Abusive Relationships

[goddess_nemesis]

My cousin is in an abusive relationship with his girlfriend. She is verbally and physically abusive towards him, but he stays with her. They have an almost five-month-old son together and she has four daughters with three different men.

My family and I are concerned for him and his parents try to convince him to leave her. He has, but he continually has gone back to her.

What can we do to help him see that he needs to leave her? That this is not what his son needs to be exposed to? He knows that we love him and that we're here for him.

 

[General Zod]

Can that abuse be proved in a court of law? I ask that because he may be afraid of not being able to see his son if they break up.The girlfriend may end up getting custody.

 

[goddess_nemesis]

Can that abuse be proved in a court of law? I ask that because he may be afraid of not being able to see his son if they break up.The girlfriend may end up getting custody.

I'm sure it can be.

 

[Gothika]

there is not much u relay can do but be there for him he is goona do what he wants and no one can make him do any different he as to take this upon him self to get, out i had a best friend in a abusive relationship and nothing i said or did changed her mind and i ended up loosing her as a friend because of it u defiantly dont wanna go to far with that imo as i said just be there for him

 

[Bothersome]

Well, as Zod said, you need this abuse proven in a court of law, first. That way he's more likely to get custody of the kid should he decide to split up.

Secondly, you need him to realize that his son is not living in a healthy environment. Getting him to leave that woman because of her abuse towards him will not be nearly as easy as getting him to leave because he believes his childs mental stabilization/ physical health is at stake. As Gothika said, some people simply don't care about their own well-being. He's much more likely to care for his son's.

 

[Mitchell]

nemesis, I'm very sorry about what your cousin is going through.

If he can prove the abuse, my advice would be to try and get him to take her to court, for the purpose of getting custody of their son.

As the son of one of the most emotionally abusive and destructive people on the face of the planet, I can tell you from experience that abusers never change. Although my father never hit me, he did everything in his power to destroy my life. As I've posted before, we were estranged for almost six years, before I stupidly agreed to see him in 2009, falling for the line that he "missed me, loved me, and thought about me all the time". . He rewarded my forgiveness, by dumping me when my mom had cancer, and then never contacting me when I almost died from my seizure this past May. I learned my lesson: I will never expose myself to him again.

I sincerely hope that your cousin can see it in his heart to take her to court, and get her out of his life. His girlfriend sounds like a nightmare. Both your cousin, and his son, would be better off without her.

I wish him Good Luck. Hopefully he can resolve this, for both his and his son's sake.

Mitch

 

[c7_assassin]

Statistically, he's got a very good shot at losing his son if he tries to leave her. If she's the kind of bitch you're saying, she'd probably just turn around and allege that he was the abusive one. It happens all the time in custody cases, and then it's his word against hers.

Also, you can't stop some people from being in bad relationships. If he doesn't already get it, I doubt anyone would be able to talk sense into him.

 

[goddess_nemesis]

I'm sure if he were to document the abuse, it would help. She has hit him in the face with a belt and kicked him in the crotch.

She was recently arrested for assault (not my cousin, someone else) and had temporarily lost custody of her kids, but she got them back after she followed through with the court mandated counseling. So it's already in the system that she has a history of violence.

 

[Mitchell]

nemesis, reading your post made me wince. Getting hit in the face with a belt, and kicked in the crotch, omg ouch!

Oh, thats one I just love.. not! Assaulting someone, and the court tells them to go to "counesling", Based on her history, the girl doesnt care.

I sincerely hope your cousin can find a judge to nail the girl to the wall. It sounds like she needs a stay in jail. I must say, I've rarely heard of a girl being so physically violent to a guy, unless she was first physically provoked herself.

Mitch

 

[Bothersome]

I may have to reference that post to everyone who holds up the whole 'never harm a lady' mindset.

Some chicks are fuckin' mean.

 

[paracarl44]

I'm sorry to hear about this relationship.

I'm sure if he were to document the abuse, it would help. She has hit him in the face with a belt and kicked him in the crotch.

She was recently arrested for assault (not my cousin, someone else) and had temporarily lost custody of her kids, but she got them back after she followed through with the court mandated counseling. So it's already in the system that she has a history of violence.

^Since she has a history of violence, someday she will strike someone again. I have this saying: "That if you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself". It sounds like a matter of time until she will be in court again.^

 

[Flatfoot]

I must say, I've rarely heard of a girl being so physically violent to a guy, unless she was first physically provoked herself.

Mitch

The reason for this is that it often goes unreported. Many men would rather suck it up than draw attention to themselves in a scenario where law enforcement isn't likely to have their back. While I was active duty, because I was an NCO, I went through a lot of training for how to handle situations of domestic abuse. I had to know all the things one can do that, while seemingly harmless, can still get you arrested for doing them. For example, you could get in trouble for standing in a doorway if it impeded your spouse from leaving the room, even if your spouse was intending to harm herself, or another person. The typical thing that was suggested for a man to do in a touchy situation was to leave. Of course, they never tell you that many times trying to leave will infuriate an unstable spouse to the point of destructive violence, where they are breaking your belongings, or worse, as they try to get your attention, make you angry, keep you there, etc.

 

[Mitchell]

Flat is absolutely right about men almost never reporting abuse, due to the whole "macho masculinity" thing.

There was a movie once, I can't recall the name, where a guy was being physically abused by either a gf or wife, and he hid the abuse, and stayed. It was called something like "Men Don't Leave".

One other problem I think guys have is a doubt of believability in regard to physical abuse. While I know such isn't true in all cases, many times, men are physically bigger, and stronger, than women, so, a cop, lawyer, or judge is less likely to believe that a woman physically assaulted a man, than vice versa.

I'm one who believes that anyone who inflicts abuse should be held accountable. Hopefully, the situation with nemesis' cousin can be resolved in a justified way.

Mitch

 

[Coup de Grace]

What can we do to help him see that he needs to leave her? That this is not what his son needs to be exposed to? He knows that we love him and that we're here for him.

He's going to have to wise up, deduce that this relationship has nothing left to offer and leave on his own. There's probably nothing you can say that will change his mind.

I was in a similar situation several years ago where my ex would use verbally abusive language and I chalked it up to her life being tough. There's nothing like embarrassing, one-sided shouting matches in public. We didn't have any children so I had several chances to leave, but she would always guilt-trip me into staying. The irony here was she ended up breaking up with me because the grass seemed greener with another guy, but that guy was physically abusive and didn't put up with her crap. That was karma at its finest.

 

[GQguy]

Getting someone to leave an abusive relationship is VERY tough...there is alot of good advice already given above.

I have a different theoretical approach however that may help. I think relationships have to give us a certain "something" for us to stay in them. Breakups/divorces happen when that certain "something" is lacking. I feel that someone must be fulfilled by that person, or at least feel as though this individual fulfills them more than any option available to them at that time. If your brother feels as though he can't do any better than the woman he is with it's important to help him realize that isn't the case. If your brother however feels as though he can only get that "something" from this woman it's important to show him that he has better options elsewhere. If your brother likes the abuse though...you'll never get him away. I know what you're thinking....who likes abuse? There are people out there that do! Most men/women would never tolerate abuse but some people have a need for attention...including abuse.

I think a good brother-sister conversation getting to the bottom of why he's with such a loser would be the best start.

GQ

 

[CrystalLight]

He knows that we love him and that we're here for him.

S'all you can do.

He might be stickin' it out for the sake of the kid(s). Might be seein' through blinders ..& deems it not as big of a deal as it is to those outside looking in.

The only one who can help him out of this, is him. He'll see on his own. In his own time.

I wouldn't push on him, tho. Might end up resentin' y'all for it.

Give your take on the sitch. Express your concern & leave it at that.

 

[texastickler]

^Since she has a history of violence, someday she will strike someone again. I have this saying: "That if you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself". It sounds like a matter of time until she will be in court again.^

Hey kiddo.

I agree with Carl. You know what? A zebra can't change it's stripes. On the other hand, if it get any worse he needs to get away from her. Abuse has a tendency to escalate. I hope everything works out for him.

 

[Jagermeistered]

Men - have a one-track mentality; especially, when it comes - too: attraction. He is trying to multi-task, he will fail!

Hopefully - his child is more important, and not his submissive-imbecility!

 

[locker669]

Getting someone to leave an abusive relationship is VERY tough...there is alot of good advice already given above.

I have a different theoretical approach however that may help. I think relationships have to give us a certain "something" for us to stay in them. Breakups/divorces happen when that certain "something" is lacking.

GQ

100% correct. If you have a void in your life you find that something or someone to fill it.

 

[locker669]

Have you ever seen any abuse to your cousin? You (or he) could start writing down dates and times when the abuse happens.