As many who know me are aware, I posted in late 2005 about a phone call with my father, after being estranged from him for the greater parts of 2004 and 2005. We had been in communication exactly one year on December 28th of 2006. In that time, things had not gone well, and today, it is apparent that things have likely reached a sad conclusion.
During this past year, I had attempted to create a new relationship with my father. In the past, there was resentment on both sides. Resentment from me, because I felt that he did not want a son, but, in fact, wanted a puppet, to suck up to all those in his life, whom he deemed important, to give himself a "complete life", and perfection, after basically being responsible for destroying my family, his marriage to my mom, and my relationship with him. While at times he did aid me financially, he felt that I only wanted him for any money I could get out of him, which was completely not true. The man was emotionally barren, and had nothing to offer me but money. Nothing in the way of love, or parental support emotionally. From my age of reason, he always based his treatment of me on how I treated not him, but my emotionally abusive grandmother. Simply put, the guy treated me like shit!
So, last year, when I pulled the phone out of my mom's hands, to speak to him, I wanted to try a completely different approach. I intended not to ask for, or expect, any money from him, and, in return, hoped that he would base his relationship with me on just he and I, and not anyone else. How mistaken I was.
In the beginning, things didnt seem bad. We would talk every week, and he sent me a nice birthday gift last January. I kept asking him:" Dad, I would like to see you, when can you see me?" Each week, he would put me off. He travels a lot for his work, as his primary company is in Toronto, and he lives in New York City. Granted, he's not on the road every day, or every week, and at some point, for one day, he could have found time to see his son.
Winter, stretched into spring, which stretched into summer, and to fall. Never once did he ask to see me. He tossed the subject around a couple of times, and then would let it drop. One time, I thought we were going to make an appointment, and he was called to business in London. Fine, I'm a reasonable person, the guy has to earn a living, I get that, but not to find ONE DAY in a year, to see his son??! He only lives less than 2 hours train ride from me. I was willing to meet him in Philadelphia, to meet halfway, and make his trip one plus hour, and mine one plus hour, no dice.
A side track here. My whole relationship with him, needed to be he and I only, because, I cant stand the woman he is married to. First, she married him, in 1997, without even meeting me, when we were estranged. Strike one there. She didnt think that it was important that we were estranged. To me, that makes her of very questionable character. However, the last time my dad and I were in touch, she did something, that sealed the deal for life.
As I mentioned, my grandmother caused my family a lot of trouble, and was the reason for my parents divorce. Without ever meeting me, or hearing my side of the story, one day, in 2001, my dad blurted out:" Cheryl thinks you should stop your bullshit, and call your grandmother, because, she's old, and she's going to die soon" Buzz! Hello, bitch? I should call my grandmother. Who the hell are you? Did you live my childhood? Did you suffer with what my dad put me through, for my grandmother, and what my grandmother put me through? Who the fuck are you, to pass judgement on me!?" Alas, my dad and I were together from 2000 to 2004, and I didnt meet Cheryl, especially after that comment. Additionally, I have knowledge that Cheryl barred me from the hospital, when my dad had his angioplasty in 2003, even though, I promised him repeatedly, I would come, and not cause any trouble with my grandmother, uncle, or Cheryl, all of whom I was not talking to. I wanted to come, support my dad, see him, bring him a get well gift I had bought, and leave, end of story. Alas, no, my dad told me, unless you are having a RELATIONSHIP with Cheryl, you, Mitchell, cannot come. Alas, I didnt. I never quite got over that hurt, and I still talked to him.
Which brings me to today. I had sent him an e-mail, close to two weeks ago, telling him about his treatment of me, and how hurt I was, that he treated me like shit. He kept putting me off, and then finally, today, he got back to me, and it was not good.
After ranting about his financial "hardship" (Bullshit, as the guy lives in a 4000-5000 a mo NYC apt) he went on to tell me how "Cheryl has at times advanced him money to pay my mom's alimony, and, how I have "shunned her", and "never even met her" The whole email was convuluted, and twisted. My point in writing him was not to talk about my mom, her alimony, or Cheryl. It was to talk about his treating me like shit! I dont care where he gets the money to pay. Alimony is a legal obligation, and I am his son! They are two different fucking things altogether! I dont owe Cheryl anything, or him, for that matter, because he has to borrow the money to pay alimony. If you are so tight, asshole, dont fucking live in a $4000+ a month NYC apartment. Reduce your life. My mom did, and so did I. We live modestly. Our place is nice, but it doesnt cost anywhere NEAR that. Once he interjected that Cheryl is some kind of fucking saint, for advancing him money, for his legal obligation, I knew I was licked. This fucking asshole my father has the audacity to expect to tell a 37 year old man who to see, after Cheryl and him fucked all over me, and his fatherhood. His email to me should have been,:" Son, I love you, and I want to see you soon", but no, all it talked about was saint fucking Cheryl bitch!
I wrote him back, and told him that his e-mail, and his behavior to me was extremely apparent, that he wanted out, and if he did, why didnt he just say so, like a man, instead of treating me like this. He never answered, but he doesnt have to. I know what his intent is. Chances are, I'll never hear from him again, and, while it is tragic, in the long run, I know, that I, and my future wife and children, will be better off.
I apologize for this long rant. I realize that something like this got me some negative feedback some months ago. However, that rant, was bullshit, and probably something I should never have gone on about. This is heart ache. My mom tells me that she has known how he is for years, and that it shouldnt surprise me, but it still hurts like hell. I dont think one ever gets over it. This time, I can truly walk away with my head held high. I did nothing to him, and tried to have a relationship with him, and he treated me like dirt. I have reason to believe, from her past comments about me, that Cheryl fanned the flames, using my dead grandmother as her weapon, to cause problems. They have created their own little family with Cheryl, my dad, and her daughter, and there is no room for me. If there were poetic justice, with me out of the picture, somehow, I wish my dad would learn a lesson about Cheryl, or, that maybe, his marriage wouldn't go so well, so he'd understand how valuable a son is. "Stepmothers" are sore subjects, in the best of cases, but, in the case of how my dad treated me in my childhood, and how Cheryl shunned, and then caused trouble for me, it was intolerable.
Alas, it looks like it is over. I am very hurt, and somber. Yet, I have to go on. I dont think the pain ever fully goes away, but, yet, one deals with it. They have no choice. End of long post. I wont even call this "Rant". It is more, a reflection, of my dad's and my relationship, at what is an apparent tragic end, an end that didnt have to be, because, I didnt want anything from him, other than a little of his time, his effort, and his love, without condition of my having to suck up to intolerable other subjects, who treated me like shit. Alas, his complete life, his happiness, and Cheryl's position, is more important to him, than his relationship with me. I didnt even ever expect to come first. I always knew that Cheryl is ,always has been, and always would be, his priority. I just wanted a little piece of my dad, for his time, sometimes, but, he is so obsessed with Cheryl, that, it could not be. I must deal with the pain, as I am now, and go on. It will not be easy, but, I will face it, as I have before, with strength, and dignity. What other choice do I have?
Mitch
During this past year, I had attempted to create a new relationship with my father. In the past, there was resentment on both sides. Resentment from me, because I felt that he did not want a son, but, in fact, wanted a puppet, to suck up to all those in his life, whom he deemed important, to give himself a "complete life", and perfection, after basically being responsible for destroying my family, his marriage to my mom, and my relationship with him. While at times he did aid me financially, he felt that I only wanted him for any money I could get out of him, which was completely not true. The man was emotionally barren, and had nothing to offer me but money. Nothing in the way of love, or parental support emotionally. From my age of reason, he always based his treatment of me on how I treated not him, but my emotionally abusive grandmother. Simply put, the guy treated me like shit!
So, last year, when I pulled the phone out of my mom's hands, to speak to him, I wanted to try a completely different approach. I intended not to ask for, or expect, any money from him, and, in return, hoped that he would base his relationship with me on just he and I, and not anyone else. How mistaken I was.
In the beginning, things didnt seem bad. We would talk every week, and he sent me a nice birthday gift last January. I kept asking him:" Dad, I would like to see you, when can you see me?" Each week, he would put me off. He travels a lot for his work, as his primary company is in Toronto, and he lives in New York City. Granted, he's not on the road every day, or every week, and at some point, for one day, he could have found time to see his son.
Winter, stretched into spring, which stretched into summer, and to fall. Never once did he ask to see me. He tossed the subject around a couple of times, and then would let it drop. One time, I thought we were going to make an appointment, and he was called to business in London. Fine, I'm a reasonable person, the guy has to earn a living, I get that, but not to find ONE DAY in a year, to see his son??! He only lives less than 2 hours train ride from me. I was willing to meet him in Philadelphia, to meet halfway, and make his trip one plus hour, and mine one plus hour, no dice.
A side track here. My whole relationship with him, needed to be he and I only, because, I cant stand the woman he is married to. First, she married him, in 1997, without even meeting me, when we were estranged. Strike one there. She didnt think that it was important that we were estranged. To me, that makes her of very questionable character. However, the last time my dad and I were in touch, she did something, that sealed the deal for life.
As I mentioned, my grandmother caused my family a lot of trouble, and was the reason for my parents divorce. Without ever meeting me, or hearing my side of the story, one day, in 2001, my dad blurted out:" Cheryl thinks you should stop your bullshit, and call your grandmother, because, she's old, and she's going to die soon" Buzz! Hello, bitch? I should call my grandmother. Who the hell are you? Did you live my childhood? Did you suffer with what my dad put me through, for my grandmother, and what my grandmother put me through? Who the fuck are you, to pass judgement on me!?" Alas, my dad and I were together from 2000 to 2004, and I didnt meet Cheryl, especially after that comment. Additionally, I have knowledge that Cheryl barred me from the hospital, when my dad had his angioplasty in 2003, even though, I promised him repeatedly, I would come, and not cause any trouble with my grandmother, uncle, or Cheryl, all of whom I was not talking to. I wanted to come, support my dad, see him, bring him a get well gift I had bought, and leave, end of story. Alas, no, my dad told me, unless you are having a RELATIONSHIP with Cheryl, you, Mitchell, cannot come. Alas, I didnt. I never quite got over that hurt, and I still talked to him.
Which brings me to today. I had sent him an e-mail, close to two weeks ago, telling him about his treatment of me, and how hurt I was, that he treated me like shit. He kept putting me off, and then finally, today, he got back to me, and it was not good.
After ranting about his financial "hardship" (Bullshit, as the guy lives in a 4000-5000 a mo NYC apt) he went on to tell me how "Cheryl has at times advanced him money to pay my mom's alimony, and, how I have "shunned her", and "never even met her" The whole email was convuluted, and twisted. My point in writing him was not to talk about my mom, her alimony, or Cheryl. It was to talk about his treating me like shit! I dont care where he gets the money to pay. Alimony is a legal obligation, and I am his son! They are two different fucking things altogether! I dont owe Cheryl anything, or him, for that matter, because he has to borrow the money to pay alimony. If you are so tight, asshole, dont fucking live in a $4000+ a month NYC apartment. Reduce your life. My mom did, and so did I. We live modestly. Our place is nice, but it doesnt cost anywhere NEAR that. Once he interjected that Cheryl is some kind of fucking saint, for advancing him money, for his legal obligation, I knew I was licked. This fucking asshole my father has the audacity to expect to tell a 37 year old man who to see, after Cheryl and him fucked all over me, and his fatherhood. His email to me should have been,:" Son, I love you, and I want to see you soon", but no, all it talked about was saint fucking Cheryl bitch!
I wrote him back, and told him that his e-mail, and his behavior to me was extremely apparent, that he wanted out, and if he did, why didnt he just say so, like a man, instead of treating me like this. He never answered, but he doesnt have to. I know what his intent is. Chances are, I'll never hear from him again, and, while it is tragic, in the long run, I know, that I, and my future wife and children, will be better off.
I apologize for this long rant. I realize that something like this got me some negative feedback some months ago. However, that rant, was bullshit, and probably something I should never have gone on about. This is heart ache. My mom tells me that she has known how he is for years, and that it shouldnt surprise me, but it still hurts like hell. I dont think one ever gets over it. This time, I can truly walk away with my head held high. I did nothing to him, and tried to have a relationship with him, and he treated me like dirt. I have reason to believe, from her past comments about me, that Cheryl fanned the flames, using my dead grandmother as her weapon, to cause problems. They have created their own little family with Cheryl, my dad, and her daughter, and there is no room for me. If there were poetic justice, with me out of the picture, somehow, I wish my dad would learn a lesson about Cheryl, or, that maybe, his marriage wouldn't go so well, so he'd understand how valuable a son is. "Stepmothers" are sore subjects, in the best of cases, but, in the case of how my dad treated me in my childhood, and how Cheryl shunned, and then caused trouble for me, it was intolerable.
Alas, it looks like it is over. I am very hurt, and somber. Yet, I have to go on. I dont think the pain ever fully goes away, but, yet, one deals with it. They have no choice. End of long post. I wont even call this "Rant". It is more, a reflection, of my dad's and my relationship, at what is an apparent tragic end, an end that didnt have to be, because, I didnt want anything from him, other than a little of his time, his effort, and his love, without condition of my having to suck up to intolerable other subjects, who treated me like shit. Alas, his complete life, his happiness, and Cheryl's position, is more important to him, than his relationship with me. I didnt even ever expect to come first. I always knew that Cheryl is ,always has been, and always would be, his priority. I just wanted a little piece of my dad, for his time, sometimes, but, he is so obsessed with Cheryl, that, it could not be. I must deal with the pain, as I am now, and go on. It will not be easy, but, I will face it, as I have before, with strength, and dignity. What other choice do I have?
Mitch
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