Happily married gentlemen, how did you know she was "the one"

[rhiannon]

I'm not a happily married gentleman, but all I had to read was this:

I'm with a decent enough girl, one of the best I've had but I'm not happy. She's ready for marriage and children and I'm ready to finish pilot training so I can start grad school.

She is NOT the one, because you forgot a word between the and one: right! The right one will respect what you want, the right one will be ready to compromise with you, the right one is marching to the same tune you are! Not your tune, just the same tune...because she has the same plans you do, just naturally, not because she wants to please you.

A friend of mine rushed her BF into marrying and having a child. And what do they do now? Cheating on each other. Great! Don't get married before you are ready, never ever! If she's the one, she will wait for you!

Honestly, reading your sig, GQGuy, it amazes me you would ask a question like that! 😉

 

[GQguy]

There really is no "one" person who can meet all your needs GQ; that's the result of a lot of social, religious, and cultural conditioning. This is why marriage only works 50% of the time because eventually you grow up and realize that all you were reaching for came from someone else's preconditioned expectations, not your own.

But I digress.........

Just because someone got divorced doesn't mean they don't have a perspective; they were at least married. Since you don't know the circumstances for the split it's really a blind judgement from you who has YET to even get married. Since I don't want to stray too far from your OP, I'm going to give you an example that I never thought I'd discuss on this forum but it's in order to make a point.

Marriage is NOT what most people think it is when they first get married. They have to make it their own and not fit it into society's box of preconceived notions and false expectations. I know there are several married couples right here in this forum that can attest to the validity of my statements. When I married in 1989 I had no idea what I was in for or getting myself into and neither did my husband. We just thought we'd do better than our parents did (who miserably failed at "traditional" marriage roles). And we did too and raised two wonderful children (one his own, one I had before we met).

After 22 years of ups and downs that would nauseate a roller coaster, I laid him to rest three days before his 63rd birthday. In the days before he died and even today I realized one thing.......he was the "one." He was the one who drove me insane, almost drove me to suicide and damn near to homicide. He was the one who had my son's back and NEVER referred to him as a stepson. He was the one who treated my daughter like a princess who wanted for nothing. He was the one who would bring me money and meals just because he had me on his mind. He was the one that I would stop everything I was doing if he got himself into trouble (which was a lot unfortunately). We took better care of each other in our separation then we EVER did as a couple. When he got sick, the last name that came from his mouth before the stroke and seizure took over was mine, not the other women, and not even our own daughter's.....mine. I was his "one" last contact and the last hand who held his shortly before he took his last breath and left this earth.

He was also the one who I loved deeply but concluded I could no longer live with in marriage (in the traditional sense). He was also the same one who it took years to conclude to formally divorce until this year, but life and death had other plans for him......so instead of being the divorcee, I have been the widow since July 14.

He was the "one" GQ so I know EXACTLY what I'm talking about when I say that who you are dealing with now may be a very nice person but I really don't think she's the person for you. And I say that with 22 years of experience-just slightly shorter than you've been alive.

Hope I've cleared up the qualifications to answer your question for you and hopefully you won't be so quick to dismiss the opinions or advice of others regardless of their marital status. As I've sat and written this very personal and intimate piece of my life down, it still reduces me to tears to feel that I've already had that "one" and will probably never have another "one", at least not like him. Parts of me never want another one like him again, and parts of me died inside July 14, 2011 and I've never get them back.

I didn't say to dump her on the side of the road, but I am saying that if you are not ready to live in the world she's ready for then you need to let her go sooner than later; later means misery for you both.

Amazing story. Thank you for your response. I'm glad that you found your "one". You guys both loved each other deeply. I wasn't saying that divorced people don't have good advice to give. But the advice from divorced people is different. For the most part they will tell you what they would do in my shoes.....and in the end I'd end up like them. That's not where I want to be. If you look at the responses from people there is a theme for each status of married/divorced/never married. You'll note that not one happily married person has said "she is not the one"..yet the divorcees will. And that's cool, but saying that doesn't make me think. The married guys/gals tell me about their "one". Not to sound corny...but I tear up inside at how beautiful their professions of love are. I want that. Listening to them will hopefully get me where they are someday. I'm learning!

The responses from the happily married people have been amazing! They really make me think. Bellas one statement "that there was nothing in this world he could think of that wouldn't be better if he shared it with me. No accomplishments, nowhere he wanted to travel or live...nothing would be as cool without me in the picture." has been truly thought provoking. Marquis Di Sade is very much in love with his wife after many years and his assessment of what the one is for him helps me to understand what the one is for me. Determining if my girl is the one or not is entirely my decision. But I must have a proper, fair and realistic idea of what the one is. For you it was someone that took your kid in as his own and has always been there for you.....coupled with the darker sides. I would say based on your description and your eventual separation that he wasn't "your one". But he is! You said it. My "one" means a happy marriage and me feeling like I've realized my potential and accomplished something.

You don't have to tell me she isn't the one. All of my divorced friends and family will tell me that too. But I'm my own man. I make my own decisions based on as much information I can gather in the time allotted. I look at this situation and thread as a learning experience. I want to learn and will draw conclusions on my own. I love the advice of our older happily married members(regardless of gender) because I know their marriage isn't all roses, they make tons of sacrifices and compromises to keep things going and yet they're happy. Their marriage in and of itself is an achievement. By seeing what standards keeps them happy I can better appraise my standards which I tend to set very high.....especially on myself.

You speak of traditional marriage. I'm not sure what you mean. My desired marriage is fair. We both work together. We both believe in one another and push each other to realize all of our potential. We both get out more than we put in. My problem is her problem and vice versa. We would be goal oriented....not task oriented. We would have fun, together and separately! And do things because WE wanted to do them....not because norms dictate that we do.

I will say this thread has been/is great. It really makes me think about what I want/need. Hopefully i'm not the only benefiting. It helps to see your thoughts in text on a screen.....even if it is on tickling forum!


thanks
GQ

 

[GQguy]

second, you don't need the added distraction of getting married and having kids while your trying to do something like what you are doing. These things should be done when your at a stable point in your life, not when focussing on certain goals.

I almost feel guilty that I can't. But you're right. If only I had a nickle for every time our instructors remind us to NOT get married during pilot training. I hear you man!

Perhaps this is the starting point of your misery. If you are still undergraduate, never get serious into relationship, much more live pre-maritally with one. You are halfway into the trap now, actually. If you really want to finish your noble studies, then it is better to live in full concentration --> alone.

She is 5 years older while you are still a student? Looks like you're still both young. She must be encouraged to focus on her career and earn well instead of plunging into family life already. There is plenty of time for creating kids and building a family after all your studying is over, IMHO. You'll realize after you graduate that the world is still a vast wasteland to frontier and you will be juiced to do another level of rat race. Any situation (single or married) can get you to your journey but try to imagine if there is a kid or mouth to feed by the time you want to push through your limits. There is no reason for you to hurdle earning twice and be burdened by this all.

But since I can't rule out what you have now, just good luck on your decisions.

We're old! Ok...not that old. I'm 29 and she's 34. I left undergrad before graduating to enlist in the military. Served for a few years before they sent me back to finish. Now I'm in pilot training which takes two years...and I'll need my masters after that to make more rank. Ideally, I want to be fully established when I have children. No school unless I'm going for a PhD which I can do at my own pace.

Honestly, reading your sig, GQGuy, it amazes me you would ask a question like that! 😉

Haha! Seriously. Naivete. But I will say there isn't a cuter and smarter girl across the bar in this case. Just a different girl. If I'm the problem and I don't become aware of it and fix it, then the cycle will repeat itself over and over again.

GQguy

 

[Bothersome]

Well, a lot of guys never do. They get pushed into it. Trapped. Then unhappy.

When you meet the right one, you'll want to.

We'll see.

 

[kis123]

Amazing story. Thank you for your response. I'm glad that you found your "one". You guys both loved each other deeply. I wasn't saying that divorced people don't have good advice to give. But the advice from divorced people is different. For the most part they will tell you what they would do in my shoes.....and in the end I'd end up like them. That's not where I want to be. If you look at the responses from people there is a theme for each status of married/divorced/never married. You'll note that not one happily married person has said "she is not the one"..yet the divorcees will. And that's cool, but saying that doesn't make me think. The married guys/gals tell me about their "one". Not to sound corny...but I tear up inside at how beautiful their professions of love are. I want that. Listening to them will hopefully get me where they are someday. I'm learning!

The responses from the happily married people have been amazing! They really make me think. Bellas one statement "that there was nothing in this world he could think of that wouldn't be better if he shared it with me. No accomplishments, nowhere he wanted to travel or live...nothing would be as cool without me in the picture." has been truly thought provoking. Marquis Di Sade is very much in love with his wife after many years and his assessment of what the one is for him helps me to understand what the one is for me. Determining if my girl is the one or not is entirely my decision. But I must have a proper, fair and realistic idea of what the one is. For you it was someone that took your kid in as his own and has always been there for you.....coupled with the darker sides. I would say based on your description and your eventual separation that he wasn't "your one". But he is! You said it. My "one" means a happy marriage and me feeling like I've realized my potential and accomplished something.

You don't have to tell me she isn't the one. All of my divorced friends and family will tell me that too. But I'm my own man. I make my own decisions based on as much information I can gather in the time allotted. I look at this situation and thread as a learning experience. I want to learn and will draw conclusions on my own. I love the advice of our older happily married members(regardless of gender) because I know their marriage isn't all roses, they make tons of sacrifices and compromises to keep things going and yet they're happy. Their marriage in and of itself is an achievement. By seeing what standards keeps them happy I can better appraise my standards which I tend to set very high.....especially on myself.

You speak of traditional marriage. I'm not sure what you mean. My desired marriage is fair. We both work together. We both believe in one another and push each other to realize all of our potential. We both get out more than we put in. My problem is her problem and vice versa. We would be goal oriented....not task oriented. We would have fun, together and separately! And do things because WE wanted to do them....not because norms dictate that we do.

I will say this thread has been/is great. It really makes me think about what I want/need. Hopefully i'm not the only benefiting. It helps to see your thoughts in text on a screen.....even if it is on tickling forum!


thanks
GQ

Bolded parts:

1) I am insulted by your assessment of my relationship. I wasn't shopping for a daddy for my kid; a man who is going to love me was going to love my child as well. He didn't take my son in like a stray puppy.....he loved us both which prepared him to be a father when eventually he had one of his own. I don't know where you got your opinion from but I couldn't tell you that you couldn't be more wrong about the relationship between my husband and his son. The only thing he didn't do was involve himself in the conception; he was a good father and friend to him and they could not have been two closer people alive....unfortunately my son literally lost his best friend and the only conclusion you can come with is what you posted? I'm leaving this one alone before I forget that I'm dealing with someone young enough to be my child. Grown man or not, you sir have plenty of growing up to do, especially when it comes to relationships. Your assessment is arrogant at best and ignorant at worst.

Yes we separated but we DIDN'T divorce. Just because you love someone doesn't always mean you can live with them in the traditional sense. One day you'll grow up and see life and reality for what really is and not what you're so-called logic can deduct. If I knew you would be so judgmental and cold about my situation I wouldn't have wasted my time divulging it to you. Apparently you got nothing positive from my post and the only thing you can manage to do is pick it apart and criticize.

This is not the first time you've been dismissive, sarcastic, and disrespectul towards me, but it is DEFINITELY the last. I will remember in the future not to bother........thanks.

2) Yes, I do have to tell you that she's NOT the one because that is what you really wanted in the first place. You can make all the excuses you want and decorate it with your "logic", but at the end of the day, if you knew for certain you had the right one you wouldn't be getting opinions from strangers in a fetish forum about it.

3) If you don't know what traditional marriage means, google it because apparantly you don't respect my opinion enough for me to explain it to you.

Don't worry; I'm out of your thread and will not bother you with my feelings/opinions on this or any other matter where you are concerned. Good luck in your decision; hopefully your logic and deducing will get you the love and real relationship you desire. It's not an engineering project, it's about life, love, and marriage. The sooner you realize that the better you and whatever woman you end up with will be.

Peace and out..............

 

[HallowedGround5]

It's absolutely selfish. It's the definition of selfish. It's MY happiness. I can get married to her tomorrow to please her and be miserable my whole life. We can have kids next year to please her only to have my childhood repeated with a father(me) that's constantly gone and too busy and frankly not ready for kids. What does she do for me? Nothing. She's cool. She a distraction at times. I don't see her helping me in reaching my goals. The best I can hope for is that she has a neutral effect.

But again....The layman can tell me to break it off, send her and her dog home and focus on flying. I know this is one of my options. My fear is losing the "one". My theory on what the woman I would marry would be like is simple...."makes me happy" more specifically "losing her during this particular tough phase in my life would make things harder because with her in my life things are easier". Actually I'm always challenging myself so the last sentence stands true for awhile.....pretty much till I'm ready for kids where my focus will move from me to what kind of mother she is and how well we would work as a unit raising kids(see selfish still) I want to convince my heart that she is making me better....but it's tough. If I could have her move next door and still be together I'd take that option in a heartbeat so I can focus more on just me.

So I wonder if I'm missing something. That's why I'm asking for the happily married men to enlighten me. I'm not complaining....I love her.....and she loves me..I think. Sometimes I feel like her biological clock happened to stop ticking on me..and now the timer is set to start making babies....and if we broke up it wouldn't take but 6 months before she starts dating a 40 year old dude ready to pop them out 10 years into his career. I'm not feeling special. I'm not asking anyone to tell me what to do. I just want to hear what some men were thinking when they made the very important decision to get married. The longer the individual has been married, along with the amount that they've been able to accomplish gets more respect from me. (Any man that pops the question and is fully committed gets props....it's the multitasking that's getting me)

GQ

I think it is possible to see this in a bit of a different way. If making the woman you marry happy makes you happy, then you can be both selfish and selfless at the same time. The main thing is to understand that what you want to look for is "interdependence". You can't find that until both people in the relationship are able to be independent, by themselves.

 

[GQguy]

Bolded parts:

1) I am insulted by your assessment of my relationship. I wasn't shopping for a daddy for my kid; a man who is going to love me was going to love my child as well. He didn't take my son in like a stray puppy.....he loved us both which prepared him to be a father when eventually he had one of his own. I don't know where you got your opinion from but I couldn't tell you that you couldn't be more wrong about the relationship between my husband and his son. The only thing he didn't do was involve himself in the conception; he was a good father and friend to him and they could not have been two closer people alive....unfortunately my son literally lost his best friend and the only conclusion you can come with is what you posted? I'm leaving this one alone before I forget that I'm dealing with someone young enough to be my child. Grown man or not, you sir have plenty of growing up to do, especially when it comes to relationships. Your assessment is arrogant at best and ignorant at worst.

Yes we separated but we DIDN'T divorce. Just because you love someone doesn't always mean you can live with them in the traditional sense. One day you'll grow up and see life and reality for what really is and not what you're so-called logic can deduct. If I knew you would be so judgmental and cold about my situation I wouldn't have wasted my time divulging it to you. Apparently you got nothing positive from my post and the only thing you can manage to do is pick it apart and criticize.

This is not the first time you've been dismissive, sarcastic, and disrespectul towards me, but it is DEFINITELY the last. I will remember in the future not to bother........thanks.

2) Yes, I do have to tell you that she's NOT the one because that is what you really wanted in the first place. You can make all the excuses you want and decorate it with your "logic", but at the end of the day, if you knew for certain you had the right one you wouldn't be getting opinions from strangers in a fetish forum about it.

3) If you don't know what traditional marriage means, google it because apparantly you don't respect my opinion enough for me to explain it to you.

Don't worry; I'm out of your thread and will not bother you with my feelings/opinions on this or any other matter where you are concerned. Good luck in your decision; hopefully your logic and deducing will get you the love and real relationship you desire. It's not an engineering project, it's about life, love, and marriage. The sooner you realize that the better you and whatever woman you end up with will be.

Peace and out..............

Whoa!!! This is why text is tough. I in NO WAY MEANT DISRESPECT. Wow. I'm so sorry you took it that way. I appreciated your heartfelt story. I am so sorry for your loss! Sincerely. I simply highlighted one of the major factors that you mentioned as being a characteristic of your "one". You only mentioned your son first so I used that. "Shopping for a daddy"!? huh? Never even crossed my mind! It could have been how he treated your daughter like a princess or that he would bring you money and food because he thought of you. In no way did I mean disrespect to you or your husband. That's just not me. From the bottom of my heart. I respect your opinion Kis very much. If you put me on block...that's fine. But know that while I may challenge your ideas and thoughts...I would never disrespect the person. Never. I'm rereading my post and the highlighted section and I still don't get it. It's not up to me to say what your "one" is or not. That's what I was saying. But the fact that you say he was your "one" means just that! He is your "one". How can I say otherwise? Just as you can't tell me who my "one" is.

My take on divorcees is harsh. You're not divorced so it doesn't apply to you then. I do know though that when it comes to success it's best to take advice from those that are successful. Nothing against you(who is not divorced) or anyone else. I could easily call up my divorced uncles and aunts who love me and want to see me succeed but I simply don't want to be there. If I need advice on how to rebound after a divorce my mom's brother will be the first one to call. Just as I wouldn't ask a happily married man how to rebound after a divorce why would I ask a divorced man about how to start a happy marriage?

Do I have alot to learn about relationships.....hell yes!! You're damn right I'm not sure if she is the one. But I want to be sure. Simple. So I ask those that are obviously with the one and happily married to tell me about their "one".

I am very aware of the dark spot in my Johari's window that I'm trying to close up. Reminding me of my ignorance when I seek knowledge from those that I desire to be like serves no purpose.

Love isn't a checkbox on an application(which I approach it as at times)....and reading many of these responses reminds me of that. Thanks to all for your insightful responses!

GQ

Again...from the bottom of my heart. No disrespect.

 

[Leo tickles]

I'm keeping a close eye on this thread to look at the different view points. I'm pulling for ya GQ, don't know how to add to this just yet.

 

[Bohemianne]

We're old! Ok...not that old. I'm 29 and she's 34. I left undergrad before graduating to enlist in the military. Served for a few years before they sent me back to finish. Now I'm in pilot training which takes two years...and I'll need my masters after that to make more rank. Ideally, I want to be fully established when I have children. No school unless I'm going for a PhD which I can do at my own pace.

34... Not so bad. She has at least 3 more years to go before she gets biologically at risk giving you a first born child. But such matters aren't impossible nowadays. I understand there's more to it in your real life than what was posted. 😉

 

[PiedPiper]

In no particular order whatsoever:

1. When you meet someone who is already happy and doesn't need to depend on you or anyone else for their own happiness
2. When you meet someone who doesn't need validation from you or anyone else to feel good about themselves
3. When you meet someone who has their own goals/dreams and will accomplish them with or without you
4. The concept of being with somebody after them else might as well be a foreign language (Mila Kunis is the only exception)
5. Head games are tossed out the window
6. They make you want to be a better person without being prompted
7. You inspire, push and challenge each other
8. Needing to spend time with each other in comparison to previous partners is instead, wanting to spend time with each other
9. The

You know what. This could actually turn into the longest post in the history of the forum if I go on. The list is endless. In short (in regards to my own indescribably happy eight year-long relationship after having known each other for just six months and personal opinion), when you the meet The One, the thought of marriage isn't even a concept that requires analyzing. It's the most perfect and logical next step and nothing else computes. It's on the same wavelength as kissing.

You discuss individual wants sure, but compromise and sacrifice comes naturally as both realize they were individuals before meeting each other and will continue to be individuals despite being in a union. You grow separately but together if that makes sense. Giving the other the time they need in order to fulfill their needs should be given more than willingly in exchange for the pride they'll share together once the task has been completed.

As for accomplishments. I'm the type who is never quite satisfied with my own progress when it comes to anything. I'm a perfectionist. If I look back however and itemize everything I've crossed off my list in comparison to the few I compete with on a personal and professional level since taking my vows, the list impresses even me.

_____________________________

This is really quite excellent. Bravo. The only thing I would add, based on the experiences with my second wife - ("the one") - was that she recognized and addressed herself to the difficulties I encountered in trying to be the person I was,.... and I did the same for her. We both traveled extensively in our work, so smothering was not an issue,... nor was excessive dependency one way or the other. Two whole weeks at home simultaneously was a rarity. But if she knew that I would rather be tinkering in the shop instead of mentally decomposing in a social situation, she would demand that I get my ass out to the shop and stop being a bother. Just being oneself is not as easy as it sounds, and she facilitated the process..... she knew how I agonized over manuscripts and she let me be... she saw how I hated aging and she made it a game,... and when I just didn't know what to do or how to do it, she told me that my record was safe regardless of whether or not I ever did anything notable ever again. She made it easier to live the life I was dealt. She never thought of me as a fixture in her life, but of herself as some sort of trouble-shooting consultant in mine.

Damn, Marquis,....... you're right about that "longest post" thing,....... whew.

 

[rhiannon]

If I'm the problem and I don't become aware of it and fix it, then the cycle will repeat itself over and over again.

You know I love telling people that they are the problem, but I don't think you are here. 😉

Hell, you're in the middle of your career! You are in a phase that just makes you have different things on your mind than marrying and having kids - and you SHOULD have different things on your mind! Get through with your training first, get settled! Then you will be in a way better position to have kids and get married anyways!

If she doesn't respect that or doesn't want to wait for that, then it's not you she wants, then it's just a father for her baby.

Somewhere in this thread I read that you would rather go for the option to be together with her if she moved next door....definitely a sign to NOT get married!

 

[Barney Stubble]

My advice: You are teetering on the precipice of yet another ruined life and career. I won't pretend that I know what this girl is about, but it sounds an awful lot like the predictable "My biological clock is ticking!! That's what's important, here!"

As somebody else already said, you have one foot in the trap already. You need to extract it before the other foot gets caught as well. Whether that means cleverly figuring out how to open the trap or going coyote and gnawing your ankle through the bone depends on your own resourcefulness.

You're definitely not ready. If she wants to wait, fine. If not, let her find some milquetoast to fertilize her eggs and fulfil her dreams of suburban life.

Hope that wasn't too harsh, and best of luck to you!

 

[GQguy]

Some badass advice and life experiences in this thread. A myriad of stuff to make me think. I have a better idea of what the one looks like. I saw an ad the other day about a black air force astronaut colonel. Obviously a very successful individual. I want to be that guy. The "one" will propel me to that. I will propel my "one" to whatever goals she has.

Reading about your one's has been truly eyeopening. I realize that my standards aren't too high....they may not be high enough. I realize that I'm not "there" yet even though I want to be. My heart is in two different places and making a life time decision now is simply not the time. Is she the one? I don't know. I won't know definitively until after many years of successful marriage. Successful is a relative term that depends on the couple. For me successful is a traditional marriage with deployments and missions interspersed throughout our time together. Building each other up the entire time.

Anyway, thanks again for telling your stories. I wish you guys double the success that I wish for myself.

sincerely
GQ

 

[Oblesklk]

Fellas, how did you know? I'm with a decent enough girl, one of the best I've had but I'm not happy. She's ready for marriage and children and I'm ready to finish pilot training so I can start grad school. Disregard my short detailless account though. I want to hear about you guys. How did you know. How long have you been married.

Thanks
GQ

Been with her for 18 years, married for 8 of those.

How did I know? The moment I gave up a free ride to an Ivy League School so I could be with her without a moment's hesitation. I knew from that moment it was 'us' it was never a 'me'. That's when I knew...to gladly and without hesitation give up everything I never had to be where I belonged. It's many years later, and I have no regrets.

For you, it will be different.