Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Male prostitutes have long been referred to as "Pink Panthers". The reason is simple: all of them are peter sellers.
My wife and I are finally making progress with our married relationship. Yesterday, she even apologized to me... said she was sorry she ever met me.
Q: The toughest termite in the mound calls himself The Bug With No Name. Is this accurate?
A: Not really. He's more properly known as Clint Eatswood.
I was working as a spotter in a weight room, but had to quit... just handed in my too weak notice.
Prof. Van Helsing would immediately exterminate any full-sized vampires, but left dwarf bloodsuckers alone. He felt the stakes were too low.
I own a Porsche, but don't use it when I go out dating; it gives women the wrong impression about my humble, caring, considerate nature. So, I take my wife's car instead.
Astronomer: "According to our calculations, the blazing sun is made mostly out of the most basic element in our cosmos: hydrogen."
Hindenburg pilot: "Now you tell me!"
I wanted to cut an article out of the morning paper, but couldn't find any scissors. Quite upsetting... it reduced me to tears.
Before he became a world famous magician, David Copperfield was a soda jerk. People would come from miles around to see him make a root beer float.
To the rat who stole my place in line: I'll be coming after you!
Q: Simba the lion is married Nala the lioness, but spends more time with Timon the meerkat and Pumbaa the warthog. Why is that?
A: He just wants to stay true to his title, Kink of the Jungle.
All my friends tell me I shouldn't give in to peer pressure. Now I don't know what to do!
Two cannibals are eating a man in the woods. One turns to the other and asks, "Tell me truthfully; do you really enjoy this sort of life?"
"Sure!" the other replies jovially. "I'm having a ball!"
I teased a stray pup with a bit of sandwich meat; it made a leap for it, but bit my fingers instead.
"It's karma!" my wife crowed.
"No it isn't!" I whined in pain. "It's really riled up!"
Brunette he: "I can't live without you!"
Blonde she: "Me neither, obviously."
Folks call me bossy, just because every time I enter a bar, I order everyone a round!
Q: How can you ensure that your deaf girlfriend won't say "no"?
A: Quick, turn off the lights!
My deaf girlfriend just told me, "We have to talk." ... not a good sign.
Brunette: "Word is you want your dog to learn to heel."
Blonde: "Yeah, but it's pointless. So far, she won't even apply to medical school."
Q: What kind of sound does dogwood make?
A: "Bough-wow!"
I plan to transition to female and I was afraid the news would freak out my dad. But it turns out he's fully onboard! Just this morning I heard him on the phone, telling one of his pals, "I have no son!"
Brunette: "I hear you got hurt during your morning jog."
Blonde: "Yeah; I'd just come up to this old dude who couldn't quite handle an incline. He told me, 'Better be careful... there's some black guys up on the hill crest.' Well, of course I called him a racist, flipped him off, then streaked past him to the very top."
Brunette: "And did you run into any trouble?"
Blonde: "You bet I did! My feet shot out from under me and I slid all the way down the other side!"
* * *
My wife and I are finally making progress with our married relationship. Yesterday, she even apologized to me... said she was sorry she ever met me.
* * *
Q: The toughest termite in the mound calls himself The Bug With No Name. Is this accurate?
A: Not really. He's more properly known as Clint Eatswood.
* * *
I was working as a spotter in a weight room, but had to quit... just handed in my too weak notice.
* * *
Prof. Van Helsing would immediately exterminate any full-sized vampires, but left dwarf bloodsuckers alone. He felt the stakes were too low.
* * *
I own a Porsche, but don't use it when I go out dating; it gives women the wrong impression about my humble, caring, considerate nature. So, I take my wife's car instead.
* * *
Astronomer: "According to our calculations, the blazing sun is made mostly out of the most basic element in our cosmos: hydrogen."
Hindenburg pilot: "Now you tell me!"
* * *
I wanted to cut an article out of the morning paper, but couldn't find any scissors. Quite upsetting... it reduced me to tears.
* * *
Before he became a world famous magician, David Copperfield was a soda jerk. People would come from miles around to see him make a root beer float.
* * *
To the rat who stole my place in line: I'll be coming after you!
* * *
Q: Simba the lion is married Nala the lioness, but spends more time with Timon the meerkat and Pumbaa the warthog. Why is that?
A: He just wants to stay true to his title, Kink of the Jungle.
* * *
All my friends tell me I shouldn't give in to peer pressure. Now I don't know what to do!
* * *
Two cannibals are eating a man in the woods. One turns to the other and asks, "Tell me truthfully; do you really enjoy this sort of life?"
"Sure!" the other replies jovially. "I'm having a ball!"
* * *
I teased a stray pup with a bit of sandwich meat; it made a leap for it, but bit my fingers instead.
"It's karma!" my wife crowed.
"No it isn't!" I whined in pain. "It's really riled up!"
* * *
Brunette he: "I can't live without you!"
Blonde she: "Me neither, obviously."
* * *
Folks call me bossy, just because every time I enter a bar, I order everyone a round!
* * *
Q: How can you ensure that your deaf girlfriend won't say "no"?
A: Quick, turn off the lights!
* * *
My deaf girlfriend just told me, "We have to talk." ... not a good sign.
* * *
Brunette: "Word is you want your dog to learn to heel."
Blonde: "Yeah, but it's pointless. So far, she won't even apply to medical school."
* * *
Q: What kind of sound does dogwood make?
A: "Bough-wow!"
* * *
I plan to transition to female and I was afraid the news would freak out my dad. But it turns out he's fully onboard! Just this morning I heard him on the phone, telling one of his pals, "I have no son!"
* * *
Brunette: "I hear you got hurt during your morning jog."
Blonde: "Yeah; I'd just come up to this old dude who couldn't quite handle an incline. He told me, 'Better be careful... there's some black guys up on the hill crest.' Well, of course I called him a racist, flipped him off, then streaked past him to the very top."
Brunette: "And did you run into any trouble?"
Blonde: "You bet I did! My feet shot out from under me and I slid all the way down the other side!"
