Just another broken heart...

[Janus4385]

I have not posted in here for a very long time. A lot has happened to me in that lapse...

A lot has changed in my life, changed in regards to my job, in regards to my family, in regards to my friends, and specially in regards to my heart...

I fell in love with a girl, I really did, and I thought we were meant to be together, not because I believe in fate because I really don't, not because I thought a higher power sent her to me because I don't really believe that either, but because I fell in love with her and everything just felt right.

She is 3 and a half years older than me and she has a son, she used to be engaged to the child's father, but he treated her horribly, abused her both psychologically and physically(yes, he hit her).

Me? I offered her the world, I offered her a better life, I offered everything I have to give. I wanted to share everything with her, not only the light side of things but also share responsibilities and help relieve every one of her burdens... and she still went back, to him... She told me she needed some time to be alone, to solve her own things, and I was fine with it, obviously a bit sad because I could not be with her yet, but still I supported her and told her I would wait as long as my heart could go on. Never even thought of another possibility, never even thought of someone else.

How do I know she went back to him? Interesting thing, I found pictures of them kissing and comments from her saying she loves him on his "hi5" page, and this out of a very bad fluke, I went into her hi5 page and she has him a s a friend, so I noticed he had a pic of them together, so I thought, what the hell is this? Went in, and found that she lied to me, found that she used me, and found that my heart was nothing but a toy.

She tells me that it is not true, that she is not back with him, but I can't help but think that she was with him even while she was with me as things just start to fit when put into that perspective, all the things that happened just begin to make sense. I wish I could believe her, but I can't, not like this, my reason tells me she is a liar and a cheat, but my heart doesn't want to listen.

I really don't know what to do at this point, I'm torn apart and I miss her too much. She still texts me and tries to sweeten me up, sends me kisses and tries to say nice words, and it is killing me to know the things I know but still want to believe her and keep telling her I love her and want her back... I feel like an idiot for feeling this way...

I don't know, I just wanted to vent. And if anyone has some words of advise or comfort, they will be very well received :sad:

 

[Bashiku]

Murphy's law says... "Love is stupidity of the wise and wisdom of the stupid."
In this situation you couldn't know and it is very regrettable that you had to find out that way. If she is still with him that could mean a lot of things... I don't want to name them, cause none of it is very 'light'.
What you should do now is cool down from her for a few days, without any contact, and after that come back to the matter lightheaded. Then you will manage to solve the problem.

 

[Timewarp]

At least you got that far.

Seriously though, leave her.

 

[Janus4385]

Murphy's law says... "Love is stupidity of the wise and wisdom of the stupid."
In this situation you couldn't know and it is very regrettable that you had to find out that way. If she is still with him that could mean a lot of things... I don't want to name them, cause none of it is very 'light'.
What you should do now is cool down from her for a few days, without any contact, and after that come back to the matter lightheaded. Then you will manage to solve the problem.

I do hope I can start dealing with this and get over it, but even if I have no contact with her I just can't stop thinking about her... I know that part is now up to me, it is just very hard to deal with it.

Thanks for the reply man, I appreciate your words.

At least you got that far.

Seriously though, leave her.

Yeah, people keep saying things like that, just be glad for the good parts of what happened and move on, right? But is it too difficult to see the good in something when the bad part overwhelms you so much.

You are right, I should just leave her, hope I'm strong enough to pull through with it...

Thank you for the reply Timewarp.

 

[duck171]

I have seen this kind of thing happen before. The thing is that some women want a guy who treats them like crap, I don't know why but thats the way it is. I also wanted to ask if she knows that you know she is back with this jerk. If she doesn't know then you should confront her with it. Just my two cents.

 

[PurrBast]

Well, it sounds as though you are trying to excuse her behavior because of the amount of love and care that you hold for her. But I can say that breaking up with her as freshly as you have will not make it an easy task to get over her. Constantly you will be wanting to go back to her because all that enters your mind is the good things you have experienced together. And perhaps she felt very right for you, but it seems that the sentiments have not been returned.

I don't think you should be asking yourself what you did 'wrong', as I'm sure it wasn't really anything preventable. It seems as though a history with her ex is something she's not willing to erase. So you must either learn to live with the possibility of him constantly being in both of your lives (and possibly at any point her returning to him), or move on and live painfully for a while until you can see life with a clear head again and realize there are many people you can love that way out there.

He is probably giving her hope that he has changed or is a better person and she comes back thinking she might have more control while not realizing he has control the entire time. It's all rather unfortunate but no one can tell you what's best for you...but...you. Decide what you're willing to tolerate in your life and make a decision from there.

 

[Duke Diablo]

As some have stated above, some girls don't like men who 'give them the world', as you put it. They like... well, strong men, who sometimes just happen to be assholes (not all of them, though). And by strong men, I mean men who draw the line and say 'Whoa, baby, slow down!'
This woman seems to be one of those.
Now, about her and this guy, if you haven't already, you should confront her with the fact that you know the two of them are together. If she tries to deny it, tell her that you have proof (that's what confrontation is about, holding your ground even if things get ugly, until the matter is resolved). Breaking contact, even for a few days signals to her that you're strong and that you won't take no shit. If you keep crawling back to her, she won't learn to appreciate you, and will treat you like rubbish. I'm not saying it will be easy. It will be hell, especially since you seem like a really sensitive guy. But, it has to be done, in my opinion.

 

[little lanthi]

Speaking from maybe a different angle, I think you should let her be for a long while. If he has treated her badly, that is terrible, but she might go back to him several times before she finally maybe gets over him. I was treated badly myself ( I was not beaten, but he broke me down mentally ) and even if i knew, I thought that he was the one fo me, and that I could fight trough anything for him. It took many years before I finally got over him.
Low selfesteem is a dangerous thing.
So leave her alone for a while, don't let her problems be yours, and don't let her hurt you 🙂

 

[Janus4385]

I have seen this kind of thing happen before. The thing is that some women want a guy who treats them like crap, I don't know why but thats the way it is. I also wanted to ask if she knows that you know she is back with this jerk. If she doesn't know then you should confront her with it. Just my two cents.

I did confront her, I talked to her and told her what I felt, that I thought what she did was horrible. But for some reason she still texts me and sends talks to me like nothing happened... it's very confusing for me... And I know there are people who apparently like to be treated like crap, but I just never thought she was one of them.

Thanks for the reply man...

Well, it sounds as though you are trying to excuse her behavior because of the amount of love and care that you hold for her. But I can say that breaking up with her as freshly as you have will not make it an easy task to get over her. Constantly you will be wanting to go back to her because all that enters your mind is the good things you have experienced together. And perhaps she felt very right for you, but it seems that the sentiments have not been returned.

I don't think you should be asking yourself what you did 'wrong', as I'm sure it wasn't really anything preventable. It seems as though a history with her ex is something she's not willing to erase. So you must either learn to live with the possibility of him constantly being in both of your lives (and possibly at any point her returning to him), or move on and live painfully for a while until you can see life with a clear head again and realize there are many people you can love that way out there.

He is probably giving her hope that he has changed or is a better person and she comes back thinking she might have more control while not realizing he has control the entire time. It's all rather unfortunate but no one can tell you what's best for you...but...you. Decide what you're willing to tolerate in your life and make a decision from there.

Yes, I probably am, because I still have that stupid hope of her coming back to me. I don't really think I did anything wrong, except fall in love, as it seems to have been a bad choice now, but that doesn't really comfort me, as it doesn't change things. Never did I think she would go back to him, that's probably why it hit me so hard... Thank you for the words and the advice, you are right and I know it is my choice now, I hope I can make the right one and pull through.

As some have stated above, some girls don't like men who 'give them the world', as you put it. They like... well, strong men, who sometimes just happen to be assholes (not all of them, though). And by strong men, I mean men who draw the line and say 'Whoa, baby, slow down!'
This woman seems to be one of those.
Now, about her and this guy, if you haven't already, you should confront her with the fact that you know the two of them are together. If she tries to deny it, tell her that you have proof (that's what confrontation is about, holding your ground even if things get ugly, until the matter is resolved). Breaking contact, even for a few days signals to her that you're strong and that you won't take no shit. If you keep crawling back to her, she won't learn to appreciate you, and will treat you like rubbish. I'm not saying it will be easy. It will be hell, especially since you seem like a really sensitive guy. But, it has to be done, in my opinion.

Yes, and I used to be kinda like that, I was actually a very cold person, but I opened up to her, and it looks now like it was a mistake. I am trying to go back to it too, I did confront her and let her know what I felt and thought, I haven't talked to her or responded to her text messages since, I'm trying to give her kind of the cold shoulder, trying to find a way to deal with it. I'm still confused and not completely sure of what to do, I don't know what's worse, going back to her at the risk of being the idiot who goes into the same s#¡t to come out the same way as she appears to be doing with this other guy, or not being with her ever again. It's a scary thing really.

I can't really say if I am a sensitive guy, but I sure am for her, or at least that is what I became on the course of our relationship, and now, like I said, I'm trying to go back a bit to my old self.

Thanks for the response Duke, encouraging words are very well received.

Speaking from maybe a different angle, I think you should let her be for a long while. If he has treated her badly, that is terrible, but she might go back to him several times before she finally maybe gets over him. I was treated badly myself ( I was not beaten, but he broke me down mentally ) and even if i knew, I thought that he was the one fo me, and that I could fight trough anything for him. It took many years before I finally got over him.
Low selfesteem is a dangerous thing.
So leave her alone for a while, don't let her problems be yours, and don't let her hurt you 🙂

Yeah, I'm still trying to come to terms with myself and make my decision, not sure what to do. I did tell her that I would not try looking her up, so I do intend to stick to that and not go back to her. If she realizes what she is missing then she'll have to come back by herself, and I truly hope she does. Thanks, you speaking from experience gives me hope 🙂

 

[Sockstickler]

Well I don't know you that well, but from what I've seen from your posts, you're a cool dude (How can a person with Magus in his sig not be cool?) and you don't deserve to go through that kind of stuff. I think you're doing the right thing here. You told her how you feel, and now the ball's in her court. She has to really figure out what it is, and who it is, she wants. I've been in similar situations and that's really all you can do. I just hope it turns out well.

 

[duck171]

I agree with sockstickler that you don't deserve this. Just be a man and let her come to you. If she wants this jerk then she deserves him, you know. The ball is in your court and don't just let her skate back in without her knowing she hurt you.

 

[PurrBast]

I'm sure she already knows the hurt is there. She doesn't want to lose either person and wants to avoid confrontation so she's pretending nothing has happened. If you're looking to have her come back on her hands and knees, she might do it...but...it would speak volumes about you...and her.

 

[duck171]

I'm sure she already knows the hurt is there. She doesn't want to lose either person and wants to avoid confrontation so she's pretending nothing has happened. If you're looking to have her come back on her hands and knees, she might do it...but...it would speak volumes about you...and her.

I believe the term for that is "having your cake and eating it too".

 

[PurrBast]

Yes, exactly.

 

[Janus4385]

Well I don't know you that well, but from what I've seen from your posts, you're a cool dude (How can a person with Magus in his sig not be cool?) and you don't deserve to go through that kind of stuff. I think you're doing the right thing here. You told her how you feel, and now the ball's in her court. She has to really figure out what it is, and who it is, she wants. I've been in similar situations and that's really all you can do. I just hope it turns out well.

Thanks Socks. I knew from the beginning this would not be easy, but I never thought it would come to this. I really do hope things turn out well in the end...

I agree with sockstickler that you don't deserve this. Just be a man and let her come to you. If she wants this jerk then she deserves him, you know. The ball is in your court and don't just let her skate back in without her knowing she hurt you.

Yeah, I talked to her yesterday a little through IM, and I told her that, I told her that I would not make it easy on her in case she wanted to come back, and I also told her that even if I am hurt, I will not be anybody's toy, not even hers. I'm still trying to figure out what to do, she asked me to go somewhere with her on friday so we could talk... I know she is not going to ask me to go back to her, chances are she'll tell me that she wants us to be friends again, that she me to be a friend to her, but I can't, I know I can't, I can not go back to that, because of what she did, and most of all, because I know how much more we could be, so being friends could never be enough for me... and she does know she hurt me...

I'm sure she already knows the hurt is there. She doesn't want to lose either person and wants to avoid confrontation so she's pretending nothing has happened. If you're looking to have her come back on her hands and knees, she might do it...but...it would speak volumes about you...and her.

I don't want her to come back on her hands and knees, I want her to come back as the girl I fell in love with.

I think you are right when you say she wants to avoid confrontation, but I can't really tell what she wants, she still sends me text messages(yesterday and today she has as well), with things that are very confusing, she sends me kisses and calls me handsome, sends me flirty messages... I don't know what to make of them because I don't feel like she wants to come back to me, it is just really confusing. She asked me to go out with her on friday so we can talk, and I think I already know how that will go... as I wrote to duck17... I just feel frustrated.

I believe the term for that is "having your cake and eating it too".

Yes, and it scares the crap out of me to think that is what she wants...

 

[blackmagicjack1]

Simply put, you deserve to be treated with respect and it sounds like she isn't doing that.

If you need to talk to someone a little less publicly about this you can PM me.

 

[duck171]

Feel free to pm me as well. I have been through some bad break-ups and have learned how to deal with it and move on so.....

 

[David Tyler]

I'd meet with her on Friday. Reason? Because you can imagine what she MIGHT want to say to you but you'll never know until she actually says it.

Maybe she wants to apologize. Maybe she wants to explain why that guy has her pic on his site of them kissing.

You'll never know until you actually sit down with her.

And if it's what you think it is - a bid to stay friends - you can tell her just exactly how you feel about that and you'll be able to get closure.

 

[limbo123]

Janus....
this story you told to all of TT......
it hurts me to know that people in this community could get hurt....
if you know she did all those things the good confron her with your information and ask what this is.....
but those pics cpuld be old and the old boyfriend wants you out of the picture so he could take your girl....
never the less
you should talk to your girl friend and show her what you found
if you did ....i dont know what to say ....other that
try to do whats best for YOU
sorry if this does not you

 

[HOLLYWOOD]

the hollywood brother feels your hollywood brother pain and can dig what you is saying! The reality is that life is not always limo riding, jet flying, kiss stealing, wheeling dealing, hollywood brother style but it can be very hard and painful at times. The hollywood brother understand that better than most people due to hollywood brother expereinces over the life of the hollywood brother. In times of trouble the hollywood brother is reminded of the local hero from a jersey shore town known as Mr. springsteen. In one of the many tunes that this artist has penned there is a line that has always stood out for the hollywood brother. The line is "you learn to live with what you can't rise above" and it is very ture. The hollywood brother beileves this line to be off of the tunnel of love LP. The point of the line is that if you can not get over something then you live with it. The hollywood brother has experienced this firsthand and it is true. You may be in a dark and painful place but you got to keep moving on and going one with life.

This is the advice that is being passed on from the hollywood brother, just keep moving on and you will survive with the eye of the tiger in you brother. now can you smell what the hollywood brother is cooking?

 

[XaviarRkR]

Sometimes people don't know who or what they want in or out of life, however you want to phrase it.

I could speculate on what the score is with her and him forever, so I won't, because I would be planting thoughts in your head which isn't right.

I agree with whoever it was said that you should meet with her on friday, because the not knowing can be devastating.

 

[QueenBeeBeeMari]

I have not posted in here for a very long time. A lot has happened to me in that lapse...

A lot has changed in my life, changed in regards to my job, in regards to my family, in regards to my friends, and specially in regards to my heart...

I fell in love with a girl, I really did, and I thought we were meant to be together, not because I believe in fate because I really don't, not because I thought a higher power sent her to me because I don't really believe that either, but because I fell in love with her and everything just felt right.

She is 3 and a half years older than me and she has a son, she used to be engaged to the child's father, but he treated her horribly, abused her both psychologically and physically(yes, he hit her).

Me? I offered her the world, I offered her a better life, I offered everything I have to give. I wanted to share everything with her, not only the light side of things but also share responsibilities and help relieve every one of her burdens... and she still went back, to him... She told me she needed some time to be alone, to solve her own things, and I was fine with it, obviously a bit sad because I could not be with her yet, but still I supported her and told her I would wait as long as my heart could go on. Never even thought of another possibility, never even thought of someone else.

How do I know she went back to him? Interesting thing, I found pictures of them kissing and comments from her saying she loves him on his "hi5" page, and this out of a very bad fluke, I went into her hi5 page and she has him a s a friend, so I noticed he had a pic of them together, so I thought, what the hell is this? Went in, and found that she lied to me, found that she used me, and found that my heart was nothing but a toy.

She tells me that it is not true, that she is not back with him, but I can't help but think that she was with him even while she was with me as things just start to fit when put into that perspective, all the things that happened just begin to make sense. I wish I could believe her, but I can't, not like this, my reason tells me she is a liar and a cheat, but my heart doesn't want to listen.

I really don't know what to do at this point, I'm torn apart and I miss her too much. She still texts me and tries to sweeten me up, sends me kisses and tries to say nice words, and it is killing me to know the things I know but still want to believe her and keep telling her I love her and want her back... I feel like an idiot for feeling this way...

I don't know, I just wanted to vent. And if anyone has some words of advise or comfort, they will be very well received :sad:

Well maybe the pictures and comments were from another time when they were togethor and she did love him. She may still love him though because they had years togethor. There are many different types of love sweetie:you have friendship love,image love,family love,and last but not least bf,gf love. I suppose you can add the marriage love too but that can fit into bf,gf love. Now the point of that was she could love him in a different way. You also have to put in the fact that change is scary too so she could just be scard to settle down. Whatever is going on with her it all comes down to one thing do YOU want her back,can you stand to have your heart broken,are you willing to take the chance that she may just be using you as a safety net right now in case he starts hurting her again,are you willing to give everything and take the chance that you may receive nothing in return? If you can handle all that then go for it.Everyone deserves atleast 2 chances and some are generous and give three or four. It is up to the person as to how much they wish to put themselves through in order to possibly gain a partner for what could only be a few years because you have to remember you could go through a divorce. Remember the game of love is a very painful game but can be very rewarding if you win the game but the steaks are high and there is always the risk of losing and if you lose you get your heart broken. That's the way it is. I am sorry for your suffering and I hope you can eventually win in this cold,cold world.

 

[Janus4385]

Well, I can assure everyone that they are not old pictures, they are from his bd party, which was march 14th 2008. Comments in hi5 have the dates on them, and the "For my boo" with the bunch of hearts and all that was from march 13th 2008, the interesting comment in the picture which read "I luv u my big boy" was from march 19th 2008. So that kind of leaves that doubt out of the way.

I don't think the guy put the pictures there to push me away, because I don't think he even knows I was with her.

I will meet her tomorrow to see what she has to say, and even more so(since I'm pretty sure I know what she'll say) to have MY say and make things clear for her about where I stand. I refuse to be someone's safety net. I can't say what will happen exactly, and I am very afraid that I will give into something, but I need to prove to myself that I can hold my ground...

Tomorrow will be a hard day... I hope I can get through it...

 

[Janus4385]

Well maybe the pictures and comments were from another time when they were togethor and she did love him. She may still love him though because they had years togethor. There are many different types of love sweetie:you have friendship love,image love,family love,and last but not least bf,gf love. I suppose you can add the marriage love too but that can fit into bf,gf love. Now the point of that was she could love him in a different way. You also have to put in the fact that change is scary too so she could just be scard to settle down. Whatever is going on with her it all comes down to one thing do YOU want her back,can you stand to have your heart broken,are you willing to take the chance that she may just be using you as a safety net right now in case he starts hurting her again,are you willing to give everything and take the chance that you may receive nothing in return? If you can handle all that then go for it.Everyone deserves atleast 2 chances and some are generous and give three or four. It is up to the person as to how much they wish to put themselves through in order to possibly gain a partner for what could only be a few years because you have to remember you could go through a divorce. Remember the game of love is a very painful game but can be very rewarding if you win the game but the steaks are high and there is always the risk of losing and if you lose you get your heart broken. That's the way it is. I am sorry for your suffering and I hope you can eventually win in this cold,cold world.

They are not, they are recent...

I do want her back, but I want her back as I knew her, as the loving and great woman she proved to be, but now it looks like she is not the same person anymore... That is why I have told her that if she does want me back at some point, I will not make it easy for her either, and that she needs to prove certain things first. I don't mean that I would make her jump through hoops and make her crawl her way back, that is not what I want, but I need to know she is still the woman I love.

And I know that love is a game of chance, but it is also a game of effort, and you can't win if you don't play and if you don't try. Just like in poker, it takes skill, but it also takes some nerve to take the risk to see what the next card is, and you can't see that next card if you don't pay. You just might win. But cowards never win.

You can not go into something thinking you are going to lose, the possibility is there, and you'll always know it, but you have to know that what you want is something else, that you want to have it all, otherwise whats the point?

I am willing to risk everything, in fact, I already did, and continue to do it, that's why I'm in such pain and why my heart continues to break... I wish to heaven it were different, but that's how it is... I do hope I can win eventually and tell everyone here about it

Thank you for the reply and your good wishes 🙂

 

[XaviarRkR]

Then I will wish you good luck