I'm Gonna Play Eris' Advocate here...
...the Greek God of discord (chaos) for those who don't know...
and agree with multiple parties, because each one represents a variable in the tickling probability equation.
As for
Tamia's problem, I would first ask if it was an accident. If he was looking for something he needed and you weren't there to give it to him, he might have thought he'd find it on a cursory search; he also might have found your stuff while looking for something he thought he left somewhere and found it by mistake.
I would also add that one of the reasons you're wierded out by him now is because you don't know if his reaction is genuine. He found you out before you could tell him yourself and as such, you had no control over the information he gleaned, so he has had time to form a thought and plan his approach. For all you know, anything and everything he said could have been deceptive.
But, just to be a bastard, I would also like to remind you of that annoying habit women have of rummaging through their BF's stuff with impugnity or stealth because you have a right to know if he's hiding anything. Well, if it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander (I'm showing my age there...).
AffectionateDan's is probably the most universal and widely expected, as well as most experienced perhaps. Horrifically enough, he was actually quite lucky considering the fate of
The Laugher years ago. This is probably the reaction with the highest expectancy because of how finicky people tend to be about simple, non-sexual quirks.
I think of it as a symptom of unresolved fissures in the dating scheme. Sure, people are aware of kinks these days, and may even be interested in toying with them, but by and large, it's hard to make a kink part of your life without BEING a lifer, or without being a closeted practitioner. I don't have figures, but I'm speculating that the number of people who practice happily together are probably dual members rather than converts; I think it's rare to find a convert or non-practitioner who stands by or indulges without feeling alienated or ill-fitted (This is why it warms my heart to see people like
Classy, who's beau seems content to let her partake in the scene and still mingle with these strange aliens from Earth touching his SO with rough but platonic familiarity). But at the heart of it, modern dating hasn't yet resolved the issue of that antiquated search for perfection, and with the galaxy-sized history of emotionally unhinged people ruining relationships and the failure of American culture to teach conflict resolution in schools, the freedom to pursue people on one's own volition makes the sheer size of the playing field intimidating enough to create a strange defensive siege mentality.
We know this well. How many of us refrain from telling people because we're not only afraid of being rejected, but also because we're terrified of that information--information about one of teh closest, most vulnerable parts of ourselves--getting out into the hands of people who will abuse it, abuse us, inflict doubt and shame upon us, and share it with untrustworthy others in a mocking fashion?
Of course we withhold it, not to decieve but to protect. And with the continual stigma of BDSM to vanillas with no frame of reference, and with the continued existence of kinky people with baggage beside the bondage kits, there's going to continue to be friction between the tastes, the sheets, and friends who spread biased opinions like plague and contaminate other people.
If the outside world gets more positive experiences and stories about how vanilla and kinky, or successful compromises, maybe we'll see an increase in the predictability of positive reactions in our SOs than those that Dan described.
*More on this at bottom.*
To us, it's our secret, love, passion, and our's to share at our discretion. But to them, it's something very personal that we neglected to share. Whether it be out of fear, or caution, when first confronted with it(especially) if they "stumble" upon it, they may not think of the reasons we choose/chose to hide it from them. They may only see it as something we tried to hide, and be hurt by the fact we chose not to include them from the start. I'm guessing at this but it makes sense to me.
- KrazieDog to AnnieHall about her post
It might be a bit presumptuous, but I think Krazie's right; I would guess that his initial reaction was likely similar to that of Tamia's: that something went on without his knowledge/participation and he feels left out. It possibly hurt him that you didn't trust him to tell him. If he is a vanilla, then it's understandable because vanilla's don't often have the specific fear of rejection that we have, and it might have been hard for him to put himself in your shoes, espeically since he might not have been sure if you were telling him the WHOLE truth. I don't know the context of tickling in your relationship, but if it's a prelude to intimate activity, then he might have thought that the same applied to NEST.
I say forgive him in this, since vanillas often lack the imagination to envision other contexts.
Because consider this: from the stories you shared with us about him, he seemed genuinely happy to pursue your pleasure BEFORE he even knew about it for the sole reason that YOU LIKED IT. In fact, this speaks possible volumes about the merit of his character: you mentioned the conundrum on TMF Radio about the "endurance" factor in a relationship about whether someone indulges in another's kink either as a means of segue into sex, or just as a chore. I was going to argue (and now I CAN) that there may also be a third variation: that maybe they can simply take pleasure in your enjoyment. From what I can gather, even without being one of us, he was able to attack you zealously at random moments and delight in your reactions; this is from a VANILLA (as far as we know). I think it's possible that he's an example of the kind of person who can simply take pleasure in another person's pleasure without a connection. By your own admission, he seemed to enjoy your reactions to tickling, and that may have been enough.
The only major complication I forsee is the possible future engagements you might have. Even if he becomes comfortable with this, he might still have a hard time separating the platonic tickling you enjoy at NEST with the [possibly] intimate tickling in your relationship; even kinksters have trouble with that thin red line that borders the personal/public domain. He might have to see for himself that we're nothing to be afraid of, that no one's going to cross that boundary, and that anyone who tries is going to be in the ICU before he gets a crack at them.
Understandably, it might bother him that so many other people know more about how to exploit your body than he does, but the exclusivity of...some of your anatomy...might actually provide him with the sense of privilege to make him secure. One suggestion I have is that, if he comes to accept it without grievance or disdain, I reccomend inviting him as a special guest on one of your "Broad"casts so you can introduce him to the community. True, he might think "Boy you know some crazy-ass people" but in the end, he's likely to find us as harmless as you do. Well, except for Jeff, because his hands are lethal weapons.
Not really, but they make you PRAY for death, which is kinda the same thing.
And in the end, he might either accompany you to NEST or trust you enough to go on your own as always letting us look after you. He probably knows you well enough now to know that your trust is not easily earned and that if you trust us, then so can he. Not enough to show mercy of course, but enough to keep you safe.
...as long as he knows that you were
OUR freak first.
You said it yourself Mairead, he loves you and takes care of you. So unless there's a major miscalculation of character, I think you'll be okay after the adjustment.
"I only have so many chits with the wife..."
- legendary member of the community who shall remain unnamed
I overheard this at NEST 2007 and it probably resembles perfectly my particular practices when it comes to my stance on dating, which shares sections of Dan's assertion that after the debacle with his first wife, he refused to search for anyone outside the community.
I DO NOT DATE. PERIOD. I have Asperger's and social interaction is hard enough for me without having to decipher the nuanced game tactics involved in dating. Although people like
Mairead, Crystal, Lee, BrightEyes and
Myriads have tried to describe to me the thrill of the hunt: the chase, the tease, the mystery, the power exchange, I SIMPLY DO NOT GET IT. And quite frankly, I find it absurd and illogical (watch out, I kinda turn into Drew70 here, God help us). Why the fuck would you want to make a game out of a relationship where your emotions get involved? As this thread has pointed out, the veil of secrecy can be as harmful as it can be exciting, and to me that seems like a hollow goal.
Imagine an Indiana Jones movie where the relic turns out to be a fake that never existed and the whole adventure was for nothing but a lesson on some metaphor for living a full life. Whereas a normal person might say "Phew! Sure the _____ doesn't exist, but man it was worth it! Wasn't that exciting?!" I woud say "I ALMOST GOT EATEN BY A GIANT SPIDER, PRACTICALLY BROKE MY BACK JUMPING ON A MOVING TRAIN, NEARLY GAVE MYSELF A HEART ATTACK FIGURING OUT A SUMERIAN BOOBY TRAP, THE STONE IN MY BOOT IS KILLING ME, AND ON TOP OF THAT, I DOVE OFF A FUCKING CLIFF INTO A RAGING RAPIDS TO ESCAPE CRAZY PEOPLE WHO WERE SHOOTING AT ME! NO IT WAS NOT FUN!" That's how I view the whole dating thing: a massive clusterfuck of a snipe hunt with little viable payoff. Now those of you who enjoy the hunt might call me a soulless old fart with no sense of fun ("where's the fun in getting what you want right away?"), but I say where's the fun in wasting finite energy on an uncertain thing.
So I find most dating practices deceptive and malicious, and I find the fact that most people get high on the pursuit as offensive as
Drew70 finds the BDSM apologists. I WANT to know if you have problems, I WANT to know if you were molested, I WANT to know if you had an abortion or any other shit like that, NOT BECAUSE I get off on it (which i don't) but because I DON'T LIKE SURPRISES. I WANT to know what I'm getting into so I can decide whether to stay or get the hell out, and since a lot of dating has hidden agendas behind it, I'm immediately distrustful of people who seem rally interested in me; they probably want me for some desperate reason and don't want to scare me off. I'm one of those guys who just wants what he wants and then goes home because thrills just agitate him.
Why bother putting your best foot forward? If the relationship works, those illusions are gonna give way to hard reality eventually so why not just get it over with? It saves you the trouble of having a fight when you find out what the other person has been holding off on telling you.
Now, as far as my stance on the security clearance of my fetish...
MY. PHILIA. IS. PRIVATE. IT IS MINE. I don't hide it out of shame, but because I do not want to be harassed by people who know about it. Just as Richard Gere is sick of hearing that gerbil story or Buckner is sick to death about hearing about that fucking ball (It's a FUCKING GAME you Beantowners! Unless you wanna be like the British and hooligan up sporting events, LET IT FUCKING GO!), I would grow VERY tired of people making comments or little judgments about me because it gets old before it's born. On top of that, I enjoy tickling some of the girls at work, as well as my niece when she visits. As long as no one knows, no one has any suspicious thoughts. But the minute people know about it, every single poke, prod or touch will immediately become suspect, and then I won;t even be permitted to physically interact with them at all. NEver mind that there's multiple layers of tickling activity and intent, they won't even believe an explanation if I gave it.
Plus there's something satisfying about having a little personal possession that only you and a secret club of people are privvy to.
I intend to remain a lifelong bachelor and practitioner of (SAFE!!) recreational sex because until/unless I get bored with it, I like having a large selection of activity to choose from. I like tickling LOTS of women and I will not give it up for anyone; and if there IS someone for whom I would give up the polyamorous tickling, I don't wanna meet them! If they want it sexual, I can do sexual, if they want playful, I can do that too, it's all good. And if I ever get involved with anyone I would hold myself to that same standard of generosity: if I can play around, so can you. And if you can't trust the other person to do that, then why the hell am I even bothering?
To accept a compromise so stringent as the one quoted above is like giving someone scraps and bits of their favorite meal instead of letting them have the whole thing. That's more cruel than just denying it to them outright because at least then it's removed from their grasp; but to do the former is like whetting a person's appetite and then letting the desire drag on and on and on without being sated.
...Okay,
Drew70 moment is over.
So I agree with lots of people here, and despite my personal optimism for Mairead and
Jarrett and some others, I personally have to take Dan's strategy and decide that if I ever try out a SO, it's going to be a forum member, because I'm not giving up tickling for anybody's insecurity or paranoia. Of course, this is the strategy that works for ME--it doesn't have to be everyone's--and it likely won't happen anyway; I would never subject anybody to my personality on a extended daily basis, certainly not someone I like or love. I respect them too much.
