>>
>>I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
>>the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
>>every envelope that needs sealing.
>>
>>Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
>>reason.
>>
>>I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
>>Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>>
>>I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
>>the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
>>participating in their special e-mail program.
>>
>>I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
>>out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>>
>>I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
>>freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>>
>>I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
>>water buffalo on a hot day.
>>
>>Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
>>forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
>>minutes.
>>
>>Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
>>remove toilet stains.
>>
>>I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
>>car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>>
>>I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
>>products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>>
>>I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>>
>>And thanks for letting ! me know I can't boil a cup water in the
>>microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
>>for life.
>>
>>I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
>>pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>>
>>I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
>>perfume sample and rob me.
>>
>>I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
>>actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>>
>>I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
>>American troops or the Salvation Army.
>>
>>I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
>>number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
>>Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..
>>
>>I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
>>free replacement pair from Nike.
>>
>>I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
>>have their recipe.
>>
>>Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
>>brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
>>death when it bites my butt.
>>
>>Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
>>can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything
>>
>>And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped
>>in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
>>molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>>
>>Oh, and don't forget this one either!
>>
>>I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
>>companies!
>>
>>If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47
>>minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 PM
>>this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back,
>>causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
>>actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
>>ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
>>
>>Have a wonderful day....AND
>>
>>A scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
>>that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their
>>e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>>
>>Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...
>>I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
>>the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
>>every envelope that needs sealing.
>>
>>Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
>>reason.
>>
>>I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
>>Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>>
>>I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
>>the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
>>participating in their special e-mail program.
>>
>>I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
>>out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>>
>>I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
>>freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>>
>>I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
>>water buffalo on a hot day.
>>
>>Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
>>forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
>>minutes.
>>
>>Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
>>remove toilet stains.
>>
>>I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
>>car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>>
>>I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
>>products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>>
>>I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>>
>>And thanks for letting ! me know I can't boil a cup water in the
>>microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
>>for life.
>>
>>I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
>>pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>>
>>I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
>>perfume sample and rob me.
>>
>>I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
>>actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>>
>>I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
>>American troops or the Salvation Army.
>>
>>I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
>>number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
>>Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..
>>
>>I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
>>free replacement pair from Nike.
>>
>>I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
>>have their recipe.
>>
>>Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
>>brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
>>death when it bites my butt.
>>
>>Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
>>can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything
>>
>>And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped
>>in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
>>molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>>
>>Oh, and don't forget this one either!
>>
>>I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
>>companies!
>>
>>If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next 47
>>minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 PM
>>this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back,
>>causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
>>actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
>>ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
>>
>>Have a wonderful day....AND
>>
>>A scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
>>that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their
>>e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>>
>>Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...
