When you're young, sometimes it seems even the tiniest things are gargantuan defining moments. There's always some deeper meaning, some lesson to be learned, but when I think of real defining moments two things come to mind.
Moving out of my house and into my school's dorm. I was really depressed for a long time and felt like I had abandoned my little sisters. They're only three years younger than me, but I feel responsible for them. Especially since my mom isn't exactly Joan Cleaver. I felt really guilty. I wanted to be there to hold their hand and protect them. Knowing that they were living life and out in the world without me, was absolutely terrifying. But in the end, I got over it, and it's brought us closer together.
Now that I'm home for the summer, I just look at them and know that no matter what they'll always be around and I can't count on every friend or boyfriend that comes along to be that. But I know 'the twins', although we fight sometimes, would drop everything if I needed them. And it's very comforting to know that.
What that taught me is that, it's easy to take someone for granted, easy to snap on them when you're aggravated because you think they'll always be there, day in, day out, and maybe they will but it's not something you can just assume. It's not something you can tell yourself, because life isn't guaranteed, and neither are friends or family, so I guess you just have to be that much more thankful for every moment you do get.
Another time was more recent. I hadn't seen my father much in my entire life, but it had been only twice since I was 5 that I had talked to him. I got a call from his sister in New York that he was in a hospital near me. He'd recently been homeless and an alcoholic all his life. He had stopped drinking in hopes of surgery for a hernia he had, but when you've been drinking as long as he has, it's not that simple. He had a huge seizure and hit his head. Luckily someone called an ambulance and rushed him to the hospital. He needed brain surgery to remove a blood clot on his brain, and I was the next-of-kin. I had to sign all the consent papers because he was so out of it.
For two weeks, every day, I'd wake up, get ready for school, and find myself on the train going to the hospital. I spent every day with him until his surgery. Sometimes not leaving until midnight or later. At first it was heartbreaking, but he came out of his confusion, and was the guy I'd always had good memories of. Smiling, laughing, the bluest eyes I'd ever seen. He was older, and that was shocking to see. It was such a contrast to what I'd remembered of him.
But at the time it happened, I was so stressed out with school and work and my mom and my little sisters and all kinds of things that when this happened, I had to make everything come to a screeching halt and I had a lot of thinking to do. It really put a lot of things into perspective for me. And I think, or at least hope, that it really made me grow up a little.
After this year, I realize life doesn't work itself out for you, if anything it does it's best to stomp all over everything you have, so (I hate cliches, but I'll use one this time) you really have to grab it by the horns, or the balls, or whichever part of the proverbial bull you think is most effective, and hang on tight. Don't take even the tiniest of things for granted and don't waste time on things that only bring you down.
Even if you live to be 100, life's too short.
<i>Fin</i>
I know you're been thru your own hell...
