Friendship 101??

[Miss Serendipity]

Disclaimer: This is in no way meant to come off as a “Poor me or Pity me” thread. This is not a cry for attention. It’s simply a way for me to get out my feelings and maybe get some feedback if anyone should have some.

Maybe this will make sense to you and maybe it won’t. I typically do not speak out a lot or say much on the forum because of my own personal belief that what I have to say doesn’t hold much merit. (This belief is mine alone and in no way relates to anyone but me) It comes my own insecurities.

I choose to speak out on this because it’s a subject that means a great deal to me. I love the TMF! You are basically a family to me & I take great pride in knowing that I can come here and share my thoughts on things I love being a part of this place. It makes me less alone in the world. Which brings me to my subject: “ friendship”


in my world outside of the this community I don’t have any friends here where I live. The friends I did have pretty much want nothing to do with me & I’ve tried talking to them, they just won’t talk to me.

The few people I have in my life live scattered through the states and world! All I really want are people I can count on. I’ve started to come the conclusion that something is seriously wrong with me. Otherwise why would I lose all the people that I ever meant anything to me. I try and be a great friend to all and I have watch practically all of them walk away.

It’s hard to lose your friends and to feel like no one cares about you as much as you care about them. It’s Like no matter what I do isn't enough and everyone always slips away. It's heartbreaking!! It’s a scientific fact that people who connect live longer. We all need connections and it helps to have those connections with others!



So with all this happening to me I am really starting to question myself! how I come across to people? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I keep friends in my life? what makes me so different? Am I really so unlovable or that scary that people don’t want to be around me??


I just need something to hold onto, something that won't slip right through my hands Someone who won't leave me when my life isn't all fine and dandy or even when it is. Everyone I know goes away in the end!. I have a huge heart but I guess people get scared away by that. I don't really know but it seems that way!

Thanks for letting me get this out. If you read this far I appreciate more that I can say, really!

- CHEY

 

[datickler]

Hi Chey,

Thank you for this post. I am in a similar situation in that I could never dream of mention my "interest" to anyone in hopes of it being well received, and many of the friendships Ive formed over the years have been lost.

I dont believe by any fault of my own, but I honestly dont know for sure. Ive shared those same feelings that perhaps there was something wrong with me, but life is too short to dwell on these things.

I agree the TMF is a loving community, full of acceptance and support for like-minded people such as ourselves who are more than happy to rally around and lift each other up when times are rough.

Im sure many others will share this sentiment, but anytime you need someone to talk to...rant, rave whatever you need to do you can always throw me a message.

 

[♡AimLEE♡]

Chey I know how you feel, girl!
I don't think you are doing this for attention at all .. its better to express your feelings rather than bottling them in and I'm glad you feel this is such a great community to be yourself .. I agree!

Once I graduated high school I lost half of my friends over some stupid prom drama that didn't even matter but it made me lose a lot of friends but it also helped me to see they aren't the friends I thought they were. They said a lot of awful stuff about me the whole summer and even burnt my bathing suit ... it's whatever now. I've grown up and moved on.. but it still hurts thinking about all the memories we used to have.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I really understand how you feel. You feel alone and just want someone you can call up and be able to just hang out with them and KNOW you'll have a good time no matter what! I want the same thing. It really sucks being alone on the weekends or not being to just rant to someone who understands.

I hope you realize that there is NOTHING wrong with you and its their lost for the people who chose to be bitches and stop talking to you. They need a reality check.. and fast! Just hang in their girl.. and although I know I'm not someone you can call up and hang out with asap I am here and you can PM anytime you need someone to talk to .. I'm a great listener!

Cheer up! 🙂

 

[nylonsnfeet]

True-blue friends are hard to find these days. I do not believe it has anything to do with "us" as individuals.

As an old timer, I have had friends over the years that at some point just become distant, or more the case "too busy".

I also know that at certain points in time I myself have "grown" & a different group of people come into life to reflect that change.

The most important thing I can say is DO NOT take it personally. Friends will come & they will go, & has nothing to do with you.

 

[Gothika]

well i dont know u but i dont think u r the reason u loose friinds its probly just the people u hang around mayby they think they are better then every else or are just butheads dont know but dont let that get ya down and dotn give up on making frinds there are planty of good people in this world dont let just a few get ya down with me i dont realy have manny frinds one of my best frinds got in to drugs and i have not seen him since and the others eather moved or something stupid brang us appart and i dont have manny hear where i live basicly because i just moved to texas from ny and only know a few people and i realy dont make a big effort to meet anyone i am kinda a shy person once u first meet me but after that i come out more what i am saying is just be ya self and dont try to make people like ya and u will meet people just dont give up and there are plenty of cool people here to just be ya self and dotn give up

 

[arion30]

most of my friends live at least an hour away from me (moved to places that were cheaper to live and buy houses) Nothing wrong with that and nothing wrong with me or with you. Just gotta go out, meet some new folks and make new friends 🙂
Anyone who wouldn't wanna be your friend is
A) Crazy
B) not worth your time

 

[Helena]

Disclaimer: in my world outside of the this community I don’t have any friends here where I live. The friends I did have pretty much want nothing to do with me & I’ve tried talking to them, they just won’t talk to me.

The few people I have in my life live scattered through the states and world! All I really want are people I can count on. I’ve started to come the conclusion that something is seriously wrong with me. Otherwise why would I lose all the people that I ever meant anything to me. I try and be a great friend to all and I have watch practically all of them walk away.

Hi Chey,
We haven't chatted until now, so I'm ending that with a post in your thread. 😀
Are you in college, or working right now? Did you move away from where you were living? I ask only because you mentioned that the people in your life are scattered around the world. Did you recently graduate from high school, and aren't able to keep in touch with people? Where you out one night, and had a drunken rage in a pirate costume...no wait...that was me...nevermind.

It’s hard to lose your friends and to feel like no one cares about you as much as you care about them. It’s Like no matter what I do isn't enough and everyone always slips away. It's heartbreaking!! It’s a scientific fact that people who connect live longer. We all need connections and it helps to have those connections with others!
So with all this happening to me I am really starting to question myself! how I come across to people? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I keep friends in my life? what makes me so different? Am I really so unlovable or that scary that people don’t want to be around me??

Expecting to hold on to the same friends forever will leave you feeling disappointed. As you grow and change, you will have many different experiences, and meet many different people. Along the way, there might be people that you really click with, and it's possible that you may continue your friendship with them for your entire life. But it's unrealistic to think that all of your friends will be there forever. The one thing you can always count on in life is change.

I just need something to hold onto, something that won't slip right through my hands Someone who won't leave me when my life isn't all fine and dandy or even when it is. Everyone I know goes away in the end!. I have a huge heart but I guess people get scared away by that. I don't really know but it seems that way!
Thanks for letting me get this out. If you read this far I appreciate more that I can say, really!- CHEY

Friends that will be there for you no matter what are not easy to come by. Relationships take time to build, and you shouldn't give just anyone your trust, or try to force a relationship with someone who doesn't want your company just to be with anyone, instead of being alone. I have had some lonely times in my life, and I've had my share of intense struggles, but nothing lasts forever, and I promise you'll get through this.

 

[Excess]

lol Friends aren't worth thinking about much imo. I mean I get that you can get lonely and such, but really, putting your happiness in someone else's hands leaves you too open to get hurt. Maybe I'm just jaded because I've convinced myself that feeling something for people is no longer really worth it, but here's what I choose to believe:

People's feelings are often fickle. It's not so much a flaw in them as it is a flaw in the human spirit. There are different things that people look for in companionship, whether it be something exciting or something safe, but when things go on for too long, repetition can set in. And so most people begin to look for fresh friends to bring new excitement, and in doing so may leave the old ones behind. Now there are some people that just form such a connection that it goes deeper than that, but those are probably rare, and I wouldn't know anything about them as I've never had one.

So I guess the point is to keep putting yourself out there, but don't count on anyone to last. If it does, then you've struck gold, if not then take a little bit and move on. I know, horrible advice, but I'm no Advice Dog. XD

 

[Dave2112]

Chey, I would put far more stock in your relationship with yourself and people in your real life than anything else. That's a start.

As for the rest...well, I'd consider a handful of true friends to be far better than a million fairweather. People do come and go, it's the nature of life. I'm sure it's not a matter of you "doing something wrong" or coming across wrong or anything like that.

Ask yourself a few questions. What am I looking for in friendship? Am I doing what I expect people to do for me?

We all go through phases where we find ourselves a bit on the lonely side. But, if you have that strength of self, the rest is gravy. Plus, as we found out the other night, you do have at least one to always lean on, right? 😉

You're ok. Just let life happen.

 

[Bohemianne]

As for the rest...well, I'd consider a handful of true friends to be far better than a million fairweather.

^ Agreed.

Currently I got very very few quality friends in real life. After that, I have a dozen of hobbies and basically buried with responsibilities.

Join a sports club or any club of your interest. This is what I did in college. Colorful. Out of many friends, I was left with one best friend, who visited me lately at home after some years of being busy at work. We used to laugh at shallow things. We laughed till midnight and it felt so very good.

 

[MissGiggleQueen]

I get where your coming from.


I am sorry your not able to keep friends. It must be really lonely for you and you seem like such a great person, I can't imagine why anyone would want to stop being friends with you.

I wish I had some words of comfort for you.


hang it there

 

[Saeria]

The funny thing about friendships is that by all respects, they are fleeting and should be treated as such. People change and grow and chances are 10 years from now you'll only have retained maybe one or two of the friends you've made in the past few years. Understanding then that friendship is cyclic is not saying that it's solely other people that change and grow, it's going to be you too.
The experiences that you have in your life are steadily changing the way you feel about yourself and the world around you and you may not have the same appreciations years down the road that you do now. 15 years ago i thought RunDMC and Kriss Kross hung the moon, I liked to hang around people that liked to do the hammer and go to church on Sundays. 10 years ago i liked Smashing Pumpkins, I had quite a few friends and we all wore our NIN t-shirts with flannels over them even in the summertime, we smoked lots of pot and tried to get kicked out of every restaraunt we visited. 5 Years ago i spoke to no one, had no desire to make any friends, didn't really appreciate any kind of music and dressed in whatever i had because the world didn't matter much to me. Now, I practically live in a workshirt. My daughter and my boyfriend hang the moon, i go to local metal shows just as often as i possibly can and i tend to make friends with people that are open and outspoken, but not wild partiers.
I'm sure everyone has changed substantially over the years. I think this, then, is why it sometimes seems hard to keep friends. Just take things as they come, and remember, kids... quality over quantity. Good friends tell you what a loser your exhusband is, real friends will help you hide the body 😉 ...

The end

 

[BlackestLily]

Disclaimer:

Maybe this will make sense to you and maybe it won’t. I typically do not speak out a lot or say much on the forum because of my own personal belief that what I have to say doesn’t hold much merit. (This belief is mine alone and in no way relates to anyone but me) It comes my own insecurities.

in my world outside of the this community I don’t have any friends here where I live. The friends I did have pretty much want nothing to do with me & I’ve tried talking to them, they just won’t talk to me.

The few people I have in my life live scattered through the states and world! All I really want are people I can count on. I’ve started to come the conclusion that something is seriously wrong with me. Otherwise why would I lose all the people that I ever meant anything to me. I try and be a great friend to all and I have watch practically all of them walk away.


- CHEY

Well, I guess I won't go the route others took with advice (though it was rather fantastic advice), but I noticed a tone in your note that bothered me a little bit. You mentioned being insecure and that you believe what you say doesn't hold merit.

Believe it or not, I think people can pretty well detect that. I have had some rough times in my life, and I always go to my sister for advice. I always ask her, "Why does (insert relationship, friendship, etc) never seem to work out for me? Am I destined to be happy, then miserable, then happy again in a cycle?" And she always replies with, "Other people will have a great challenge in loving you if you cannot love yourself."

And you know what? It's true. I recall friendships where the friend seemed more desperate for any sort of friendship than a friendship with me. I am drawn to people who are at ease with themselves and how life is going. Even if it's not perfect, they have the relaxed confidence in themselves that things will always work out in the end.

I've had friendships where they need constant reassurance that they...aren't fat, are attractive to guys, are attractive to girls, people find them interesting, they aren't as stupid as their dad thinks, won't be a failure, etc. You name it, people have that insecurity. And you know? Some are okay. Friendship is about sharing, growth, accepting others for things you like AND dislike so they return the same favor to you. But I can ask a lot of people, and many won't want a masochistic friendship. One where they have to be the parent and 'raise' the friend, their self esteem, etc. I suppose I'm giving generics, this isn't true for everyone. And this certainly doesn't have to apply to you.

But I recommend you observe around you. Truly look at yourself and weed out times when it is you, when it is them, when it is merely circumstance, and when it doesn't matter either way.

So what do you expect out of a friendship? What are you counting on friends for? Do you have a healthy view of what a friendship IS for? What sorts of friends are you attracting? How is your demeanor around them? Do you talk about things that interest them and vice versa? Do you require too little or demand too much from them? What do you seek in a friend and are you looking in the right areas?

Only you can answer those questions. They may help you find answers. And be happy with who you are, because I'm sure a lot have agreed already that you are simply fabulous, now it's your turn to see that for yourself.

 

[kis123]

You're receiving a lot of sound advice so I hope you're soaking it in and getting lots to think about.

I look at your photo and see a beautiful young woman; there's good news and bad news in your youth. Being young means lots of opportunity for growth, change,and development. It also means lots of chances for pain, betrayal, lonliness, and despiteful use by others. The next decade is going to see like one giant coaster ride with people coming in and out of your life and what those encounters bring.

First, I would advise you to embrace what I call seasonal relationships. They are in your life but they don't stay. You can learn a lot from these; they can teach about you and your place in the world. They can accentuate your positives and expose your negatives. They can make you stand in the mirror and examine yourself similar to what you're doing now.

Second, take a breather and learn how to relax more. To paraphrase PurrBast, people can feel that tense vibe from a mile away. People have enough problems and issues in their own lives and don't want to adopt more. They want friends to make their lives better, not crazier. Develop self-confidence and know that you are enough just the way you are. Now if you do have some issues to work on, by all means work on them. But it just sounds like life has beaten up on you for awhile and you're second guessing yourself. I learned self confidence and self respect by accepting that I was enough; I wasn't the sum of my parents' mistakes and I certainly wasn't what my so called peers said about me. It takes a long time to get those voices out of your head, but persistence pays off.

My closest friend and I were two very unlikely folks who got stuck with the same sucky lunch period in high school because everyone in the music program had 6th period lunch. That's been nearly 30 years ago; during that time we both married, had kids, and our own lives to live. We allowed it to drift us apart but we're together now with gray hair, separation (mine), sending kids to college. Life comes full circle and those who mean the most to you will be there although seasonal.

I'm glad that you thought enough of us to share your issues. I wish I had this forum when I was your age. You can get opinions from people all over the world now........freaking cool!

 

[Miss Serendipity]

Mammer09: Amy! Thank you! Yeah unfortunetly in life friendships do change,
its sad but it happens. I offer you the same thing. Evenr
need anything just PM me!

Well, I guess I won't go the route others took with advice (though it was rather fantastic advice), but I noticed a tone in your note that bothered me a little bit. You mentioned being insecure and that you believe what you say doesn't hold merit.

Believe it or not, I think people can pretty well detect that. I have had some rough times in my life, and I always go to my sister for advice. I always ask her, "Why does (insert relationship, friendship, etc) never seem to work out for me? Am I destined to be happy, then miserable, then happy again in a cycle?" And she always replies with, "Other people will have a great challenge in loving you if you cannot love yourself."

And you know what? It's true. I recall friendships where the friend seemed more desperate for any sort of friendship than a friendship with me. I am drawn to people who are at ease with themselves and how life is going. Even if it's not perfect, they have the relaxed confidence in themselves that things will always work out in the end.

I've had friendships where they need constant reassurance that they...aren't fat, are attractive to guys, are attractive to girls, people find them interesting, they aren't as stupid as their dad thinks, won't be a failure, etc. You name it, people have that insecurity. And you know? Some are okay. Friendship is about sharing, growth, accepting others for things you like AND dislike so they return the same favor to you. But I can ask a lot of people, and many won't want a masochistic friendship. One where they have to be the parent and 'raise' the friend, their self esteem, etc. I suppose I'm giving generics, this isn't true for everyone. And this certainly doesn't have to apply to you.

But I recommend you observe around you. Truly look at yourself and weed out times when it is you, when it is them, when it is merely circumstance, and when it doesn't matter either way.

So what do you expect out of a friendship? What are you counting on friends for? Do you have a healthy view of what a friendship IS for? What sorts of friends are you attracting? How is your demeanor around them? Do you talk about things that interest them and vice versa? Do you require too little or demand too much from them? What do you seek in a friend and are you looking in the right areas?

Only you can answer those questions. They may help you find answers. And be happy with who you are, because I'm sure a lot have agreed already that you are simply fabulous, now it's your turn to see that for yourself.

You make very great points PurrBast & I appreciate that you
not only took the time to read my post but also offered some
things I could try.
Thanks for responding!


And a thanks to everyone else who read or responded to this. I appreciate all your words.

 

[MissGiggleQueen]

aww thats really sad! just keep being you. the people that love you will always stay by your side. the rest don't count.

-GQ

 

[DimpleToes]

Chey sweety, ppl will come and go in your life. You willhave freinds for a season and those few who will be with your for life.

DOnt try to please everyone.. just be yourself and if they dont like it then walk away.

I do know the feeling though, I have some very close freinds whom I felt I was helping and when they did not need my help anymore they left. Take it as a learning experince.. no more than that..

Ya know I am always here for ya sis..

HUGSSSSSS/Lisa

 

[WorkInProgress]

I've been through a lot of journeys on this subject, myself, and with my only living relatives now being cousins, I know what it's like to depend heavily on friendships. That said, the good news is, the best really is yet to come, because the formation of true and lasting friendships comes more easily for a lot of people, including me, after age 30 and even moreso after age 40. That doesn't mean you have to wait till you reach those ages to expect to have friends, it just means, it gets better with time. In high school and in college, people certainly form meaningful friendships, but they also frequently use the word "friend" when they really mean "fellow member of a peer group that hangs out together."

What I think everybody should do, though, is find maximum activities that involve not only only meeting people socially but having tasks to work on with people collaboratively--anything from political campaigns to creativity workshops to competitive athletic teams, whatever personally interests you. Now, it's not a matter of walking in on the first day, looking over the people in the room, and thinking, "which of these people is going to be my new best friend," but rather, cultivating a lifestyle that systematically and intrinsically involves contact with people in the context of common interests and common goals.

My own situation at the moment is that most of my own close friends are in New York City, and while I get up there once a month and see people I'm close to, it still gets lonely down here in Baltimore. Since it looks like I may be here a while (and it's also anybody's guess where my next teaching job will take me), I have discovered the value of getting local affiliations, and I've started hooking up with local creative groups, even one which involves venturing into a type of creative work that I haven't done much of in the past, for the sake of being part of local artistic communities. I still don't have close local friendships, but I've at least managed to increase the number of Baltimore people who know me by name outside of my job.

Real friendships, though, still come slowly, and much of it is luck.

(If there are any other aspects of the problem that I have failed to address that would be of interest to you, I'll be glad to try again.)

 

[kered]

True-blue friends are hard to find these days. I do not believe it has anything to do with "us" as individuals.

As an old timer, I have had friends over the years that at some point just become distant, or more the case "too busy".

I also know that at certain points in time I myself have "grown" & a different group of people come into life to reflect that change.

The most important thing I can say is DO NOT take it personally. Friends will come & they will go, & has nothing to do with you.

Very good advice and so very true. I have two truly life long friends from high school and have lost track of the others I was close to back then. It is a part of life as we grow older and situations change for everyone. It is no reflection on you, just the way things are.