remember, honey rather than
vinegar.) You never know what great things may come of your ideas
unless you share them.
My advice to myself...
Take a chill pill! Will ya, girl?! Sheeesh!!
You'renot going to accomplish anything by walking away. So, rest
assured... I'm still going to be a part of the community. (Would
that give you rest or nightmares? Hmmmm!
) I'll be around onthe TMF and am joining other forums as well. This is but a
transition. I've heard some ideas in the past few days that I want
to play with...things that will help the community indirectly.
The "Think Tank" above refers to my new site and upcoming yahoo
group where we will dedicate ourselves to helping work out the
problems of the community. So, feel free to join the effort by
sharing your thoughts and concerns with us when I open the group in
a couple weeks.
If you agree that this community is worth the effort...If you agree
to be a part of the solution...If you refuse to be a part of the
problem... please indicate that by replying with "I agree". (Any
other comments are welcome as well.)
Peace!
Ann
PS - My instant messenger handle is TklDuo no matter which server you use. This new (to me, anyway) Trillion software let's me be open to everyone at the same time. So, if you want to chat about this or anything else, feel free. I'll try to be available as much as possible.
(editted to include statements resulting from further discussion below)
Last edited:
