After a year and a half?? probably so...or you wouldn't be askin' 😀
^Bingo.
The single most useful piece of advice I've ever given that is applicable to damn near any situation is this:
Move in the direction of your doubt.
That is to say, the moment you question something, or instinct or "that little voice" raises an objection, it's an indicator of doubt. Listening to your doubt and moving accordingly is far more often than not the safest of your options.
You're questioning your actions. You should listen to why you question.
Beyond that, on the matter of grudges, I have a different view than most. While I agree that
unnecessary stress presents a problem, I do not think a grudge must always induce this.
It would be nice if we could always just give up grudges, and things would be happy, but the human being did not so evolve. People keep grudges because there is survival benefit in them. They are evidence of a lesson well-learned that an object or person presents a threat.
The problem then becomes, how do I retain the survival benefit of the lesson, while discarding the survival deficit of undue stress? It takes some practice, but it's a matter of processing and compartmentalizing. Just as there is "hot-blooded" and "cold-blooded" murder, so are there hot and cold-blooded grudges.
Most people process a grudge hot-bloodedly. This is their failure. They become obsessive, their blood pressure rises at the mere mention of a person, etc. They do themselves damage in this way.
I can process grudges cold-bloodedly, I've found, with no ill effects, but the ability to smile a bit when one against whom I hold a grudge has a personal failure. My grudges are passive, cold. It's not exactly Buddhist of me, I know, but maybe a bit Taoist -- I appreciate the rebalancing of things.
ADDENDUM: Most people wouldn't even consider what I do to be holding a grudge, it's so minor and innocuous. It's really just the next best thing to not caring at all, but to be honest with myself (and you), I can never say I'm
totally apathetic to someone else. So if I smile once in a blue moon at someone's well-deserved failure, I don't consider it a big deal, I consider it human, and it requires no energy to maintain.
To hold an active grudge would just wear me out. Don't do that.
