Who's afraid of the Big Bad Dom?

[Snail Shell]

In the last year or so, I've come across three instances with three people. One was a female sub. One was a male dom. One was.... well, a basket case. Each of these people admitted to me that they thought I was scary.

I've never known why this is. I like to think of myself as 'that friendly, goofy, Canadian guy' that everyone at the gathering or on the TMF can approach. I can't for the life of me think of why anyone might consider me scary.

I asked the female sub why she thought I was scary and she said "Because you're a dom". Further confusion! I'm a switch. Furthermore, outside of a play setting, I see no need to be anyone's top. Simply put, I've always been more than happy to receive as well as give.

SO!

To those who've met me: Do you think I'm a scary guy? How come?

To the Doms here: Do you feel it is the role of the dom to, at some level, scare your sub? Is it part of the persona? Do you actively try to scare your sub?

To the Subs here: Are you scared of your dom or those with a dominant personality? Why? Are you scared more of your dom or the consequences of disappointing your dom? Do you enjoy it?

Insight please! I are confuzzed....

Snail Shell

 

[CrystalLight]

I am neither a Dom or a Sub..but from a Lee perspective..a Dom/Ler can be a very intimidating person, if they perform their.....craft well.

 

[Snail Shell]

Good point. EDIT: Substitute the words Lee and Ler in as needed.

Snail Shell

 

[aurora5150]

since i've never met you i can't attest to if you are scary or not. from reading your posts you seem like a nice person.

as far as ler's being scary in general i think a little fear makes things more intense. but i find that the ler's who come off as sweet people can be more scary than a ler who is thought of as scary off the bat. cuz once you're tied up and at their mercy (i don't care how nice they seemed at first) that's when the real person comes out.

i hope that made sense.

 

[-Hari-]

i deliberatly scare my girlfriend when we play, but it's nothing to do with tickling, it be other stuff, it's fun to mess with her head when taking it tho, i dunno... I've been scared during tickling a few times. Other than that, i haven't been pushed that far, i enjoy playing with fear tho, it's a rush.

 

[AngelOfDarkness]

As a sub, I think there is a hint on intimidation or fear. Not necessarily of the Dom, but either the consequences of rule breaking, or of disappointing him. It hurts a sub when she or he doesn't perform to expectations.

A sense of fear can take over when a Dom is in punishment mode, as the sub won't know the severity or the length of the punishment or even what it will be. With me, though, being threatened with punishment causes me to act out further, bringing even more trouble to my door. I think I resist it because I don't want the punishment.

As for others with a Dominant personality, I'm not scared of them. Only my Dom can scare me....speaking of which, I think being scary can keep an unruly sub in line.

/end essay on scariness.

 

[tickles]

I'm gonna take a stab at this as well. I think sometimes the lee's "fanatasy" about being dominated by a scary Dom....is just that...something the sub thinks about. In real life, you may not be a scary dom.....the sub just "thinks" about doms that way. I can understand that. There is a certain amount of fantasy wrapped around tickling/sub/dom....stuff.

YOU however are just a cutie face!.....I saw you tickle Brighteyes at NEST and you were just as sweet as pie...if I do say so myself!....

 

[Amnesiac]

You might be scary because you're very collected. Yes you're goofy in that Ben Stein way (remember that reference) but not in the Robin Williams sort of way that I am. So even with your humor you have a very placid appearance and body language; very little of what happens around you visibly fazes you and that can give the impression that someone as in control of himself as you are (which actually means EXTREMELY mature) might be potentially dangerous. Sociopaths are often more focused than other people and that kind of behavior is rarely seen in normal people (who often react to the stress of maintaining that control), so anyone who has had experience with people like that would mistake you for one of them.

 

[baldadonis]

You might be scary because you're very collected. Yes you're goofy in that Ben Stein way (remember that reference) but not in the Robin Williams sort of way that I am. So even with your humor you have a very placid appearance and body language; very little of what happens around you visibly fazes you and that can give the impression that someone as in control of himself as you are (which actually means EXTREMELY mature) might be potentially dangerous. Sociopaths are often more focused than other people and that kind of behavior is rarely seen in normal people (who often react to the stress of maintaining that control), so anyone who has had experience with people like that would mistake you for one of them.

This is a good point Amnesiac. You are definitely a very focused, thoughtful person, Snail, from what I gleamed the first time we met. People who seem overfocused or overconfident can sometimes scare people who are not as focused and confident and rely on others for these types of qualities. I didn't find you scary in the least, though. And certainly anyone that pays attention to you on the forum would pick up on your goofy Canadianess.

As to your dom/sub questions, I'll assume you mean lee/ler as I have no context to answer from a BDSM perspective. But from my own POV, I don't think I have ever incorporated fear into tickling as a ler. Its a much more fun, silly activity with friends, and something sensual with a SO. As a lee, I haven't had the experience of being scared by my ler. Perhaps, a little nervous about being in a position in which I have given up control, but I always trust my lers first, so I've never felt particularly scared. I think its totally a personal choice in each relationship whether you enjoy or need to be scared in a lee/ler - dom/sub relationship. Doesn't do anything for me personally.

 

[chicago]

You are a skinny Canadian and terribly nice.

I ain't a'feared of nothin'.

 

[steph]

F' those idiots, you're a doll!
I'm a domme IRL, sub in the scene only, FWIW...
XOXO

 

[Capnmad]

To those who've met me: Do you think I'm a scary guy? How come?

Dude, don't worry about it. You're not scary. This happened all the time to me for a while, and still happens periodically.

Odds are, these are people who haven't known you for very long. You may be unlike others they've met. What's unfamiliar can be scary.

Odds are you also come off as intelligent and knowledgeable about several subjects. Intelligence can be intimidating to some.

Odds are you're pretty confident. Confidence is intimidating to some.

I don't call myself a "dom" either, and I have my reasons for that, but some definitely find me intimidating and even "scary" for those very reasons.

Don't worry about it. So long as folks aren't running or shunning you, it's "scary" in a good way.

 

[Snail Shell]

Wow. There are some good answers here. lol

Please don't misunderstand. I'm not put off or upset about being thought of as scary. My reaction was more like "......Scary? Really? Hmph. Well, okay."

I can see the attraction to having a scary, or rather intimidating, ler or top. Fear is an excellent way to get adrenaline flowing, which leads to the rush so many lees/subs go for.

I think a lot of it relates to prescence as well. Someone who's, well, a skinny Canadian doesn't come across as dom-ish (inventing new words tonight) as someone who walks into the room looking like Darth Vader.

Such is the bread of an every day life I suppose. I'll leave my lightsabre at home for the next NEST.

Snail Shell

PS - Amni, I'm almost afraid to ask but, why do you know so much about being a sociopath? lol

 

[Tamia78]

You? Scary? Naaaaaaaaaaaah! Although you are pretty strong, dammit, lol. Perhaps the female sub thought you were scary because of your calm presence. You don't really get overly agressive when you become a ler. You pretty much just speak calmly. You're not what we expect out of a Ler/Dom....maybe that's the scary part.

As a sub, I don't want to be scared of my Dom, I want to be able to trust him with anything, and trust that he won't harm me in any way, emotional or otherwise. I'm sure some Doms truly like to scare their subs, but I wouldn't want that, personally.

--T

 

[BrightEyes1082]

In the last year or so, I've come across three instances with three people. One was a female sub. One was a male dom. One was.... well, a basket case. Each of these people admitted to me that they thought I was scary.

I've never known why this is. I like to think of myself as 'that friendly, goofy, Canadian guy' that everyone at the gathering or on the TMF can approach. I can't for the life of me think of why anyone might consider me scary.

I asked the female sub why she thought I was scary and she said "Because you're a dom". Further confusion! I'm a switch. Furthermore, outside of a play setting, I see no need to be anyone's top. Simply put, I've always been more than happy to receive as well as give.

SO!

To those who've met me: Do you think I'm a scary guy? How come?

To the Doms here: Do you feel it is the role of the dom to, at some level, scare your sub? Is it part of the persona? Do you actively try to scare your sub?

To the Subs here: Are you scared of your dom or those with a dominant personality? Why? Are you scared more of your dom or the consequences of disappointing your dom? Do you enjoy it?

Insight please! I are confuzzed....

Snail Shell

I think certain people who are Doms or tops can be intimidating. However, not all.

I am extremely afraid of my Domme, but it's a good fear that I think all subs should have. It's mainly the fear of disappointing, but there's also the fear of the physical consequences of disappointing.

 

[Amnesiac]

PS - Amni, I'm almost afraid to ask but, why do you know so much about being a sociopath?
-Snail Shell

Because I watch "The Sopranos", and Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men is my hero...I watch that almost every day. You should see it, it's good movie. I also thought that I WAS one for a while until I did some actual research and found that being autistic and being a sociopath had two VERY different behaviors.

I ain't a'feared of nothin'.
-AnnieHall

Not even Bella nibbling on your armpits? I'll be sure to tell her...

 

[chicago]

Because I watch "The Sopranos", and Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men is my hero...I watch that almost every day. You should see it, it's good movie.

Not even Bella nibbling on your armpits? I'll be sure to tell her...

I can't wait until you're old and it gets harder for you to REMEMBER EVERYTHING!

 

[Amnesiac]

I can't wait until you're old and it gets harder for you to REMEMBER EVERYTHING!
- AnnieHall

Until then it'll be another 40 years of wondering what I recall, what deviltry I can use it for, and how often you'll be on the receiving end of it...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--uh...what was so funny again?

 

[Tiger.Lily]

Hmm...no offense, but for some reason I thought you were a girl. Teehee. *mental note*

On topic: I love being scared when I'm being tickle tortured ... and vice versa. There's a definite rush and euphoria accompanied with it.

+ =

 

[Sleepy Jean]

I'm always a little scared when I'm tied up. It comes with the territory and, to be honest, if I weren't a bit scared it probably wouldn't be so damned erotic. A little dread makes me horny as can be. Even though I trust my husband without reservation, the nervousness of being so helpless gets juices flowing through my body and gives me cold sweats and God knows what the hell it's doing to my blood pressure.

Anyway, you don't sound like a guy who would cause any real damage to a helpless 'lee. Needless to say, getting to trust you would take time, but you seem like a standup guy from what I've read.

Love,
Jean

 

[minerva]

I remember you as nothing but a very nice guy, not scary at all.
Never seen you in action as a 'ler though.

As a 'lee I do like to toy with the idea of being 'scared' of my 'ler (the good kind of scared of course). It makes the whole experience so much more exciting

 

[lilyisticklish]

Hmm well I don't think you are scary in the least. I think that the strength and non rope bondage positions can be a little intimidating but without the intimidation it just wouldn't be as fun for me. I like the force and power of most of the Dom/Ler's that I have played with. I think you really are the goofy sweetheart but I can see where some might think you scary.... at first lol!

HUGS

 

[AffectionateDan]

I've never known why this is. I like to think of myself as 'that friendly, goofy, Canadian guy' that everyone at the gathering or on the TMF can approach. I can't for the life of me think of why anyone might consider me scary.

To those who've met me: Do you think I'm a scary guy? How come?

I are confuzzed....

See, now this is the guy that I know. Who are they seeing?

Unless, of course, they saw you coming for them in full kidnapping regalia. That'd be enough to give even a Grizz man pause. (heh... paws)

u r n0t teh sc4reh d00d.

Hmm...no offense, but for some reason I thought you were a girl. Teehee. *mental note*

Oh mannnnnnnnn... that may be harder to live down than the chaps, dude.

 

[Helena]

Snaily,
I have only chatted briefly with you online, so I cannot say if you are scary as a tickler. This is an interesting thread, though, so I wanted to post in it.
I think the anticipation before a good tickling can be a bit intimidating...especially if the ler has described various ways he plans to tickle me...or he threatens to do various things that I'm sure will be the death of me. But I think that is delicious, not frightening.
I wouldn't actually let anyone tie me up if they truly scared me, because I need to feel trust with a ler.

 

[Snail Shell]

Oh mannnnnnnnn... that may be harder to live down than the chaps, dude.

Actually, once a friend of mine got my pic in the email and she was surprised I wasn't fat. Welcome to the internet.

I agree Helena. This thread be interesting. Anyone else?

Snail Shell