**Note, instead of posting separate threads, I'm going to do all continuations of this particular series on this thread. So stay tuned***
So, I'm thinking of starting a story series that instead of being about actual tickling...being sort of inside the head of someone who has a tickle fetish and explore what a character could possibly be thinking as they are doing what they are doing...via talking about it in therapy and sharing past and current experiences...So for Sessions with Dr. T, that's what it will be. There will be no for sure tickling happening in the story, but there could be. I'll try to say what the story includes before posting...so you can know if you want to follow. Here's the first installment of "Sara" talking through some feelings about tickling in therapy.
So many of my insecurities lie in that a huge part of who I am is something I've kept secret from my "real life" for my entire life. I started therapy for a lot of self esteem issues, and whenever we get to the topic of my interests in tickling I feel really shut down. Dr. Thompson, who is a beautiful woman who seems about as vanilla as they come seems to understand what a tickling fetish is, and the psychology behind it, but I don't think she fully understands the anxiety that comes from this...Whenever I bring it up in session, it's just sort of "out there," and I completely regret saying anything because it's not helping. I told her this a week ago, and how I noticed how censored I feel. She said "Well sometimes when people feel shame about something, it's helpful to talk very directly about it. Maybe we can start that next week. We won't censor, we'll go at your pace, but we'll make sense of it."
The session ended with that, and I had an entire week to think about what we're going to talk about, how it would go, and before I knew it, I was in the waiting room again. My heart beating so fast the movement could be seen through my shirt. I buzzed her to let her know I was there, and sat waiting with incredible mixed feelings of excitement to get it off my chest, and not knowing how it's going to go. Will I regret even telling her about this? The door opens. There she is "Sara?" she says with a smile. "Come on back." I walk down the hallway into her very warm, cozy and inviting office. Sit on the couch and she closes the door and sits in her chair. "So, how's it been going this week?" My anxiety is overwhelming. I feel like a lost child that needs to explode and be hugged and told it's ok. My voice shakes "Well, I know we talked last week about how we're going to talk more directly about my interests..and I'm really nervous about it and don't know where to start." "Ok." Dr. T says calmly. "Well I think we talked about some of your interests, that specifically revolve around tickling?" Her just saying the word elevates my heartbeat even more. "Sometimes when I don't know where to start, I like to start at the beginning. Can you tell me maybe where this all started for you? When did you first realize you liked tickling?"
Here we go. "I remember it being something that has interested me for as long as I can remember. When I was a little kid, I remember being really fascinated by the concept of being tickled. It didn't happen to me very much, and I think I really was interested in it happening...sort of an exciting fear of it. I remember as a toddler thinking shoes were worn to protect your feet from being tickled. I remember being at family parties and wanting my older cousins to tickle me. I was captivated by them and I even think I journalled about it in my first grade journals, talking about how much I enjoyed having a tickle fight. Just thinking about that now makes me horrified that a teacher read that and I didn't have the shame back then, but that it was out there...that just makes me feel so ashamed."
Dr. T, thinks for a second "I don't think If I were that teacher I would think anything of that. The thing that fascinates me about tickling is that it's an involuntary reaction. You are forced to laugh, even if you're not wanting to or not having a good time. Also, it's laughing! I think of it as a pleasurable experience. If people are laughing it's usually a marker of..we're having a good time." Hearing Dr. T talk about tickling without judgement calms me very much. I see her crossed leg gently twirl her ankle and wonder to no end what reactions are possible under those shoes.
"So, in those first experiences you talking about your family. How did that go? Would you say to your cousins, you know "I want to be tickled!" , and what would happen from there?"
"Well, I think I would tell them or show them in some way, but I always felt it was something that they didn't want to do. It wasn't a part of their world to be tickling little kids"
"You understood that even then? That's pretty perceptive."
"Well, even if it was just "they are old, they don't like this" I think I got it, and that might have been how things started to make me feel different."
She starts to share parts of herself, as she said she would. "As you talk about this, I can relate. For some reason we as little kids I think become captivated by older people of the gender that we begin to desire, even if it's a relative. For you, that was women, even at that young age, and even if it was confusing for you, that was your natural reaction. I remember getting very shy around an older cousin's husband. For some reason I was really captivated by him, and people would tease for that. So I know where you're coming from.'
Hearing that from her gives me some even more relief.
I go on..."A lot of my earliest exposures to tickling came from tv. I remember watching cartoons as a kid and seeing things on tv like cartoons, things on pbs kids where tickling happened and being really excited by it."
Dr. T asks "Can you give me an example of one of those shows you watched?"
"Well, one that really sticks out in my mind, and I think it sticks out it a lot of people's minds that are into tickling is in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles there was a scene where April O'Neil gets foot tickled for information...and that would happen a lot in cartoons."
Dr. T smiles "I remember that episode! That's funny. I would notice that happening too, but didn't think anything of it. I can see how it would effect you if that's something that would interest you. Would you talk to anyone about it?"
I remember where I was when the episode was on..."I remember being with a female babysitter and wanting to "play interogation with her" and it ended up with us doing that..and then taking turns laying on the floor with a blanket over us completely except for our bare feet sticking out and the other one sneaking up on then and tickling their feet. That was really exciting for me."
Dr. T empathizes "I bet! You were able to freely have your fun. How great would that be if you could do that now as an adult without self judgement?"
"It would be great...I would really judge myself because as I got older, I'd continue to watch shows like that...made for little kids, because I knew there would be an element of tickling possible, or if I knew a specific episode of something was on , I would get excited to know that episode had tickling in it. Like, the Cosby show where Claire gets a ticklish foot massage, even if I knew that the word was mentioned. I would even stare at the dictionary's definition of tickling to see what it said and what example it gave. Even that excited me. These were the days before internet when you could get excited by less. I would get really judgemental to myself thinking that here I am, as an 18 year old high schooler, I come home from school, and instead of watching MTV, I'm watching Mr. Men because Mr. Tickle is a character, or I'm watching QVC because they are going to demonstrate a foot massager and I wonder if the host is ticklish. I would think something is really wrong with me."
Dr. T again comforts me. "Well, I think everyone has that to a point. Puberty is a really confusing time of exploration and finding out what you like, and there's a lot of secrets. I think what you were feeling was really normal. It looks like we need to wrap up, but I think we got through some really important things today. I hope you feel comfortable talking about this, and we can continue next week. Sound good?"
"Absolutely"
So, I'm thinking of starting a story series that instead of being about actual tickling...being sort of inside the head of someone who has a tickle fetish and explore what a character could possibly be thinking as they are doing what they are doing...via talking about it in therapy and sharing past and current experiences...So for Sessions with Dr. T, that's what it will be. There will be no for sure tickling happening in the story, but there could be. I'll try to say what the story includes before posting...so you can know if you want to follow. Here's the first installment of "Sara" talking through some feelings about tickling in therapy.
So many of my insecurities lie in that a huge part of who I am is something I've kept secret from my "real life" for my entire life. I started therapy for a lot of self esteem issues, and whenever we get to the topic of my interests in tickling I feel really shut down. Dr. Thompson, who is a beautiful woman who seems about as vanilla as they come seems to understand what a tickling fetish is, and the psychology behind it, but I don't think she fully understands the anxiety that comes from this...Whenever I bring it up in session, it's just sort of "out there," and I completely regret saying anything because it's not helping. I told her this a week ago, and how I noticed how censored I feel. She said "Well sometimes when people feel shame about something, it's helpful to talk very directly about it. Maybe we can start that next week. We won't censor, we'll go at your pace, but we'll make sense of it."
The session ended with that, and I had an entire week to think about what we're going to talk about, how it would go, and before I knew it, I was in the waiting room again. My heart beating so fast the movement could be seen through my shirt. I buzzed her to let her know I was there, and sat waiting with incredible mixed feelings of excitement to get it off my chest, and not knowing how it's going to go. Will I regret even telling her about this? The door opens. There she is "Sara?" she says with a smile. "Come on back." I walk down the hallway into her very warm, cozy and inviting office. Sit on the couch and she closes the door and sits in her chair. "So, how's it been going this week?" My anxiety is overwhelming. I feel like a lost child that needs to explode and be hugged and told it's ok. My voice shakes "Well, I know we talked last week about how we're going to talk more directly about my interests..and I'm really nervous about it and don't know where to start." "Ok." Dr. T says calmly. "Well I think we talked about some of your interests, that specifically revolve around tickling?" Her just saying the word elevates my heartbeat even more. "Sometimes when I don't know where to start, I like to start at the beginning. Can you tell me maybe where this all started for you? When did you first realize you liked tickling?"
Here we go. "I remember it being something that has interested me for as long as I can remember. When I was a little kid, I remember being really fascinated by the concept of being tickled. It didn't happen to me very much, and I think I really was interested in it happening...sort of an exciting fear of it. I remember as a toddler thinking shoes were worn to protect your feet from being tickled. I remember being at family parties and wanting my older cousins to tickle me. I was captivated by them and I even think I journalled about it in my first grade journals, talking about how much I enjoyed having a tickle fight. Just thinking about that now makes me horrified that a teacher read that and I didn't have the shame back then, but that it was out there...that just makes me feel so ashamed."
Dr. T, thinks for a second "I don't think If I were that teacher I would think anything of that. The thing that fascinates me about tickling is that it's an involuntary reaction. You are forced to laugh, even if you're not wanting to or not having a good time. Also, it's laughing! I think of it as a pleasurable experience. If people are laughing it's usually a marker of..we're having a good time." Hearing Dr. T talk about tickling without judgement calms me very much. I see her crossed leg gently twirl her ankle and wonder to no end what reactions are possible under those shoes.
"So, in those first experiences you talking about your family. How did that go? Would you say to your cousins, you know "I want to be tickled!" , and what would happen from there?"
"Well, I think I would tell them or show them in some way, but I always felt it was something that they didn't want to do. It wasn't a part of their world to be tickling little kids"
"You understood that even then? That's pretty perceptive."
"Well, even if it was just "they are old, they don't like this" I think I got it, and that might have been how things started to make me feel different."
She starts to share parts of herself, as she said she would. "As you talk about this, I can relate. For some reason we as little kids I think become captivated by older people of the gender that we begin to desire, even if it's a relative. For you, that was women, even at that young age, and even if it was confusing for you, that was your natural reaction. I remember getting very shy around an older cousin's husband. For some reason I was really captivated by him, and people would tease for that. So I know where you're coming from.'
Hearing that from her gives me some even more relief.
I go on..."A lot of my earliest exposures to tickling came from tv. I remember watching cartoons as a kid and seeing things on tv like cartoons, things on pbs kids where tickling happened and being really excited by it."
Dr. T asks "Can you give me an example of one of those shows you watched?"
"Well, one that really sticks out in my mind, and I think it sticks out it a lot of people's minds that are into tickling is in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles there was a scene where April O'Neil gets foot tickled for information...and that would happen a lot in cartoons."
Dr. T smiles "I remember that episode! That's funny. I would notice that happening too, but didn't think anything of it. I can see how it would effect you if that's something that would interest you. Would you talk to anyone about it?"
I remember where I was when the episode was on..."I remember being with a female babysitter and wanting to "play interogation with her" and it ended up with us doing that..and then taking turns laying on the floor with a blanket over us completely except for our bare feet sticking out and the other one sneaking up on then and tickling their feet. That was really exciting for me."
Dr. T empathizes "I bet! You were able to freely have your fun. How great would that be if you could do that now as an adult without self judgement?"
"It would be great...I would really judge myself because as I got older, I'd continue to watch shows like that...made for little kids, because I knew there would be an element of tickling possible, or if I knew a specific episode of something was on , I would get excited to know that episode had tickling in it. Like, the Cosby show where Claire gets a ticklish foot massage, even if I knew that the word was mentioned. I would even stare at the dictionary's definition of tickling to see what it said and what example it gave. Even that excited me. These were the days before internet when you could get excited by less. I would get really judgemental to myself thinking that here I am, as an 18 year old high schooler, I come home from school, and instead of watching MTV, I'm watching Mr. Men because Mr. Tickle is a character, or I'm watching QVC because they are going to demonstrate a foot massager and I wonder if the host is ticklish. I would think something is really wrong with me."
Dr. T again comforts me. "Well, I think everyone has that to a point. Puberty is a really confusing time of exploration and finding out what you like, and there's a lot of secrets. I think what you were feeling was really normal. It looks like we need to wrap up, but I think we got through some really important things today. I hope you feel comfortable talking about this, and we can continue next week. Sound good?"
"Absolutely"
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