Love hurts!

[Haltickling]

I confess: I'm hopelessly in love with a wonderful lady, although I know she'll never be mine! And why should she? Compared to her, I'm a terrible loser. She's everything what I used to be, but no longer am: Slim, good-looking, sporty, she has lots of friends and admirers, goes out with whomever she likes and when she likes; she has interesting hobbies and even makes her living with them. And worst of all: she's married.

Whereas I'm fat, lonely, divorced, have no real-life friends or real-life hobbies worth mentioning. In short: she has a life, whereas I have none.

And before you tell me to finally get a life myself: I can't. My health condition forbids me so many things I'd like to do. My loneliness prevents me from going out. Yep, right now I'm wallowing in self-pity, worse than ever.

I can't even confess my love to her, or I'll never get to see her again for sure. Although she promised to phone me either yesterday or today, she didn't. I'm on the verge of crying. Why in goddamn hell does love have to hurt so much?

Sorry to bother you, but I just had to get this off my soul somehow.

 

[Cosmo_ac]

i'm sorry to hear that Hal, it really sucks. I think i can appreciate how you feel, at least to some degree. I'm somewhat of a loner, and tend to be a bit of a shut in a well, so i can understant what it feels like to be lonely, particulerly when a boudt of depression hits. That can really knock me on my ass for a good portion of the day. On days like that, i just like to try and go to bed early cause i know i'll feel better the next day.

I don;t know enough about your situation to give too much advice. the internet is a big place though, and you'll be able to find plenty of people to chat with, myself included if you need to.

 

[Capnmad]

Sorry you're down, Hal. You've always seemed like a nice sort.

I'm not here to spout off any self-help prescription, but to offer a bit of... ...well, I'm not sure -- but I hope some simple kindness helps a little...

Time has a way of making folks fat, lonely, and divorced, friend. Metabolisms slow, hypothalamuses cease proper regulation of appetite and genetics catches up, friends move away, and statistics over time are often the enemy of marriage. But "fat, lonely and divorced" or any other assemblage of sad adjectives is hardly who you are.

She's a friend, she's married, and she's off-limits because of that. You know the wise path to keep her as your friend, and you're sticking to it. I think that's good. I'll hope you continue to take joy in the happiness your friendship offers, and find ways to pursue other happinesses that you may not be in the state of mind to see at the moment.

I hope also you'll take more time to appreciate better who you are and what you choose now, and the goodness in those things, rather than the labels that come to be attached to one as a result of life, society, circumstance, things that happened that you wouldn't have chosen to have happen, and the forward march of time (in short, all those things we no longer have power over).

I suspect the person within is of far more worth than those mere adjectives and your current state makes you feel, and that you are more than capable of finding greater happiness in the future and as better circumstances avail themselves.

Keep hopeful, Hal. We care.

 

[Babbles]

Sorry this is a bit repetitive...

Agree those terms are definitely too limiting, not nearly the whole picture -- From here I can see you're articulate/well-written, seem very pleasant and have contributed quite a lot to those who share your interests here, which was never required, so that at the very least adds up to *far more than a "loser."

Loneliness can be such a vicious cycle, especially when you're thrown in circumstances with someone you can't have,
see the person too often and therefore have difficulty distancing yourself (and gaining the motivation to go out and seek someone equally worthwhile who might be just as appealling, and might reciprocate....).
(I have "so been there," you have more company than you imagine here). 😱

Right now it seems like "the pits," but I'm guessing you've experienced this before, and you're probably indirectly aware that eventually the emotional pangs can/will fade (more easily if you can distance yourself from this woman a bit, not losing the friendship but giving yourself a bit more space).

The knowledge that the connection/friendship is intact is hopefully a bonus; though it's a frustrating connection, so not really beneficial to you,
and one you need to distance yourself from,
the awareness that you have preserved this person's friendship could also perhaps be an indirect source of some comfort until you find the right person (who's also available).

At the moment, yes, it (sucks) but "this too shall pass," and hopefully if you're able to get out (create interests or hobbies if you don't have them actively at the moment, hang out at museums, libraries -- book discussion groups are usually mostly populated by women, if you can deal with the reading material, or other local events -- planetariums, bookstores -- lectures, whereever you feel stimulated & comfortable)
-- you'll distract yourself and perhaps run into the "someone" you might be able to have a fulfilling relationship with...

And activity of ANY sort can only help you with your physical status... Maybe slowly but surely.. (I need to take my own advice there, just drinking much more water alone helps with weight, as well as walking...) 🙄

 

[Haltickling]

Thanks for your kind words, my friends. Normally, I'm not one to whine like this, but yesterday caught me in deep, deep misery. Today, I received a nice mail from my adored one, and I'm feeling much better already. It still bugs me that I need her so much, whereas I'm just another admirer to her. But I guess that's just the normal unfairness of life...

 

[Leo tickles]

What hurts is that you aren't good enough, when in reality, that's not the case at all.

Just because I joined in 2004 doesn't mean I don't know history. I look it up, about everything, not just people here. You contribute to this forum a lot, people like you here. Granted, people like me here, the whole two of them, because of text. Anybody can like text. But to some here, you are more than that. Those are the one's that matter.

Because of health issues and disability, you have more emotions to give. Anybody who does not want that don't deserve love in the first place.


You are letting one infatuation get you to realize that you aren't good for anything. It's not true. You are. And if for nothing more, then just so I can read your posts and enjoy your contributions.

Take this sadness and turn it into something beautiful. Realize that you have to give what women who have been screwed over by men left and right long for. Realize one will come. It can't rain forever.

 

[isabeau]

^ i like you Leo for what it's worth...

Hal if i could i would spank you for putting yourself down this way...how dare you??? you are definitely worth something...yours are one of the first stories i read here...and you always have something informative to contribute here...

it's ok to vent this way...i've sent you a pm..

you are something Hal...definitely a somebody ...

 

[kis123]

First of all, I'm glad you are feeling a little better.

Now for my take on the matter:

If I ever catch you beating up on yourself again, I might have no choice than to get on a plane and beat you myself!

First of all, you and I have had our share of run-ins, but that doesn't make any difference to me if you're hurting-I can drop my opinions and ego issues to help someone in need. So please do not see this as an attack, but as my feeble way of telling you that I am concerned for you.

I know how it is to love someone you shouldn't be loving. I further commend you for not crossing that line; I wish I could say the same for myself, but that's for another day! I know how it feels to be overweight. alone, and lonely. I was not dealt a good metabolic hand and I struggle with my weight. I'm at an age where metabolism and hormones aren't doing nice things to my body or my emotions. I struggle right now with emotional issues that would kill a lesser woman. And I struggle with depression-obviously you and I have more in common than you think.

I'm not going to let you get away with putting yourself down like you did in your OP; we don't always see eye-to-eye, but you've been one of my more formidable members. You are intelligent, articulate, witty, and can stand toe-to-toe with the best of them. Any woman should be happy to have you just the way you are without losing one ounce or changing your appeareance; I know you have a lot to offer.

The problem with depression is that it skews the truth; it's hard to see the positive when you feel like crap emotionally. I understand your pain in that area, trust me. Try to get out a little more just in the name of getting out of the house; fresh air never hurt anyone. If you're clinically depressed I suggest anything that'll take the edge off because you can't do it with willpower alone. If you had a tumor, you wouldn't try to remove it with a butter knife; you'd go to a specialist and get the treatment you need. This is no different; go get yourself some help and you'll feel much better.

As far as the love thing goes; you know you have to let her go. She's happily married and you have to learn to attach your heart to what is realistically attainable or you're going to cause yourself much more pain down the road. I wish the best for you and hope you feel better soon.

 

[Haltickling]

Wow, one lady wants to spank me, the other one threatens to beat me up! 😛

But seriously: Thank you very much for your honest concern! I really appreciate it!

My yesterday's depression had a ridiculous reason: The lady I love sent me an e-card which didn't make it through my spam filter. The whole mess has been cleared up in the meantime.

Just FYI: I'm not that self-depreciating normally. I know my positive sides, but also my weaknesses. Only during a severe bout of depression, I tend to forget my positive sides, but I guess that's quite normal.

Two real issues remain though: One is the awareness that I haven't got any real-life friends, no matter how many online friends I may have. Thus, I had to vent my very private troubles online, and you know what? I'm glad I did! Your posts showed me that I'm not completely useless.

The other issue is my hopeless love. I wish there were a switch with which I could turn off my feelings for her, but I can't find it. Actually, right now, I don't even want to find it. Better to have her as a mere friend than not to have her at all. I'll never overstep that certain line, because that would mean desaster for both of us. I can cope with my own unhappiness, but I could never forgive myself if I made her unhappy.

Eventually, this would make her husband unhappy, too, and I owe that man a lot, believe it or not. Without his tolerance, I wouldn't stand the slightest chance of ever being near to her. Please spare me the details, they're delicate enough. Besides, I know how a betrayed husband feels, from my very own experience. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Anyway, I'd like to thank you all for trying to restore my self-esteem, and for giving me solace in a time of dire need. I love you all!

 

[Bugman]

Only during a severe bout of depression, I tend to forget my positive sides, but I guess that's quite normal.

I'm a bit late jumping in here Hal,but i have to say been there done that myself.And i'm going to side with everybody else,you seem like a decent man to me.Consider getting some help if you have not done so.It does not mean you are weak or somehow a failure.Indeed its much easier to stay that way,the strong ones come to see they need some help in whatever form it might be.Best of luck to you my friend,my pm box is open to you if you feel the need.

 

[lespieds]

a bit off but anyways -
making good friends is not real easy. The important thing is to be outgoing and not afraid to talk to people.

Think of this - most people will not make a first move. So he who wants more friends will have to be the one to initiate it.

Just whenever you are out, try making small talk with people.

 

[Haltickling]

a bit off but anyways -
making good friends is not real easy. The important thing is to be outgoing and not afraid to talk to people.
...
Just whenever you are out, try making small talk with people.

Thanks for the advice, but being shy is not really my problem. In my job, I talk to 100-200 people per day in 6 languages, so when I finally get home after work around 9 pm, I'm quite happy to shut up, and I don't feel much like going out at all either.

I realize that this isn't really helpful for making friends, but I just love my job, too. After more than 5 years of unemployment at my age (around 50), this job saved my ass.

And somehow I feel somewhat uncomfortable in those bars and clubs, theaters or museums. I hate crowded places (partly due to my health problems). So I guess I'll have to stick to online friends after all...

Nevertheless thanks for your trying to help me, it's appreciated.

 

[steph]

Hi Hal~Sorry for not weighing in sooner on this. Sounds like you're doing better, I'm glad. And I'm with Kis on the "shame on you for this." To start, I seriously doubt anyone here would advise you to "get a life"~you're much too precious a commodity, too rarely visit and bring a "common sense" presence.

That said, I hope you work out whatever it is that's made you describe yourself the way you have. You deserve to feel better about yourself and to find someone who appreciates that.

Tell us what you like about yourself? Or, if that feels weird, write it down for just you. Do you know affirmations? Keep the list with you and read it often, at least until the somber mood passes. Sounds silly, I know but it'll keep you distracted and bring your focus back to the positive. When you force repetition, it has a funny way of forcing your mindset to shift as well. People do respond to what you put out there, yanno and it starts from within.

FWIW, I think you're being far too hard on yourself and I hope you can change that, ok? You'll feel much better when you do.
XOXO

 

[kis123]

Thanks for the advice, but being shy is not really my problem. In my job, I talk to 100-200 people per day in 6 languages, so when I finally get home after work around 9 pm, I'm quite happy to shut up, and I don't feel much like going out at all either.

I realize that this isn't really helpful for making friends, but I just love my job, too. After more than 5 years of unemployment at my age (around 50), this job saved my ass.

And somehow I feel somewhat uncomfortable in those bars and clubs, theaters or museums. I hate crowded places (partly due to my health problems). So I guess I'll have to stick to online friends after all...

Nevertheless thanks for your trying to help me, it's appreciated.

Oh my goodness, we do have much in common!

I'm in sales and customer service, so that means I get to speak with a lot of folks. I also deal with excecutives as well so I have to be "on" for 8 hours/day. By the time I go home, I want to take my phone, yank it out the wall, and throw it onto the interstate!

Getting out just for the sake of getting out is a healthy thing. I hate large crowds too so think about the park or going to the nearby lake or marina. Something about large bodies of water does it for me. That's where I find my peace; I hope you find the place that allows you peace as well. I promise you that if you step out of your house for just a few minutes a day, you'll begin to feel better and your head will begin to clear. You'll begin to own your thoughts and start feeling more like yourself. Nothing replaces professional help or even medication; no shame in that at all.

Please take care of yourself; you deserve better than you allow yourself.

 

[Haltickling]

Thanks for your valuable advice, Steph and kis, I'll try to heed it.

That "affirmative" list is a very good idea, Steph. Strange that I didn't think of it myself, having preached similar methods in management motivation seminars myself, years ago.

The "leave the house" advice is also a very good idea, kis. I'll resume my former habit of an evening stroll again. In fact, I already started to do so yesterday, overcoming my lethargy.

I agree that professional help is valuable, too. However, I've already had my share of experience with therapists when I lost my job 6 years ago. Having been a true workoholic, this threw me into really heavy depressions; it felt like "cold turkey" to a junkie. But as none of the therapists (I had 3 of them in a row) was able to cure the reason for my depressions (unemployment), they gave up.

Most anti-depressants also have the nasty by-effect of increasing your weight, which could have been fatal for my heart. And besides, I know too much about the therapy mechanisms myself to really react positively to them. It's a bit like the attempt to tickle yourself: If you steer the movements, it doesn't work.

Anyhow, your help means a lot to me. Thanks from the bottom of my heart!

 

[steph]

Oh, you're welcome babe~It's what I'm here for.

I KNEW you'd know what I was talking about. (Spent sometime on the motivational circuit myself...) It's so much easier to see things clearer when we're on the outside, I know, probably why it slipped your mind. So, you already know, they really do work if you work 'em.

The walk idea is a great one too--you'll feel better about yourself, you'll look better, it gives ya time to clear the cobwebs and appreciate the beauty that's all around you. Concentrate on centering yourself now, finding balance and you'll be just great~inside you always were. No one that can take that away from you.

FWIW, the fact that you speak 6 languages is AMAZING. I can't imagine YOU ever being lonely~Your opportunities to meet people based on that alone are limitless!

So go kick some ass like we know you can, make me proud and check back in ok?
XOXO

Thanks for your valuable advice, Steph and kis, I'll try to heed it.

That "affirmative" list is a very good idea, Steph. Strange that I didn't think of it myself, having preached similar methods in management motivation seminars myself, years ago.

The "leave the house" advice is also a very good idea, kis. I'll resume my former habit of an evening stroll again. In fact, I already started to do so yesterday, overcoming my lethargy.

Anyhow, your help means a lot to me. Thanks from the bottom of my heart!

 

[locker669]

You are what you think you are.

If you asked someone to describe themselves and they said "I'm fat, lonely, divorced, have no real-life friends or real-life hobbies worth mentioning" what kind of impression would that give you? Would you want to hang around with that person?

 

[BigJim]

Oh Hal, you dozy boxheaded bugger! ( I still display the charm and diplomacy for which I am famous, you see? ) I wish I'd seen this thread when you posted it mate, I really do.

Still, there's not much I could've contributed that the others haven't and they've done so more effectively than I ever would anyway. Just to say I know your feelings well, and given a few years I'll probably be going down the same path you are, mein freund.

Glad you heard from the lady in question. Keep your chin up, to use a horrible, hackneyed English platitude, and keep posting.

See you around. 🙂

 

[Johnny Ticklish]

You seem to have it pretty well together to me. Hell, we all have bad days. It's great to be able to find support among friends. Besides you never know what life will throw in your lap one day. I hope it's something good.

 

[Haltickling]

Again, my heartfelt thanks for your contributions. Today, I don't even know the meaning of depression. The lady of my heart has phoned me several times in the meantime, and she even gave me a birthday present for which everybody here would envy me.

I was so down because she had promised to phone me on my birthday. But something got in her way, so she sent me an e-card, which got swallowed by my spam filter. I received so many nice birthday greetings from online people, but nothing at all from the one person I care for the most. And I had nobody to talk to in the real world, which brought me to the conclusion what loser I must be.

Sorry for having bothered you with my depressive self-pity. In the meantime, I can really appreciate again to talk to my online friends. I was overwhelmed by your positive reactions.

 

[BigJim]

Just keep kicking in there Hal, we believe in ya. 😉

 

[steph]

Then maybe you can't see what WE see.
(and NO apology needed!)
XOXO

I was overwhelmed by your positive reactions.