Official TT Jokes Thread - Read and Post your Jokes Here!

[Low_Roads]

On a cross-country flight, a lady from Texas wound up seated next to a lady from New York.

"Where ya'll from?" the Texan drawled in a neighborly way.

The society matron sniffed and looked down her nose at her neighbor.

"In the community from which I come, one does not end a sentence with a preposition."

"Walllll, please 'scuse me!" the Texan responded amiably. " I'll try that agin. Where y'all from... bitch?"

 

[TKLVR181]

On a cross-country flight, a lady from Texas wound up seated next to a lady from New York.

"Where ya'll from?" the Texan drawled in a neighborly way.

The society matron sniffed and looked down her nose at her neighbor.

"In the community from which I come, one does not end a sentence with a preposition."

"Walllll, please 'scuse me!" the Texan responded amiably. " I'll try that agin. Where y'all from... bitch?"

Before I moved to the city, my accent used to sound slightly scaled-down from this. As such, that joke made me laugh xD Thanks LBH as always for your awesome jokes!

~K

 

[Low_Roads]

My pleasure, Karen! So pleased you enjoyed! Thanks so much for your very kind compliments and your as-always colorful commentary!

 

[Low_Roads]

Little Red Riding Hood is making her way through the woods, when she chances to spy the Big Bad Wolf.

"I see you there," cries Red, "hiding behind that tree!"

The wolf is entirely flustered and leaves in a huff. Red continues on her way.

But after several minutes, she spots the wolf again.

"I see you there," cries Red, "hiding behind that rock!"

The wolf is now double-flustered, and beats a hasty retreat.

Red resumes her travels; soon, though, she spots him a third time.

"I see you there," cries Red, "hiding behind that bush!"

"Will you fer chris'sake give me some privacy!" the Big Bad Wolf wails. "I've been tryin' to take a dump for the last twenty minutes!"

 

[Low_Roads]

A woman gets on the bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "Lady, you better sit in the rear. That ugly child of yours will scare the other passengers."

The women heads toward the back, fuming.

She says to a fellow rider, "That damn driver just insulted me!"

"You better tell him off, then," the man replies. "Go ahead... I'll watch your monkey."

 

[Low_Roads]

A husband and wife are shopping in the market. He sees a 12-pack of beer on sale for $10.00 and puts it in the cart.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" the wife scowls. "You know we're on a budget. Put it back."

A couple of minutes later, they pass a display of beauty cream on sale for $20.00. The wife picks up a jar and places it in the cart.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" the husband sighs, annoyed.

"You think this is for me, don't you?" the wife observes . "Well, it's actually for you. This cream keeps my skin fresh and lovely. I use it so I can look sexy for you."

The husband considers and replies, "The damn beer does exactly the same thing and it costs half as much!"

 

[Low_Roads]

Dentists make their living off people with lousy teeth. Why would I ever use the toothpaste they recommend?

* * *​

Doesn't it bother you that doctors call what they do "a practice"?

* * *​

Papa lion: Hope we're having something special for dinner tonight!

Mama lion: Well... there's loads of leftover hoofs 'n' horns.

Papa lion: (moaning) Again? That's old gnus!

* * *​

If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer joined forces, would that make them alloys?

* * *​

I'm so damn contrary, I prefer to skate on the other side of the ice.

* * *​

My brother's pet, Prince, was run over last week, so I figured I'd surprise him by buying him an exactly identical hound. Instead of being pleased, he was furious, demanding:

"Now what the hell am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

* * *​

I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless man yesterday.

But the damned bastard wouldn't let go.

* * *​

Shouldn't crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

* * *​

If a man is in the middle of a forest speaking and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

* * *​

From an insane asylum:

"Everyone bow down before me! I'm the emperor Napoleon!"

"You egomaniac! What makes you think you're Napoleon?"

"God told me so."

"I did not!"

 

[Low_Roads]

Dilbert is a royal screwup. He has trouble finding work, but at last gets himself a job with Ma Bell installing phone poles.

The foreman stops by to check on his work, asking, "Okay buddy, how many did you sink this morning?"

Dilbert straightens up and proudly proclaims, "Two!"

"Two poles?!!" the foreman bellows. "Only two?! The rest of the crew did 15 apiece!"

"Sure," replies Dilbert, "but they aren't as thorough as me. Look how much they left sticking out of the ground!"

 

[Low_Roads]

Ever hear the story of Claude, the celebrated stage hypnotist? It's said that no one ever exerted more complete mesmeric control over his subjects than he did.

It was the crowning night of Claude's professional life. An audience of 5,000 crowded into a massive auditorium to see him perform. First, Claude produced a fabulously ornate golden watch from his vest pocket and dangled it before the patrons.

"Regard this bauble!" he orated. "Beautiful, is it not? Well it should be... over 200 years old, built at a time when master craftsmen really understood the watchmaking art! Absolutely unique, it has been in my family for generations, handed down from father to son as a peerless heirloom. Those who concentrate their attention on it cannot fail to be hypnotized, however stubbornly they may resist."

Claude then went on to address his claim with the aid of various volunteers. By employing the fabled timepiece, grown men were drawn instantly under his spell, barking like dogs at his command. Austere women abandoned their dignity, clucking like hens and squatting down to deliver imaginary eggs.

After half an hour of such diversions, Claude turned to confront the house.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I now offer you all an opportunity to experience the wonders of mesmerism for yourselves. Any who dare to, gaze deeply at my golden watch!" And he hefted it high for everyone to see.

10,000 eyes riveted on the mythical instrument. Not a single soul looked away. When Claude saw that he was in complete control, he spoke to them once again.

"I order each and every one of you to rise to your feet!" he thundered.

5,000 people stood in unison.

"Lift up your right hand!"

5,000 arms went up as one.

"Lower your right hand!"

5,000 arms complied without hesitation.

"Lift up your left leg!"

5,000 feet left the auditorium floor.

Claude smirked satanically, drunk with power at his absolute command.

But alas! The antique watch chain which had served so faithfully for so long had developed a fatal weakness in one of its links. It snapped, and with sickening inevitability the irreplaceable golden watch plummeted to the stage floor, striking and shattering into a thousand pieces.

"Fuck! Shit!" Claude shrieked in anguish.

... and that, of course, was the final performance of Claude's career.

 

[Low_Roads]

A man walks into a library.

"I'd like one large pepperoni pizza, please."

The librarian turns to him, annoyed.

"Sir, you happen to be in a library."

The man blushes with embarrassment.

"Oh, sorry!" he replies. "I'd like one large pepperoni pizza, please."

 

[general zod1]

This is a true story of Artie Whiskey frontier golfer
Artie Whiskey was a man who liked to play 18 holes of golf every afternoon One day he wasn't feeling right,so he went home When he came home their was another car in the driveway He went inside and heard noises from upstairs
He went upstairs and found his best friend having sex with his wife He grabbed his friend by the neck and dragged him out to the garage He then put his friends penis in a vise
Artie his friend cried out Your not gonna cut my manhood off are you ? No Artie replied You are I'm gonna set the garage on fire

Another one One day a man walks into his doctor's office Doctor the man said Every time I look into the mirror I find myself getting sexually turned on Can you explain this?
The doctor looks at him and says Well that's because you look like a pussy

 

[Low_Roads]

My beloved TTC, back up and running!!! And has been so for nearly a month! Man, I wish I'd checked in sooner!

Past, present and future met together for a family reunion. Let me tell you, it was tense.

In a cold room, I always seek out the corner. You can depend on it being 90 degrees.

A scientist once mixed human DNA with goat DNA. Needless to say, he was never allowed anywhere near the petting zoo again.

An old woman kept collecting stray cats until she had about a hundred in her house. But the neighbors were sympathetic... they figured she had an add-a-puss complex.

A photon walked into a hotel without any luggage. He was traveling light.

If you want a gift that's sure to please, you can always count on an abacus.

 

[Low_Roads]

A novice nun is instructed to paint a room in a church that's being renovated.

"Do your best," the Mother Superior tells her, "but take care not to get paint on your habit."

"But how?" the girl asks, flustered. "We haven't any smocks."

"I'll leave you to figure that out," the older woman smiles. "It will be a useful test of you ingenuity."

So the girl thinks and thinks. Finally she arrives at a solution: she locks the door, then strips to do the painting naked.

Well, her plan works to perfection. Not only are her clothes kept pristine, but the freed-up feeling of being nude helps her labor all the more merrily. She's nearly completed her task, when a knock sounds at the door.

"Who is it?" she questions tremulously.

"Blind man," comes the reply.

The girl breathes a sigh of relief. Since the man is sightless, it will do no harm to unlock the door and direct him where to go to receive charity.

"Welcome, friend!" she beams. "I'm sure we can get you everything you want!"

"Lady," he grins as he ogles her up and down, "I don't damn doubt it! But first, where would you like me to install these blinds?"

 

[Senshi1]

You need some kind of a medal for keeping this thread going, LBH. 😛 I love coming in here and reading what you post, but I'm pretty lousy at contributing because I always forget jokes when it comes time to tell them. I'll make a special effort though.

This one's pretty lame, but being a Welshman, I always get a chuckle out of it.

I had a run-in with the Taffia today (the Welsh branch of the Mafia) - they made me an offer I couldn't understand.

'Ey? 😀

 

[Low_Roads]

I had a run-in with the Taffia today (the Welsh branch of the Mafia) - they made me an offer I couldn't understand.

'Ey? 😀

Haha! Right on, Senshi! I'm from the US, but I'm also a Jones, with lots of Welsh in my background! Maybe that's why I find this so funny! 'Course, I still fondly remember the wild inventiveness of WTF, so I already knew you had a super sense of humor!

 

[Senshi1]

Haha! Right on, Senshi! I'm from the US, but I'm also a Jones, with lots of Welsh in my background! Maybe that's why I find this so funny! 'Course, I still fondly remember the wild inventiveness of WTF, so I already knew you had a super sense of humor!

WTF! There's a blast from the past. xD I think that was about three computers ago for me. Too bad, I bet the pictures themselves vanished in The Crash. Maybe one of these days I'll revive it in some form. 😛

And I didn't know you were a Jones. 🙂 I knew I always liked you. 😛

 

[Low_Roads]

Too bad, I bet the pictures themselves vanished in The Crash

All your WTF threads seem to be intact. The Crash left a lot of the older stuff alone:

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=26705

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=26928

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=27370

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=27524

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=27790

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=28199

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?p=244963#post244963

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=28525

Then there's one which I think was only posted on your Team Kackfapp website (non members may not be able to access it). Who knew it would still be functioning after so long!

http://teamkackfapp.proboards.com/thread/7/episode-3-kackfapp-united

Maybe one of these days I'll revive it in some form. 😛

That'd be a happy day for me! I've always loved the series!

And I didn't know you were a Jones. 🙂

Ah man, did I really say that out loud? Now I gotta find a safe house...

 

[TKLVR181]

All your WTF threads seem to be intact. The Crash left a lot of the older stuff alone:

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=26705

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=26928

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=27370

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=27524

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=27790

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=28199

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?p=244963#post244963

http://www.tickletheater.com/showthread.php?t=28525

Then there's one which I think was only posted on your Team Kackfapp website (non members may not be able to access it). Who knew it would still be functioning after so long!

http://teamkackfapp.proboards.com/thread/7/episode-3-kackfapp-united

That'd be a happy day for me! I've always loved the series!

Ah man, did I really say that out loud? Now I gotta find a safe house...

You're amazing for finding these again o_o

 

[Low_Roads]

Thanks Karen! It was entertaining to read through them again! What a wild ride!

 

[Senshi1]

Holy flashbacks, Batman! Some of those are cringing, but I might just have to redo some of them. xD I got one of those fancy computer pen tablet doohickeys now, so with everything ELSE in the world getting a reboot, maybe it's time WTF had the same treatment.

 

[Low_Roads]

Terrific idea! WTF definitely deserves a revival! And seeing it filtered through art tablet technology would be fascinating! The prospect gets an unqualified thumbs-up from me!

 

[Low_Roads]

A blind man wanders into a store with his seeing eye dog. Suddenly, he yanks the pooch up by the leash and starts whirling him over his head.

"What the heck are you doing?!" the shopkeeper cries in alarm.

"Don't worry," the blind man replies. "I'm just looking around."

* * *​

A stalk of celery enters a saloon and tries to order a drink.

"Sorry," the bartender tells him. "We don't serve food in here."

* * *​

In the early days of space experimentation, NASA funded a secret project to launch over 100 head of cattle into orbit. It was code named "The Herd Shot 'Round the World".

* * *​

Would it be proper to refer to a cow that's just given birth as "decalfinated"?

* * *​

I drove my daughter's pet gerbil to the vet this morning. Best golf club I've ever owned!

* * *​

My wife once accused me of resembling a flamingo. It irritated me so much I had to put my foot down.

* * *​

90 year old Jerry is at the wheel of his car when he receives a frantic cell-phone call.

"Be careful out there!" moans his wife. "A news report says there's some maniac on the freeway driving against traffic!"

"Not just one!" Jerry replies. "There's hundreds!"

 

[Low_Roads]

A man enters a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He tosses the little beast into a corner, then orders a shot of whisky. Well, the monkey goes wild. He climbs all over the pictures on the wall, knocks down glasses on tables, and finally hops up on the pool table, where he jams the cue ball into his mouth and swallows it.

"Why the hell did you bring that furry bastard in here?" fumes the barkeeper.

"What did he do now?" sulks the patron.

"What did he do?! What didn't he do! He's spoiling the decor, annoying my customers, and to top things off he just swallowed the cue ball right off the pool table!"

"I hope he chokes on it!" growls the man. "That damn monkey's been driving me crazy!"

About a week later, the same man comes in again with the same monkey on his shoulder. Only the animal is much more subdued now.

"Thank goodness," thinks the barman, "at least he's disciplined the little monster."

So instead of tearing the place up, the monkey sits quietly next to the peanut bowl. He picks up a peanut, sticks it up his butt, then pops it into his mouth to eat.

The barkeeper is flummoxed by this behavior.

"What in the world have you done to that monkey?" he asks.

"What's the problem now?" the man grumps.

"Well just look at him! He pokes every peanut up his asshole before eating it!"

"Whatta you expect!" replies the patron. "After that cue ball incident, he insists on measuring everything first."

 

[Low_Roads]

A herd of cows is lounging out in a field. One of the mama cows is quietly chewing her cud when a calf approaches her.

"Mama," the calf inquires, "how come you named me Violet?"

Charmed that her youngster is now old enough to start considering such questions, she replies:

"Darling, when you were first born, a violet petal drifted over from the garden and landed right on your forehead. At that very moment, I decided on your name."

Pleased, the youngster trots off to tell her fellows. Sure enough, a second calf soon approaches her.

"Mama," the new calf pipes up, "why did you name me Rose?"

"Well sweetheart, as soon as you were born, a rose petal fell from the arbor and landed right on your forehead."

This second calf is also mighty happy. Before too long, a third calf comes calling.

"I was just talking to Rose and Violet," she says. "Is that the same reason you named me Daisy?"

"That's right!" Mama replies. "The moment you were born, a Daisy petal landed on your forehead. I just knew you'd have to be called Daisy!"

The third calf is equally satisfied and scampers away. Finally, a male calf, her only son, wanders up. He opens his mouth and says:

"Arrrg yecc ig gach yagig ga yach."

The cow smiles down at him with motherly indulgence.

"Run off and play, Cinderblock."

 

[Low_Roads]

During his life, classical musician Mozart was extremely prolific. He spent most of his time composing. Thereafter, he became less productive. He's currently decomposing.

* * *​

A wild-eyed man enters a bar with a set of jumper cables slung over his shoulder.

"Hey!" shouts the bartender. "This is a peaceful place! Don't try to start anything!"

* * *​

Q: What's the most positive thing the Swiss have given to the world?

A: Well, their flag is a big plus.

* * *​

A thief broke into a drug store and stole every bottle of Viagra. The cops told locals to watch out for a hardened criminal.

* * *​

While excavating an ancient brothel, archeologists discovered a fossilized tampon. It was so old, they were unable to determine which period it was from.

* * *​

A geneticist labored mightily to create a cow with two left legs and no right legs. He figured it would be perfect for lean beef.

* * *​

Q: Why did the one- legged woman get work at the night club so quickly?

A: She was an ideal bouncer.

* * *​

Insanity is definitely hereditary. You get it from your kids.