His Divine Shadow
Administrator
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2002
- Messages
- 18,970
- Points
- 38
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
--I can usually keep convos down to under ten seconds. usually under three, provided there is someone else to hand it off to. XD
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
--While nice for bi 'ol HDS, my lack of desire to actually perform the horizontal monster mash with anyone or anything renders this somewhat unhelpful. XD
3. You know stuff about tanks.
--Why yes, yes I do.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
--Okay, I'll back this one up totally. XD Usually I only need a small bag, not even a suitcase. XD
5. Monday Night Football.
--Eh, does nothing.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
--I have friends? XP
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
--Damn straight.
8. You can open all your own jars.
--Hmm...yes, this one is true. XD
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
--I can't lose anymore weight without qualifying for the World Food Bank's aid package and I don't eat so it isn't going up anytime soon. Not to mention no friends.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
--Yessir.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
--I don't watch TV. EVER.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
--Hmm...I suppose. I really have no arse. Not enough meat for one.
13. All your orgasms are real.
--I have orgasms? 😵
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
--Don't drink anything other than water, milk, and orange juice, so no first hand experience here, but yes, that is true.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
--Hee!
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
--Good god yes.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
--Indeedy.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
--Yus!
19. Your last name stays put.
--I wouldn't notice if it didn't. XD
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
--There have been studies showing that it is healthier to leave your bed unmade. The extra air and light that will make it to the inside of the sheets and covers and such if it is unmade help to kill all the critters that live in your sheets. Seriously.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
--I hate everyone, and I don't give a horse's patootie what anyone else thinks, for I hate myself more than they ever could.
22. You can kill your own food.
--I suppose I could...
23. The garage is all yours.
--But I don't want it!
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
--In my case, a really large amount of extra credit. XD
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
--XD
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
--People do secretly wonder if I ever eat. XP
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
--Pfft. I'm the one who cleans the toilet. No one else will.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
--Damn straight.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
--Sex? HDS? Thou dost jest! XD
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
--Wedding? ME!?
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
--I have no friends, and if I am invited anywhere I do my best to refuse and, barring acceptance of that, I inject myself with bubonic plague.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
--Or less. XD
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
--Hmm...marginally interesting.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
--Nothing has the power to make me cry anymore, aside from crying after laughing to hard at the Marx brothers. XD
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
--I suppose not.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
--I curl up next to no arse any night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
--I plan on being single until the day I die. On another note, I hope to not live to see 34. XD
38. You can write your name in the snow.
--Why yes, yes I can.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
--I don't talk to people.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
--Hell yes.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
--I don't eat chocolate.
42. You can be president.
--But would I want to be?
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
--Indeed.
44. Flowers fix everything.
--Why would I want to fix anything?
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
--Another damn straight.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
--I think not. XD
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
--If I ever went to a park of any kind.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
--One pair is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
--I suppose I could.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
--I always do this.
51. Foreplay is optional.
--I have no need of foreplay of afterplay. XD
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
--I wouldn't know. XD Hopefully no one lives in my universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
--I don't associate with gatherings of people over zero persons.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
--Why would I be out of my A/C? XD
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
--It wouldn't need cleaning. Neat is good.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
--Pal? Moi?
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
--Knowing me, probably not. XD And I wouldn't know either way.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
--Indeed.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
--A game? Watch? Well, with my grandfather, anyway. No buddies has HDS.
60. The world is your urinal.
--R Kelly!
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
--Lover? BWAHAHAHAHA!
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
--I do? XD
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
--I should hope not. XD Not that I care. Nothing down there is useful to me.
64. One mood, all the time.
--Indeed.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
--I probably do starve myself. XD But yes.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
--Hee!
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
--I do? XD Well, yes, but the bottle wouldn't be intact for more than two of them.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
--Yes indeed.
69. Same work....more pay.
--Oh god...I won't even touch this. XD
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
--Hopefully I won't live long enough to know.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
--Indeed. XD
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
--When will I be renting a Tux? XD
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
--Nope, not one bit. Talk all you want.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
--Not that I'd want to.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
--I don't eat dessert.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
--XD
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
--I don't watch TV. XD
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
--Am I suppose to be glancing at women's chests when I talk to them, on the rare occasio nthat I dod? Never thought to.
79. ESPN's sports center.
--Whazza?
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
--Friend?
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
--Why will I be at any sort of party?
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
--I suppose. XD
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
--I don't need condoms, for the act will never be performed. I suspect the little guy downstairs will shrivel up and fall off from a combination of boredom and lack of use. XD
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
--Indeed.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
--I have buddies? I have friends?
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
--I am already. XD
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
--I don't swear.
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
--Party?
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
--Indeed.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
--I belch?
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
--I'm on track to miss them all.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
--Hmm...just a little bit. XD
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
--Yus!
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
--Indeed. XD
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
--Well, not my mind. XD
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
--As if I could if I tried.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
--Great sex? Bah. An oxymoron.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
--I'm the type of person to say something bad when asked that question.
99. Baywatch
--Does nothing.
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
--Nothing. XD
Can I go home now?
--I can usually keep convos down to under ten seconds. usually under three, provided there is someone else to hand it off to. XD
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
--While nice for bi 'ol HDS, my lack of desire to actually perform the horizontal monster mash with anyone or anything renders this somewhat unhelpful. XD
3. You know stuff about tanks.
--Why yes, yes I do.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
--Okay, I'll back this one up totally. XD Usually I only need a small bag, not even a suitcase. XD
5. Monday Night Football.
--Eh, does nothing.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
--I have friends? XP
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
--Damn straight.
8. You can open all your own jars.
--Hmm...yes, this one is true. XD
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
--I can't lose anymore weight without qualifying for the World Food Bank's aid package and I don't eat so it isn't going up anytime soon. Not to mention no friends.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
--Yessir.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
--I don't watch TV. EVER.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
--Hmm...I suppose. I really have no arse. Not enough meat for one.
13. All your orgasms are real.
--I have orgasms? 😵
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
--Don't drink anything other than water, milk, and orange juice, so no first hand experience here, but yes, that is true.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
--Hee!
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
--Good god yes.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
--Indeedy.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
--Yus!
19. Your last name stays put.
--I wouldn't notice if it didn't. XD
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
--There have been studies showing that it is healthier to leave your bed unmade. The extra air and light that will make it to the inside of the sheets and covers and such if it is unmade help to kill all the critters that live in your sheets. Seriously.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
--I hate everyone, and I don't give a horse's patootie what anyone else thinks, for I hate myself more than they ever could.
22. You can kill your own food.
--I suppose I could...
23. The garage is all yours.
--But I don't want it!
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
--In my case, a really large amount of extra credit. XD
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
--XD
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
--People do secretly wonder if I ever eat. XP
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
--Pfft. I'm the one who cleans the toilet. No one else will.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
--Damn straight.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
--Sex? HDS? Thou dost jest! XD
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
--Wedding? ME!?
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be you friend.
--I have no friends, and if I am invited anywhere I do my best to refuse and, barring acceptance of that, I inject myself with bubonic plague.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
--Or less. XD
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
--Hmm...marginally interesting.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
--Nothing has the power to make me cry anymore, aside from crying after laughing to hard at the Marx brothers. XD
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
--I suppose not.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
--I curl up next to no arse any night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
--I plan on being single until the day I die. On another note, I hope to not live to see 34. XD
38. You can write your name in the snow.
--Why yes, yes I can.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
--I don't talk to people.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
--Hell yes.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
--I don't eat chocolate.
42. You can be president.
--But would I want to be?
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
--Indeed.
44. Flowers fix everything.
--Why would I want to fix anything?
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
--Another damn straight.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
--I think not. XD
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
--If I ever went to a park of any kind.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
--One pair is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
--I suppose I could.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
--I always do this.
51. Foreplay is optional.
--I have no need of foreplay of afterplay. XD
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
--I wouldn't know. XD Hopefully no one lives in my universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
--I don't associate with gatherings of people over zero persons.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
--Why would I be out of my A/C? XD
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
--It wouldn't need cleaning. Neat is good.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
--Pal? Moi?
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
--Knowing me, probably not. XD And I wouldn't know either way.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
--Indeed.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
--A game? Watch? Well, with my grandfather, anyway. No buddies has HDS.
60. The world is your urinal.
--R Kelly!
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
--Lover? BWAHAHAHAHA!
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
--I do? XD
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
--I should hope not. XD Not that I care. Nothing down there is useful to me.
64. One mood, all the time.
--Indeed.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
--I probably do starve myself. XD But yes.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
--Hee!
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
--I do? XD Well, yes, but the bottle wouldn't be intact for more than two of them.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
--Yes indeed.
69. Same work....more pay.
--Oh god...I won't even touch this. XD
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
--Hopefully I won't live long enough to know.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
--Indeed. XD
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
--When will I be renting a Tux? XD
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
--Nope, not one bit. Talk all you want.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
--Not that I'd want to.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
--I don't eat dessert.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
--XD
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
--I don't watch TV. XD
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
--Am I suppose to be glancing at women's chests when I talk to them, on the rare occasio nthat I dod? Never thought to.
79. ESPN's sports center.
--Whazza?
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
--Friend?
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
--Why will I be at any sort of party?
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
--I suppose. XD
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
--I don't need condoms, for the act will never be performed. I suspect the little guy downstairs will shrivel up and fall off from a combination of boredom and lack of use. XD
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
--Indeed.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
--I have buddies? I have friends?
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
--I am already. XD
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
--I don't swear.
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
--Party?
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
--Indeed.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
--I belch?
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
--I'm on track to miss them all.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
--Hmm...just a little bit. XD
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
--Yus!
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
--Indeed. XD
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
--Well, not my mind. XD
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
--As if I could if I tried.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
--Great sex? Bah. An oxymoron.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
--I'm the type of person to say something bad when asked that question.
99. Baywatch
--Does nothing.
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
--Nothing. XD
Can I go home now?
