My fiance of three years caught me tickling at ex's feet. I need help / advice

[MrTicklefeet]

We've seen these here before. I agree with those suggesting to move on. I was in a relationship like this for a number of years. 10 years, and though most of it was fun, the tickling fetish started to grow and demand attention. It wasn't going to be met, and even the foot fetish stuff got in the way. First time I licked her foot, she over reacted and said that was gross.

There'd be them nights, me sitting in the rocker, with her sprawled out on the couch with her big size 12 feet propped up at the end, those soles tormenting me. I could only look and not get involved. That's no way to live, and that affected the sex life as well. Then she was convinced I was having an affair somewhere, but there was nothing I could say to stop thee accusations. I recently had a girlfriend who use to love to prop her bare feet up, soles out to me to lure me closer to them. This is the making of a happier life. Of course, other issues derailed that relationship, but it was so much nicer.

To thine own self be true. I'd vote for moving on. Disconnecting something from your sexuality for her is cheating yourself.

 

[Aeveirra]

Wow... This was truly intense.
You need to relive that it is a part of who you are, and "therapy" will not change that.
Some People on this site have criticized me do this, but after much research I have found out some incredible things about tickling fetishism, primarily how psychologically powerful it is for many of us. I will not go into detail now, but the point is according to my findings tickling is not a "normal kink",
It actually appears to be linked to sexual orientation. Meaning, it is interwoven into sexuality.
This is the reason why it is impossible for some of to control such urges sometimes.
To be completely fair, I consider tickling to be a very intimate thing, and I think what you did was, essentially "cheating".
I am not going to lie, because if I were her, that's how I would feel.

But I feel like you are also letting your fiancé control your life too much.
I mean, your ex gf must have been heartbroken when you said you "can't talk to her". And that's just the thing, you CAN talk to her - at least as friends. Deleting Facebook friends sounds very impersonal...
But if your going to have a wife who tells you who you can talk to, and she can't accept that you have a thing for tickling....
Sorry, I really don't see how it can work out.

Also, YOU alone, do not need therapy. If you want to stay with her, I suggest going to "couples therapy". Both of you need to work on stuff, primarily communication, and understanding.

I'm sorry that this happened to you, but as I said, tickling is not a normal kink. It's not something that can be substituted, repressed, or changed.
People in your situation may be happier dating someone who has the same fetish/ interests.
Just think this over : Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with your fiancé? I imagine it's not an easy decision.
Just remember, Your needs and desires matter too.

 

[Darkknight]

This hit the nail on the head! If you're not getting what you want at home you will always be tempted to find it somewhere else whether you intend to or not. You've already found this out with your ex g/f. Your marriage, should you go through with it, will be a sham.

I agree with this. I almost made that mistake many years ago. Your fetish is not an illness or problem, it's marrying someone that will never fulfill your desires. This will be a never ending cycle, don't try to fool yourself.

 

[rdhd]

Okay, Ill chime in, for what it's worth. I kinda agree with most, that you should probably cut the relationship and move on - it's better now than later (after marriage). Having said that, my wife knows I'm into tickling, and I know she isn't. Been married 36 years.... Granted, I haven't had exes that liked to be tickled; hell, back in those days it was a little-known thing. So, maybe it could work, but as long as that ex-GF is in the picture, you be toast, therapy or no.

 

[Libertine]

"Are you troubled by thoughts of perverse sexuality?"
"No, Doctor. Truthfully speaking, I enjoy them."


Find someone else who enjoys what you do. They're out there. I married one.

And in retrospect the shopping around was quite fun.

 

[Sensualswitch10]

I'm surprised this hasn't been brought up, but...
You said in the OP that after things ended with the ex who actually liked being tickled, you took yourself out of the dating pool for a while. Then you found "the woman of your dreams". Do you feel like you gave other women the chance to be "the one" or did you start dating someone after a long hiatus and go directly to head over heels mode? That has happened to me and after a relationship that I thought was perfect would end, the next girl would seem even better.

Also, you said that things ended with your ex because of personal and health issues. Maybe it's because today was Sunday funday for me, but, would it be possible to make it work with the ex or at least be friends with (tickle)benefits?

 

[sonnymadler]

I have to agree with most of what's been said. A healthy marriage is not one that is seen by others as you two being 'perfect for each other'. It's about the both of you making each other happy and accepting each other's traits AND flaws. Love, understanding, tolerance etc. I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship, in which my partner would dictate me on what to do or not to do, who to talk to and who to avoid, just for her own benefit. Your tickle fetish is a part of who you are, you can't change it through therapy. So as hard as it may be for you to hear this, perhaps you really do need to move on.

As a side note, I'd just like to add that you really shouldn't shut your ex out of your life like you did. When someone has personal issues going on in their life (mental or not), they need someone to reach out to, to talk to. Somebody who'd listen to them and let them cry on their shoulder. Hell, just plain talking would do. And when the distressed person doesn't have anybody to turn to, they become increasingly hopeless, depressed and, if worse comes to worst, suicidal. Loneliness can be crippling; I know from personal experience.

So my advice to you is: reconsider your chances of a happy marriage with your fiance, and don't shut your ex out, especially when she's in a fragile state of mind. I hope it works out for you in the long run 🙂

 

[Flatfoot]

Wow! There's not much that I can add. Many here have provided good insight. I don't wanna beat a dead horse. However, I wanna touch on three points.

First, even if the therapist you've scheduled with specializes in sexual dysfunction, you should find out if he or she is kink - friendly/kink - aware. The last thing you need is a medical professional beating you up more than you already have, yourself.

Second, I will echo that it looks like your fiancée is not finished, and is willing to give you another shot. However, from the phrasing, it sounds more like she's willing to risk 'settling', and I'm afraid you are, as well. No matter how much planning has gone into this wedding, don't cover the severed arm with a band aid, just to not halt everything. This is not a quick fix issue. I imagine your therapist will likely discourage progressing with marriage until you both know you love each other and are both willing to make sacrifices to make it work. However, I'll echo others that you shouldn't try to justify it as the perfect woman who's just lacking 'this one important thing'. It WILL lead to resentment down the road, and if you both get heated and alienated enough, she could potentially use it to embarrass you/have family turn on you, etc. Right now, with the wedding issues, I don't think she knows how to cope with it, and probably hasn't dimed you out to anyone (beyond maybe telling Mom 'he's a cheating asshole'.--Not that I'M saying that!). Don't rush back together. I know having your world flipped upside down and losing someone's mere presence in your daily life is devastating (seeing gaps in the living room from missing furniture, constantly reminding you, etc.), but do your damnedest to look at this objectively for the long term. As others have said, you BOTH need to see the therapist, because it takes two to tango.

Finally, I think you need to cut your ex out of your life, completely. Regardless of whatever health problems she's experiencing, I know it sounds awful, but I'm willing to bet she will use that to be a victim to get in your good graces. This woman exploited your fetish to buy your attention, despite knowing that you were in a committed relationship. No matter how nice or vulnerable she may seem, she crossed a boundary, as well. I'm not saying you're NOT at fault, but allowing her to stick around is not going to help matters. I know that may sound cruel, but sometimes, when your happiness and wellbeing is on the line, you can't let other people make their problems become your problems.

 

[sonnymadler]

Finally, I think you need to cut your ex out of your life, completely. Regardless of whatever health problems she's experiencing, I know it sounds awful, but I'm willing to bet she will use that to be a victim to get in your good graces. This woman exploited your fetish to buy your attention, despite knowing that you were in a committed relationship. No matter how nice or vulnerable she may seem, she crossed a boundary, as well. I'm not saying you're NOT at fault, but allowing her to stick around is not going to help matters. I know that may sound cruel, but sometimes, when your happiness and wellbeing is on the line, you can't let other people make their problems become your problems.

That's true actually, she may have exploited him. But then again, she may have not. What do we know? Maybe his tickling urge just got the better of him each time, which sounds more like the case, and she casually let him do it. Regardless, mentally fragile people should not be completely isolated. It's just too cruel and inhumane, unless you can read through people and their lies like an open book. And at least in the case of the ex, the good samaritan should talk to them and discuss how to keep in touch on a platonic level without harming future relationships. It's easier to sleep on someone's lie than carry someone's personal issues (especially someone close to you) on your conscience when you failed to help them.

 

[Oddjob0226]

Dan Savage has brought something like this up before, and you are both (you and your finance) somewhat in the wrong.

Does your finance know and accept that you are into tickling? She has no problem there with that “addition”? Yes?

Does she know and accept that you like all sorts of things about her, not just the tickling? Does she know that you like the “whole package” about her and that is why you want to marry her? Yes?

Do you like women in general? Do you like women’s round, beautiful firm, breasts? Yes?

Does your fiancé think that you are unattracted to women in general and you are only into her round beautiful, firm breast because hers are usually magnetic and super attractive?

Why is she this narrow, self-focused, and unrealistic to think that?





What you need to understand is there are certain rules in any relationship, with or without a fetish being involved. If you do something sexy with your mate you shouldn’t do that with other women. Be clear about it to those that tempt you, and avoid as much as any human can the temptation to get involved in that kind of play with another woman.

What your fiancé needs to understand is that you don’t like tickling her; you like tickling. You did before she came along. She knew that when she got into the relationship with you and that interest is not going to go away – nor is it her place to demand an ultimatum that it does.

She needs to understand that you strayed (and with an ex-! OMG, y'all) but did not cheat. She needs to get that you feel bad about it, but there is nothing super special about her feet that no other woman have - you like tickling her MORE, of course, and you like being with her MORE than anyone else, but she holds no magical key in her ticklishness. If she caught you at a strip club touching a woman’s breasts would she call you out on having an addiction? No - you have an attraction. And your actions would still be questionable.

She just knows there is this weird, shadowy fetish thing going on with the tickling and therefore thinks she can use that as pulling the “that’s abnormal” card when you get caught with another woman enjoying a quirk that has always been there for you.

So, you strayed, and she is being manipulative while also purposefully remaining unrealistic about your interests. Just replace ‘tits’ with ‘tickling’ and you will see.

Now, that doesn’t mean that because you are in a relationship and you have always liked tits that you can go out and touch them in a moment of weakness and all is cool. You did wrong.

But if the relationship is as amazing and special as she thinks it is then she also needs to get that you like tits, and you’ve given in to going to some strip clubs for tits, but that isn’t the same thing as taking a lover on the side or cheating. She needs to be grounded in what she is arguing about in your trespass.

So, in the end, this is something you both need to work on, and you both need to figure out where the relationship will go, and what the clearer boundaries are. Her demanding that you “get help for your tit problem” is selfish and unrealistic on her part, but at an emotional level, understandable. You two need to do this. Both of you - not just you - need to figure the issue. Couples counselling might be valuable in this case.

But your interest isn’t going to disappear, there is nothing special about her tickle-attractiveness, and she needs to get that. You did wrong in the relationship but she is pushing back unrealistically far.

 

[Sterling]

It's not very good for yourself to be calling yourself an idiot, and to be beating yourself up over this too much. Honestly? Here's what I've just read:

You have a tickle fetish, great! Like anyone of us you find healthy ways to "relieve" yourself when you have urges. Great! So you like to tickle your friends. Awesome! I can't see anything wrong with that. I mean, as long as they aren't berating you, or mistreating you because of it. I mean it sounds like you're still friends with your ex. Again, I can't see anything wrong with that. But your "fiance?" She sounds a tad jealous. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything with her other than "tickling," right? Girlfriends go through our phones man. It's what they do. Not to piss anyone off, but hey! It's true.

I digress... It sounds like your ex is reaching out to you for support. If her health problems are really as bad as they sound, then you're doing the right thing by talking to her. Being there for her. Comforting her. You sound like a good person man. Maybe try explaining this to your fiance. When you lay your hands on someone else besides her, and she finds out about it; she's going to be jealous. "Why should he want to do that if he has me?" That's the question she's asking herself. Because she knows this is a sexual thing for you as well. I've been here before man. He leaving the pictures out with shitty notes? Nah. Fuck that. Even though we all have tickle fetishes here; that's not cool. It's not okay.

 

[robmic]

Eating disorder to the point that it's severely affecting her health. Heart issues, kidney issues. Hair loss.

Oh God! I know all about that! My step daughter went through that some years ago. She didn't get quite that bad, but close. I hope she is getting serious help for it. If she is, you might want to give her another chance, if for nothing else, to give her the support she needs. But only consider this if she is getting professional help and sticking to what she needs to be doing for it. But, you probably know more about where she is than me, so you know what you should or shouldn't do with her.

 

[yhola]

Alright, so I haven't posted much but this situation rings more true to me more than most things do.

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 5 years now, and the plan is to marry her. She doesn't have a tickling fetish, though she does occasionally indulge mine. I too, however, have resorted to my "safe place" as you call it, and she accepts that. I can tell that it hurts her, though. She totally accepts my fetish, and sometimes (when I don't overdo it) thinks its cute, and says she loves me, but some part of me feels the disconnect because of the fetish.

She doesn't get aroused, at all, by tickling and I'm not able to go as far with her as I would be with someone who is into it. As a result, I have resorted to my "safe place" fairly often in our relationship but am finding that it is not enough. I need the personal, human connection, I think, of someone who is truly into it. At least, I feel like I need to know what that's like. I've never had that before - someone truly give in to me.

Because of this need, I finally responded to a personal on here and have been chatting with a 'lee for some time now. The thing is, though, and I think this is key, the night after I sent her a message, I told my girlfriend about it. The good thing about us is we're brutally honest with each other, especially me with her (or at least I try to be). That might not always be a good thing but in this case, I think it's helped.

When I asked her if she would be comfortable with me tickling someone else, obviously she was against it. As someone aptly put, because it is sexual for me, it's similar to some other dude having sex with her. By the same token, it's dissimilar because she has no fetish (that she's disclosed or discovered yet) that I need to indulge her in that doesn't do anything for me.

I was able to convince her, slightly, that it is something worth pursuing - just meeting this 'lee and talking to her and maybe trying out a tickling experience with a willing and excited 'lee - but if I'm doing that does that mean that our relationship is through? I don't know.

If we click in nearly every way except that, isn't that good enough? Like countless people pointed out, marriage takes work and no couple is perfect. Because of our open dialogue, I am able to tell my girlfriend that I'm feeling frustrated about not having a tickle partner with whom to share my fetish.

I find myself in a very similar situation to you, only before the tipping point. I feel as if, if I am not careful, I could end up exactly where you are now. Sometimes, though, I think that may not be such a bad thing - maybe I'd be happier (definitely more happy sexually) with someone else - but everything else in the relationship works so well.

Here is my advice:

1. Try to be honest with her and talk to her about your frustration and your urge - maybe y'all can come up with something that works for both of you, especially if you and her click on almost every other level.

2. Be careful in taking advice on the forum. In my opinion, there is plenty of good advice, but this is a big decision and it would be a shame to be swayed too far one way or another as a result of something someone said on the internet.

Best of luck, and I hope you find what you're looking for. Again, I feel as if I am in your shoes, but just a little behind you in time.

 

[Fink]

I'm not belittling your ex's health issues but to me she's after more than a good listener if she's tempting you with pedicures & submissive behaviour when she knows you're engaged to be married? To me that's definitely someone who needs to be cut out of your life & she has no concern for your happiness whatsoever (apart from some quick temporary sexual gratification). But you were stupid enough to take the bait & this has hurt your fiancé.

Before you start this therapy nonsense I think you need to sit down with her & talk about your fetish & what role (if any) it's going to have in your relationship going forward. This won't be easy but it'll give you a much better picture of what to do. If it's a case where she wants nothing to do with it (which I think you've made worse by tickling your ex) then it could be difficult to matain a strong relationship. Not impossible, but difficult. Good luck.

 

[S1]

I'm not belittling your ex's health issues but to me she's after more than a good listener if she's tempting you with pedicures & submissive behaviour when she knows you're engaged to be married? To me that's definitely someone who needs to be cut out of your life & she has no concern for your happiness whatsoever (apart from some quick temporary sexual gratification). But you were stupid enough to take the bait & this has hurt your fiancé.

Before you start this therapy nonsense I think you need to sit down with her & talk about your fetish & what role (if any) it's going to have in your relationship going forward. This won't be easy but it'll give you a much better picture of what to do. If it's a case where she wants nothing to do with it (which I think you've made worse by tickling your ex) then it could be difficult to matain a strong relationship. Not impossible, but difficult. Good luck.

That's true actually, she may have exploited him. But then again, she may have not. What do we know? Maybe his tickling urge just got the better of him each time, which sounds more like the case, and she casually let him do it. Regardless, mentally fragile people should not be completely isolated. It's just too cruel and inhumane, unless you can read through people and their lies like an open book. And at least in the case of the ex, the good samaritan should talk to them and discuss how to keep in touch on a platonic level without harming future relationships. It's easier to sleep on someone's lie than carry someone's personal issues (especially someone close to you) on your conscience when you failed to help them.

I respect your concern for the ex, but an ex that isn't trying to exploit his fetish wouldn't come over to show off her pedicure. The issue is that this can't be platonic, and attempting to make it so will lead to more trouble for all involved.

 

[DontAskJusTckle]

Dude, it sucks big time. I always counsel young people with a tickle fetish to not disclose that fetish to their partner. Keep all the sex and romance within your number one relationship and get your tickling fix elsewhere. Why? To avoid something like this. Once you place tickling in the realm of sexual activity in the mind of your partner, she's going to look at any extra-marital tickling as adultry, cheating, etc.

Outside of this forum, the vast majority of people don't regard tickling as a sexual activity. In truth, it isn't. What this means is that a man or woman who is married or engaged can tickle and be tickled outside of the relationship with his or her fidelity completely intact. But here's the kicker. The tickling you DO get outside of the relationship must be completely without sex or romance. Forget bondage, nudity, forced orgasms, etc. If you're a ler, try to find a tickle "buddy." If you're a lee, you can get tickled by pedicurists and masseuses all you like.

I know this is small comfort in your current situation. I'm hoping this will be of benefit to you in future relationships and to others as well.